tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-248085482024-03-14T01:26:29.704-07:00Witz Pickz"Life is too important to be taken seriously."
Oscar WildeWitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.comBlogger418125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-68651862671405160182019-03-05T08:59:00.000-08:002019-03-05T08:59:06.538-08:00Witz Flix: Magic Mike XXL<i>NOTE: I originally wrote this in April of 2017, but never posted it. I recently unearthed it, and decided that since social media is a constant hellscape and reminder of our daily nightmare, it was time to share it with the world as a momentary escape to a land of wonderment, friendship, and abs.</i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-0Fw2x9oxgyZ5-ASOAkL9qQrJXKTJin6VQ2GIDkAh1KlhrSGMARg_X3dapjWbc-UjiiYdHdqxtWZP1ibm2oy7VLOxYiq_fjs_CzKsVOjRiMdMA5hiuY683lmJS3QUzJky9cc9jw/s1600/MMXXL+-+1+-+Poster.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="650" data-original-width="650" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-0Fw2x9oxgyZ5-ASOAkL9qQrJXKTJin6VQ2GIDkAh1KlhrSGMARg_X3dapjWbc-UjiiYdHdqxtWZP1ibm2oy7VLOxYiq_fjs_CzKsVOjRiMdMA5hiuY683lmJS3QUzJky9cc9jw/s200/MMXXL+-+1+-+Poster.jpeg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(Left to right: Tito, Ken, Mike, Richie, Tarzan)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Magic Mike XXL is the story of an ex-stripper (Channing Tatum) coming out of retirement for one. Last. Ride. Usually I write these posts about bad movies, but Magic Mike XXL is an exception. It’s so good, in fact, that it is getting me, a guy who has taken his clothes off at an amateur level, to come out of retirement for one. Last. Post. So, come along on a journey with the Kings of Tampa, down to the fabled
stripper championships in Myrtle Beach. You won’t be sorry.</div>
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0:30 – Full disclosure: I saw the first Magic Mike and HATED it. I also
don’t remember anything about it other than the acting was atrocious, the end
was dumb, and I couldn’t believe Steven Soderbergh made it. So, don’t worry if
you haven’t seen it—it’s irrelevant to the beauty of this sequel.</div>
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1:00 – Mike Lane (Tatum) is out of the game. He runs his own furniture
business, and we see him moving furniture and collecting scrap for materials.
The copper piping he hauls in his truck is the closest he’s been to a pole in
three years.</div>
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2:00 – Any voicemail that begins, “It’s Tarzan,” is a voicemail worth
listening to. Tarzan and the guys are coming through Tampa, so he wanted to
give Mike a head’s up (stripper code). And he’s got some real bad news: “Dallas
is gone, man.”</div>
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2:30 – For those of you who didn’t see the first film, Dallas was
Matthew McConaughey’s character. It’s unclear if by gone he means “dead” or
“not available for the sequel.”</div>
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3:30 – Mike goes to a motel expecting a wake for Dallas and instead
finds the guys getting rowdy by the pool. His buddy, Big Dick Richie (Joe
Manganiello) picks up Mike and throws him in the pool. </div>
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3:40 – Bare-ass naked, by the way. And here’s the thing about Magic
Mike XXL that makes it so great: it might just be the most anti-homophobic
movie ever made. It’s a celebration of male friendship and male physicality,
without any of the cliché homophobic disclaimers or tropes that you’d expect
from its characters. </div>
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4:30 – Dallas isn’t dead! He’s just “overseas” (probably filming Dallas
Buyer’s Club, which he likely thought was some kind of very sad sequel to Magic
Mike when he took the role…and might be?).</div>
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5:50 – Big Dick Richie actually says the line, “One last fuckin’ ride,
baby!” God, I love this movie. They’re heading to The Convention in Myrtle
Beach.</div>
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6:00 – BUT HOW ARE THEY GONNA DO THAT WITHOUT DALLAS?? “Tobias is gonna
MC” they say, referring to the character played by Gabriel Inglesias, who
immediately drops an, “Alright, alright, alright,” impression, which I think
means the 4<sup>th</sup> and 5<sup>th</sup> walls are both shattered and we’re
not even ten minutes in.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEMZEgZNDVfJlJfzbg7vG5GuKwpDqbpXNlaijncCsXS5UV2ealcDINjTGhwALJC7DnWNPIOeosxrzcKdSkBFU_Nv0Q6hsTsianBYBF14ZacWTnT7GiMODXyqg8Dbuq2I3oW2Eq6w/s1600/MMXXL+-+2+-+Ken.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="932" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEMZEgZNDVfJlJfzbg7vG5GuKwpDqbpXNlaijncCsXS5UV2ealcDINjTGhwALJC7DnWNPIOeosxrzcKdSkBFU_Nv0Q6hsTsianBYBF14ZacWTnT7GiMODXyqg8Dbuq2I3oW2Eq6w/s200/MMXXL+-+2+-+Ken.jpg" width="133" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ken (Matt Bomer)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
6:30 -<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They also keep showing
one crazy-lookin’ stripper named Ken (Matt Bomer), who just keeps mad doggin’
Mike and clearly isn’t happy to have him back.<br />
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8:25 – Mike’s back home, just minding his own business in his workshop.
He throws on some face protection and fires up the soldering iron, when his playlist
starts playing the intro to what is unmistakably Genuwine’s masterpiece, "My
Pony". Uh-oh. That’s Mike’s song.
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8:30 – Mike’s head slowly raises up, still wearing his helmet. “No. Uhn-uh.
Nah,” his shaking head says. But "My Pony" ain’t havin’ it. “Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah,” the song literally replies. Mike flips up his mask, moves around the
table, flips it down and starts grinding metal to the beat. Sparks start flying
from the flagrantly phallic rod. He can’t fight it anymore. Off comes the face
protection.</div>
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9:00 – Mike laughs a little to himself. He walks over and sits down on
a bench, still holding the piece of metal. And thus begins the single greatest
scene in modern cinema. Dancers gonna dance.</div>
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9:30 – When an artist is said to fully utilize the canvas, this is what
it means. Mike’s poppin’ and lockin’ and spinnin’ and hoppin’ all over the
place. One minute he’s swinging around on a load-bearing beam, and the next
he’s grinding on his table, drill in hand. That’s how dedicated he is to his
art: he’s just drilling holes in a perfectly good table he built, simply
because the dance demands it. There’s no audience. Just a man, his workshop,
and sexual innuendo. I bet you’ve never been as passionate about anything as
Magical Michael is about stripper dancing.</div>
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<![endif]-->10:00 – Welp, you’re either all in or you’re probably out at this
point. Still with me? Alright, alright, alright…
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10:15 – The guys are getting ready to roll out toward Myrtle, when a
voice asks, “Got room for one more?” You bet your ass it’s Mike. And you bet
your ass they do. Ken isn’t pleased. I feel some serious stripolitics are at
play, here.</div>
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12:00 – How are they getting to Myrtle Beach? In a Fro-yo Food Truck!
Tito (Adam Rodriguez) makes artisanal probiotic shakes and Tobias DJs. This
moment is the closest this movie comes to the movie Chef, which is also good,
but in a different way.</div>
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13:00 – Richie doesn’t like that Mikey’s on his phone replying to order
requests for his business, so he throws his phone out the window. Mike’s
pissed, but Richie says he better get on board because nobody’s messing with
the mojo this trip. So, you know what? They’re going to Mad Mary’s.</div>
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15:30 – It’s drag night at Mad Mary’s and they’ve got $400 for the best
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18:00 – Sorry, actual amateurs and actual drag queens who wanted to win
that contest, but the guys go up one after each other, and Gabriel Inglesias
brings home the $400. If I was there, I’d be so pissed. It’s like, someone has
been waiting all week, thinking about this moment, and then five professional male
strippers and Gabriel Inglesias hop on stage, twirl around a little, and the
dream is dead. </div>
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20:00 – Real talk: come Monday morning, Tito’s back to pulling snow
cones at the mall, and Richie’s back to raking Tropicana field, which probably
isn’t even a thing. Tito has a big idea though: “Condomints”. It’s a package of
condoms and mints, so you have everything you need for your weekend. This
conversation ensues in my house:</div>
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ME: Hey, didn’t I have an idea like that—that combined two products
with a clever name?</div>
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KATIE: Yeah.</div>
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ME: What was it? </div>
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KATIE: Babe--you couldn’t pay me to remember all the shit that you say…</div>
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So, yeah, we’ve still got the passion. Back to the movie:</div>
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21:30<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>- Ken and Mike are talking
and Ken says, “It’s like Oprah says man, when someone shows you who they are,
believe them.” I immediately spiral into a dizzying rage about Trump and then
come back in time to see Mike tell Ken to hit him so the air is cleared, and he
does. But he’s not happy about it. “There are a lot better ways to handle shit
like that.” </div>
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23:30 – Channing Tatum is peeing by the tall grass (which is how you
die in Oregon Trail), when a girl starts taking photos behind him.
“That’s…usually what happens when I pee on the beach,” he “quips”, except I
believe him. They start flirting and talking about inner drag queens and Mike
casually drops a Grace Jones reference. </div>
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STUDIO EXECS: And who, exactly, is this movie’s target audience?</div>
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DIRECTOR: Everyone. Absolutely everyone.</div>
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29:00 – It’s morning and they’re all coming to. Ken’s been meditating,
and he and Mike discuss life after The Convention. You might find this hard to
believe, but the future after stripping is bleak for these guys. I would have
written the line, “Life’s rough, man. One minute you’re stripping, the next
you’re just…getting undressed. It’s depressing, bro.” </div>
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29:30 – Tito and Richie stumble back to the food truck. “You bangy?”
Mike asks. Not for nothing, but this is a food truck full of male strippers who
just had sex with strangers on a beach, and “You bangy?” is THEIR “Locker Room
Talk.” Tito did bangy. Richie didn’t bangy on account of his ginormous dick. It
freaks girls out. He’s down about it, but surely there’s a Large Vagina Vanessa
out there for him, right?</div>
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30:15 – They get back on the road, pass into Georgia, and Tobias gives
everyone molly. I think it’s worth noting at this point that Tampa to Myrtle is
an 8.5 hour drive. They could have completed the entirety of the road trip
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last Convention. He’s asking Richie why he dresses like a fireman and dances to
Hotter Than Hell when he’s scared of fire and doesn’t like that song. We get a
classic, “There is no fucking universe in which I am not doing that fireman
routine!” crash cut to “54 Minutes Later”, and while I love this movie, the
weakest link is the font selection here. Pretty sure they used Courier New and
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC9BlXjYO2vvm0CKHOJK81BCh0_SqK0FD_pNjgzmUx6cByokaTFq2oW-BRyuIJFKBBQJPp3scD46Lsj_baE5E618r_SOGHLfjPoyHsj4L2YCo4S-I1oQTR12hv9NNvYq8KA2Hm4A/s1600/MMXXL+-+4+-+Gas+Station.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="314" data-original-width="600" height="103" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC9BlXjYO2vvm0CKHOJK81BCh0_SqK0FD_pNjgzmUx6cByokaTFq2oW-BRyuIJFKBBQJPp3scD46Lsj_baE5E618r_SOGHLfjPoyHsj4L2YCo4S-I1oQTR12hv9NNvYq8KA2Hm4A/s200/MMXXL+-+4+-+Gas+Station.jpg" width="200" /></a>33:30 – Molly kicked in, they’re ready to evolve. They’re also at a gas
station. To get Richie to have faith in his ability to change his routine, they
send him into the gas station to dance his big dick off until the lady at the
register smiles. This movie uses dancing in all the right ways. </div>
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36:00 – I’m not even going to describe what just happened. You’ve got
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39:00 – They’re all bonding and holding hands while Toby drives, then
all close their eyes to feel the energy and Toby drives the truck off the road
into the woods and totals it. So yeah, MOM, you were right when you told me
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41:00 – Tobias is out of commission with a concussion, so they’re
leaving him in the hospital. “All I wanted was one last ride!” Richie laments.
We know, Richie, we know. “This is another bad idea, but…I think I know an MC
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44:00 – Mike takes them to a fancy strip-club mansion run by a woman
named Rome (Jada Pinkett Smith). He’s a bit scared because he used to dance at
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45:00 – Rome explains how her “club works”, describing how religion
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46:20 – Why does that stripper look familiar? OH, it’s because it’s
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blow your minds. And he’s super serious about it.</div>
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52:00 – If you didn’t think Donald Glover aka Childish Gambino was
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friend.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl7Qufz9kzp5ri69pCvIkER_MafCwXame7wTW0ZpwdwWlflW-5XmjsajbfY6ytJEEdDH1VBg6-kSA4Ed7pyYfrlaIyEQqwQ5_mtrDY6czPyNILqYLSncD891EmFOiXgOGghTAgqQ/s1600/MMXXL+-+5+-+Donald+Glover.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="431" data-original-width="768" height="111" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl7Qufz9kzp5ri69pCvIkER_MafCwXame7wTW0ZpwdwWlflW-5XmjsajbfY6ytJEEdDH1VBg6-kSA4Ed7pyYfrlaIyEQqwQ5_mtrDY6czPyNILqYLSncD891EmFOiXgOGghTAgqQ/s200/MMXXL+-+5+-+Donald+Glover.JPG" width="200" /></a>54:00 – Rome thinks the Convention is some bullshit. Mike wants her to
MC to get rid of the tension between them. He says he didn’t bail on her, he
took a job and she wouldn’t let him back in the house. Since he’s a meat man,
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56:00 – Rome asks the women at the club what she should do. “Should she
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opportunity to be resurrected” (also not how ghosts work). </div>
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57:00 – She wants Mike (previously known as White Chocolate) to dance
for his dinner. Inexplicably, despite being a stripper in a strip club, he
doesn’t want to and says, “C’mon, let’s not do this…” Rome has another guy
start dancing with a girl. “You got this man,” his friends say, and he flips
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59:00 – Magic Mike proceeds to do things that wouldn’t be okay to do in
a gym. As he dances, he lets it all out, dancing with this woman, dancing with
that one, now that one, now that one, clearly in a flow state--what athletes
call “winning time”; unleashing his art on all the women in the room until it’s
clear that Mike operates on another level from the rest of them. It’s
dangerous, it’s exciting, it’s something pure in this convoluted and ugly world
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64:00 – The guys get a ride up to Charleston with Donald Glover, and
end up at a huge (read: plantation) house. This is supposed to be where the
girl Tito hooked up with lives, but when they walk inside they find Andie
McDowell and her friends. They’re all, “Oh, we’re sorry, we’ll just go—,“and
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWg0_9k71VuUVn27506ijPra3Ga0rc6x6Ts9lUpEvM83M86w6FsTrx5qwuOgjQkxNu0QYIFogQW2HZdBMne628eUIQil0kuTE7s8af-zUn8pW3AX4_ummJv1dOUYVBShYw-9jMhQ/s1600/MMXL+-+9+-+Andie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="1200" height="112" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWg0_9k71VuUVn27506ijPra3Ga0rc6x6Ts9lUpEvM83M86w6FsTrx5qwuOgjQkxNu0QYIFogQW2HZdBMne628eUIQil0kuTE7s8af-zUn8pW3AX4_ummJv1dOUYVBShYw-9jMhQ/s200/MMXL+-+9+-+Andie.jpg" width="200" /></a>67:00 – Andie McDowell’s daughter walks in with her friends and it
turns out one of them is the girl</div>
who took photos of Mike peeing at the beach.
She goes to get more wine from the basement and Mike goes to help, saying, “I
have arms, I’ll help,” which is the only line less obvious than, “Gravity moves
objects downward, so I’ll go, too.”<br />
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73:00 – Everyone’s drinking and sharing stories about their sex lives
and relationships which leads to Ken singing Heaven by Bryan Adams and dancing
with the shy, sad woman who’s never had sex with her husband with the lights on
AND STILL NOBODY SEEMS TO NOTICE THAT KEN LOOKS LIKE AMERICAN PSYCHO.
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75:15 – Channing Tatum proves it time and time again: the man knows how
to deliver a line. He found the absolute best way to say, “No, I’m a cookie
guy.” No better delivery of that dessert joke. And if you’re reading this
still, you better already be making plans to watch this movie and hear it for
yourself.</div>
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76:45 – Photography girl is sad because she got played by a married
photographer who offered her a job, so now Mike is trying to get her to come to
Myrtle Beach for the Convention. Ya know, everyone’s so psyched about Myrtle
Beach, but I went there for spring break in college, and the only memories I have
are of a recurring Arby’s promo at a minor league baseball game that loudly
announced “Roooooooaaaaaaast beeeeeeeeeeef!” over the PA, and me and my Jewish
friends being told we couldn’t go into the bar with everyone else. I’m not
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in Dogma because “Jay and Silent Bob are funny as shit.”</div>
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80:00 – it’s morning and Andie McDowell got down with Bick Dick Richie!
What a magical world we live in when a male entertainer from Florida can find
his “glass slipper” of an older, wealthy divorcee in Charleston, South
Carolina. Move Disneyworld to Charleston, I say! Who needs the Disney castle
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in the world, Phil Connors sighs and takes another drink of scotch in an empty
motel room.</div>
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have no idea what this montage is about. I thought they were creating new
routines, but they’re also buying ice cream sundae supplies, screwing some
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coherently is king.</div>
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Banks’ mind explodes. They nuzzle each other and then Banks declares, “This
woman taught me everything I know.” About registering contestants?</div>
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Is this NOT a competition? What have we been working toward?</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu5zYZ5krJoD37senke3gbIMNaI9q0Rt0ULTcucWklIU3ses0BUFIDuHVbJD_dawdkNhH2bCFrt7-PiRow68KmL0HNd0Eb8wEoXtAnfiU3B071sqmCTXgNMrzD7DnydAtHZyXwVQ/s1600/MMXXL+-+7+-+Group+Convention.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1066" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu5zYZ5krJoD37senke3gbIMNaI9q0Rt0ULTcucWklIU3ses0BUFIDuHVbJD_dawdkNhH2bCFrt7-PiRow68KmL0HNd0Eb8wEoXtAnfiU3B071sqmCTXgNMrzD7DnydAtHZyXwVQ/s400/MMXXL+-+7+-+Group+Convention.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
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93:00 – THE MOMENT IS UPON US! The group comes out to a hip-hop mashup
of what I think is the Star Wars: The Phantom Menace theme, and then the solos
begin. Starting with Tarzan:</div>
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94:00 – Tarzan’s solo is high-concept, minimal stripping. He’s dressed
as an artist circa the Renaissance, he’s painting, he’s twirling, he rips his
shirt off, and he throws a bucket of glitter at the canvas, which produces the
message “My Goddess” as the glitter sticks. It’s creative, it’s classy, I give
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96:00 – Tito comes out to Candy Shop, dancing around, pulling three
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then finishes by spraying whipped cream all over them. I’ll say this, the
montage is making a lot more sense. Not as much stripping as there was sundae
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98:00 – Ken comes out to a smooth R&B number, which he sings
himself while gyrating and grinding up on various women in the crowd. Top hat,
tank top, ass-less chaps, won’t stop. 4 out of 5 falsetto climaxes.</div>
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101:00 – Richie comes out in a full tux, and moves his way Double-Dare/Billie
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molly-induced fantasy act. As he and his new bride walk up on stage toward a
sex swing that used to be made of conference room tables (montage!), things
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
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109:00 – I’m currently unironically slow-clapping. They don’t call him
Magic Mike for nothing, folks. Mike and one of the guys from Rome’s club get on
the stage that is set up like a mirror in the middle. The photographer and
another girl get pulled up on stage, and the two entertainers leave it all out
there, mirroring each other’s dancing, high-fiving in the middle, and
acrobatically flipping themselves and the girls around. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
110:00 - They gave everyone what they came to see. I will no longer
call these men strippers, for they truly are entertainers. There’s even a callback
to Mike liking cookies. “Looks like someone got their smile back,” Mike says at
the end. You’re goddamn right, I did, Michael. You’re goddamn right I did. 5
out of 5 borderline sexual assaults.</div>
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110:30 - If I did any of the things Channing Tatum just did, each of
the girls would have been kicked in the face about forty times, I would have
pulled both hamstrings, and I’d have a migraine by the end, but it’d be too
late in the night to take Excedrin because of all the caffeine it has. That
reminds me, leaving that parking lot’s gonna be a bitch. </div>
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112:00 – I wish I could end on that note, but as the music keeps
rolling, we flash forward to the rest of the night where the gang is out on the
boardwalk, loving life and each other, hugging and laughing. Gabriel Inglesias
returns and they’re all super happy to see him, especially since he missed the
Convention and would have been unimaginably worse than Rome was. As "All I Do is
Win" plays, fireworks go off in the distance, and the guys come together to
watch, leaning on the railing of the boardwalk, lights shining in their eyes,
like at the end of Ocean’s Eleven—only these guys were better, because they didn't even need pants to fulfill their dreams.
Crash to black. </div>
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Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-81357107955384494772014-11-10T12:44:00.000-08:002014-11-10T12:49:53.276-08:00Witz DOESN'T Pick: Ortega Fiesta Flats<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbk6jNB-14zSjRCmuSKbiAMOmtj0m4-8FQMGcafs8QAVDm163cRnF3d1DUJcPP7QM_x8RUHxQ5ZTPPBRe_EAafuEOPD5lNiArx3p_TrwEIT6M_SptlTctE8c-_4sh-Ts8waDWv8A/s1600/fiesta+flats.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbk6jNB-14zSjRCmuSKbiAMOmtj0m4-8FQMGcafs8QAVDm163cRnF3d1DUJcPP7QM_x8RUHxQ5ZTPPBRe_EAafuEOPD5lNiArx3p_TrwEIT6M_SptlTctE8c-_4sh-Ts8waDWv8A/s1600/fiesta+flats.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></span></a></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;">I thought my first post in months was going to be about my appendectomy, or my trip to Europe, or the state of our country, but something far more serious has come to my attention: Ortega Fiesta Flats.</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;">These corn-based U-Boats are waging war on the traditional taco shell. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe a taco consists of interior contents cradled by either a hard or soft shell. In fact, the shell is probably the only thing that makes it a taco in the first place. Put the contents between two flat tortillas and you've got yourself a quesadilla. Put the contents in a corn husk and it's a tamale. Wrap it TOO thoroughly in a tortilla and it's a burrito. And there's a very thin line between a wet burrito and an enchilada. The entire Mexican food genre comes down to how the beans/meat/cheese/etc. are wrapped. And don't tell me that these are "Flat Bottom Taco Shells," Ortega. THESE are flat-bottom taco shells:</span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCl6cuQgcwbfFHJWysWV9ubpnJLrSv4nzI4lLkJyvH-vp9O9pqh7OCwBMTYi1fPyUkFp-HmDgodzSl3tZ9aHUCtg_ic9U10GInEWVtMNSFR_12ia7s5BsS-V0r_wAmrR1jcyv-Yw/s1600/flat+bottom+taco+shell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCl6cuQgcwbfFHJWysWV9ubpnJLrSv4nzI4lLkJyvH-vp9O9pqh7OCwBMTYi1fPyUkFp-HmDgodzSl3tZ9aHUCtg_ic9U10GInEWVtMNSFR_12ia7s5BsS-V0r_wAmrR1jcyv-Yw/s1600/flat+bottom+taco+shell.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></span></a></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;">Now, look, I get it--the traditional taco shell forces one to consume it with a sense of urgency and chaos, which might not always be welcome. Grow up. Tacos are delicious and intended to be eaten quickly. That's why they're small and demand your attention. They're the Scott Caans of the food world. These Fiesta Flats will do nothing more than breed complacency.</span><br />
<br>
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;">Not everyone agrees with me. My brother-in-law boldly proclaimed on Facebook: "B<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 14px/19.31px Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">een looking for these...taco shells you're now OBSOLETE! #neveragain"</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;">Strong words, indeed. I asked why he was taking such a hardline stance against a product that has served us well for over one thousand years (I assume). </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;">"When it comes to tacos I'm not looking for exciting uncertainty...steady and smooth is where I want to be." </span></span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span></span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;">Fair point, although in my thirty-two years on this planet, I've never once eaten a taco with anything but uncertainty--eating Mexican food is a roll of the digestive dice, whether your taco is in a standard shell or in a fiesta flat or in a bowl being eaten with a spoon. If you want steady and smooth, eat a salad. If you want to feel like a culinary Indiana Jones, eat a hard-shelled taco. </span></span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuYnKq-oWmS8SF6Dimmmkn9URMOyUE0Ig0oLYnK6XYAIyvixThGUzvL1zLvi-YLuxxEYt2bh2NaEsTHls-z57gJaIuSwBY-dIIrLYahitKtOnE7g8WGjfxJZweUvhLPLDcT6CZGA/s1600/indiana+jones+taco.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuYnKq-oWmS8SF6Dimmmkn9URMOyUE0Ig0oLYnK6XYAIyvixThGUzvL1zLvi-YLuxxEYt2bh2NaEsTHls-z57gJaIuSwBY-dIIrLYahitKtOnE7g8WGjfxJZweUvhLPLDcT6CZGA/s1600/indiana+jones+taco.gif" height="136" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span></span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;">
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;">
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;">Or maybe I'm just an adrenaline junkie.</span></span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span></span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;">It Belongs In a Museum,</span></span>
<br>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: inherit;">Witz</span></span>
<br>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"></span></span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #141823; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, "lucida grande", tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 15.35px; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"></span></span><br />Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-72192084653662801052013-11-11T11:02:00.001-08:002013-11-11T11:02:32.097-08:00Witz Pickz: Giving Me the Best Goddamn Medicine Always<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEjTdfjh7d335Kia14SQzGkHICSBEsTod0mvcrHkdhhW0nV9KCGd5QQ4k-sDTPzm5EdlWPtMdY-KiMmb-sJh1RmDupCYu3H9yZgn12MjZL8nkVR7yqbvb8nCgaV4yRntPznEhOTw/s1600/vicks+facebook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEjTdfjh7d335Kia14SQzGkHICSBEsTod0mvcrHkdhhW0nV9KCGd5QQ4k-sDTPzm5EdlWPtMdY-KiMmb-sJh1RmDupCYu3H9yZgn12MjZL8nkVR7yqbvb8nCgaV4yRntPznEhOTw/s320/vicks+facebook.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I have a bone to pick with the good people at Vick's--at least I thought they were good people, but now I'm not so sure. Apparently, the folks who provide us with the glorious cold-symptom fighting DayQuil and NyQuil have been holding out on us. I'm talking about DayQuil/NyQuil Severe.<br />
<br />
"Relieves your ugliest, nastiest cold symptoms," they say. Here are cold symptoms: coughing, sore throat, runny nose, congestion, and sometimes a fever. Nobody likes any of those. How much relief do I want from those? All of it always. Give me all of the relief.<br />
<br />
"Vicks DayQuil Severe Cold & Flu Relief delivers maximum symptom-fighting ingredients to relieve your worst cold symptoms." Why were you not delivering me maximum symptom-fighting ingredients previously?<br />
<br />
Scientist: And as for the amount of symptom-fighting relief in the product, I assume maximum?<br />
Dr. Charles T. Vicks, III: Actually, I was thinking we'd go with "a lot." <br />
Scientist: Really? Because usually we try and solve the problem as best as possible.<br />
Dr. Charles T. Vicks, III: I know, I know, but let's mix it up a little. <br />
Scientist: But aren't we trying to be the best product on the market?<br />
Dr. Charles T. Vicks, III: Eh...it's more about image these days. You know, sizzurp, making meth from extracted ingredients, that kind of thing. Carding people in CVS when they buy it so they think it's cool and exclusive.<br />
Scientist: So, "a lot." We're really doing this. DayQuil "A lot" strength. That's...going to happen.<br />
Dr. Charles T. Vicks, III: Yes. <br />
Scientist: And what about maximum symptom-relief?<br />
Dr. Charles T. Vicks, III: Let's put a pin in that and revisit it when our sales start to dwindle.<br />
<br />
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<br />
There's no prescription medication for the common cold--no antibiotic that will make it better. If you go to the doctor for a cold, they give you a pitying look, instructions to drink lots of fluids, and a $30 copay. And I don't have health insurance. When I get sick, I start popping vitamins like they're those invincibility stars in Super Mario Bros: C, B, zinc, Echinacea (obvs), and whatever weird "Wellness Capsules" my dad sends me in the mail that always smell like a combination of garlic and innocence lost. So, YEAH, I want any medicine I take to work as goddamn much as it possibly can. <br />
<br />
Are my symptoms always SEVERE? I dunno, but I'm usually a severe asshole when I have a cold, and when I go to work while sick I severely want to murder everyone I encounter followed by myself. So, unless DayQuil Severe causes me to bleed from every orifice or grow a pair of testicles on my back, I'm gonna take it. Hell, even if it does cause those things, I'm probably going to take it--I can sleep on my side and lean forward in my chair at work; and as for the blood, I see three people with worse issues than that every day on the train--and those guys get whole subway cars to themselves! What's the alternative? A sore throat and nasal congestion? No thank you.<br />
<br />
I find it very hard to believe they have invented new medicine to make my mucus dry up. If they have, it's time for cancer and AIDS to stop having walks and start taking a page from Vicks' playbook. And also--Vicks: stop trying to mildly alleviate my cold symptoms and start curing those other horrible, horrible diseases! People could really use CancerQuil: Severe Relief.<br />
<br />
Don't Call It a Comeback,<br />
WitzWitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-59456654310686636402013-08-08T12:50:00.000-07:002013-08-09T06:33:34.854-07:00Witz Pickz: Parenting<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnRGzKQrws1Bz_s8MNk9bJByx9tfxOe13WoaK1w-K5ykCbVv4j-kebUxbkk_tm9LCjTBG8Xy0T7m2wMEXcFJja5sT29EW8Gqmz83-71YvnFtfJbnq9oem0MPnMxWwLxiDy4d88Og/s1600/bad_parenting_6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnRGzKQrws1Bz_s8MNk9bJByx9tfxOe13WoaK1w-K5ykCbVv4j-kebUxbkk_tm9LCjTBG8Xy0T7m2wMEXcFJja5sT29EW8Gqmz83-71YvnFtfJbnq9oem0MPnMxWwLxiDy4d88Og/s320/bad_parenting_6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Okay, I realize I haven’t posted in months, but let’s not
make a big deal out of it. Why haven’t I posted in so long? Oh, I dunno—maybe it’s
because <a href="http://www.parade.com/tag/daily-cute/" target="_blank">I started writing the Daily Cute for Parade.com and it’s incredibly tough to be cynical and edgy when a part of every day is spent trying to think of synonyms for “adorable” and puns involving “otter.”</a> Or maybe it’s because I’m
getting married in September, and while we all know I’ve blogged before
marriage, I’ve sworn to wait until after the wedding to post again as a sign of
my commitment. Then again, maybe I’ve just been super lazy and unmotivated—tough
to say.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Speaking of being lazy and unmotivated—babies, am I right?
More and more of my friends have been acquiring children (that’s the creepiest
way you can put that, by the way) and it’s got me thinking about the shockingly
brief amount of time I have left before I will inevitably become a parent myself. Of the dreams
I haven’t attempted; of how my remaining self-centered days can best be
utilized; and if, ultimately, I’m ready. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The short answer is, “Yes, I’m ready,”--but the longer
answer is, “Of course I’m not ready, nobody really is, and all I can really
hope to do is minimize the amount of urine and feces I get on my face.” The
thing is, I see my friends with kids and they seem like great parents. And I
know how my sister and I were raised and I think our parents were great. But,
really, we have no idea, because there’s still time left. I think you can only
truly know if you’re a good parent, like, sixty years later when you find out
if your child has serial-killed or not. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People say to me, “Oh, your parents seem like they did a
good job raising you,” and all I can say is, “So far, sure.” There’s still
plenty of time for me to prove them wrong; which is what makes it so scary. Who
knows what decisions will have unintended consequences? I may be loving and
selfless and protective, but not too protective, and supportive, and always
telling them to follow their dreams, but then one day it turns out their dream
was to wear other people’s skin as a tank top and suddenly I wasn’t such a good
dad after all. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR3Jy27KiA4tnyLDrBCeQKDCO3iBzUISe_Bd8n9fxbolCBdvDWpX0nNefB0E2ZYnA1MjZZUOnvrGLvXKzpZ2firEcy6ouD5NnV93tX2qFUqpO-LTbEmHvJlxcN2HlSmGS-9lwAMg/s1600/parenting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR3Jy27KiA4tnyLDrBCeQKDCO3iBzUISe_Bd8n9fxbolCBdvDWpX0nNefB0E2ZYnA1MjZZUOnvrGLvXKzpZ2firEcy6ouD5NnV93tX2qFUqpO-LTbEmHvJlxcN2HlSmGS-9lwAMg/s200/parenting.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Here's a list of what I have going for me in the parent department:</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-I have a supportive family in the area who will love and support my child and help me in every conceivable way.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Before any parenting decision, I plan to ask myself, "What would Coach and Tammy Taylor Do?"</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-I'm not a child molester.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-I've seen every episode of the show Parenthood AND I disagreed with some of it. Anyone who agrees with all the parenting decisions in that show is probably unfit to be a parent.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-The Red Sox won the world series in my lifetime--twice. I'm a more calm, reasonable human being because of it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVXIOA36gkjchI_l17INdtdtS1Oi0_wSow-1sZougmKpHlzyDx3AJRKi9FWnHZxJlzE4FfhWjZkOwK3uoioXkI1Ik7kSGKslsagjXTgzqivaWfmB0DVGTrcwF8DjXRkRPDgBVvpw/s1600/Eric-Taylor.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="151" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVXIOA36gkjchI_l17INdtdtS1Oi0_wSow-1sZougmKpHlzyDx3AJRKi9FWnHZxJlzE4FfhWjZkOwK3uoioXkI1Ik7kSGKslsagjXTgzqivaWfmB0DVGTrcwF8DjXRkRPDgBVvpw/s320/Eric-Taylor.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Here's a list of what I have against me in the parent department:</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Kid's gonna be hairy, and will probably hold that against me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-I see no problems with what Dexter does. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-I talk about how poorly teachers are paid and what a travesty it is...and yet I currently make LESS than TEACHERS.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-I really really want to give my child a ridiculous name. I'm only 60% kidding at this point. Top picks are currently "Travith" so it sounds like he has a lisp, and "Enward" pronounced like Edward but with an "n" for reasons that should be comedically obvious. For a girl, I think the name "Tara-Reid" is nice and comes with no baggage whatsoever. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I guess only time will tell. Good luck to the parents out there, and try to keep the poop out of your mouth. All us non-parents still think it's gross.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Putting Your Kids' Photos on the Internet Is Kind of Like Saying You Think Pedophiles Would Like Your Child...A Little Bit...It Kinda Is...Think About It,</div>
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Witz</div>
Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-73702509677169826892013-02-07T07:07:00.001-08:002013-02-07T07:07:49.208-08:00Witz Pickz: A (Mis)Guide to Interpreting Your Dreams<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->Most<span style="font-family: inherit;"> people don’t know that I got my Masters Degree in dream
psychology and that’s because it’s not true. I don’t see why a complete lack of
relevant higher education should keep me from explaining to you all the meaning
of common dream occurrences and interpreting your dreams, so I invite you all to lie down, relax, and learn a thing or two. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
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<b>Falling:</b> Almost everyone has had a dream in which they feel
as though they are falling. Sometimes it is off a cliff, sometimes from a
plane, or sometimes simply plummeting downward with no clear points to define the space.
This is a good thing. You are simply coming to terms with the fact that we are
all hurtling through time towards our guaranteed demise, staring wide-eyed as the
hard reality of death races up to meet you. Alternately, you might have eaten
some bad chicken. When faced with their own mortality, chickens often reflect
on their inability to fly despite having wings, traces of which sometimes
remain in the meat that is then consumed.</div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
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<br /></div>
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Teeth Falling Out:</b> Another classic. Losing teeth is
primarily connected to the subconscious admission of poor dental hygiene. Sure,
flossing sucks and takes up valuable minutes, but ask any old person what they’ve
learned in their life and they’ll tell you, “Take care of your teeth.” In
addition, losing your teeth in a dream might be connected with watching too
much <i>Homeland</i>, because that shit is fucking sweet.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Losing Your Hair: </b>You’re probably just worried about losing
your hair. I know I am. I’ll look absurd. Like if the kid from <i>Mad Magazine</i> and
Dr. Katz had a love child. Or, I guess, like my dad. Either way, it’s gonna be
a nightmare.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5OWt8dcMxKiTGfNf5dT4pu7Pvy_FmyByoKF371bC-yGGTbMt73PsduHpI_GrlvKil0uxoQDLLk7jzvTVNMLnjX4gyI5H8OooxIsBdVRUeiCHS_g9nfvW8rIdJk6151X3tDvR1Rg/s1600/Mad+Katz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="163" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5OWt8dcMxKiTGfNf5dT4pu7Pvy_FmyByoKF371bC-yGGTbMt73PsduHpI_GrlvKil0uxoQDLLk7jzvTVNMLnjX4gyI5H8OooxIsBdVRUeiCHS_g9nfvW8rIdJk6151X3tDvR1Rg/s320/Mad+Katz.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></b><b style="font-family: inherit;">Being Naked in Public:</b><span style="font-family: inherit;"> This typically means
you’re angry at society and are looking to rebel. Your dream nudity is a big
middle finger to authority and the social mores and folkways that </span>you've<span style="font-family: inherit;"> come
to loathe in everyday life. When you realize you’re naked in your dream, you
feel a sense of shame and humiliation because of your nudity, when in reality,
you’re ashamed of the fact that in real life you haven’t done
anything to voice your anger or resentment because you're a scared little bunny wabbit. Alternately, you might be watching
too much porn or HBO’s <i>Girls</i>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Being Chased:</b> Running away from something in a dream is
often interpreted as the stress and pressures of day-to-day life chasing you
while you sleep and leaving you to run away as you are unable to confront your
problems. This is total nonsense. Being chased in a dream is your body’s way of
telling you it’s time to exercise. At some point soon, something is going to rend
our stable society to pieces, be it zombies, an economic crash, a snow-pocalypse,
a Tu-Pacalypse, or a super storm. Your brain is telling you it’s time to
prepare for the aftermath.</span></div>
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>That seems like
plenty for today. Let’s move on to some interpretations of readers' dreams:</span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% white; line-height: 115%;">I had a dream that my husband and I were trying
to buy a home but we couldn't get approved for a loan because the bank
discovered that our cat had a serious gambling problem.</span></i><span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% white; line-height: 115%;"> –Submitted by “TLC”</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m just gonna put this out there to get it out of the way
and then we can move on: Are you the “cat”? If not, we can go a little deeper.</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">You’re most likely worried about such a big
investment and are subconsciously questioning if it’s a good idea. Adjustable-Rate
Mortgages are the gambling cats of the realty world, and you never know if you’ll
end up owing thousands more than you anticipated. Conversely, a Fixed-Rate
Mortgage is more stable, but will still leave you with a lot of money to pay
back over time. Perhaps your cat </span>doesn't<span style="font-family: inherit;"> have a gambling problem—perhaps the
problem is that the cat is gambling at all.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% white; line-height: 115%;">I was sitting on a longboard in the middle of a
boundless ocean, which in and of itself was strange because I've never surfed
in my life. Then I heard this train conductor voice say "Allllllllll
Abooooooardddddd!" and I turned and behind me was an enormous wave that
caught me and lifted me maybe fifty feet, right in the middle of the wave,
which I rode in to a beach. I was sitting on a picnic bench drying off when my
ex-gf walked up and told me she was moving across the country and that we
needed to break up. Then she swam out into the ocean.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span> </i>–Submitted by "The Max"</span></span></div>
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</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Well, doesn’t your brain just mop up a mess nicely! I mean,
you got to ride a wave train!! I—whew. Professionalism. OK. So. I think it’s
pretty clear that in this dream the “ocean” represents the vastness of humanity—more
fish in the sea and whatnot—and the longboard is obviously a phallus. You’re
gonna “ride” that thing across the “ocean” to safety and comfort and, in the
end, you’ll be sitting happily on solid ground while your ex-girlfriend dives
back into the “ocean” away from you, with no other land in sight. Then again,
it could just mean you ate some bad chicken. You’d be surprised how often that’s
the case.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaH6N0Py4uTQmDQ0BbT0oZYO7CFdNylymfjMYUZLAKkElX9vux5bvxTZH7yaXpPnc4EJGw-lMF1ea6iwHI872TmaKv3Djs4BX3HHkdFD29MAO6t3CsMaZPtd3QELvg1YqP7DMJIA/s1600/brock.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaH6N0Py4uTQmDQ0BbT0oZYO7CFdNylymfjMYUZLAKkElX9vux5bvxTZH7yaXpPnc4EJGw-lMF1ea6iwHI872TmaKv3Djs4BX3HHkdFD29MAO6t3CsMaZPtd3QELvg1YqP7DMJIA/s320/brock.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Want your dreams interpreted in the next installment of A (Mis)Guide
to Interpreting Your Dreams? Email brief descriptions of your dreams to <a href="mailto:witzpickz@gmail.com">witzpickz@gmail.com</a> or tweet @WitzPickz. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This Is the Only Tim</span>e Anyone Is Ever Going to Ask You to
Talk About Your Dreams, So Jump On It,</div>
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Witz</div>
Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com70tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-78471565837243050352013-01-30T19:19:00.001-08:002013-01-30T19:19:34.707-08:00Witz DOESN'T Pick: Lying Sack of Treadmills<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoPE7Et10e-w-Rsz_Kvw3T7EDKAj7vxmK-rR4dycqDlvlFn4EijytjvLhgkOZkemU6DaSL9g54r5Re_VDIs0BFDkXMrd0CeHNldYxrtWcO6F30tEvq4WkOgUWedJLrU_ldvMsQdA/s1600/running+is+not+recommended.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoPE7Et10e-w-Rsz_Kvw3T7EDKAj7vxmK-rR4dycqDlvlFn4EijytjvLhgkOZkemU6DaSL9g54r5Re_VDIs0BFDkXMrd0CeHNldYxrtWcO6F30tEvq4WkOgUWedJLrU_ldvMsQdA/s320/running+is+not+recommended.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I wish the treadmill wasn't a goddamn liar. Alright, lemme start over. These days, I'll take praise wherever I can get it, which is why when a treadmill tells me "Great Work!" I like to think I can believe it. But no, I can't. So again: I wish the treadmill wasn't a goddamn liar.<br />
<br />
Here's what happened. I had just finished running for an hour at the gym. I had long ago soaked through my shirt, so my sweat had progressed down to my shorts--that's how I know I've really put in a solid effort, when I end up looking like an extra in <i>The Impossible</i> (oo, topical!). It doesn't help any that the little treadmill fans are the rice cakes of the fan world--a nice idea, but entirely function-less and always breaking. The air comes out of the vents like an eighty-nine year old man trying to quietly blow out his birthday candles. And failing. A few months back, when my gym asked what I thought needed improvement I wrote loudly, "MORE FANS, PLEASE!" Instead, they replaced half the treadmills with newer models which no longer had fans on them and then raised everyone's membership $1.95/mo. Touche.<br />
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This is all to say that I really HAD done some "Great Work!" on the treadmill. I'd run over six miles, had burned just under one-thousand calories, and despite my soggy everything, I felt the treadmill and I had bonded during our time together, so I appreciated the parting praise. I went to get some paper towels and disinfectant to wipe down the machine and when I returned, some dude had already hopped on the treadmill and had started walking. "Oh, sorry, I can wipe that down for you," I said, because I'm a classy motherfucker and also because the treadmill looked like a Rorschach test of my perspiration. "Oh, sure, thanks, sorry!" the guy said and hit the stop button. I stepped up to wipe off the screen and noticed four things: ":47 seconds," ".03 miles," "4 calories," and taunting me across the top, the words "Great Work!"<br />
<br />
But that is not great work, is it? No. It is not. It is not great work at all. It is bullshit.<br />
<br />
I'd been had.<br />
<br />
When you're condescended and lied to by a machine, it really makes you take a step back and put things in perspective. Like maybe you shouldn't be putting quite so much weight on treadmill-based achievements. At the very least, maybe you shouldn't be pleased by a pre-programmed assortment of LED lights intended to motivate each and every person who sets foot on said treadmill. Machines are not people (except for Johnny Five who was more human than any of us will ever be). Perhaps, one should put more stock in human-based feedback, and put more energy towards actual achievements. Like writing more than two blog posts a month for a bunch of readers who have been reading crap like this for over six years.<br />
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<br />
Then again, I really think I can impress that treadmill. So, we'll have to wait and see.<br />
<br />
I Bet Pro Athletes Slap Each Other On the Ass and Wink So They Know That They Mean It, Like, "Great Work," Wink, Smack, "Yep, He Meant It," Because That's a Lotta Effort and Ass Play for a Lie,<br />
WitzWitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-32905213124056603812013-01-15T13:14:00.000-08:002013-01-15T13:14:04.117-08:00Witz Pickz: The Failbag<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Since I don't get any real reader emails, I decided it would be a good idea to start posting the occasional "mailbag" of responses to spam comments which I receive on a daily basis. All links have been removed so spam doesn't win. I present you with: The Failbag. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In response to "<a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2010/07/witz-pickz-what-fck-are-silly-bandz.html" target="_blank">What the F*ck are Silly Bandz</a>"</span></span><br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">First
of all I want to say great blog! I had a quick question that I'd like
to ask if you don't mind.
I was interested to know how you center yourself and clear your head
prior to writing.
I've had difficulty clearing my mind in getting my ideas out. I truly do
enjoy writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are
usually lost simply just trying to figure out how to begin. Any ideas
or hints? Appreciate it!
My web site - Cheap Fish Food</span></span></i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Great questions<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">--and while I don't own a fish, you should know that <span style="font-size: small;">if I did, I'd be in favor of not<span style="font-size: small;">-expensive food for it<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">! I</span>f I knew how to clear my head, I wouldn't be writing about <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">S</span>il<span style="font-size: small;">ly <span style="font-size: small;">B</span>andz <span style="font-size: small;">and <i>Premium Rush</i>, I'd be a functioning adult<span style="font-size: small;"> and have far more important things going on. My suggestion would be to write for more than 10-1<span style="font-size: small;">5 minutes. That's a super short amount of<span style="font-size: small;"> ti<span style="font-size: small;">me. I<span style="font-size: small;">'ve spent more time than that deciding which brand <span style="font-size: small;">of bread to buy at the <span style="font-size: small;">grocery store. <span style="font-size: small;">I've spent more time than that sitting on the toilet<span style="font-size: small;">, figuring out IF I even had to po<span style="font-size: small;">op.<span style="font-size: small;"> You get my point. </span></span></span>If you need ideas, do wh<span style="font-size: small;">at I do and embarrass yourself<span style="font-size: small;"> in public<span style="font-size: small;"> and then tell everyone about it. O<span style="font-size: small;">r, get way angry at <span style="font-size: small;">inane<span style="font-size: small;">, un-i<span style="font-size: small;">mportant things and <span style="font-size: small;">really</span> let it get to you. <span style="font-size: small;">Let fester for about 24-48 hours, then vent! Your writing should start flowing in no time. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In response to "<a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2008/07/witz-pickz-standard-treadmill-procedure.html" target="_blank">Standard Treadmill Procedure</a><span style="font-size: small;">"</span></span></span><br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">You need to take part in a contest for one of<span style="font-size: small;"> the greatest websites on the net. I most certainly will recommend this website!</span></span></span></span></i><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Most of my spare time is spent entering "One of the <span style="font-size: small;">G</span>reatest <span style="font-size: small;">W</span>ebsites on the <span style="font-size: small;">N</span>et<span style="font-size: small;">" contests! </span>Unfortunately,<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> no matter how <span style="font-size: small;">well<span style="font-size: small;"> written or insightful a blog post is, nothing <span style="font-size: small;">can hold a <span style="font-size: small;">candle to</span> pictures and videos of inter-sp<span style="font-size: small;">ecies animal friends.<span style="font-size: small;"> Rabbit and cats cuddling? <span style="font-size: small;">Monkey riding a dog? <span style="font-size: small;">A blin<span style="font-size: small;">d horse <span style="font-size: small;">with</span> a seeing-eye goat?<span style="font-size: small;"> Nothing beats that. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span></span></i>
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<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In response to "<a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2010/07/witz-pickz-what-fck-are-silly-bandz.html" target="_blank">What the F*ck are Silly Bandz</a>"</span></span><br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I am sure this article has touched all the internet people, its
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">That seems unlikely!<span style="font-size: small;"> The only thing that's touched all the internet people is Tom from Myspace and now he's in jail for a long, long time. </span> </span></span><br />
<br />
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<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> In response to "<a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2009/07/witz-doesnt-know-if-he-pickz.html" target="_blank">Revolutionary Condoms</a>"</span></span><br />
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I know it must seem like there's a huge staff working here at Witz Pickz, what with the 14 posts in 2012 and all, but in actuality, it's just me! Regardless, I'm glad you found my condom arguments pleasant, and didn't mind the slight ribbing they included--they were ultimately for your pleasure. For added enjoyment, I suggest drinking some alcohols or smoking some drugs before reading more posts. This will numb you and make the experience last longer. Thanks for your comment and good luck with your naked teens!<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In response to "<a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2009/07/witz-doesnt-know-if-he-pickz.html" target="_blank">Revolutionary<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Condoms</a>"</span></span><br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hello! I've been reading your site for a while now and finally got the
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Just to clarify for anyone new to the site, he was scared to write because he knows about my well-documented hatred for <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porter,_Texas" target="_blank">Porter, Texas</a>. And you were right to be scared, anonymous reader. While I appreciate the compliments and will probably begrudgingly visit your site at some point, you should know better than to stick your head up from the sands along I-69, just outside of Houston. You're not half the town New Caney is to your north, nor Kingwood to your south. Your estimated population of 25,627 disgusts me! You think you're sooooo high and mighty since the Texas Education Agency rated your school district as "recognized" in 2009! You can't even "recognize" that that's a shitty rating. And it's always Robert Crippin this and Robert Crippin that with you people. WE GET IT--he was the pilot of the first orbital test flight of the Space Shuttle program and was the commander of three additional shuttle flights. And he grew up in Porter. Shut up about it! Why can't you just hurry up and be a ghost town like your Montgomery County brethren, Esperanza, Texas?? Ugh, and don't even get me started on Yancy Road. Also, check back soon for more posts!<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In response to "<a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2012/08/witz-doesnt-pick-paul-ryans-playlist.html" target="_blank">Paul Ryan's Playlist</a><span style="font-size: small;">"</span> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
......That was weird okay thanks keep reading!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU-4yY1w2cCFXcRzKm673722qYbm7HCxXm4tgpQXpWH6dBNhbIA6dhkBXgbNNsJy0bDR0mM5B3DCP4P9-ku-Qf0TN3JOdWokAV3dORCW85ihx87mFBgbfmjE-uJjyIkPFpsryZ5A/s1600/riddler+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="156" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU-4yY1w2cCFXcRzKm673722qYbm7HCxXm4tgpQXpWH6dBNhbIA6dhkBXgbNNsJy0bDR0mM5B3DCP4P9-ku-Qf0TN3JOdWokAV3dORCW85ihx87mFBgbfmjE-uJjyIkPFpsryZ5A/s200/riddler+2.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In response to "<a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2012/12/witz-pickz-reynolds-parchment-paper.html" target="_blank">Reynolds Parchment Paper</a><span style="font-size: small;">"</span></span></span><br />
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Yes. YES. Thank you for finally saying it. Some people turn to Wikipedia for answers, but there are other sites out there and I wish more people would realize that. I set out to write the definitive article on Reynolds parchment paper and I fucking nailed it. People said it couldn't be done--that it HAD been discussed for decades and there was nothing left worth mentioning. Well, haters, whattya think now? Just because support came from what I can only assume is the host of an Italian oral sex porn pic site doesn't make it any less relevant or true. Boom. "I did that."<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In response to "<a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2012/08/witz-pickz-xxx-olympic-games.html" target="_blank">The XXX Olympic Game</a><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2012/08/witz-pickz-xxx-olympic-games.html" target="_blank">s</a>"</span> </span></span><br />
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What can I say to that, really, beyond simply that it is an honor to be your peer and I look forward to seeing how we change the world together.<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In response to "<a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2009/02/witz-doesnt-pick-threat-of-death-but.html" target="_blank">Threat of Death (But Not Death)</a>"</span></span><br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It's such a ticke<span style="font-size: small;">ty-boo site. <span style="font-size: small;">fanciful, quite stimulating!!</span></span></span></span></i><br />
<br />
You have no idea how long I've been waiting for somebody to say that. Witz Pickz has been called glammer-flan and giggity-spoon, and even rascal-munch once, but never the coveted tickety-boo. I'm so glad you enjoy it.*<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/crfGXmxJ1vM?rel=0" width="360"></iframe> <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; display: inline ! important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">In response to "<a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2009/08/witz-doesnt-pick-comfort-wipe.html" target="_blank">The Comfort Wipe</a><span style="font-size: small;">"</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: #222222; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; display: inline ! important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><i>It is rather interesting for me to read this post. Thanx for it. I like such themes and everything connected to them. I definitely want to read a bit more soon.</i><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: #222222; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; display: inline ! important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-converted-space">"Shit" yeah<span style="font-size: small;"> (see what I did there<span style="font-size: small;">)!<span style="font-size: small;"> I can't take too much credit<span style="font-size: small;"> as t</span>he <span style="font-size: small;">Comfort Wipe is an interesting product <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">and</span> the <span style="font-size: small;">post basically wrote itself.<span style="font-size: small;"> I'll try and write more about related themes<span style="font-size: small;"> and items, which, just to make sure <span style="font-size: small;">we're on the same page, means butts, right? <span style="font-size: small;">Butts, toilet paper, old age, obesity, and possibly even those <span style="font-size: small;">tennis ball thrower things that people use with dogs<span style="font-size: small;">? </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> <br />
<br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: #222222; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; display: inline ! important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-converted-space">Please send <span style="font-size: small;">questions or comments for future <span style="font-size: small;">"Failbags" to <span style="font-size: small;"><a href="mailto:witzpickz@gmail.com">witzpickz@gmail.com</a><span style="font-size: small;">!<span style="font-size: small;"> They can be about a <span style="font-size: small;">post, about something completely unrelated, or <span style="font-size: small;">really anything you want me to respond to<span style="font-size: small;">.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
It Took Me Seven Years to Come Up With That,<br />
Witz<br />
<br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: #222222; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; display: inline ! important; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-converted-space">*<span style="font-size: small;">Spell<span style="font-size: small;">-check has no problem with "rascal-munch."</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span> </span>Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-1658744278693904912013-01-09T07:22:00.000-08:002013-01-09T07:22:23.272-08:00Witz Flix: Premium Rush<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTPCMt1oqVxS9h_GOLQozM4R-qiR-riH2fMuEjnUI-vkluVJHpmXEhuzImLM3EPxnIVfA-lExJQ6G40ayL8s18pdlM5W6VaSASJZiPvT4gzRdnPpup4bKyYEDOrpKAs4yzo5n9DA/s1600/premium-rush.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTPCMt1oqVxS9h_GOLQozM4R-qiR-riH2fMuEjnUI-vkluVJHpmXEhuzImLM3EPxnIVfA-lExJQ6G40ayL8s18pdlM5W6VaSASJZiPvT4gzRdnPpup4bKyYEDOrpKAs4yzo5n9DA/s320/premium-rush.jpg" width="220" /></a>I can't think of any better way to zoom into 2013 here on Witz Pickz than to post about the most hipster-sounding flick of all time. In <i>Premium Rush</i>, Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a bike messenger in NYC who feels the need for relatively high speed. From what I understand, he and his fixie are chased all over town by some bad guy because of a package he is attempting to deliver.<br />
<br />
I know. I'm excited, too. <br />
<br />
<i>Premium Rush</i> is available to watch instantly on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Premium-Rush/dp/B00ARAO720/ref=sr_1_1?s=instant-video&ie=UTF8&qid=1357684907&sr=1-1&keywords=premium+rush" target="_blank">Amazon.com</a> or stream it for free at <a href="http://www.movie2k.to/Premium-Rush-watch-movie-2212353.html" target="_blank">Movie2k.to</a>. <br />
<br />
1 min: Uh-oh. The movie kicks off with "Baba O'Riley" (Teenage Wasteland), the best movie-soundtrack song ever, while a slow-motion Joseph Gordon-Levitt flies through the air like his kick just snapped him back from a dream. Wasting no time, the title "PREMIUM RUSH" hits the screen the same moment JGL hits the ground. This poses the main question of the film: What if I like <i>Premium Rush</i>??<br />
<br />
2 min: The time is 6:33pm, but don't get too attached, because we're about to get the high-octane thrill of a non-linear narrative. Back to 5:00pm.<br />
<br />
3 min: "Fixed gear, steel frame, no brakes; the bike cannot coast. The pedals never stop turning. Can't stop. Don't want to, either." Even one-nutted Lance Armstrong just went from six to midnight.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilPQrwR7XQa-aB9iuPG63Nbtynrc1lRSBaXENrumIIohBmnK_Jp9bXBCpR4VH-_zEBdPCsGWH4mArB0zx2zVZbkUjIkkEEUihf10WuXKY6W4E0j_zDaGdEcx0zXbbR2Ww9l6WaVA/s1600/lance.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilPQrwR7XQa-aB9iuPG63Nbtynrc1lRSBaXENrumIIohBmnK_Jp9bXBCpR4VH-_zEBdPCsGWH4mArB0zx2zVZbkUjIkkEEUihf10WuXKY6W4E0j_zDaGdEcx0zXbbR2Ww9l6WaVA/s200/lance.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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4 min: I mean, personally, I have a nice little 12-speeder with a gel-cushion seat popped on there for my man-bits, but to each his own.<br />
<br />
5 min: Oh snap! Manny jumped his route! That means this other messenger picked up a package and did JGL's work for him because he got there first and it was convenient for both of them! Don't you just hate it when a co-worker does work for you?? JGL does--he is livid.<br />
<br />
6 min: Biking-through-traffic porn. Everyone on the road's like, "I didn't see that coming!"<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="203" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_PV0vWjoY8M?rel=0" width="360"></iframe><br />
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7 min: Vanessa is the messenger girl he's dating or possibly not dating because she's angry at him. I don't know if this matters.<br />
<br />
8 min: Aasif Mandvi plays the dispatch person at the bike office. A job gets called in and he gives it to JGL, adding, "Don't screw it up, it's premium rush," and I swear to you I cannot tell if he means the type of delivery or the film in general. <br />
<br />
9 min: More cycling porn. Joseph Gordon-Levitt would have all his Tour de France victories stripped because this guy is DOPE.<br />
<br />
11 min: Picks up a letter at Columbia University which has to be delivered in 90 minutes to Chinatown. I can't stress enough right now how easily this could be achieved by hopping on the subway.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7oYcJEXmIl8H6_9FhoxaZ8gL1S4GtQKUGE0jGzX1F-VJsX4npsa5eVU75kJCiy0HsQFOidU_Mi5SB4Wp35vyYx7YA3HyYO1FnOHAeJATHp1H3l6vCOprl7Kcw_b62v6_5ktHnQQ/s1600/Subway+map.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7oYcJEXmIl8H6_9FhoxaZ8gL1S4GtQKUGE0jGzX1F-VJsX4npsa5eVU75kJCiy0HsQFOidU_Mi5SB4Wp35vyYx7YA3HyYO1FnOHAeJATHp1H3l6vCOprl7Kcw_b62v6_5ktHnQQ/s320/Subway+map.jpg" width="178" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>(Just take the 1 or walk over to the C train, dawg!)</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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12 min: Ok, so the important part is probably where the super-religious ATF agent from <i>Boardwalk Empire</i> (crickets?) tries to get the letter back from JGL before he leaves campus. But what I WANT to tell you is that JGL refers to a burrito as an "urban food log." The guy threatens him, to which JGL replies, "Hold my log," and pedals away before the guy can do anything. The guy's left holding JGL's big metaphorical dick in his hands. <br />
<br />
15 min: Car chasing bicycle. It's...less than thrilling. I also skipped over 3 minutes of painful exposition which mostly revealed JGL's intense dislike of brakes.<br />
<br />
16 min: SALMON!!!! That's the word my buddy told me to call someone riding the wrong way on a one-way street. If you guessed JGL might do that in this movie, give yourself a pat on the back.<br />
<br />
18 min: There's about a <i>50/50</i> chance I finish this movie.<br />
<br />
19 min: <i>Lincoln</i> would have been happy to get shot before this movie ended.<br />
<br />
20 min: The producers must have shat a <i>Brick </i>when they saw how bad the box office was for this.<br />
<br />
22 min: WhoooOOOoaaaAAAAhhhhHHH! Get ready adrenaline junkies, we just got transported from 5:47pm to 3:27pm!<br />
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25 min: There comes a time in every man's life when he has to admit that he no longer understands the plot of <i>Premium Rush</i>. I'll try and catch you up: the bad guy is a cop who is way into pai gow and is also bad at it so he owes a lot of money. In order to get even with the gambling guys, he's told he can steal a "ticket" from somewhere which is worth $50,000. I'm assuming this ticket is in the letter which JGL has, but since my game is mahjong, I'm kind of at a <i>Stop-Loss</i> here.<br />
<br />
30 min: JGL's neck is the only proof I need that Brontosauruses existed. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSlLQ9l6pm_KWg-qboiNFiURM52tR99CekhLpzHmjVJpt-7cNnYzSwvz9dk1goVM-o2QEIkAzgK1_inydCk2l9q4r7kM5ebQjHKYAD3TSn4EUzk6nFi7ScxpmF-4lWvZC2L5FADQ/s1600/long+neck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSlLQ9l6pm_KWg-qboiNFiURM52tR99CekhLpzHmjVJpt-7cNnYzSwvz9dk1goVM-o2QEIkAzgK1_inydCk2l9q4r7kM5ebQjHKYAD3TSn4EUzk6nFi7ScxpmF-4lWvZC2L5FADQ/s320/long+neck.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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34 min: Ya know what band this kid would really hate? Brakes Brakes Brakes. (That joke would be better if that band had been more successful.)<br />
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39 min: A lot's going down in Chinatown. Also, did you know that they have full-size versions of those tiny umbrellas that go into drinks?? Okay, anyway, earlier in the day, the girl JGL got the letter from, who is roommates with that Vanessa girl, dropped off a lot of money with a dude in Chinatown who then gave her a ticket to a movie which is the same ticket which JGL is carrying and the cop is trying to steal. So, it's kind of like a claim ticket?<br />
<br />
41 min: Unfathomable. After starting the conversation in English, the old man and the girl converse in Chinese for literally 1 minute and 40 seconds. Don't get cute, <i>Premium Rush</i>. (Side note: this scene is what it's gonna be like all the time if we keep borrowing money from China.)<br />
<br />
45 min: This whole movie is like one giant ad for UPS.<br />
<br />
47 min: JGL returns the letter to Columbia, but drops it at the front desk instead of giving it directly to the girl. When she goes to get it, Manny had already picked it up again, with it now going to the new address called in by the cop. <br />
<br />
This is not entirely unlike how Em-Dash had to race all around NYC trying to track down her package which was delivered to the wrong address after Hurricane Sandy, and instead of helping her get the package in time, they sent it back to Tennessee. Excellent work, guys.<br />
<br />
48 min: When pushed for information, the girl tells him that the money is for an importer to smuggle her son into the country. Only makin' good decisions, this girl...<br />
<br />
52 min: Thanks to the highly competitive world of bike-messenger delivery-ing, a simple solution has turned into a street race. Manny has the letter and is racing JGL for it. I just need to say one more time that none of this would have happened if they had just TAKEN THE SUBWAY!<br />
<br />
53 min: Ohhhhh! Vanessa just wiped out on her bike and then ripped off her busted brakes when she got back on. As JGL said earlier: "Brakes equal death!" It's go time!<br />
<br />
54 min: I bet the USPS saw this and was like, "Great! Juuuuuuust great! Now we look like a bunch of pussies!"<br />
<br />
55 min: "I'm in your draft, dude! It's like you're on my team!" Hahaha...just some cycling humor they worked in for the true fans.<br />
<br />
56 min: Oooo, JGL emerging from a cloud of smoke on the street--you can feel the director being proud of that one.<br />
<br />
57 min: CALVES! AM I RIGHT?!<br />
<br />
59 min: After all that, they basically tied in the race. A bike cop tackled Manny, the bad cop was waiting there for the ticket, but then Vanessa snagged Manny's bag, gave it to JGL, and they rode away while evading cops in cars. <br />
<br />
60 min: Just in case I don't get a chance to mention this later: FUCK CRITICAL MASS.<br />
<br />
61 min: ...Aaaaand we're back to the opening scene! Motherf#&er got hit by a motherf*ing taxi! Where are those whistling blue birds now, ya sad sap son of a bitch?<br />
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<br />
63 min: JGL is in the ambulance with the bad cop. The cop pokes JGL's broken ribs until he agrees to give him the letter (which has since been hidden in the handlebars of his bike). The bike is back at the impound lot so they all head there.<br />
<br />
69 min: I just realized I have no idea how important spokes are on a bike. JGL gets to his bike, but all the spokeses are brokeses. Is this a problem?<br />
<br />
70 min: It is! Vanessa snuck into the lot, so they both sneak around and JGL sees another bike. "I'm gonna shred the living shit outta that thing," he announces not creepily.<br />
<br />
72 min: Friggin' X Games NYC up in here. They both waste my time pulling tricks around the impound lot and then escape. <br />
<br />
74 min: This movie coulda been 100 times better if it was a buddy flick with French Stewart.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiff9zJEwat3xV3Eim9fICZ4ClJsWJ6IiaXAyWz1Czv1P_UcArLg6WYmEnpNpC_x99KpJqpmJfjanfdHJADMt6Rfakoh0puMAfLvAindCxKe5vddmE3QXREYoUZL89AqpYek8jXUw/s1600/french-stewart-1-sized.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiff9zJEwat3xV3Eim9fICZ4ClJsWJ6IiaXAyWz1Czv1P_UcArLg6WYmEnpNpC_x99KpJqpmJfjanfdHJADMt6Rfakoh0puMAfLvAindCxKe5vddmE3QXREYoUZL89AqpYek8jXUw/s1600/french-stewart-1-sized.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
75 min: Vanessa calls in a "flash mob." This is no time for spontaneous choreographed song and dance! Even if it <i>is</i> delightful!<br />
<br />
77 min: Oh, a flash mob is like the Bat-signal for bike messengers. Hey, by the way--is JGL gonna be the next Batman?? Nevermind, nevermind, ok, so all the bikers show up and ride around the bad cop, hitting him and tripping him, etc, etc. I think it's worth pointing out that while this cop is trying to steal this ticket, he's still A COP and they are all assaulting an officer who has a gun. This is what I'm saying about Critical Mass! It's like, I get it, you like bikes, but laws are laws, people, even when you have one pant leg rolled up!<br />
<br />
78 min: Are gloves without fingers cheaper? <br />
<br />
79 min: Ya know, despite all the shit I've been talking, bike
messengers might be the way to go. Thanks to other modes of delivery, I
have had two Netflix DVDs, a "Free Tim Riggins" t-shirt, a check, a
VGA-to-HDMI cable, and the special edition DVD of Forgetting Sarah
Marshall go missing in the mail. But my dinner always shows up at the
right place within 45 minutes when the delivery guy rides it over on his
bike...<br />
<br />
80 min: Oh, right. The ticket gets delivered, the bad cop gets shot by the Chinese guys, and the kid is smuggled out of China. "Baba O'Riley" starts playing again, but this time I'm a little older, a little wiser, and a little more cynical. You can't just bookend 80 minutes of bike-messenger action between the greatest of The Who songs and expect it to work. People are gonna--seventy-six on rotten tomatoes!? Seventy-six! That is higher than <i>The Hobbit</i> and <i>Les Miserables</i>, and ties it with <i>Flight</i>. Seventy-six. Great work, humanity. Great work.<br />
<br />
I Can't Believe I Didn't Get to Work In a Peloton Joke,<br />
WitzWitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-61774100595333063072012-12-20T09:59:00.000-08:002012-12-20T09:59:33.928-08:00It's the End of the World As We Know It and I See Why<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhACKsajc07X6rtyuktp2cJ3d1quTdprv-tGGZxocIdAY5aKboP7rlRae3UUz2xEY8x-VhMFqhyubiNIzNETrnXt71i-u-MzUAe6ufqPE_8s54ADThIvKoiiiePHqM5C-jVBaDi1w/s1600/mayan+temple.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhACKsajc07X6rtyuktp2cJ3d1quTdprv-tGGZxocIdAY5aKboP7rlRae3UUz2xEY8x-VhMFqhyubiNIzNETrnXt71i-u-MzUAe6ufqPE_8s54ADThIvKoiiiePHqM5C-jVBaDi1w/s400/mayan+temple.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>(I still can't figure out when Veterans Day is, but they know when the world ends?)</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Personally, I don't think the world is going to end on Friday. I don't even think that the Maya predicted the end of the world with all this calendar business. I believe that as much as they liked making their calendars (because let's face it, if they'd had <i>The Wire</i> or <i>Homeland</i>, their calendar would have ended centuries ago), they took a look around and decided that 1000 years in advance was enough calender-ing and called it a career. In fact, I believe they were supposed to stop at the year 2000, but overachieving Suzie-zuma* kept going another 12 years:<br />
<br />
"Pencils down!"<br />
"But, I'm almost at 2013!"<br />
"You were supposed to stop at 2000!"<br />
"But it's gonna look weird!"<br />
"This is not up for debate!"<br />
"Fine. But people are gonna read into this someday..." <br />
<br />
And look--if you've paid any attention at all to the news in the last year,
then you know that there are plenty of reasons to believe the end of the
world is near: from horrific environmental events to horrific man-made
events, the signs are there. Hell, a week before 12/21 there were TWO simultaneous meteor showers
that could be seen from Earth, i.e. the setup to every armageddon movie
from the 90's (specifically 1998). Combine that with the whole Mayan
End-of-the-World Prediction and you'd think that instead of sky-gazing,
people would have been freaking out and demanding Obama get Bruce Willis
on the horn--or at least Gary Sinise!<br />
<br />
Yet, for the most part, people aren't freaking out. Sure, I've seen a few "End of the World Survival Guide" posts and articles, but those all seem to be missing the point. They say to stock up on things like batteries and canned goods, and to invite your friends over so you're all in one place if something bad really does happen. These all seem to be missing the point. It's the END OF THE WORLD, not the end of perishable goods, retweets, and overages. It's all over! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) High-fives, fantasy football, Fox News. Donesies. Earth. Destroyed.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkHIyCCU2jRDr2xqzc1k-lWMAzG5Of4P1LXwi8woavvTEt17xHciXIOtWKp19PIHe02r-7NBsH9WqdAn0JhZqmKloiz7yARaY3r3iBhNH99uB11wcyecCe7rr62aZ7j9GrqOf7fw/s1600/media_pic_2012_end_of_world.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkHIyCCU2jRDr2xqzc1k-lWMAzG5Of4P1LXwi8woavvTEt17xHciXIOtWKp19PIHe02r-7NBsH9WqdAn0JhZqmKloiz7yARaY3r3iBhNH99uB11wcyecCe7rr62aZ7j9GrqOf7fw/s320/media_pic_2012_end_of_world.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
And while I don't believe we're all going to be doomed in the next 24-36 hours, I'll understand why we are if it does happen. It won't be because of the big, horrible news-making events which humanity perpetuates--no, those are too big, too major--those are things we as a species endure and eventually put behind us, for better or worse. It's going to be because of the small things--the things which nag and nag and nag until one day, they make the universe snap and flush the whole damn experiment down the proverbial toilet: <br />
<br />
<b>The Overabundant Use of "Curate"</b>: You used to have to work for years to earn the position and title of curator. The curator of the museum. The curator of the archives, or art collection, or a zoo. Now, everyone's a goddamn curator. "I curate the summer movies in the park," and, "I curate the menu at this pizza place," and, "I curate the contents of this publication." People may schedule, pick, or manage things, but only a very few curate. You are not the curator of your bed, no matter how carefully you select people to sleep with. You are not the curator of your blog, even if you're Witz-picking what is on it. And you are not the curator of your toilet, even if you're the one making the decisions about what ultimately gets flushed. But more and more people seem to think that they are. And that's why we're all gonna die. <br />
<br />
<b>Bill Murray Refusing to Make Another <i>Ghostbusters </i>Movie</b>: What, you're too good to add to the classic oeuvre of ghosts and those who bust them? Murray just played FDR in a movie that nobody knows exists, but he repeatedly refuses to be in a new <i>Ghostbusters</i> movie. And that's why we're all gonna die.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzqheRwTaW1MLzFrTJ8yT9UHZHhxZ2ZL-QsyskN2raQP3uh0A7qaxzsQ3Yhrgy4O3wq-Pj9Z_MRnV7tiwLG6RfvfXSQTSInNb67pM5_8bHTnuqo94Nc-Dr7cMkWm9JOCZuqCt-bA/s1600/A-Thousand-Words.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzqheRwTaW1MLzFrTJ8yT9UHZHhxZ2ZL-QsyskN2raQP3uh0A7qaxzsQ3Yhrgy4O3wq-Pj9Z_MRnV7tiwLG6RfvfXSQTSInNb67pM5_8bHTnuqo94Nc-Dr7cMkWm9JOCZuqCt-bA/s200/A-Thousand-Words.jpeg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>(Seriously, stop talking)</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Eddie Murphy Refusing to STOP Making Movies</b>: Eddie's most recent release was <i>A Thousand Words</i>, a movie entirely about forcing Eddie Murphy to shut the fuck up. And yet, he persists. IMDB informs me that his next movie after that box-office gem will be a TV movie of <i>Beverly Hills Cop</i>, in which he will play the same character he played in the <i>Beverly Hills Cop</i> movies that came out in theaters back when he was entertaining, thus closing the loop. And that's why we're all gonna die.<br />
<br />
<br />
These:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg2bb7ku6_Z5yHsqD_dwA5BIFHYCcLYNtqLVHgTa3g92eSh35g_V12KfTMkDzBjlLlu93tmr0rZ25DsDyeuGFYup4Savv7CNp21kELUhLNzi_rLXBbuJJya6MNLaXH2nCvJeRXJA/s1600/spirithoods.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="315" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg2bb7ku6_Z5yHsqD_dwA5BIFHYCcLYNtqLVHgTa3g92eSh35g_V12KfTMkDzBjlLlu93tmr0rZ25DsDyeuGFYup4Savv7CNp21kELUhLNzi_rLXBbuJJya6MNLaXH2nCvJeRXJA/s400/spirithoods.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>(And that's why we're all gonna die.)</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>50 Shades of Grey</b>: The book <a href="http://www.mediabistro.com/galleycat/fifty-shades-of-grey-wayback-machine_b49124" target="_blank">which began as Twilight fan-fiction</a> has been at the top of best-seller lists for months. I'm all for reading, but somebody needs to tell these people about the internet. It has porn everywhere! And while you may think your imagination and E.L. James' awkward sex descriptions are more vivid, I'm sure the internet has whatever gets you going, from romantic love scenes to a video of Gandalf shouting, "Call me Smeagol!" while banging Saruman next to a Dothraki hoard where Bella is giving birth to a half-hobbit-half-vampire who likes to watch. But instead of doing that or reading books which might enhance themselves or the way they see and understand the world around them, people are reading lines like, "Christian follows with two sharp thrusts, and he freezes, pouring himself into me as he finds his release." And that's why we're all gonna die.<br />
<br />
So, even though this whole Mayan Prediction thing is just a misunderstanding** and it's only the smallest of small chances that the world ends tomorrow, at least we can take refuge in the knowledge that we absolutely deserve it. Here's to 12/22/2012.<br />
<br />
Now Maybe Jesus Will Understand How it Feels to Have a Birthday So Close to Christmas,<br />
Witz<br />
<br />
<br />
*Calm down, I know Montezuma was an Aztec...now.<br />
**Article explaining calendar fiasco: <a href="http://bit.ly/V6FQCC">http://bit.ly/V6FQCC</a>Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-11109022255458194342012-12-11T07:52:00.001-08:002012-12-11T07:52:07.185-08:00Witz Pickz: People With AIDS Plaza<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz_yVwtX1wSPD4c0gdmHvMJiVh7pczebs5LsNAZUS7wfN2aBxgaPSvdwi8R9QH9WYD7YAYby7rPsqNWo_bJZaM69i3h9hqCAmdr1RZBcX2Z1FTKFoPMha1V8r8aGJbIJa48YTJFg/s1600/AIDS+Plaza.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz_yVwtX1wSPD4c0gdmHvMJiVh7pczebs5LsNAZUS7wfN2aBxgaPSvdwi8R9QH9WYD7YAYby7rPsqNWo_bJZaM69i3h9hqCAmdr1RZBcX2Z1FTKFoPMha1V8r8aGJbIJa48YTJFg/s320/AIDS+Plaza.JPG" width="240" /></a>Yes, seriously. There's a place in NYC called "People With AIDS Plaza." Now, if you're over forty, you're probably thinking, "Boy, we sure have come a long way; I remember when it used to just be called 'Dying Homosexuals Square.'" But, if you're under forty, your first thought was most likely, "Yikes! There HAS to be a better name for that!" Really think hard about it, though--there is no other name. Sure, it SOUNDS like it might be offensive, but it's really not.* It's just super specific. Like, try and think of any other location that is that specific. You can't, right? As far as I know, there's no "People With Dandruff Plaza" or "Folks With Nut Allergies Park." What else would you call it? There aren't nicknames for people with diseases. AIDS-ers? AIDSies? PWAIDS might work (People with AIDS), but that just sounds like a cute little kid asking for braids in her hair. So "People With AIDS Plaza" was really all they had to work with.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Now, why they would possibly name a place "People With AIDS Plaza" is a whole other question. How'd that meeting go, exactly?</div>
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<br /></div>
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"We should name a place for people with AIDS. Maybe a plaza?"</div>
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"Okay, but what should we call it?"</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"How about...People With AIDS Plaza?"</div>
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"Nailed it."</div>
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<br /></div>
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That's why you don't schedule meetings at 4:30pm on a Friday. Once I got over the name, my next thought was, "How awkward must it be to eat lunch there??" to which my friend Muckduck (formerly C-Murder) of Hardly Housewives fame, replied, "How awkward must it be to have unprotected sex there??" Fair point. It's just uncomfortable. Nobody is gonna name that as a meeting place. You're never gonna hear, "There's something just very calming and zen about hanging out at People With AIDS Plaza..." </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhsVTQBcicLnbbMd-VfJ9wXylFlvz4YZhrE9b670VTc08YhGKq3SJ2VArJ5MKUpq-n1OZAzMvDnPIKjgOY5vXbHUYLvBLMiJG-dKQRsJxl2rjAr10BKJivKuuf6evMhYdwJrkCNQ/s1600/tom+hanks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhsVTQBcicLnbbMd-VfJ9wXylFlvz4YZhrE9b670VTc08YhGKq3SJ2VArJ5MKUpq-n1OZAzMvDnPIKjgOY5vXbHUYLvBLMiJG-dKQRsJxl2rjAr10BKJivKuuf6evMhYdwJrkCNQ/s320/tom+hanks.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>("So, you're gonna lose the case and oh boy are you ever gonna be persecuted, but they ARE going to name a plaza after people with AIDS...Good trade?")</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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I guess the real question is just: what was the goal? Was it supposed to make people with AIDS feel better? "Sorry you have a horrific and life-threatening disease, but here's a plaza for you. That's what you were hoping for, right? A plaza?" Was it supposed to be informative? Because, sure it's a sign which might momentarily make people think about people suffering from AIDS, but most people are ignorant and disconnected and while there's a chance it will inspire some kind of empathetic act, it's far more likely that it will be ignored while people stare at their phones, trying to figure out who Malcolm 10 is.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB_TNL3HpTcZ1nfhCOfJ3lHzhakkjhGK_MCtyev05qrM32HPcARQi41DhV6iZNR3H2P85qN0I8dH53Gtm2Em7thdqQF_qyjoSxsfN7Nho_TFIg8kmqsKqKr_T8Y04ImPju6njqKQ/s1600/malcolm+x.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB_TNL3HpTcZ1nfhCOfJ3lHzhakkjhGK_MCtyev05qrM32HPcARQi41DhV6iZNR3H2P85qN0I8dH53Gtm2Em7thdqQF_qyjoSxsfN7Nho_TFIg8kmqsKqKr_T8Y04ImPju6njqKQ/s320/malcolm+x.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Let's Petition For A "People Who Are Homeless Plaza" Even Though The City Would Probably Post a Sign There Which Says "Plaza Closes At Dusk, No Sleeping On Benches,"</div>
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Witz</div>
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*If you replace "People With AIDS" with another group, it definitely sounds uncomfortable. "The Jews Plaza." "Hispanics Place." "Native-American Square." It's like the city's saying, "Yep, that's where you go. You're welcome." BUT, none of those are actually offensive or racist or prejudiced in any way. They're just...really straightforward and ill-conceived.</div>
<br />Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-66935638207465601202012-12-05T12:36:00.005-08:002012-12-05T12:37:11.967-08:00Witz Pickz: Reynolds Parchment Paper <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiry9IV2ksRr5kga2iepwfy_Zc0iq5jLB2tBTE8av05xHEdO7rYbCkQOT_Fk9p8S9P6uG3eyK5sd2CZQFwq7iP_ZCex0s2TiDQESmoU1SK7tugoUfBz8Nmm3IMd8fKmSZ8hLTEDoA/s1600/parchment+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiry9IV2ksRr5kga2iepwfy_Zc0iq5jLB2tBTE8av05xHEdO7rYbCkQOT_Fk9p8S9P6uG3eyK5sd2CZQFwq7iP_ZCex0s2TiDQESmoU1SK7tugoUfBz8Nmm3IMd8fKmSZ8hLTEDoA/s320/parchment+1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Parchment paper. I don't know what it is. I don't know how its magic works. What I know is that you can put it in an oven and it won't burn up and that my Great-Grandma was pretty into it--and for those two reasons I'm on board with it. Well, apparently, not enough people feel the same way, because Reynolds is attempting to bulk up their parchment paper sales via a terrible commercial. I looked for it online, but I guess it didn't go viral, so I'll just have to describe what happens:<br />
<br />
A woman is baking gingerbread men. Apparently, she didn't put any oil or spray on the baking sheets because when she goes to spatula one off, the head sticks to the pan and breaks off from the body. The next thing we see is this woman's pre-teen daughter holding the body of the gingerbread man, which the woman still took the time to dress up with frosting. Her crappy daughter takes a look at the cookie and proceeds to feed it to the dog, who also looks uninterested. Time to teach your daughter about being happy with what they have, right? NOPE!<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj__WnC51_-arGEzA1ZDIUnbM3E5w2QP6QdVTUB-YSy6EW5ueNWQGjKbDEARyvRpkbXEOC7ccX25lBcoRaVfhnNGLZaRcnXJQ4jY-MeVZ6RRGfnarTzRf1K35GRftOiZWeZyHrcFg/s1600/gingerbread+man.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj__WnC51_-arGEzA1ZDIUnbM3E5w2QP6QdVTUB-YSy6EW5ueNWQGjKbDEARyvRpkbXEOC7ccX25lBcoRaVfhnNGLZaRcnXJQ4jY-MeVZ6RRGfnarTzRf1K35GRftOiZWeZyHrcFg/s200/gingerbread+man.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
The next shot is of the woman scraping the entire two sheets of cookies directly into a trash bag. It's not entirely unlike those <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7OHG7tHrNM" target="_blank">"Crying Indian" litter PSAs from the '70s</a>.* Bare minimum fifty g-men are mauled and tossed away. Now, I'm only thirty and don't have any kids, so maybe I just haven't experienced the omni-present day-to-day shattering of one's mind and spirit which comes from being a long-time spouse and parent, but I would eat those cookies. Even if my disappointing child wouldn't touch them, I'd be like, "Alright, whatever, (fuck you), more for us."<br />
<br />
Maybe, and I mean MAAAAYBE, she doesn't want to eat the cookies herself for some reason, but how about asking her husband (while we don't meet a husband, I'm assuming the people pushing parchment paper at Reynolds aren't also pushing any kind of progressive household) if he'll eat the cookies before throwing them all out? My only conclusion is that she has a terrible marriage and a terrible life and the only thing she has left is waiting for her husband to come home so she can show him the bag of discarded body parts and say, "This. This is my life. I'm leaving."<br />
<br />
ME: And then she just throws out all of the gingerbread men!<br />
EM-DASH: That's bullshit.<br />
ME: I know--<br />
EM-DASH: --Everyone knows you can just glue the heads back on with frosting.**<br />
<br />
Now get ready, because this is where PARCHMENT PAPER comes in! The woman proceeds to bake an ENTIRE NEW BATCH of cookies, this time placing the parchment paper down on the baking sheets first. They come out GREAT! Their heads are INTACT! Her horrific shit-princess of a daughter delights in the eating of the gingerbread man. And here's where I would differ from this TV mom: after biting off the head of the g-man, the cookie looks identical to the broken one from earlier. One bite. In the commercial, the mom is psyched that her child is happy. In my world, I would take that opportunity to lay into my hellscape of a daughter, question her intelligence, break her down emotionally, and then tell her that no matter how good the cookies turn out, there's still no Santa Claus and her nose is always gonna be that big (my child <i>will</i> be genetically doomed nose-wise, that's just a fact). Then, her mom will start yelling at <i>me</i>, as well she should. So, yeah, I'm not ready for kids.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>(You think telling a kid there's no Santa Claus is tough, try tellin' an adult there's no Jesus!)</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And yet, possibly the saddest moment in the whole commercial comes at the very end when they show the product with the information, "Look for Reynolds Parchment Paper next to Reynolds Aluminum Foil Wrap in your local grocery store." Their product is so obscure at this point and is selling so badly that they have to explain where it might be in the store. Soup never had that problem. Campbell's is never like, "Look for it next to the broth at your local supermarket!" Everybody knows where the soup aisle is. <br />
<br />
Your Move Wax Paper,<br />
Witz <br />
<br />
*About those. Yeah, the Native-American had a tear rolling from his eye, but am I the only one who thinks he had a lot of other things going on? Litter is bad, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7OHG7tHrNM" target="_blank">but in this PSA</a>, the guy rows his canoe through industrial waste, parks it on the beach, walks up the hill to see an endless landscape of cars and white people who stole the land he loved and destroyed the heritage he embodied. So, while I'm sure the littering wasn't ideal, I'm guessing a single blanket is enough to trigger some tears for everything and everyone he has lost.<br />
<br />
**And that, ladies and gents, is why we're getting married. <br />
<br />Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-50320755892565633412012-11-02T11:31:00.001-07:002012-11-02T13:47:59.417-07:00Witz Pickz: The Post-Hurricane Lifestyle<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja5umRpV1aitxHT0Y7fxtky8363ICVcU6-8SaHeUjdKd8_SpTV3ujO_nyafbvRjFlHJlbsZE9P-1mOnu0pxkie-rJjE1rDE8eop7WN7tbyEZPgTPMMYErqPcY-21mM7RWxguZJRw/s1600/Sandy-sandy-cohen-5914509-500-281.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja5umRpV1aitxHT0Y7fxtky8363ICVcU6-8SaHeUjdKd8_SpTV3ujO_nyafbvRjFlHJlbsZE9P-1mOnu0pxkie-rJjE1rDE8eop7WN7tbyEZPgTPMMYErqPcY-21mM7RWxguZJRw/s400/Sandy-sandy-cohen-5914509-500-281.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>("They named it Hurricane WHAT??")</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I was one of the incredibly fortunate people whose home was almost entirely unaffected by Hurricane Sandy. We never lost power, nothing in our neighborhood flooded, and the local stores began reopening 24-48 hours after the storm. However, with the subway closed and with power out around most of Manhattan, most people I know have either gotten time off or have been working from home, and have been going a little stir crazy from being inside and isolated for so long. This made me realize something: I've been living a post-hurricane lifestyle for months now.<br />
<br />
Most days, I don't commute to work, I eat more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches than my sanity would appreciate, and the most talking I do during the day is to an unblinking rabbit with a flagrant crack-level addiction to golden raisins. So, as the seasoned veteran, I thought I would offer some suggestions on how to occupy yourself until you can escape your neighborhood and return to your usual routine:<br />
<br />
<b>GO TO THE GYM: </b><br />
I've always found that when I'm not working to maintain my finances, going to the gym at least makes me feel like I'm maintaining SOMETHING. It also helps maintain Not Being Sad and Alone Forever. People seem to be gravitating this direction already, as the gym has been looking like the first week of January, when for 5-7 days every year Resolutionists flail like terrified gazelles on the ellipticals, push weights mightily towards and away from their bodies, and yoga the shit out of their ligaments before remembering that it sucks to do all of that stuff.<br />
<br />
My tip to you is to try making up stories about why you're doing the different exercises. Maybe you're trying to bench-press your own body weight so that when your eight identical evil clones fall from the sky onto you, you can throw them off. Maybe you're not running redundantly on a treadmill, but steadily chasing that semi-attractive girl or guy on the treadmill in front of you. And using that ab crunch machine is never not gonna look like you're straining to make your head reach your crotch. Them's just the facts.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<b>WATCH MOVIES AT MOVIE2K.TO (NSFW because of ads):</b><br />
After a few days, you're going to get bored and while Netflix boasts all the under-the-radar gems you never saw from 1987, you are going to need an alternate entertainment source. Movie2k.to allows you to answer that question, "Under what circumstances would I watch 'Magic Mike'?" and gives you complete justification for watching, "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "Tower Heist." Keep an eye out for some legitimately good/interesting new movies to watch before they're out on DVD or just because they're free. "Ruby Sparks," "Safety Not Guaranteed," "Something From Nothing: The Art of Rap," "Shut Up and Play the Hits," "The Campaign" (which I can honestly say is 90 minutes of time that will pass...), and lots more. Big smiley faces with teeth = great quality. Buy the HDMI cable on Amazon and hook your laptop up to your TV.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>(BUT NEVER THIS)</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>PLAY GREED:</b><br />
For those of you without power, thanks for making a ridiculous effort to read this and here's a game I was taught recently by my buddy Zopf The Hook. It's called Greed and will keep you sharp for your return to capitalistic society. All you'll need are six dice, paper and a pen, and either the basic remedial math skills you drank/smoked away years ago orrrr a calculator. Take THAT, school!<br />
<br />
"But I don't have six dice!" you say. Yes, you do. Check all those old board games--Parcheesi, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, or the mother-load, Yahtzee. If you don't have those, check old drawers and boxes. I don't know what it is, but something in the universe guarantees that everyone has dice somewhere in their home (it's probably to remind us that everything is up to chance and we have very little control over our fragile, desperate lives).<br />
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>(It's looked down upon to shout "Yahtzee!" while looting the game for dice, but also very fun...)</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Each person rolls all the dice on their turn and earns points. The goal is to get to 10,000 points. I could give you all the rules here, but instead, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greed_%28dice_game%29" target="_blank">just read this Wikipedia article</a>. To make it more fun, add incentive prizes at different point levels, and/or (like everything in life) make it a drinking game.<br />
<br />
<b>VOLUNTEER:</b><br />
Thousands were affected by the Hurricane in much worse ways than you or I, so I would first suggest seriously that people volunteer in their community or help someone in some way, even if that just means letting someone without power crash with you, donating blood, or supporting a small business which lost money during the storm and needs your business to, ironically, stay afloat. Now on to my next-level charitable ideas (read: schemes):<br />
<br />
-Give one homeless person peanut butter, another jelly, and another bread. You've just built a community (or death match).<br />
<br />
-Crash Cab: let people sleep in your car. <br />
<br />
-Rob people taking photos of the devastation and of the people who are working to rebuild. Donate that money to collection funds in those neighborhoods.<br />
<br />
-Can-non Fooder: PVC piping + hairspray + lighter + canned goods = hunger relief. Launch non-perishable canned goods directly into the windows of those in need. <br />
<br />
-Since Halloween was a bust and the subways still aren't fully functional, if you have a car, use it to pick up passengers and drive them where they need to go for free. The twist? Dress you and your car up as the cab and cab driver from "Ghost Dad"! Then you both can be like:<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
I have more ideas, but I've already opened myself up for a lot of scrutiny and lawsuits, so I'm gonna stop there.<br />
<br />
Everything will be back to normal, for better or worse, in the next few weeks, so until then, I hope these few tips make a difference and <a href="http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2012/11/where-rumor-thieves-dressed-con-ed-workers-came/58610/#" target="_blank">if anyone shows up at your door posing as ConEd or Time Warner people</a>, punch them immediately in the face and shut the door. Worst case scenario, they were actually people from ConEd and Time Warner, so they'll understand...<br />
<br />
Our Old Breakfast Lady In High School Was A Greek Woman Named Sandy, and While She Never Destroyed a Coastline, She Got Pretty Worked Up When We Asked For Extra Cheese On Our Breakfast Sandwiches, So I'm Just Saying I GET IT and Also I Miss Breakfast Lady Sandy (and You Should Too),<br />
<br />
Witz Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-16026851183039873102012-08-30T10:36:00.000-07:002012-08-30T10:36:04.013-07:00Witz DOESN'T Pick: Paul Ryan's Playlist<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXx99Vlw38Cxfm-LqD6Uz6gYziSPoWpSUDMp7TFsH6-uBdciWfOb8UvC1o6rNtZIENESzWlaFPs2HqyC2DIDUEt6jKzT-wLfB1ej4_k4ZLtoj3b2VwfncYLZ0RGvkE0aMmsWI8sQ/s1600/paul+ryan+ipod.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="251" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXx99Vlw38Cxfm-LqD6Uz6gYziSPoWpSUDMp7TFsH6-uBdciWfOb8UvC1o6rNtZIENESzWlaFPs2HqyC2DIDUEt6jKzT-wLfB1ej4_k4ZLtoj3b2VwfncYLZ0RGvkE0aMmsWI8sQ/s400/paul+ryan+ipod.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Paul Ryan, seen here listening to "Smug Hits of the '80's"</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"> While
much can (and will) be said about Paul Ryan’s speech at the RNC last night, one
seemingly innocent statement struck me as not only odd and contrived, but
incredibly revealing: </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in;">
<span style="background: white; color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%;">There are the songs on his [Mitt Romney's] iPod, which I’ve heard on the campaign bus
and on many hotel elevators. He actually urged me to play some of these songs
at campaign rallies. I said, “I hope it’s not a deal-breaker Mitt, but my
playlist starts with AC/DC, and ends with Zeppelin.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">WHY DOES
PAUL RYAN’S PLAYLIST END AT “L”?! I mean, if he’s a fan of AC/DC and Led
Zeppelin, he’s surely got some Mötley Crüe or Whitesnake in there, right? What
about Twisted Sister? Are we to believe that Paul Ryan went through his entire
life willing to “take it”? As my friend pointed out, "What kind of monster doesn’t have at least <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">some</i> ABBA mixed in?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Even if
we are to believe that Paul Ryan listens exclusively to metal and hasn’t been
tempted into potentially calling Carly Rae Jepsen, party rocking, or
celebrating within the bounds of America alongside Miley Cyrus, that would make
Paul Ryan a guy <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">who listens exclusively
to metal</i> and is completely out of touch with mainstream America!</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhqUQsXh77CnFOl2t4juV6tSMmBHMNS2GpEKp11qTrln-seYMiQ4c5YewF8IWSgCla6Op5UGaFtI4wr9NB2XpfEgAQtHrwAGnUOSrODqA68y4w5qNF9ZiQn2XGVHdwGZMjhTcevw/s1600/kanye.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhqUQsXh77CnFOl2t4juV6tSMmBHMNS2GpEKp11qTrln-seYMiQ4c5YewF8IWSgCla6Op5UGaFtI4wr9NB2XpfEgAQtHrwAGnUOSrODqA68y4w5qNF9ZiQn2XGVHdwGZMjhTcevw/s400/kanye.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"Paul Ryan hates black music..."</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I don’t
want that kind of guy anywhere near the Presidency. AC/DC and Zeppelin Guy can
DJ my house party, plan a rafting trip, or sell me weed, but I’m not putting him in the White House. Doing that sounds like the plot to an unreleased Pauly
Shore movie from the ‘90’s. You know what doesn’t scream “Starting a war for no
legitimate reason?” Bon Iver. The Head and the Heart. Taylor Swift. Mix it up,
is all I’m sayin’. We get that you want to sound like a youthful badass, but </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">you already look like the brother
of the T-1000</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">. Stop
trying so hard; you’re freaking us all out. Besides, if I’m going to vote based
on someone’s appreciation of Black Sabbath, then Chuck Klosterman is a much
more appealing candidate.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMbZ-McH8TrRMhO3sHvHxpYOt0rM-NqkLySRzaFs2STUM6cmHCbn1OAg3yaLI1N5GDI4BfJaRdvdp4_C7rWqS2zrI9abeS7c-gATM-oRLwO8LVboVLlSg8vlJTgeZmCnFypRbChw/s1600/T-2012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="165" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMbZ-McH8TrRMhO3sHvHxpYOt0rM-NqkLySRzaFs2STUM6cmHCbn1OAg3yaLI1N5GDI4BfJaRdvdp4_C7rWqS2zrI9abeS7c-gATM-oRLwO8LVboVLlSg8vlJTgeZmCnFypRbChw/s320/T-2012.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">But
enough about Paul Ryan, right? He’s only the Vice-Presidential nominee. What
was it he said about Mitt, again? Oh yeah, that he’s heard Mitt’s music on
hotel elevators. I understand this probably means he listens to a lot of James
Taylor and thoroughly enjoys “The Girl from Ipanema,” but what if Mitt Romney’s
iPod is stocked solely with muzak? Isn’t that something we should know? I’m
pretty sure only sociopaths and the deaf listen to muzak for enjoyment, and it
seems entirely possible that Mitt Romney is so out of touch that he sees muzak
as some kind of higher art form. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">So while
Paul Ryan’s comment was made in jest, he has inadvertently given us a window
into the musical hellscape that is Romney/Ryan 2012. We may never see all of
those tax documents, but for the sake of the American people, please, show us
the iPods.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"> Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Witz </span></div>
Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-22363607311986636652012-08-15T08:54:00.000-07:002012-08-15T09:11:45.210-07:00Witz Pickz: The XXX Olympic GamesWell, the Games of the XXX Olympiad are behind us, and while Vin Diesel never made an appearance (a glaring mistake by NBC during Olympic coverage which was characterized by glaring mistakes), the games did live up to their sexually explicit connotations.<br />
<br />
Women's water polo became a veritable "Where's Waldo" of nip-slips and oops-boobs, while simultaneously proving itself as one of the most bad-ass, intense sports I've ever seen. They don't touch the bottom of the pool the entire time, and then wrestle, smack, and battle during every possession. No wonder various body parts are all, "I'm gettin' outta here!"<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEissqTBkHo62lGUjdAvvPaEjupf4e6-k5dh8d3Cl5X1nw7ovA6AX6SJioFPSK0VIabidBHnhiFdNnPJUfDP_IBs9rCcXRNGLUoxJzjjV4VyDASyvyo1r5M3RTRhSLGuZxSwaqoBsw/s1600/water+polo+boob.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEissqTBkHo62lGUjdAvvPaEjupf4e6-k5dh8d3Cl5X1nw7ovA6AX6SJioFPSK0VIabidBHnhiFdNnPJUfDP_IBs9rCcXRNGLUoxJzjjV4VyDASyvyo1r5M3RTRhSLGuZxSwaqoBsw/s400/water+polo+boob.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Meanwhile, I watched so much of the men's swimming and diving that I can now sketch each competitor's package by memory if one of them goes missing. Did we really need that many torso and crotch shots every race? I get it: swimmers have ripped up abs and their crotches look like a hamster got caught in a water balloon. But it became so prevalent that <a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/jpmoore/the-unnecessary-censorship-of-mens-olympic-di" target="_blank">NBC started inadvertently censoring a small portion of the junk-age</a>:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjfLtVEakBbHNlccJLrTmz1dTM5Aqp2EnT5QTXH7rXLz-0r1UjuhGHbB5nekMu9R8F4gtWJPuwh6x0En_1V71nbWrHmdT2canfCi4HBM5lLqWPXO0VcWAbxiWPSS2cUJ6ZmsSnNA/s1600/diving+censored.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjfLtVEakBbHNlccJLrTmz1dTM5Aqp2EnT5QTXH7rXLz-0r1UjuhGHbB5nekMu9R8F4gtWJPuwh6x0En_1V71nbWrHmdT2canfCi4HBM5lLqWPXO0VcWAbxiWPSS2cUJ6ZmsSnNA/s400/diving+censored.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Synchronized divers kept, "entering at the same time," while basketball announcers talked incessantly about, "double penetration," and even, "triple penetration," which, frankly, I don't understand in either--oh, nevermind, yes I do--gross. (How do you even get into synchronized diving? Are you just like, "Man, I like diving, but I'd feel a lot more comfortable if someone else was next to me doing the exact same thing at the exact same time."?) Not to be outdone, the swimming announcers were praising the athletes for their, "long, smooth strokes," how well they were, "working their hips," and how they knew, "not to go for it too soon." <br />
<br />
Tennis had all the moaning and grunting covered, and if my future child ever inquires what those noises coming from Mommy and Daddy's room last night were, I'm going to tell them we were throwing a shot put. I will then reiterate that there's no throwing a ball in the house and that they shouldn't throw shot put until they are in love or if it will advance their career. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrRkohAb3Du2FOIGM8dYhmZoJ_0l_iQmT176NLMlPEqN2qE9Qhvjcwjuo6ZTY_v1VerOGL5jQjj3e344INDjGe1KHoYXE9KaVCIVgHctLov9OgwaOsispMuQ5S0ngFmyGhM1bKVA/s1600/sync+diving+splash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrRkohAb3Du2FOIGM8dYhmZoJ_0l_iQmT176NLMlPEqN2qE9Qhvjcwjuo6ZTY_v1VerOGL5jQjj3e344INDjGe1KHoYXE9KaVCIVgHctLov9OgwaOsispMuQ5S0ngFmyGhM1bKVA/s400/sync+diving+splash.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(Oh man, when one makes a bigger splash than the other, don't you just want to throw up on something beautiful?)</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This all makes sense. If you think about it, the Olympics are really just sports porn: the best amateur athletes in the world, competing against each other for two weeks while the rest of us voyeurs watch, occasionally commenting, "I had no idea I'd be into that," or, "I think I'd like to try that sometime." I mean, they used to compete completely naked back when these things started, which had to be both awkward and somewhat exhilarating for the archers and marksmen. I'll tell ya one thing though, they didn't have any "was it/wasn't it" erection controversies back then*:<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHbwefQuMd1177ORgF3Q2ruk0jDRl3lHo1jkCstxKRVyghXIClYDsYFeQxyNLe0vQxX-ExfTEkeD7jKstTOvaG5SSijgY-uaJHlgUF9b5ZBFV6LrNK69DZXR6moq5pssfOhHUMaw/s1600/rower+erection.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHbwefQuMd1177ORgF3Q2ruk0jDRl3lHo1jkCstxKRVyghXIClYDsYFeQxyNLe0vQxX-ExfTEkeD7jKstTOvaG5SSijgY-uaJHlgUF9b5ZBFV6LrNK69DZXR6moq5pssfOhHUMaw/s320/rower+erection.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">("Bronze medal! I just went from 6 to 10:30...")</td></tr>
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So, overall, I deem the XXX Summer Olympics a success. The US brought home the most gold and overall medals with 49 (104 overall), while China finished in second with 38 (88 overall). Ordinarily, I would say that the medal count doesn't matter, but this time it's huge because we need that gold to pay back some of our debt to China. We finished first, they finished second, but China's going home with 87 gold medals. So until the winter of 2014, we bid the Olympics adieu and can now return to our American bubble, where Vin Diesel keeps doing things in a quick and angry manner and our best athletic nudity comes when <a href="http://www.wwtdd.com/2012/08/katy-perry-lost-her-bikini-everyone-saw-her-ass/katy_perry_loses_her_bikini_naked_ass_raging_waters_august_12_2012_15/" target="_blank">Katy Perry goes on a water slide</a>. "...and the hoooooooome of thaaaa braaaaaaaaaaave!"<br />
<br />
There Are People Better At Badminton Than I Will Ever Be At Anything In My Entire Life,<br />
Witz<br />
<br />
*How horrible for Henrik Rummel. The guy wins a bronze medal in the goddamn Olympics, which he has worked years to achieve, and the entire media goes, "Okay, okay--but IS YOUR PENIS ERECT??" And the weird thing is, instead of being like, "Yeah it is. I have a lot of training in that department, too," he replied, "No. I swear it's not erect!" I mean, if that's true, then congrats sir, but your canoe should have been disqualified for having an extra oar.Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-60432185010461479422012-05-30T07:00:00.000-07:002012-05-30T09:00:45.568-07:00Witz Pickz: "Girls"I like <i>Girls</i>. That's not some unsolicited, overcompensating statement of heterosexuality--I'm not a conservative running for political office. I mean the HBO show <i>Girls</i>, which has had plenty of its own controversy since the season began a couple of months ago. But despite all the criticism and my predisposition towards hating it, it turns out I really like the show. Remember when I actually used to PICK things on this blog? Before I just started rattling off my tales of shame and embarrassment? Well, here we go:<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCZfQfN09uFBd9r5hKqk22vV7XtplweG4tYB_IqqHyrj7GgWVBxE85_cNe_YvjTsNcuooZm08HAN_U0_i7hbST7kjr0J9tgubyY1UvUZ-p6KUz1E4zyUAzQWfBK0iGhxzs0UOW_w/s1600/lena+dunham.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCZfQfN09uFBd9r5hKqk22vV7XtplweG4tYB_IqqHyrj7GgWVBxE85_cNe_YvjTsNcuooZm08HAN_U0_i7hbST7kjr0J9tgubyY1UvUZ-p6KUz1E4zyUAzQWfBK0iGhxzs0UOW_w/s200/lena+dunham.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>(Lena always kinda looks like she washed her hair with soap)</i></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i> </i></td></tr>
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When you first hear about <i>Girls</i>, your automatic rage-jealousy-hatred response should kick in; that's to alert you that you still have unfulfilled hopes and dreams of your own. If it doesn't, you have no business reading this blog and should probably go spend your time on Etsy, admiring how creative and unique all we human snowflakes can be. <i>Girls</i> is written, and directed, and acted in by Lena Dunham, the 26 year old daughter of a wealthy NYC family whose incredibly uneventful film <i>Tiny Furniture</i> launched the incredibly similar HBO series thanks to Judd Apatow & co. <br />
<br />
Both projects are unabashedly upper-class Caucasian accounts of being very well off and not knowing what to do with your life after college. Almost all of the actors/actresses are the children of famous rich people like Brian Williams who Lena knows. Each episode is satirical and self-effacing, vaguely (if not directly) annoying, and generally unnecessary. Even things that I would ordinarily be in favor of, like nudity and promoting/showing off body types that AREN'T the cultural ideal are so prevalent and overwrought that they come off as redundant and forced. Not to mention, all of the girls are non-charismatic anti-heroes who we've all seen before. And yet, somehow, going against every fiber of my being, I really like watching it.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS7yg3-1NYY-swgGtZRRH7ApX6EfAy1rT6kthKIsPardSlh4zmHSFt_E8e5mtcE6iK6NnqAbekVLmCgWdmuwknlTVunBtIor9mSIaJz1BgZXgOvyjBV7Ysf_EQ0Orffh8-Mjoalg/s1600/allison-williams-and-finn-dagger-earrings-gallery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS7yg3-1NYY-swgGtZRRH7ApX6EfAy1rT6kthKIsPardSlh4zmHSFt_E8e5mtcE6iK6NnqAbekVLmCgWdmuwknlTVunBtIor9mSIaJz1BgZXgOvyjBV7Ysf_EQ0Orffh8-Mjoalg/s320/allison-williams-and-finn-dagger-earrings-gallery.jpg" width="217" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(If I were dating Allison Williams, I'd call her boobs "The Nightly News")</i></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I think a large part of my interest and enjoyment is that despite the trappings mentioned above, Lena Dunham seems to be a genuinely amusing girl. She comes off as being quick-witted, intelligent, and fun to hang out with in real life. She's making fun of herself and those like her, alongside the people who come from the background she's mocking, and yet it works. The dialogue is snappy and well written. The jokes are funny. And hey, eventually, one of the actually attractive girls has got to get naked, right? But the best part of <i>Girls</i>, as far as I'm concerned, is the guy.<br />
<br />
Lena's character's booty callin' boyfriend, Adam, is an ego-maniacal, bipolar maelstrom of douchebaggery and emotional support intertwined with overtly demeaning sexuality and casual emotional abuse. I feel the same way about him as I do about my friends' dog, Fred. I don't like his actions, but I do like him.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDC5qgu9rCqC4JZj_QOqi0-WqmkgIolpQQ5qArEhAPg0wV_bu0NgqP_b7G35O3h3RNwFHwlzbREXzqqOx-FIGnv-d8_8Pok6u91u12yPRmSnljCYmcLoYDwa18ok6axMoG2dIqHQ/s1600/fred.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="148" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDC5qgu9rCqC4JZj_QOqi0-WqmkgIolpQQ5qArEhAPg0wV_bu0NgqP_b7G35O3h3RNwFHwlzbREXzqqOx-FIGnv-d8_8Pok6u91u12yPRmSnljCYmcLoYDwa18ok6axMoG2dIqHQ/s200/fred.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
Because, despite his actions, Adam is the best character on the show. When he talks, he's hilarious and often insightful. Unlike the girls, he's not a stereotype, and it's impossible to quite pin down who the hell he is and what the hell it is he does. Beyond that, he acts as a mirror for the girls, revealing their own selfishness and ignorance/naivety. My way too expensive, incredibly unnecessary English degree wants me to compare him to a Shakespearean jester, but I won't, because what difference does that make? So, fuck that noise. I'll simply say that each episode I've liked his character more and more, especially after the most recent episode (5/27).<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi84LIz1Xdtya9jA1nSm9_pwTUwxBf9UkxZVWstu3hXd_bqGUsa3g-7xUf-VRBoZLJfNbUsRhTIAS-aqXTfDsTt_1nIK8cauvZHI8YKufQ_xHblsV7FBoX-Bo9IV6L56X7Dj6MlNg/s1600/zach-braff-quote-of-the-day-6-26-07.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi84LIz1Xdtya9jA1nSm9_pwTUwxBf9UkxZVWstu3hXd_bqGUsa3g-7xUf-VRBoZLJfNbUsRhTIAS-aqXTfDsTt_1nIK8cauvZHI8YKufQ_xHblsV7FBoX-Bo9IV6L56X7Dj6MlNg/s200/zach-braff-quote-of-the-day-6-26-07.jpg" width="156" /></a>Every time I hear someone say <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/culturebox/2012/04/lena_dunham_s_girls_on_hbo_a_voice_of_a_generation_.html">Lena Dunham is "the voice of her generation,"*</a> I want to have a trained Vengeance Monkey rip their face off and remind them that the people she represents is a very, very small portion of people having what the twittiot twipsters have tagged #whitepeopleproblems; I imagine Zach Braff strung out in some cabin in New Jersey, crying softly, holding a dead rat dressed up as Natalie Portman, and mumbling, "What about me?" over and over; I want to say that <i>Girls</i> is a terrible show about rich, self-involved, lazy white girls. But I just can't do it, and I know that come Monday, I'll be sitting down to enjoy the next episode (<i>Girls</i> is on Sunday nights, but I'm no rich white girl--I watch that shit on my parents' xfinity.tv account online...attached to my projector with an HDMI cable...which I watch on the huge bare wall of my Brooklyn apartment....because I'm keepin' it real.)<br />
<br />
Deep, Slightly Nasal Voice of My Generation,<br />
Witz<br />
<br />
*Like in this excruciating, premature gush-piece, where-in the author believes that after one movie and a TV series replicating the themes, style, and characters of that movie, Lena should and will join the household name pantheon of Spike Lee, Woody Allen, and Martin FUCKING Scorsese. I hope this writer Troy Pattersen grew up near a power plant or prenatally consumed water from a stream near some fracking project, because I'm going to need him to have more than two eyes for me to stab.<br />
<br />Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-52889771060361142482012-05-10T10:39:00.001-07:002012-05-10T10:46:31.938-07:00Witz DOESN'T Pick: The Great Brain Deuce of 2012Infrequently, but more and more often as I've gotten older, my brain will decide to take a break and just tell the other guy he's in charge. The problem is that there is no other guy, so when this happens, I'm essentially brain-dead for the duration.<br />
<br />
This has happened in little ways like never noticing I've written "you're" instead of "your" no matter how many times I re-read something, or opening the refrigerator door and then standing there helpless while trying to figure out what the hell it was I wanted to get. You know what I'm talking about; these are the little mental blips which people usually refer to as, "brain farts." Well, if that's true, then what I'm about to tell you is the equivalent of my brain pounding a carton of spicy Indian curry, topping it off with a burrito and then going for a run.<br />
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A few weeks ago, I was flying down to Austin for my buddy's wedding. I had booked the flight myself, had my ticket in hand, and had checked it numerous times the day before. I had looked up the flight status online, and when I couldn't retrieve the flight by date/time/airports, I blamed it on the site and searched by flight number. The flight was on-time.<br />
<br />
I was packed, prepared and ready to go to JFK. I left early, caught the train right as I got to the station, and got to JFK with a little under 90 minutes to take-off. "Man, I'm really good at this whole flying thing," I thought, walking over to the baggage kiosk. I looked at the flight board and didn't see my flight. "Uhh, I don't see my flight on the big board there," I told the guys standing nearby. "Am I missing something or what?" They told me to go use the kiosk and see what it said. I typed in my confirmation number and got an error message, "No reservation found." I swiped the credit card I used for the purchase and got the same message.<br />
<br />
"Can I help you with something?" an American Airlines woman asked me. She had a slight southern twang and the usual perky customer service voice which goes up cheerily even when it's delivering bad news.<br />
"Yeah, I can't find my reservation, but I have my ticket right here."<br />
"Okay, well, lemme just see that for a minute...hmmmm...ohhh. Well. You see, the thing here is that you're at JFK right now, okay? Aaand your flight is leaving out of LaGuardia."<br />
<br />
The nice thing about JFK is that the airport code is JFK, so it's very easy to know when that's your departure airport. Which is why I was skeptical when I grabbed my ticket back, looked down at it and saw--"LGA." I could feel my brain landing back in my head, finally relieved of all the coffee and straight Olestra it had consumed. I had somehow convinced myself that I was flying out of JFK and no matter how many times I'd looked at my reservation and ticket, the "LGA" hadn't changed my mind.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbNdVwomD6t7MLH08gLLpu8qazO0mDzglodX41G1399nMQRhAjiBQazlQ6KRODv-Ytjqzlrk-1nS5y5ZkInU706VGEdnv4QZPRXCErUiFbv6xgNMz2Kgi77EGM4KQMGKq7TKirrg/s1600/jfkbw.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbNdVwomD6t7MLH08gLLpu8qazO0mDzglodX41G1399nMQRhAjiBQazlQ6KRODv-Ytjqzlrk-1nS5y5ZkInU706VGEdnv4QZPRXCErUiFbv6xgNMz2Kgi77EGM4KQMGKq7TKirrg/s320/jfkbw.jpg" width="320" /></a>"FUCK."<br />
"Well, sir, you can--"<br />
"FUCK ME. Holy shit. I'm an idiot."<br />
"We do have flights to Dallas we can take a look at."<br />
"How far is LaGuardia from here?"<br />
"15 minutes--"<br />
"50 minutes!?"<br />
"1-5. Fifteen."<br />
"Oh okay, thanks."<br />
"But you see, the problem here is that you need to check a bag and they close the baggage gate 45 minutes prior to the flight." I looked at my watch. 65 minutes to take-off. I took a dramatic pause, looked at the woman and told her:<br />
"I think I can make it."<br />
<br />
I sprinted out the doors with my bags to the lone waiting cab at the departure gate. I jumped in the cab (illegally, you're supposed to wait in line down at arrivals), shouted, "I'm a moron and need to go to LGA!" and with a sidelong glance at the cop cars parked nearby, the guy drove off towards LGA.<br />
<br />
It was clear about 30 seconds into the drive that I'd gotten the only cab driver in NY who cares about speed limits and has an almost admirable loyalty to the lane in which he is driving. And yet, somehow, we managed to get there with 5 minutes to spare for my bags. I sprinted to the baggage kiosk and started rambling to whoever would listen, "I need to check my bags! Wrong airport! What do I do?" I was then told that they close the baggage gates 30 minutes before a domestic flight, so I had plenty of time to wait in line.<br />
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When I got to the front of the line, I was sweaty and my hair was crazy from running. I had adrenaline still pumping through me, and I was shaking a little. On top of that, I was nervous because I wasn't sure my checked bag was under the weight limit AND it contained 3 bottles of expensive alcohol which I wasn't 100% positive I could bring. If I was a movie credit, I'd be, "Guy Who Tried to Bring a Bomb On the Plane." So, naturally, I decided I should come clean:<br />
<br />
"I went to the wrong airport," I blurted out.<br />
"Oh my," the woman replied, not caring at all.<br />
"But I made it!" I said, without any of the correct inflection or meaning.<br />
"You sure did," she said in such a way that for a split second I thought I might be able to get some kind of priority seating for the NEAR-mentally disabled. "You're all set, have a good flight," she concluded and, in shock, I turned and walked away, through security, and onto my flight.<br />
<br />
I'd made it.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, that's not where this story ends. I found that my seat was directly next to one of the engines toward the back of the plane. It turns out that a plane's engine is JUST AS LOUD as you think it should be--so, I had that to look forward to over the next 4 hours as I leaned against the window trying to sleep.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="220.5" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ZKIvFEe9KfE" width="392"></iframe> <br />
<br />
I saw a family of four walking toward my row, talking to each other about seating. The parents were very large and the two children--a boy around 6 and a girl about 8--were very small. The boy said he wanted to sit next to his sister, but the dad said he had to sit in the middle seat with an adult. The dad sat down in my row and I thought my luck was finally changing. But the boy didn't want to sit in the middle, he wanted to sit next to his sister. The mother told him the same thing, but as it turns out, given the choice between your children's safety and just having them shut the fuck up for four hours, the latter is more appealing.<br />
<br />
The very large dad pushed over into the middle seat (and a little of mine) and the very large mom sat next to him. While reaching for his seat-belt, we made eye-contact, which is why a few seconds later, as he got settled, I decided a smart thing to say was:<br />
<br />
"I was hoping your child was going to sit there."<br />
"Excuse me?" he replied. I immediately realized what I'd said. I hadn't even used "kid," which might have been marginally better. I'd said, "child." They're not called kid molesters.<br />
"You know, because they're smaller," I explained, just digging a deeper hole in the shit my brain was producing.<br />
"Uh-huh," the guy replied, and I turned to the window, cutting my losses.<br />
<br />
I sat there, being squished by human poundage on one side, hearing the excruciating roar of the engine on the other, and, just as I thought I might be able to space out to pass the time, my brain suddenly perked up, back in charge, ready for action; like a tiny voice in my head, innocently asking me, "So. What do you want to do now?"<br />
<br />
I Just Hope I Can Always Refer to This As "The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Done,"<br />
WitzWitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-91478721515614175032012-04-06T08:00:00.001-07:002012-04-06T08:00:09.665-07:00Witz Pickz: Same Old BlogI've had a few readers express their concern recently that my new job writing ad copy would somehow alter my blog posts. I understand where they're coming from, but I want to assure everyone that my writing will continue to be the same style and quality that you've come to expect over the years from a Witz Pickz post or even a good pair of Levi's jeans. Now, I know I haven't always been as dependable as the new 2012 Ford F-150, but I'm hoping to post more in the coming months to keep everyone as entertained as M-Dash and I were when we saw <span style="font-style:italic;">21 Jump Street</span> the other day. So sit back, relax, take a sip of that Smirnoff Vodka Cocktail, and enjoy:<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjESePF5Gp06jpQNoozrV-Y7lTvjvAkrfTR7LlSrPFx5A7fU1Rr8fC495eDXWGLB3-VrlLFroIudRMzJW6B1cy-2HBosAOtm1IZ1cH3eLO3smWongvIYOneyil0Z1gmM0MTrTLpew/s1600/smirnoff-vodka-rabbit-small-96701.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 154px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjESePF5Gp06jpQNoozrV-Y7lTvjvAkrfTR7LlSrPFx5A7fU1Rr8fC495eDXWGLB3-VrlLFroIudRMzJW6B1cy-2HBosAOtm1IZ1cH3eLO3smWongvIYOneyil0Z1gmM0MTrTLpew/s200/smirnoff-vodka-rabbit-small-96701.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727295598362400242" /></a><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">(Uhhhhm, either that chick's so drunk she's gonna get boned by her poodle or Smirnoff's new campaign is that you'll get so drunk off their vodka that you'll be bangin' like rabbits. Both seem like a weird direction to take...)</span><br /><br />I was at the grocery store a while back, probably shopping for some Nabisco snack products like Wheat Thins or Triscuits because they're big on flavor but low on fat, when something weird happened. Now, this was Key Food, not some Stop & Shop with every day low prices, so the only reason I was there in the first place was so I could buy something small and get some cash back. I went to pay and was swiping my debit card when the kid behind the counter said, "No cash back." <br /><br />I liked the 1969 Striped Oxford shirt from Gap that he was wearing--it was 100% cotton and available in big and tall sizes--but I still needed my money. "Oh, shit," I said, dismayed. And that's when something unexpected happened. Upon hearing what I said, the woman behind me suddenly declared, "Ohhhhhh, he said a baaad wooooord!" <br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdM2-aCCKLQunvjqKCwGoQCZhvZd6Wrjprr94vj5nELNXMu8fgidDW04-V6zJLveuVhZr1pIpQgJlmtLAKqLz6o-Ae6dNUqpGzzg0FKMmIxjCuDjxFbrGat9O0XT9haX2HZwFefQ/s1600/witz+look.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 144px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdM2-aCCKLQunvjqKCwGoQCZhvZd6Wrjprr94vj5nELNXMu8fgidDW04-V6zJLveuVhZr1pIpQgJlmtLAKqLz6o-Ae6dNUqpGzzg0FKMmIxjCuDjxFbrGat9O0XT9haX2HZwFefQ/s200/witz+look.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727298927439806386" /></a><br />(<span style="font-style:italic;">the look</span>)<br /><br />Astounded, I turned to look at the woman. It was an old lady with a sheepish, child-like smile on her face like when someone does something wrong and gets in trouble with their parents. I gave her a look which could only have meant, "Just how molested were you as a child??" and turned back to the guy at the counter. He smiled at me in a way that said, "Yeah, that lady's batshit crazy, but Miller 64 STILL only has 64 calories*." I nodded, took my bags, and left. <br /><br />A thousand thoughts were running through my head as I left the store: "Why weren't they giving cash back?" "Where should I go to get money now?" "Who was that woman and how does she make it in NY on a daily basis if hearing 'Shit' is enough to get her worked up in a grocery store?" My head felt like it was crowded with <a href="http://io9.com/5893213/hey-email--keep-quiet-and-carry-on">graymail--you know, all those newsletters, daily deals, and social updates you choose to receive</a>? I wished Hotmail was able to organize and manage my thoughts the way its new features handle graymail. <br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlJ_WrLDc8M2LYeqVvXC1WEXG9OkYsVeuOjj3mwsh9Vu89OEzuITu8hbuQXgIEhKfBbh5cNXjzDqPALjSfiyxanZeo-TbjjEh1-9FUmYqxUnj9lpyCX_Y1FK726vc2KRXfebfqyA/s1600/dove+men+care.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 174px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlJ_WrLDc8M2LYeqVvXC1WEXG9OkYsVeuOjj3mwsh9Vu89OEzuITu8hbuQXgIEhKfBbh5cNXjzDqPALjSfiyxanZeo-TbjjEh1-9FUmYqxUnj9lpyCX_Y1FK726vc2KRXfebfqyA/s320/dove+men+care.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727300843141195186" /></a><br />(<span style="font-style:italic;">Nope, that's not what you meant your ad to be.</span>)<br /><br />Overwhelmed, I decided to go back to my apartment. I returned disappointed and without cash, but I felt better when I remembered that Dove Men+Care had me smelling great and feeling clean just like it always did. And that's the same kind of consistency you can continue to expect on Witz Pickz.<br /><br />The New iPad,<br />Witz<br /><br /><br />*I have to credit Roy Shivers for this reference.Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-1428069992641858622012-03-31T09:05:00.015-07:002012-03-31T10:41:12.976-07:00Witz Pickz: "Back-Cuts"<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8UD_0eIl5_zyyA-M98drcxY8K7iBgM6YoyRgPao_1i-0_EWAtHJosAZQCOhLaGyRG0hOC4qKX4ozlozUKkJoNTK4J3Jcrebk0Exmp1qYx1ZIFm2bxPDhgmRcmhwa6WpwqSFpsOQ/s1600/cutting+in+line.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 280px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8UD_0eIl5_zyyA-M98drcxY8K7iBgM6YoyRgPao_1i-0_EWAtHJosAZQCOhLaGyRG0hOC4qKX4ozlozUKkJoNTK4J3Jcrebk0Exmp1qYx1ZIFm2bxPDhgmRcmhwa6WpwqSFpsOQ/s320/cutting+in+line.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5726111689110474706" /></a><br />(<span style="font-style:italic;">Lamest. Book. Ever. Who knew Patty Mayonnaise would grow up to be such a narc?</span>)<br /><br />I was thinking recently about the insane shit we got away with when we were kids that wouldn't fly at all in the real world. Back in elementary school, "cuts" were where it was at. If you knew one person in line, you could roll into the cafeteria, walk up to them in the hot lunch line and say, "Cuts?" and they were all, "Sure." You'd snag the last grilled cheese (along with the three grilled cheeses before that if you were me--kid's gotta eat) and cruise outta there guilt-free, because you weren't the one who let you cut. <br /><br />Occasionally, you'd run into someone who would give you the, "No cuts!" attitude. Then, the conversation went like this:<br /><br />KID 1: Cuts? (We're friends right?)<br />KID 2: No cuts! (No freakin' way! We're not THAT good of friends.)<br />KID 1: ... <br />KID 2: ...<br />KID 1: Back-cuts? (Look, we're 9 1/2 years old, let's be reasonable about this.)<br />KID 2: Yeah, sure. (I don't give a shit about these eraser-eating marker-sniffers behind me, do what you want.)<br />KID 1: Cool.<br /><br />And then you'd just slide behind your buddy, while the rest of the line had to suck it up. If they called you out, all you had to say was, "I got back-cuts!" (I could never have predicted that twenty years later, I would be saying this to explain the physical repercussions of shaving my own back) and they'd shut up. The only recourse was telling a teacher and then you were a tattle-tale and social outcast. Even I knew better than to try that and I was the kid wearing turtlenecks and corduroys to school. So yeah, I was cuttin' like a motherf**ker.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijSpVbs3QEdZLfzV8DejQwDnqrR4tNXxsQiDXrWw-WrQ0e8J4QiivVR2jovFvBszDssDV-lwOgP-_D79jFZESlvwhacwEkKToPg9wScJMj1Yb3F0ZCT8BS9-dt9L61FPJdu-pflg/s1600/no-one-likes-a-tattle-tale.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijSpVbs3QEdZLfzV8DejQwDnqrR4tNXxsQiDXrWw-WrQ0e8J4QiivVR2jovFvBszDssDV-lwOgP-_D79jFZESlvwhacwEkKToPg9wScJMj1Yb3F0ZCT8BS9-dt9L61FPJdu-pflg/s320/no-one-likes-a-tattle-tale.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5726115347785788914" /></a><br /><br />Can you imagine trying to use "back-cuts" as a grown-up, though?? That would be totally unacceptable! People kiiiind of do it when they save a place in line for their buddies who are running late, but that's just generally accepted as how lines work for entertainment or bars. You can't just walk up to someone in line and be all, "Back cuts?" and get away with it--especially in New York. You'd have everyone behind you screaming, "Get to the back of the fucking line, asshole!" because you're a goddamn adult.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtOaIjjz8zMZNuT28ICfNklkCET_-05gW0_5z8lhKeTjT0qDueey2QQFS8_N8rdr5j8FkTUtlyy6pA_y3H5dt4aVEQna2EfXdq8grZJO9UTZJ3PbFKi-ym93BHXLQAmOakQA0Hsg/s1600/wheelchair-jimmy.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 209px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtOaIjjz8zMZNuT28ICfNklkCET_-05gW0_5z8lhKeTjT0qDueey2QQFS8_N8rdr5j8FkTUtlyy6pA_y3H5dt4aVEQna2EfXdq8grZJO9UTZJ3PbFKi-ym93BHXLQAmOakQA0Hsg/s320/wheelchair-jimmy.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5726109946435759330" /></a><br />(<span style="font-style:italic;">The exception to the rule</span>)<br /><br />And I'm glad that's how it is--I'd be one of the people silently fuming at whoever cut or I'd be chiming in with the group if people decided to put them in their place. Every time I'm waiting in traffic to take an exit and watch cars zip up and cut in ahead of me, I wonder about the legality of paintball gun attacks from a moving vehicle and make a mental note to get a baseball bat for my trunk. People who drive like that are worse than Hitler, because at the end of the day, nobody they care about knows they're that douchebag, but when Hitler met people for dinner, everybody still knew he was HITLER.* <br /><br />But I'd be lying if I said that every time there's a long line for a concert, movie, or comedy show, I'm not scanning the hell out of it for any person I've ever hungout with, met, or seen at the gym. And while it might just be in my head, at that moment, I can swear I smell grilled cheese.<br /><br />I'm Not Cutting, I'm Networking!,<br />Witz <br /><br /><br />*Ok, this is an exaggeration. Selfish drivers are not worse than Hitler, but they do believe that they are more important than every single person they pass on the way to getting where they need to go. Can we settle on "Worse than, I dunno, Slobodan Milosevic?"Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-55846314694661943062012-02-26T07:00:00.002-08:002012-02-27T13:32:45.401-08:00Witz Flickz: The 84th Annual Academy Awards<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY-UKeaaTsnReGW1waIvS_IWHyX2QLLe7cTbucp5U-0eh1wqKtQwkhdad_ZoPod_YI6h0TNYc6PXwVnSBANzORn8BipWG15P_Z_p-Pux4PQL-1dt8HBu5Gh6VR7DCxVg9-jqfZ/s1600/The_84th_Academy_Awards.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 226px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY-UKeaaTsnReGW1waIvS_IWHyX2QLLe7cTbucp5U-0eh1wqKtQwkhdad_ZoPod_YI6h0TNYc6PXwVnSBANzORn8BipWG15P_Z_p-Pux4PQL-1dt8HBu5Gh6VR7DCxVg9-jqfZ/s1600/The_84th_Academy_Awards.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />I hate the Oscars. I do--and you probably do, too. It's not a unique perspective. And every year I say I'm not gonna watch, but every year I inevitably find myself bored out of my mind in front of a television for four straight hours, listening to the painfully awkward award introductions and hoping something crazy happens. Would it be so tough to "accidentally" mic Mel Gibson? Is it so much to ask to have ONE of losing nominees mouth, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me!" <br /><br />Every Super Bowl half-time show seems to have some sort of scandal, but you put hundreds of ego-maniacs in a room vying for prizes and NOTHING?? The best we ever get is the mandatory shot of Jack Nicholson smiling drunkenly from behind his shades--a reminder that some wild guys are out there, and eventually Something's Gotta Give--but that's As Good As It Gets...<br /><br />SO, instead of pretending I'm not going to watch this year, I decided to lean into it and keep a running commentary of the 84th Annual Academy Awards. I'm warning you right now, this is going to be as much a reflection of me watching the awards as it is a commentary on what happens, so if you need a verbatim summary, this isn't the place for you and also you're probably wasting your life. <br /><h2>On to the Awards!</h2>6:15 - This is the only pre-show comment I'm gonna make. The NYC affiliate has Oscar coverage by Sandy Kenyon, which sounds ridiculously like a porn name.<br /><br />7:00pm – I thought the show started at 7pm, but it turns out there’s 90 minutes of OFFICIAL Red Carpet Coverage! In an unexpected move which I won't even bother explaining, M-Dash and I spend this time watching season one, episodes two and three of <span style="font-style:italic;">The O.C.</span> instead. The standard has been set for the night.<br /><br />8:30pm - Morgan Freeman kicks off the show. Just to be clear...we're all cool with him banging and marrying his step-granddaughter? Really? We're just gonna let that be a thing that’s ok? Alright...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://cdn.screenrant.com/wp-content/uploads/billy-crstal-2012-oscars.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 270px; height: 150px;" src="http://cdn.screenrant.com/wp-content/uploads/billy-crstal-2012-oscars.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />8:35pm - I immediately regret my decision. Billy Crystal hasn’t had his gchat status set to “busy” in ten years, so, yeah, he was available to host the Oscars. I’ve read that, thanks to <span style="font-style:italic;">The Artist</span>, this year’s Oscars are featuring the history of film (so it’s basically Hollywood celebrating Hollywood while celebrating Hollywood), so I guess having a host who hasn’t been funny or relevant in a decade makes sense. Remind me again why they got rid of Eddie Murphy…<br /><br />8:37pm – Crystal goes through his usual routine: video montage, song and dance, talking to the front row and having them awkwardly reply or shrug. It’s alright, but feels more like an impersonation of what he used to do than something new and well-done. He makes fun of Jonah Hill for losing weight, which is weird coming from a dude who looks just like Wooly Willy:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.ultimatekeychains.com/ProductImages/basicfun/371.gif"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 220px;" src="http://www.ultimatekeychains.com/ProductImages/basicfun/371.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />8:40 - Tom Hanks gives out the first award, and with his haircut and new beard, he looks like one of those Nazis who hid out in South America. <strong>Achievement in Cinematography goes to Hugo</strong> and this guy who looks like Kenny Rogers immediately sets the bar for quotes of the night by telling some dude in the crowd to, "Stick it in there all the way." (???)<br /><br />8:50pm - There's a McDonald's commercial where this teenage girl is lookin' at some teenage guy and eating fries while saying, "He loves me, he loves me not," after each bite. I'll tell ya what, girl, it doesn't matter what you end up with--high school's rough and if you keep eating all those fries, he's gonna love you not.<br /><br />8:53pm - And now, scenes from movies!<br /><br />8:54pm - <span style="font-weight:bold;">Costume Design</span> goes to <span style="font-style:italic;">The Artist</span>. I didn't know the guy from Guess Who got into film!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0EDz-Lpl05Q37-YBJGHsBdpaCqSTddCi19rhkXQ7W1ra9Z5oP5D4bnk1I9Ve_L7O5DcHs1Atz__4zWJ_1OywOBjaPzEi2sMXX3yXe5P5u1wOtJLIoYbbf9UUM2DQHLxE2LfVpsw/s1600/Guess+Who.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 121px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0EDz-Lpl05Q37-YBJGHsBdpaCqSTddCi19rhkXQ7W1ra9Z5oP5D4bnk1I9Ve_L7O5DcHs1Atz__4zWJ_1OywOBjaPzEi2sMXX3yXe5P5u1wOtJLIoYbbf9UUM2DQHLxE2LfVpsw/s200/Guess+Who.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5713657452864594978" /></a><br /><br />9:00pm - I looked away for a minute and was like 95% sure that J-Lo's boob popped out, because she and Cameron Diaz were suddenly laughing and saying, "Well, ya take a chance people--hello--ya take a chance!" but after reviewing the footage three times, it turns out that they just thought it would be hi-laaarious if they TURNED AROUND while announcing the winner and--get this--it was NOT. Comedy. Wizards.<br /><br />9:07pm - <em>A Separation</em> wins <span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Foreign Language Film</span>. Soooo, are we cool now, Iran?<br /><br />9:10pm - Goddamn it! Billy Crystal practically begged Christian Bale to make a scene, but instead he just sticks it to us by talking and reminding everyone that he's British.<br /><br />9:12pm - Octavia Spencer wins B<span style="font-weight:bold;">est Supporting Actress</span> for <span style="font-style:italic;">The Help</span> even though her role didn't include handling a herd of puppies or pretending to have food poisoning. I guess I just don't know what the Academy wants, anymore... <br /><br />9:17pm - Well, "Miracle Whip: Keep an Open Mouth" is a thing.<br /><br />9:22pm - Bradley Cooper looks just like Jean Dujardin. They have the same expressions. It bothered me the whole time I was watching <span style="font-style:italic;">The Artist</span>. I thought, "He's like a poor man's Bradley Cooper!" and then I thought, "Wait, that can't be right..."<br /><br />9:23pm - And the <span style="font-weight:bold;">Award for Best Editing</span> goes to: me, for skipping over these awards that no one cares about.<br /><br />9:35pm - Cirque du Soleil performs and it's easily better than any of the Best Picture nominees. One guy misses a move and gets a foot up his ass, but it's still pretty amazing. Though, if the Academy really wanted to impress me, they should have gotten The Book of Mormon tickets. <br /><br />9:42pm - <span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Documentary</span> - YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!! <span style="font-style:italic;">UNDEFEATED</span>! Sure, it might have been the only documentary I saw of the nominees, but it's also GREAT. Aaaaand, they forgot to thank the kids who they documented. C'mon guys. That's the type of stuff that loses games.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.esquire.com/cm/esquire/images/IN/esq-coach-bill-courtney-021512-lg.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 340px; height: 194px;" src="http://www.esquire.com/cm/esquire/images/IN/esq-coach-bill-courtney-021512-lg.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />(<span style="font-style:italic;">The closest thing to Friday Night Lights that reality has to offer...except for the actual kids who Friday Night Lights was based on...</span>)<br /><br />9:45pm - Chris Rock kills it with his intro for <span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Animated Film</span>. He also reminds me that I really want to get into voice-acting and get paid bank to talk every now and then. Anyway, I'm rootin' for <span style="font-style:italic;">Rango</span> for my buddy, Turbo, at ILM.<br /><br />9:47pm - BOOM. <span style="font-style:italic;">RANGO</span>. Take THAT people who thought it was awkward that three dudes went and saw <span style="font-style:italic;">Rango</span> in a theater full of little kids, especially when the movie was over and one of us had to go to the bathroom so the other two had to stand by the bathroom while lots of children walked by and their parents gave us suspicious looks! Best Animated Film.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/429122_904355836887_39603754_38887941_684953574_n.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 310px; height: 115px;" src="http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/429122_904355836887_39603754_38887941_684953574_n.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />9:54pm - Is Ben Stiller like...3 feet tall? Best Visual Effects should go to whomever makes Ben Stiller not look like a tiny little ape-man in all his movies.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/02/27/article-2106986-11EE1FDB000005DC-445_470x423.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 235px; height: 212px;" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/02/27/article-2106986-11EE1FDB000005DC-445_470x423.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />9:56pm - <span style="font-style:italic;">Hugo</span> wins for Visual Effects. It's gonna be awkward when everyone who worked on <span style="font-style:italic;">Hugo</span> has an Oscar except for Martin Scorcese. <br /><br />9:58pm - <span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Supporting Actor</span>. Holy shit--Nick Nolte looks like a boulder with a drinking problem. Christopher Plummer's favored like a billion to one on every gambling site, which are actually the same odds that Jonah Hill has a career now that he's skinny. Plummer wins.<br /><br />10:19pm - So, the entire theme of the Oscars tonight seems to be, "<span style="font-style:italic;">The Artist</span> is going to win Best Picture." It's almost awkward. <br /><br />10:23pm - Speaking of which, now's as good a time as any to rant about Best Picture. I saw six of the nine nominees (yeah, ask me if I saw <span style="font-style:italic;">War Horse)</span>, and it's insane that <span style="font-style:italic;">Drive</span> wasn't nominated for most of the major categories. I'm not saying that Ryan Gosling should win best actor--I mean, the guy barely talks the entire movie, so how could that win, right?? BUT, <span style="font-style:italic;">Drive</span> should easily have been nominated and potentially even have won for Best Cinematography, Sound Design, Score, Screenplay, Director, and Best Picture.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOtO-ynN8JtDLsc6cjywj-i4IeLgbgwr0ssynDFKX4hgOuCLTITtP6E6X98UFtmOEYVvBkpdZa0RowQoGQKqsbyGAMeZIFf3m9vM_kKTEBCvXRNvIuz7GQ2k4sqwa7TD4OJKcYDw/s1600/Hey+Girl_Oscars.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOtO-ynN8JtDLsc6cjywj-i4IeLgbgwr0ssynDFKX4hgOuCLTITtP6E6X98UFtmOEYVvBkpdZa0RowQoGQKqsbyGAMeZIFf3m9vM_kKTEBCvXRNvIuz7GQ2k4sqwa7TD4OJKcYDw/s320/Hey+Girl_Oscars.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5713923910958777154" /></a><br /><br />10:30pm - <span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Adapted Screenplay</span> goes to <span style="font-style:italic;">The Descendants</span> and <span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Screenplay</span> goes to Woody Allen who isn't there because <span style="font-style:italic;">Midnight in Paris</span> wasn't the best screenplay.<br /><br />10:44pm - Every Animated Short they ever show looks like they were made by a blind person and a squirrel who dropped acid together.<br /><br />10:51pm - <span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Director</span> goes to <span style="font-style:italic;">The Artist</span>. That's all--i just thought you should know. <br /><br />10:58pm - I know it wasn't a joke, but when Alec Baldwin says, "James Earl Jones is one of the greatest actors in American history," sounding like Jack Donaghy, I can't help but laugh.<br /><br />11:09pm - I can't believe Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is still advertising. If I ever get "the blue-box blues," I'm gonna fucking kill myself.<br /><br />11:13pm - <span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Actor</span>. If Jean Dujardins wins, I'm gonna stab a fat baby. All that guy did was run around with exagerrated expressions of happy, sad, angry, and confused. I know there's that whole, "He did it without talking," aspect, but...HE DID IT WITHOUT TALKING. Everyone else had to act and talk.<br /><br />11:18pm - One less fat baby. Jean Dujardins wins--oh! Oh! Now you can talk, huh? He's smiling and you'll never guess what--it looks exactly like when he was "smile-acting." Tap-dancing doesn't make friends.<br /><br />11:24pm - <span style="font-weight:bold;">Best Actress</span>. Meryl Streep wins and starts throwing out sound bytes for her Lifetime Achievement Award montage. They cut to Sandra Bullock because apparently, she's the go-to "Heartfelt Reaction Shot" these days.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media2.onsugar.com/files/2012/02/08/0/192/1922153/ed394207788eb1e3_oscars-2012-red-carpet24.preview/i/Sandra-Bullock-Oscars.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 225px; height: 225px;" src="http://media2.onsugar.com/files/2012/02/08/0/192/1922153/ed394207788eb1e3_oscars-2012-red-carpet24.preview/i/Sandra-Bullock-Oscars.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />(<span style="font-style:italic;">Because she always looks like this, i.e. sad.</span>)<br /><br />11:27pm - Uhhh, is Jack Nicholson dead? He wasn't in the memorial video, but I don't ever remember him missing the Oscars. Who's the next "Old Drunk Icon" gonna be when he's gone? I'd say Nick Nolte, again, but Jack made everyone happy when they saw him and Nolte makes everyone, well, make the Sandra Bullock face.<br /><br />11:33pm - <span style="font-weight:bold;">Best G.D. Picture</span> goes to <span style="font-style:italic;">The Artist</span>. A film about a movie star who has a big ego and is too proud to accept help when he becomes obsolete. BUT none of them talk! And the score sounds like a DVD menu on repeat! And there's a dog! Meh. I'll take a scorpion track jacket over that any day. Seriously, though, where do I get a scorpion track jacket? <br /><br />When Will They Have a Best Outtakes Award?,<br />WitzWitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-28925977813712802922012-02-09T05:38:00.000-08:002012-02-09T06:46:24.351-08:00Witz DOESN'T Pick: Cat BreadingSometimes, I forget why America's going to Hell and then I find out about something like this. I mean, sure, it COULD be because of our greed and selfishness and basic human and civil rights violations, but I'm pretty sure it's because of cat breading. While millions of people are starving around the world, we're stuffing bread on cat heads. Not "in" their "faces," like, "Eat some damn carbs," but literally "on" their "heads" like, "How can I confuse my pet the most without involving my genitals?"<br /><br /><a href="http://www.breadingcats.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/percinbread.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 408px; height: 257px;" src="http://www.breadingcats.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/percinbread.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />I guess I just don't understand how something like this became so big. One person had to have stuck a slice of bread on some cat's face and then told someone about it or posted a picture. Then, someone else did the same thing, and someone else, and someone else, until it reached its tipping point, at which time Malcolm Gladwell shot himself in the face and cat breading became a trend. I can understand "Tebow-ing" and I can sort of understand "planking," but how is it possible that we live in a world where cat breading is a thing AND marijuana is still illegal? It doesn't add up.<br /><br /><iframe width="420" height="236" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/2g4AOW6pFpU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><em>(Yes, lady...you're cat looks like he LOVES cat breading)</em><br /><br />Maybe I'm just mad because I realized that if cat breading is popular, I'm screwed, because nothing I ever do creatively is going to succeed. How is someone supposed to stay motivated when cramming a slice of Wonder Bread on an animal's furry mug is widespread entertainment? And this might just be the beginning. <br /><br /><iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/LoEaUSc4Mjg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><em>(Really? Your cat ate part of the bread before you started filming and you want me to watch your minute-long video, but you couldn't get another piece of bread? So much for artistic integrity...)</em><br /><br />Already, people are making slight adaptations to keep the breading fresh (nailed it): using tortillas, toast, and pita bread. Where does it end? Waffle dogging? Rabbit crepe-ing? Puttin' figs on guinea pigs? How long before PETA becomes involved, and if they do, how long before that gets thrown back in their face and people start PETA breading in retaliation (double nailed it)? The race to the bottom is littered with crusts, but at least we're winning something.* <br /><br />Korea's Like, "Stupid Americans-- They're Breading That Cat All Wrong,"<br />Witz<br /><br />*And we won the SPACE RACE! THE SPACE RACE! We put a man on the moon AND bread on a cat's face. "(I am large, I contain multitudes)" -Walt WhitmanWitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-27322482930554624762012-01-09T08:37:00.000-08:002012-01-09T09:13:19.788-08:00Witz Pickz: Sunday Night Insights<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjVpLgpofdv_sDrO_DrnvcZ_Co5yLcEx-vIjUad8hsKhnasSynZ24Z3nPQfE_3Qx2akvNiQ97gSbKEcNqm0qJWfrmstZTHMOaF9TIudBghm3o1kMRk-tnS-yRuIQ-6-01r_4wR/s1600/ben+roethlisberger+tebowing.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 287px; height: 185px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjVpLgpofdv_sDrO_DrnvcZ_Co5yLcEx-vIjUad8hsKhnasSynZ24Z3nPQfE_3Qx2akvNiQ97gSbKEcNqm0qJWfrmstZTHMOaF9TIudBghm3o1kMRk-tnS-yRuIQ-6-01r_4wR/s1600/ben+roethlisberger+tebowing.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />I learned something new about myself last night while watching the Broncos/Steelers game. I learned that given the choice, I would rather root for a rapist than someone who's super into Jesus. I watched Roethlisberger lumber out there, looking like a douchebag, and still thought, "Yeah...but I really don't want Tebow to win."<br /><br />Maybe it's just thousands of years of genetic paranoia, but I feel like with the rapist, at least I know what I'm getting. I understand what his goals and motivations are, and there's never an awkward moment when he's gonna be like, "Hey, can I talk to you for a minute about becoming a Rapist, too?" It's not that I'm pro-rapist and anti-christian, it's just that whenever God enters the equation, I get a little nervous.<br /><br />Maybe it's because of all the prayer, I mean, why you gotta pray so silently, Tim Tebow? What's he saying that we can't hear? For all we know, Tebow's getting down on one knee after a game and saying, "Thank you for giving me the strength to throw one good pass at the end of the game, especially since defenses have figured out how to protect against the option, and thank you, as always, for not letting them find the body or see into my soul to discover that I'm planning to kill again." I'm not saying that's TRUE, but it's kind of like how we don't think Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990-- it's still POSSIBLE.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8BlFH7ovFrIBki2p16_bjiNNuNQDkUrPkOJFkbRdeFwf_QXgdY_43iSSqCKA9R24FmAXNlynTkIRXpztKR_zZBhh_nyJMNyInYXj7ZrhGx4XfCwRGrRYea1iz2pmesZzKoFUwVA/s1600/Glenn-Beck-a-Rapist-and-Muderer-Som.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 151px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8BlFH7ovFrIBki2p16_bjiNNuNQDkUrPkOJFkbRdeFwf_QXgdY_43iSSqCKA9R24FmAXNlynTkIRXpztKR_zZBhh_nyJMNyInYXj7ZrhGx4XfCwRGrRYea1iz2pmesZzKoFUwVA/s200/Glenn-Beck-a-Rapist-and-Muderer-Som.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5695680803870307298" /></a><br /><br />Here's the other thing: everytime Tebow wins, it's kiiiind of a point for Christianity being right, know what I mean? Jews, Muslims-- they don't have that. It's not like everytime Arizona Cardinals safety Hamza Muhammad Abdullah deflects a pass, people get pumped up about Allah. I had to google "Muslim NFL Players" just to find that guy's name. And anytime the Jews are good at anything people say that they "control" it and turn it into a bad thing. Christians have Tim Tebow and us Jews are still holding onto oil lasting longer than we thought that it would that one time a couple thousand years ago. I mean, Jesus Christ, you see what I'm talking about:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.kare11.com/assetpool/images/120108083935_tebow_broncos_640.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="http://www.kare11.com/assetpool/images/120108083935_tebow_broncos_640.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />So yeah, I guess it's true that I would rather root for The Rapist Ben Roethlisberger to win over The Super Religious Tim Tebow, but if you think about it, Ben Roethlisberger may not have defeated the Broncos last night, but he did beat three rape charges, and that's gotta be way more difficult than anything Tebow's done this year. In the end, who's to say they didn't both have a little help from above...<br /><br />Rooting Against Denver is the New "Tebowing",<br />WitzWitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-8719110353093774052012-01-04T09:29:00.000-08:002012-01-04T11:00:34.980-08:00Witz Pickz: It's 2012, Bitches! Get Some.It's 2012. We're finally here. The year I will turn 30, the year in which Obama can go all Season 4 of The West Wing on some Republican Candidate, and the year the Mayans decided to call it a day on calendar making. With all these potentially catastrophic events looming, it's more important than ever to make New Year's Resolutions and stick to them.<br /><br />Is this the year I decide I'm too old to use toilet paper as kleenex? Is this really the year I'm going to catch up on How I Met Your Mother or was that just a fluke post-holiday Netflix binge? Is this the year I stop wasting time playing useless video games like NCAA Football 2010, even though I've led UConn to two bowl games and a National Championship in the year 2015? "These are the things you can't tell me if we're going to keep dating," M-Dash tells me and I understand why: it's because she doesn't know that UConn is a mediocre football program at best and that I'm very impressive. I explain this to her, but she shakes her head, and I realize it's something deeper.<br /><br /><a href="http://newspaper.li/static/21e92d992c37cbcfed5633bfb07da23c.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 425px; HEIGHT: 340px; CURSOR: hand" border="0" alt="" src="http://newspaper.li/static/21e92d992c37cbcfed5633bfb07da23c.jpg" /></a><br /><em>(This guy gets it.)</em><br /><br />The last post I wrote in 2010 was about <a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2010/12/witz-flix-wall-street-ii-money-never.html">Wall Street 2</a> and the first of 2011 was about <a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2011/01/witz-doesnt-pick-bio-shock-not-game.html">passing out while giving blood</a>. Everyone's written about the trials and tribulations of 2011, but I think those two posts sum up the year just as well. I never wrote about my resolutions like I had <a href="http://witzpickz.blogspot.com/2010/01/witz-pickz-2010-new-years-revolution.html">in previous years</a>, so this is a great place to start for this year's resolutions:<br /><br />1) Write About My Resolutions - CHHHEEEECK! Man, I love lists!<br /><br />2) Write More Posts for You All - I wrote 15 posts in 2011, an all-time low. Now, if you take into account that the number of posts I write is an inverse proportion to my happiness with life, then you might look at this as a good thing. However, nobody ever paid someone to write about their happiness, so I'll see what I can do moving forward.<br /><br />3) Stop Talking About Ideas, Start Doing Them - That's right, no more talk about great ideas like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF9-sEbqDvU">"Cleetus the Penis with Hats On"</a> without some kind of follow through.<br /><br /><a href="http://pageslap.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/marcel-the-shell1.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 389px; height: 202px;" src="http://pageslap.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/marcel-the-shell1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />4) Making this a thing we call the last decade:<br /><br />SISTER: What did they call the 00's, anyway? The zeroes?<br />FRIEND: The oughts.<br />SISTER: What?<br />ME: The oughts; the twenty-oughts; the "twoughts." OH MY GOD, THE TWOUGHTS!<br /><br />5) Get a job that lasts 12 straight months....hahaha, no, I'm kidding, that's stupid. But seriously, somebody hire me to write this shit for money. One of you has to have that power. Don't get me wrong, doing freelance work pays the rent, but utilities and Netflix I pay for with a little job I call, "I Guess I'll Watch You Do That For $100, but I Don't See What the Stuffed Animal Has to Do with Anything or Why I Have to Be Wearing Roller Blades." But, a guy needs his streaming video. And that kids, is How I Met Your Mother.<br /><br />I'm Like Congress, I Have All These Resolutions, But They End Up Stuck in the House,<br />WitzWitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-61391212495720385822011-12-24T07:54:00.001-08:002011-12-24T09:19:23.521-08:00Witz DOESN'T Pick: Facial Recognition Malware"So, how'd your life turn out, man; everything you wanted it to be and more?" he asked while pouring more water into M-Dash's glass.<br /><br />"Absolutely!" I replied, because I assumed he had asked us how our food was and it took my brain a minute to move past the taste of my breakfast sandwich and actually register the question. When I realized what he had asked, I looked up more directly at him and hastily added, "How about yours?" but it was too late and he had walked away. <br /><br /><a href="http://blogs.suntimes.com/scanners/joey1.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 316px; height: 169px;" src="http://blogs.suntimes.com/scanners/joey1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><em>("What an asssshoooole!")</em><br /><br />M-Dash and I looked at each other. "You know that guy?" she asked and I looked over at him walking away. He was wearing a santa hat and waiter uniform, was slightly unshaven, and was moving almost manically around the room, checking on people and and fixing any problems. "I'm good with faces, and I've never seen that guy before in my life," I told her. "If I know him at all, it would have to be from elementary school before we were people." We were eating breakfast at a cafe in my hometown, so this was entirely possible slash my biggest fear about being home. "Well, he sure seems to know YOU!" she said. Indeed.<br /><br />Either way, I was glad I had accidentally lied to the guy and answered, "Absolutely!" First off, it's not like I was gonna tell him, "Strikes and gutters," and really get into the highs and lows of the last decade or so and my current place in life. More importantly, there was a good chance I didn't know him at all, and while he might have been casually inquiring, he looked like the kind of guy who might have found me in the parking lot after the meal, stolen my license, and put a gun to my head; insisting I change my life or he would come back and kill me. Which sounds like a hassle.<br /><br /><a href="http://mspreadbury.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/fight-club-tyler-durden.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 350px; height: 239px;" src="http://mspreadbury.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/fight-club-tyler-durden.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />On the other hand, if he DID know me and had legitimately asked if my life turned out how I wanted, I had just sounded like a massive douche by shouting, "Absolutely!" while not looking at him, and then taking a bite out of my sandwich while allegedly implying, "But I'm not gonna ask you, because you're the guy refilling my water!" Which could also end in a tragic parking lot situation.* Isn't life full of mystery and wonder.<br /><br />We decided to ignore it and keep eating-- he was probably just a chatty cafe water refill guy. And a really good refill guy because he was back around a few minutes later to fill up my glass:<br /><br />"The holidays are great," he began, looking at M-Dash, but clearly talking about me, "you get to see all these people you haven't seen in years," and before I could get out a single confused syllable, he turned and pranced away (if prancing can imply murder-- it was a murder prance). M-Dash and I stared wide-eyed at each other, each as baffled as the other.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.tshirtvortex.net/wp-content/uploads/Worthy-Adversary-Deer-Hunter-Gun-T-Shirt.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 222px; height: 255px;" src="http://www.tshirtvortex.net/wp-content/uploads/Worthy-Adversary-Deer-Hunter-Gun-T-Shirt.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><em>(Murderous Prancer)</em><br /><br />"Oh, he definitely knows you."<br />"That was aggressive, right?"<br />"Yeah, that was weird."<br />"Like, he sounded as though he not only thinks he knows me, but also that we banged..."<br />"...and you never called him back."<br />"Exactly! What the hell is going on??"<br />"Are you sure you don't know him?"<br />"I mean...NO, but I'm sure I didn't BANG HIM!"<br />"Hmmm. Well, ask him!"<br />"I'm gonna!"<br />"Do it!"<br />"I will!"<br /><br />I absolutely didn't ask him. He was zipping around the room, rushing into the back, and the place was packed. He didn't come back to the table and I thought it would be even more awkward to track him down around customers or other employees to ask who he was. I did, however, have this little exchange with M-Dash:<br /><br />"What's the less shitty way of asking this: 'Do I know you? Do you know me? Who are you?"<br />"Just ask, 'Do we know each other?'"<br />"But I know I don't know him."<br />"But you might have known him once he says his name."<br />"But that's not really KNOWING someone."<br />"Babe."<br />"I'm just saying!"<br />"Babe."<br /><br />It's times like that I wish I could throw up on command. "Do I-- do you-- do we-- BLAT!!" Just, splowsh, right on the table. No more questions. Just some kid telling everyone that some guy he knows (who I probably just looked like) youk'd on the table and he had to clean it up. Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. How'd your life turn out? Next time, just find me in the parking lot.<br /><br />Thanks To Facebook and Google I Just Tracked Him Down and Have Never Seen Him Before in My Life; He Was 6 Years Ahead of Me in School, Went to a Different College, and I Don't Recognize His First Name or His Family's Last Name, But That Doesn't Mean He's Not Going to Track Me Down and Murder Me By Accident, Does It???,<br /><br />Witz<br /><br />*"What, like in the back of a Volkswagon?" Anyone?Witzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-75327691600213623742011-11-21T09:08:00.000-08:002011-11-21T09:29:31.041-08:00Witz Flix: Gnomeo and Juliet<a href="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d/kelvinanthony/Movie/GnomeoandJulietPoster.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 442px;" src="http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d1/kelvinanthony/Movie/GnomeoandJulietPoster.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><em>(Somebody threw out their back forcing that pun in there)</em><br /><br />I decided to watch Gnomeo & Juliet because I think I have a responsibility to the parents of America to keep them informed about the films our children are watching, and also because it's only 84 minutes long and I have STD-- uh, "Shit to Do," (so much for that abbreviation). Using my advanced powers of deduction, I've gleaned that the movie is like Romeo & Juliet, only it's about garden gnomes...I just... ::sadly shaking head:: ...alright, let's do this thing...<br /><br />2 min: The Montagues and the Capulets live next door to each other in modern day suburbia. They hate each other, but the elderly man and woman apparently haven't figured out a way to not leave for work at the exact same second every day. I've avoided roommates for months while living under the same roof, which makes me think these two old people are one viewing of "Up" away from making out while crying.<br /><br />4 min: Each yard has a bunch of gnomes and other figures which come to life once the people leave the house. The Montagues are the "Blues," the Capulets are the "Reds," and the children of America are apparently idiots.<br /><br />5 min: Isn't it weird that they named this kid, "Gnomeo," just because he's a gnome? "We named you after a famous Shakespeare character and then made it a pun!" Isn't that basically the same thing as naming your kid "Blacula?" Almost as baffling is the fact that Gnomeo is voiced by James McAvoy.<br /><br /><a href="http://hwcdn.themoviedb.org/posters/2d6/4bc975bf017a3c57fe0362d6/blacula-mid.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px; height: 380px;" src="http://hwcdn.themoviedb.org/posters/2d6/4bc975bf017a3c57fe0362d6/blacula-mid.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><em>(Not even straightforward racism is this offensive...) </em> <br /><br />6 min: The Blues have a toilet in their yard-- it's unclear if this is important to the plot, but in the neverending argument over which yard is more beautiful, I'd say the one WITHOUT A TOILET IN IT is the clear winner.<br /><br />7 min: Who's gonna break Michael Caine the news that he's in GNOMEO & Juliet? Pretty sure the guy coming off The Dark Knight, Sleuth, Harry Browne, and Inception didn't mean to sign onto this project. <br /><br />8 min: I still don't know who Emily Blunt is, but she's the voice for Juliet. Michael Caine voices her dad.<br /><br />9 min: Gnomeo and the Blues are lawnmower racing Tybalt and the Reds. And just to let us know that not all garden gnomes are lofty British folk, some dumpy southern chick dressed like a porn star farm girl is the one who starts the race.<br /><br />9:30 min: And by "dumpy southern porn star farm girl," I apparently mean, "Dolly Parton"...because she's the voice... <br /><br />10 min: Gnomeo is the Rick Perry of lawnmower racing: at first he looks like he knows what he's doing, but then he's completely out of control and has zero chance of finishing first. Tybalt wins and we reach a major turning point in the film: I realize that Jason Statham is the voice of Tybalt. "Yeah, 'cause like, I want me fans to know I'm, you know, an intellectual, or whateva. It's not all kickin' an' punchin' wif me, init?" <br /><br />Tybalt kicks one of the Blues and retreats to the Red Garden. The Blues freak out and say that something must be done. <br /><br />11 min: "The Red Garden?? No one's ever been in there!" Hee hee hee hee hee...<br /><br />12 min: This movie made 100 million dollars at the box office??? It's gonna be way easier than I thought to get "Mothello," the tale of Othello told in the hilarious world of moths, made. "King Deer?" "Catbeth?" "ANTony and BEEopatra??" <br /><br /><a href="http://www.signis.net/malone/img/wiki_up/bee-movie-poster.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 443px;" src="http://www.signis.net/malone/img/wiki_up/bee-movie-poster.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />13 min: Juliet is super jazzed to go steal some flower for the Red Garden (is Shakespeare actually MORE sexual when set in the world of garden gnomes??), so she dresses up like a ninja and heads off. Gnomeo and Benvolio sneak into the Red Garden. "Great, I love going Commando," Benvolio says....I think it's important to note that this movie is going to be somebody's childhood memory.<br /><br />15 min: Things go awry, but they escape from the garden. Gnomeo ends up in the other neighboring garden where Juliet is going to steal the flower. Also in the garden is...A NEW ELTON JOHN SONG?? I guess what they say about finding things in the absolutely last place you'd ever think to look is true...I'm starting to think all Elton John is doing these days is getting drunk, dressing up like Janet Reno, and pumping out shit songs for children:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.probertencyclopaedia.com/j/Elton%20John.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 275px;" src="http://www.probertencyclopaedia.com/j/Elton%20John.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />17 min: The two fall into some water at which point they realize that they are a Red and a Blue and Juliet runs away. <br /><br />19 min: There's a little mushroom character running around, and all I can think is, "If Gnomeo eats that, he's either gonna get a 1-Up or hiiiigh as a motherfucker!"<br /><br /><a href="http://us.movies1.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/movie_pix/fox_searchlight/super_troopers/_group_photos/andre_vippolis2.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 299px;" src="http://us.movies1.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/movie_pix/fox_searchlight/super_troopers/_group_photos/andre_vippolis2.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><em>("Candy bars!")</em><br /><br />23 min: Ah, shit-- am I the last person to realize this has Democrat/Republican subtext? Is it bad that the first thing I think of when people talk about "red vs. blue" is M&M's??<br /><br />30 min: Extended maniacal laugh joke: still in play after all these years. Tybalt's planning revenge.<br /><br />32 min: Holy shit! Hulk Hogan does the voice-over for a lawnmower commercial-- the Terrafirminator-- in the style of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs">Powerthirst</a>. It's a "weapon of grass destruction." It's ironic that the high point of this movie is probably the low point in Hulk Hogan's career.<br /><br />35 min: Gnomeo and Juliet-- HEY! I JUST GOT IT! THAT'S THE TITLE! Anyway-- they go on a date in the abandoned neighbor's garden and stumble upon a shed. <br /><br />38 min: Oh no. No no no no no no no-- this will not do. A pink lawn flamingo just popped out of the shed and is going all Robin Williams on the two gnomes. He sounds like if Scarface was forced to entertain people on a cruise ship. <br /><br />40 min:<br /><br />GNOMEO: This is crazy, you know that, right? All my life, I was raised to hate the Reds.<br />JULIET: And I was raised to hate the Blues! It will never work.<br />GNOMEO: Well...how do you feel about minorities?<br />JULIET: Hate them!<br />GNOMEO: ME TOO!<br /><br />Some of that was real, some was just pointing out that all garden gnomes are white...<br /><br />42 min: Gnomeo returns to find his mother's prized tree destroyed. She's devestated. It's like, lady, look-- at least you still have your lawn toilet! The Blues demand revenge.<br /><br />43 min: I don't really wanna get into it, but there's a frog who's probably gonna bone Stephen Merchant.<br /><br />44 min: Ya know what I just remembered? EVERYONE'S GONNA DIE AT THE THE END! So, that pepped me up a little. <br /><br />45 min: Gnomeo goes to get revenge, but Juliet sees him and gives him that, "I'm disappointed in you," look. Or, as I've come to call it, "how M-Dash looks at me on weekdays."<br /><br />46 min: Top Five People Who Should Be Made As Gnome Characters:<br />-Gnome Chomsky<br />-Gnomar Garciaparra<br />-Manuel Gnoriega<br />-Gnomer Simpson<br />-Hideo Gnomo<br /><br />48 min: Gnomeo and Juliet meet in the abandoned garden to sort their shit out. They fight for a while and then that horrific Flamingo steps in and explains how he came to be alone in the garden via a montage of his owners getting a divorce and moving away. The truly bizarre part, though, is that they play a song over the montage which I can only describe as Elton John making up a fake Meatloaf song while wasted at a party. <br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxoCiVkzu6I9pCWluf-uFhmS8mY8BFymt_Bt3gegJeKfLQuVvCo0eB5YaiCgNkOZQwI5dVgX7ZhlxKwGS-3HyXyb3VvJiUf68DPP5x-I3DrYc1mqtqAVgWubAKrmAAeN1Gu3GD/s1600/meatloaf.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 450px; height: 337px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxoCiVkzu6I9pCWluf-uFhmS8mY8BFymt_Bt3gegJeKfLQuVvCo0eB5YaiCgNkOZQwI5dVgX7ZhlxKwGS-3HyXyb3VvJiUf68DPP5x-I3DrYc1mqtqAVgWubAKrmAAeN1Gu3GD/s1600/meatloaf.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><em>("Elton did whaaaaaat!?")</em><br /><br />49 min: "You know...other people's hate destroyed my love, and I couldn't do nothing about it. But you, you can," the Flamingo says, which, to be fair, is about as funny as any joke Robin Williams has written in the last ten years, so this other guy they got to do the voice is worth the savings.<br /><br />50 min: The two decide to get married and live in the abandoned garden. They don't get the chance, though, because Benvolio sees them and freaks out, probably because he knows that if they breed, they'll give birth to a moderate.<br /><br /><a href="http://naturallyalise.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/papa-smurf.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 300px;" src="http://naturallyalise.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/papa-smurf.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><em>(Speaking of which, you're telling me that Gargamel will stop at nothing to capture the Smurfs, but he has absolutely no problem with garden gnomes running around? I call bullshit.)</em><br /><br />51 min: Benvolio runs away. Tybalt sees him and breaks off his hat, which is as much like watching a metaphorical circumcision as you think. Gnomeo fights Tybalt, but gives him mercy when he could break him. Tybalt takes the opportunity to try and break Gnomeo, but ends up launching himself in the air against a wall (classic mistake) and shatters into a bunch of pieces. It's unclear why this releases his life essence into the world when GLUE EXISTS, but that's just how it works. <br /><br />54 min: Gnomeo gets knocked into the street by a human and it appears that a passing truck shatters him. Everyone cries and freaks out and heads back to the garden. BUT AS IT TURNS OUT, Gnomeo wasn't smashed, the pieces of clay they saw fell off a passing TEAPOT TRUCK, which is DEFINITELY a REAL THING! <br /><br />57 min: Gnomeo's not out of the shitter yet though, because a dog grabs him and drags him away and then he has to escape and fuck my life, he ends up at a big park where, I think my eyes are bleeding, he gets scooped up by a couple kids and all I can think is:<br /><br />58 min: When the fuck is David gonna ride in on his fox!?<br /><br />59 min: Gnomes are a lot like the Shakers; they have strong beliefs, don't reproduce, and care a whole lot about fragile furniture. (Those of you who have been waiting to fill in "The Shakers Joke" on your Witz Pickz Bingo Boards, you're welcome).<br /><br /><a href="http://www.americanantiquarian.org/Exhibitions/Dance/danceimages/shakerdetail.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 375px; height: 303px;" src="http://www.americanantiquarian.org/Exhibitions/Dance/danceimages/shakerdetail.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><em>(Ummm, did the Shakers invent the Thriller dance??)</em><br /><br />65 min: Benvolio sneaks into the house and orders a Terrafirminator lawnmower and goes to exact revenge on the Reds for Gnomeo's death. Meanwhile, Gnomeo is in the park still, talking to the statue of William Shakespeare about his predicament. Shakespeare says that it reminds him of a story HE wrote, but fails to point out that Gnomeo was clearly named after his main character. How can Gnomeo find out about Romeo & Juliet in a movie parody of that play? I'm pretty sure Stephen Hawking wrote about this shit.<br /><br />67 min: That weird Mushroom I was talking about and the Flamingo find Gnomeo and rush him back to try and stop Benvolio from hurting anyone.<br /><br />72 min: The pinnacle of journalism right here: the lawnmower goes crazy and destroys both of the gardens. Gnomeo reaches Juliet right as the lawnmower attacks. Juliet was glued down so she couldn't run away anymore, so they can't flee. The lawnmower destroys the tower and they are buried. We, like the rest of the gnomes and lawn ornaments, can only watch...wait...and hope that somewhere...in that pile...they are alive. (Take THAT Tom Brokaw!)<br /><br />74 min: Well. It is a dark day indeed. I thought this project had integrity, but as it turns out, Gnomeo & Juliet is nothing more than an unnecessarily satirical kid's movie. They're both alive and everyone else makes up. Given that the only real plot reference to Romeo & Juliet is the forbidden love aspect, I'm pretty convinced that the only reason this movie got made was because someone made a gnome pun. <br /><br />75 min: Somewhere, this conversation happened:<br /><br />WRITER: How do you feel about ending the movie with a big dance sequence?<br />PRODUCER: Will it be set to Elton John's Crocodile Rock?<br />WRITER: Of course it will.<br />PRODUCER: Then, I'm 100% on board.<br />WRITER: Excellent.<br />PRODUCER: How do you feel about making the movie longer so it's not 75 minutes?<br />WRITER: I don't see that happening...<br />PRODUCER: Meh, whatever. We'll get their money again with our next movie.<br />WRITER: Next movie?<br />PRODUCER: Brothel-lo. It's Othello set in a brothel with the main character played by Cee-Lo Green.<br />WRITER: Wow, that's gonna be really offensive.<br />PRODUCER: The man looks like if one of the California Raisins ate all the backup singers.<br />WRITER: Yikes.<br />PRODUCER: That guy looks like if a meatball grew up to be a pedophile.<br />WRITER: Eesh.<br />PRODUCER: Yep.<br /> <br /><a href="http://scoop.diamondgalleries.com/public/news_images/4/49357_108006_2.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 328px; height: 333px;" src="http://scoop.diamondgalleries.com/public/news_images/4/49357_108006_2.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><br />Longest. Travelocity commercial. Ever.<br />WitzWitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24808548.post-57945158542309019462011-11-03T06:00:00.000-07:002011-11-03T06:00:00.855-07:00Witz Pickz: 400th Post (State of the Union)Happy Belated Halloween! Originally, M-Dash and I were going to go as witty physical puns of classic Ice Cream Treats, i.e. dressing up as a witch holding a bag of chips (Chipwich) and a traffic cone with a crown on (King Cone). After a series of blank stares convinced us otherwise, we decided to dress up as "People who don't know anyone having a Halloween Party." <br /><br /><a href="http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/filestorage/best-luck-choosing-costume-halloween-ecard-someecards.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 425px; height: 237px;" src="http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/filestorage/best-luck-choosing-costume-halloween-ecard-someecards.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />Which brings me to today's post: my 400th post on Witz Pickz. I decided that I had to do something different for my 400th post, not just rant about how stupid babies are or tell some idiot story about how I get flu-like symptoms whenever I eat garlic. I decided I needed to do a State of the Union-- a brief round up of where we are after 400 posts:<br /><br /><a href="http://jeffwhiteside.com/images/stateoftheblog.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px; height: 250px;" src="http://jeffwhiteside.com/images/stateoftheblog.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />• I've written 400 blog posts since March 26, 2006, and last I saw, earned $28.37 through Google AdWords, an amount I lauded as being, "Enough to purchase a pizza." When I recently checked again, I found that Google has seemingly erased all money earned and closed down the account. Google owes me a pizza.<br /><br />• It is currently "Anytober," according to Subway, which is offering ANY Subway sub for five dollars in October. Unless Subway is pushing to nickname sandwiches "tobers," along with "hero," "grinder," "hoagie," and "sub," this is completely unacceptable. It's the laziest marketing since Jared got fat again and stopped doing Subway commercials. <br /><br /><a href="http://subwaycouponsguide.com/wp-content/uploads/subway%20coupons%20printable%20october%202011.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 180px; height: 172px;" src="http://subwaycouponsguide.com/wp-content/uploads/subway%20coupons%20printable%20october%202011.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />• Herman Cain is a "legitimate" Republican Presidential Candidate. This is made worse by the fact that I couldn't decide whether to use his name in that joke or Michele Bachmann's.<br /><br />• I've started drinking an inordinate number of smoothies.<br /><br />• Not to brag, but my credit card says I have an "outstanding balance." <br /><br />• I posted that last line as my Facebook status last week and got more "likes" and comments than on any of my blog posts. Ever. <br /><br />• The Earth's population hit 7 billion and I hate everyone.<br /><br />• I invested money in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvjkDIbxcAY">SodaStream</a>-- a company which sells home carbonation kits so people can turn REGULAR WATER into SPARKLING WATER, a product which costs roughly eighty-nine cents to buy ANYWHERE...<br /><br /><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/c3/Sodastream_logo.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 224px; height: 144px;" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/c3/Sodastream_logo.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />• I would describe my smoothie intake as, "One per day."<br /><br />• Mounds bars and Almond Joy bars cost exactly the same amount. This would lead me to believe that dark chocolate costs more to produce than milk chocolate by roughly the value of two almonds.<br /><br />• Children in sweatshops are better at making shoes than I am at anything I'll ever try to do.<br /><br />• I've started leaving the light off when I pee, just to add a little excitement to my days. <br /><br />• I don't even drink seltzer. I think it's gross.<br /><br />• Walmart brought back layaway. Either this is legitimate and sad or Walmart's been asked to secretly compile a, "People who should just kill themselves" list. If you can't afford to buy a shitty blender up front, you shouldn't be shopping in the first place.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.impactlab.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Headache-puppy-does-not-approve-234.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 373px; height: 247px;" src="http://www.impactlab.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Headache-puppy-does-not-approve-234.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><em>(Even cute puppies are like, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!?")</em><br /><br />• I make these smoothies myself, using a combination of frozen fruit, yogurt, almond milk, and my own tears.<br /><br />• Don't let anyone say I never wrote a Mounds Bar joke.<br /><br />• Ted Wilson Reviews the World is a thing that exists. It's at The Rumpus and it's awful. Just miserable. Like Witz Pickz, this guy reviews anything he can think of, only his schtick appears to be that he's intentionally uninformed and super not funny. It's made worse by the fact that his column's title doesn't include any kind of rhyme or consonance. While I wasn't a fan of <a href="http://maloureview.com/">The Malou Review</a>, I was forced to respect the segment for its obvious end-rhyme driven premise. Malou had no choice but to get into reviews, kung-fu, or BBQ. This Ted guy should be pursuing meds, breads, or sheds. The final straw came when I posted a negative, but constructive comment on one of his reviews, and he moderated it into oblivion. This obviously means that Ted Wilson is my new sworn enemy, especially now that Andy Rooney has been defeated.<br /><br />• I've started posting "negative, but constructive" comments on the internet...<br /><br /><a href="http://i.huffpost.com/gen/164984/thumbs/s-ANDY-ROONEY-large.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 260px; height: 190px;" src="http://i.huffpost.com/gen/164984/thumbs/s-ANDY-ROONEY-large.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><em>(Andy Rooney looks like he chose the wrong chalice from the Temple of the Grail...This guy complains about pronunciation for 30 years and Steve Jobs dies at 56? "He chose poorly.")</em><br /><br />I think that pretty much sums up where I'm at after 400 posts. Not yet rich and famous, but also not buying microwaves on layaway at Walmart. Ya win some, ya lose some. Strikes and gutters. The important thing is that you all are still reading, hopefully still laughing, and nobody's sued me yet. <br /><br />And By "Not Yet Rich" I Mean I Literally Have Not Earned Any Money,<br />WitzWitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12311390167032611194noreply@blogger.com4