Witz Pickz

Witz Pickz: Sunday Night Insights

2012-01-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

I learned something new about myself last night while watching the Broncos/Steelers game. I learned that given the choice, I would rather root for a rapist than someone who's super into Jesus. I watched Roethlisberger lumber out there, looking like a douchebag, and still thought, "Yeah...but I really don't want Tebow to win."

Maybe it's just thousands of years of genetic paranoia, but I feel like with the rapist, at least I know what I'm getting. I understand what his goals and motivations are, and there's never an awkward moment when he's gonna be like, "Hey, can I talk to you for a minute about becoming a Rapist, too?" It's not that I'm pro-rapist and anti-christian, it's just that whenever God enters the equation, I get a little nervous.

Maybe it's because of all the prayer, I mean, why you gotta pray so silently, Tim Tebow? What's he saying that we can't hear? For all we know, Tebow's getting down on one knee after a game and saying, "Thank you for giving me the strength to throw one good pass at the end of the game, especially since defenses have figured out how to protect against the option, and thank you, as always, for not letting them find the body or see into my soul to discover that I'm planning to kill again." I'm not saying that's TRUE, but it's kind of like how we don't think Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990-- it's still POSSIBLE.

Here's the other thing: everytime Tebow wins, it's kiiiind of a point for Christianity being right, know what I mean? Jews, Muslims-- they don't have that. It's not like everytime Arizona Cardinals safety Hamza Muhammad Abdullah deflects a pass, people get pumped up about Allah. I had to google "Muslim NFL Players" just to find that guy's name. And anytime the Jews are good at anything people say that they "control" it and turn it into a bad thing. Christians have Tim Tebow and us Jews are still holding onto oil lasting longer than we thought that it would that one time a couple thousand years ago. I mean, Jesus Christ, you see what I'm talking about:

So yeah, I guess it's true that I would rather root for The Rapist Ben Roethlisberger to win over The Super Religious Tim Tebow, but if you think about it, Ben Roethlisberger may not have defeated the Broncos last night, but he did beat three rape charges, and that's gotta be way more difficult than anything Tebow's done this year. In the end, who's to say they didn't both have a little help from above...

Rooting Against Denver is the New "Tebowing",
Witz

Witz Pickz: It's 2012, Bitches! Get Some.

2012-01-04T09:29:00.000-08:00

It's 2012. We're finally here. The year I will turn 30, the year in which Obama can go all Season 4 of The West Wing on some Republican Candidate, and the year the Mayans decided to call it a day on calendar making. With all these potentially catastrophic events looming, it's more important than ever to make New Year's Resolutions and stick to them.

Is this the year I decide I'm too old to use toilet paper as kleenex? Is this really the year I'm going to catch up on How I Met Your Mother or was that just a fluke post-holiday Netflix binge? Is this the year I stop wasting time playing useless video games like NCAA Football 2010, even though I've led UConn to two bowl games and a National Championship in the year 2015? "These are the things you can't tell me if we're going to keep dating," M-Dash tells me and I understand why: it's because she doesn't know that UConn is a mediocre football program at best and that I'm very impressive. I explain this to her, but she shakes her head, and I realize it's something deeper.

(This guy gets it.)

The last post I wrote in 2010 was about Wall Street 2 and the first of 2011 was about passing out while giving blood. Everyone's written about the trials and tribulations of 2011, but I think those two posts sum up the year just as well. I never wrote about my resolutions like I had in previous years, so this is a great place to start for this year's resolutions:

1) Write About My Resolutions - CHHHEEEECK! Man, I love lists!

2) Write More Posts for You All - I wrote 15 posts in 2011, an all-time low. Now, if you take into account that the number of posts I write is an inverse proportion to my happiness with life, then you might look at this as a good thing. However, nobody ever paid someone to write about their happiness, so I'll see what I can do moving forward.

3) Stop Talking About Ideas, Start Doing Them - That's right, no more talk about great ideas like "Cleetus the Penis with Hats On" without some kind of follow through.

4) Making this a thing we call the last decade:

SISTER: What did they call the 00's, anyway? The zeroes?
FRIEND: The oughts.
SISTER: What?
ME: The oughts; the twenty-oughts; the "twoughts." OH MY GOD, THE TWOUGHTS!

5) Get a job that lasts 12 straight months....hahaha, no, I'm kidding, that's stupid. But seriously, somebody hire me to write this shit for money. One of you has to have that power. Don't get me wrong, doing freelance work pays the rent, but utilities and Netflix I pay for with a little job I call, "I Guess I'll Watch You Do That For $100, but I Don't See What the Stuffed Animal Has to Do with Anything or Why I Have to Be Wearing Roller Blades." But, a guy needs his streaming video. And that kids, is How I Met Your Mother.

I'm Like Congress, I Have All These Resolutions, But They End Up Stuck in the House,
Witz

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Facial Recognition Malware

2011-12-24T07:54:00.001-08:00

"So, how'd your life turn out, man; everything you wanted it to be and more?" he asked while pouring more water into M-Dash's glass.

"Absolutely!" I replied, because I assumed he had asked us how our food was and it took my brain a minute to move past the taste of my breakfast sandwich and actually register the question. When I realized what he had asked, I looked up more directly at him and hastily added, "How about yours?" but it was too late and he had walked away.

("What an asssshoooole!")

M-Dash and I looked at each other. "You know that guy?" she asked and I looked over at him walking away. He was wearing a santa hat and waiter uniform, was slightly unshaven, and was moving almost manically around the room, checking on people and and fixing any problems. "I'm good with faces, and I've never seen that guy before in my life," I told her. "If I know him at all, it would have to be from elementary school before we were people." We were eating breakfast at a cafe in my hometown, so this was entirely possible slash my biggest fear about being home. "Well, he sure seems to know YOU!" she said. Indeed.

Either way, I was glad I had accidentally lied to the guy and answered, "Absolutely!" First off, it's not like I was gonna tell him, "Strikes and gutters," and really get into the highs and lows of the last decade or so and my current place in life. More importantly, there was a good chance I didn't know him at all, and while he might have been casually inquiring, he looked like the kind of guy who might have found me in the parking lot after the meal, stolen my license, and put a gun to my head; insisting I change my life or he would come back and kill me. Which sounds like a hassle.

On the other hand, if he DID know me and had legitimately asked if my life turned out how I wanted, I had just sounded like a massive douche by shouting, "Absolutely!" while not looking at him, and then taking a bite out of my sandwich while allegedly implying, "But I'm not gonna ask you, because you're the guy refilling my water!" Which could also end in a tragic parking lot situation.* Isn't life full of mystery and wonder.

We decided to ignore it and keep eating-- he was probably just a chatty cafe water refill guy. And a really good refill guy because he was back around a few minutes later to fill up my glass:

"The holidays are great," he began, looking at M-Dash, but clearly talking about me, "you get to see all these people you haven't seen in years," and before I could get out a single confused syllable, he turned and pranced away (if prancing can imply murder-- it was a murder prance). M-Dash and I stared wide-eyed at each other, each as baffled as the other.

(Murderous Prancer)

"Oh, he definitely knows you."
"That was aggressive, right?"
"Yeah, that was weird."
"Like, he sounded as though he not only thinks he knows me, but also that we banged..."
"...and you never called him back."
"Exactly! What the hell is going on??"
"Are you sure you don't know him?"
"I mean...NO, but I'm sure I didn't BANG HIM!"
"Hmmm. Well, ask him!"
"I'm gonna!"
"Do it!"
"I will!"

I absolutely didn't ask him. He was zipping around the room, rushing into the back, and the place was packed. He didn't come back to the table and I thought it would be even more awkward to track him down around customers or other employees to ask who he was. I did, however, have this little exchange with M-Dash:

"What's the less shitty way of asking this: 'Do I know you? Do you know me? Who are you?"
"Just ask, 'Do we know each other?'"
"But I know I don't know him."
"But you might have known him once he says his name."
"But that's not really KNOWING someone."
"Babe."
"I'm just saying!"
"Babe."

It's times like that I wish I could throw up on command. "Do I-- do you-- do we-- BLAT!!" Just, splowsh, right on the table. No more questions. Just some kid telling everyone that some guy he knows (who I probably just looked like) youk'd on the table and he had to clean it up. Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. How'd your life turn out? Next time, just find me in the parking lot.

Thanks To Facebook and Google I Just Tracked Him Down and Have Never Seen Him Before in My Life; He Was 6 Years Ahead of Me in School, Went to a Different College, and I Don't Recognize His First Name or His Family's Last Name, But That Doesn't Mean He's Not Going to Track Me Down and Murder Me By Accident, Does It???,

Witz

*"What, like in the back of a Volkswagon?" Anyone?

Witz Flix: Gnomeo and Juliet

2011-11-21T09:08:00.000-08:00

(Somebody threw out their back forcing that pun in there)

I decided to watch Gnomeo & Juliet because I think I have a responsibility to the parents of America to keep them informed about the films our children are watching, and also because it's only 84 minutes long and I have STD-- uh, "Shit to Do," (so much for that abbreviation). Using my advanced powers of deduction, I've gleaned that the movie is like Romeo & Juliet, only it's about garden gnomes...I just... ::sadly shaking head:: ...alright, let's do this thing...

2 min: The Montagues and the Capulets live next door to each other in modern day suburbia. They hate each other, but the elderly man and woman apparently haven't figured out a way to not leave for work at the exact same second every day. I've avoided roommates for months while living under the same roof, which makes me think these two old people are one viewing of "Up" away from making out while crying.

4 min: Each yard has a bunch of gnomes and other figures which come to life once the people leave the house. The Montagues are the "Blues," the Capulets are the "Reds," and the children of America are apparently idiots.

5 min: Isn't it weird that they named this kid, "Gnomeo," just because he's a gnome? "We named you after a famous Shakespeare character and then made it a pun!" Isn't that basically the same thing as naming your kid "Blacula?" Almost as baffling is the fact that Gnomeo is voiced by James McAvoy.

(Not even straightforward racism is this offensive...)

6 min: The Blues have a toilet in their yard-- it's unclear if this is important to the plot, but in the neverending argument over which yard is more beautiful, I'd say the one WITHOUT A TOILET IN IT is the clear winner.

7 min: Who's gonna break Michael Caine the news that he's in GNOMEO & Juliet? Pretty sure the guy coming off The Dark Knight, Sleuth, Harry Browne, and Inception didn't mean to sign onto this project.

8 min: I still don't know who Emily Blunt is, but she's the voice for Juliet. Michael Caine voices her dad.

9 min: Gnomeo and the Blues are lawnmower racing Tybalt and the Reds. And just to let us know that not all garden gnomes are lofty British folk, some dumpy southern chick dressed like a porn star farm girl is the one who starts the race.

9:30 min: And by "dumpy southern porn star farm girl," I apparently mean, "Dolly Parton"...because she's the voice...

10 min: Gnomeo is the Rick Perry of lawnmower racing: at first he looks like he knows what he's doing, but then he's completely out of control and has zero chance of finishing first. Tybalt wins and we reach a major turning point in the film: I realize that Jason Statham is the voice of Tybalt. "Yeah, 'cause like, I want me fans to know I'm, you know, an intellectual, or whateva. It's not all kickin' an' punchin' wif me, init?"

Tybalt kicks one of the Blues and retreats to the Red Garden. The Blues freak out and say that something must be done.

11 min: "The Red Garden?? No one's ever been in there!" Hee hee hee hee hee...

12 min: This movie made 100 million dollars at the box office??? It's gonna be way easier than I thought to get "Mothello," the tale of Othello told in the hilarious world of moths, made. "King Deer?" "Catbeth?" "ANTony and BEEopatra??"

13 min: Juliet is super jazzed to go steal some flower for the Red Garden (is Shakespeare actually MORE sexual when set in the world of garden gnomes??), so she dresses up like a ninja and heads off. Gnomeo and Benvolio sneak into the Red Garden. "Great, I love going Commando," Benvolio says....I think it's important to note that this movie is going to be somebody's childhood memory.

15 min: Things go awry, but they escape from the garden. Gnomeo ends up in the other neighboring garden where Juliet is going to steal the flower. Also in the garden is...A NEW ELTON JOHN SONG?? I guess what they say about finding things in the absolutely last place you'd ever think to look is true...I'm starting to think all Elton John is doing these days is getting drunk, dressing up like Janet Reno, and pumping out shit songs for children:

17 min: The two fall into some water at which point they realize that they are a Red and a Blue and Juliet runs away.

19 min: There's a little mushroom character running around, and all I can think is, "If Gnomeo eats that, he's either gonna get a 1-Up or hiiiigh as a motherfucker!"

("Candy bars!")

23 min: Ah, shit-- am I the last person to realize this has Democrat/Republican subtext? Is it bad that the first thing I think of when people talk about "red vs. blue" is M&M's??

30 min: Extended maniacal laugh joke: still in play after all these years. Tybalt's planning revenge.

32 min: Holy shit! Hulk Hogan does the voice-over for a lawnmower commercial-- the Terrafirminator-- in the style of Powerthirst. It's a "weapon of grass destruction." It's ironic that the high point of this movie is probably the low point in Hulk Hogan's career.

35 min: Gnomeo and Juliet-- HEY! I JUST GOT IT! THAT'S THE TITLE! Anyway-- they go on a date in the abandoned neighbor's garden and stumble upon a shed.

38 min: Oh no. No no no no no no no-- this will not do. A pink lawn flamingo just popped out of the shed and is going all Robin Williams on the two gnomes. He sounds like if Scarface was forced to entertain people on a cruise ship.

40 min:

GNOMEO: This is crazy, you know that, right? All my life, I was raised to hate the Reds.
JULIET: And I was raised to hate the Blues! It will never work.
GNOMEO: Well...how do you feel about minorities?
JULIET: Hate them!
GNOMEO: ME TOO!

Some of that was real, some was just pointing out that all garden gnomes are white...

42 min: Gnomeo returns to find his mother's prized tree destroyed. She's devestated. It's like, lady, look-- at least you still have your lawn toilet! The Blues demand revenge.

43 min: I don't really wanna get into it, but there's a frog who's probably gonna bone Stephen Merchant.

44 min: Ya know what I just remembered? EVERYONE'S GONNA DIE AT THE THE END! So, that pepped me up a little.

45 min: Gnomeo goes to get revenge, but Juliet sees him and gives him that, "I'm disappointed in you," look. Or, as I've come to call it, "how M-Dash looks at me on weekdays."

46 min: Top Five People Who Should Be Made As Gnome Characters:
-Gnome Chomsky
-Gnomar Garciaparra
-Manuel Gnoriega
-Gnomer Simpson
-Hideo Gnomo

48 min: Gnomeo and Juliet meet in the abandoned garden to sort their shit out. They fight for a while and then that horrific Flamingo steps in and explains how he came to be alone in the garden via a montage of his owners getting a divorce and moving away. The truly bizarre part, though, is that they play a song over the montage which I can only describe as Elton John making up a fake Meatloaf song while wasted at a party.

("Elton did whaaaaaat!?")

49 min: "You know...other people's hate destroyed my love, and I couldn't do nothing about it. But you, you can," the Flamingo says, which, to be fair, is about as funny as any joke Robin Williams has written in the last ten years, so this other guy they got to do the voice is worth the savings.

50 min: The two decide to get married and live in the abandoned garden. They don't get the chance, though, because Benvolio sees them and freaks out, probably because he knows that if they breed, they'll give birth to a moderate.

(Speaking of which, you're telling me that Gargamel will stop at nothing to capture the Smurfs, but he has absolutely no problem with garden gnomes running around? I call bullshit.)

51 min: Benvolio runs away. Tybalt sees him and breaks off his hat, which is as much like watching a metaphorical circumcision as you think. Gnomeo fights Tybalt, but gives him mercy when he could break him. Tybalt takes the opportunity to try and break Gnomeo, but ends up launching himself in the air against a wall (classic mistake) and shatters into a bunch of pieces. It's unclear why this releases his life essence into the world when GLUE EXISTS, but that's just how it works.

54 min: Gnomeo gets knocked into the street by a human and it appears that a passing truck shatters him. Everyone cries and freaks out and heads back to the garden. BUT AS IT TURNS OUT, Gnomeo wasn't smashed, the pieces of clay they saw fell off a passing TEAPOT TRUCK, which is DEFINITELY a REAL THING!

57 min: Gnomeo's not out of the shitter yet though, because a dog grabs him and drags him away and then he has to escape and fuck my life, he ends up at a big park where, I think my eyes are bleeding, he gets scooped up by a couple kids and all I can think is:

58 min: When the fuck is David gonna ride in on his fox!?

59 min: Gnomes are a lot like the Shakers; they have strong beliefs, don't reproduce, and care a whole lot about fragile furniture. (Those of you who have been waiting to fill in "The Shakers Joke" on your Witz Pickz Bingo Boards, you're welcome).

(Ummm, did the Shakers invent the Thriller dance??)

65 min: Benvolio sneaks into the house and orders a Terrafirminator lawnmower and goes to exact revenge on the Reds for Gnomeo's death. Meanwhile, Gnomeo is in the park still, talking to the statue of William Shakespeare about his predicament. Shakespeare says that it reminds him of a story HE wrote, but fails to point out that Gnomeo was clearly named after his main character. How can Gnomeo find out about Romeo & Juliet in a movie parody of that play? I'm pretty sure Stephen Hawking wrote about this shit.

67 min: That weird Mushroom I was talking about and the Flamingo find Gnomeo and rush him back to try and stop Benvolio from hurting anyone.

72 min: The pinnacle of journalism right here: the lawnmower goes crazy and destroys both of the gardens. Gnomeo reaches Juliet right as the lawnmower attacks. Juliet was glued down so she couldn't run away anymore, so they can't flee. The lawnmower destroys the tower and they are buried. We, like the rest of the gnomes and lawn ornaments, can only watch...wait...and hope that somewhere...in that pile...they are alive. (Take THAT Tom Brokaw!)

74 min: Well. It is a dark day indeed. I thought this project had integrity, but as it turns out, Gnomeo & Juliet is nothing more than an unnecessarily satirical kid's movie. They're both alive and everyone else makes up. Given that the only real plot reference to Romeo & Juliet is the forbidden love aspect, I'm pretty convinced that the only reason this movie got made was because someone made a gnome pun.

75 min: Somewhere, this conversation happened:

WRITER: How do you feel about ending the movie with a big dance sequence?
PRODUCER: Will it be set to Elton John's Crocodile Rock?
WRITER: Of course it will.
PRODUCER: Then, I'm 100% on board.
WRITER: Excellent.
PRODUCER: How do you feel about making the movie longer so it's not 75 minutes?
WRITER: I don't see that happening...
PRODUCER: Meh, whatever. We'll get their money again with our next movie.
WRITER: Next movie?
PRODUCER: Brothel-lo. It's Othello set in a brothel with the main character played by Cee-Lo Green.
WRITER: Wow, that's gonna be really offensive.
PRODUCER: The man looks like if one of the California Raisins ate all the backup singers.
WRITER: Yikes.
PRODUCER: That guy looks like if a meatball grew up to be a pedophile.
WRITER: Eesh.
PRODUCER: Yep.

Longest. Travelocity commercial. Ever.
Witz

Witz Pickz: 400th Post (State of the Union)

2011-11-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Belated Halloween! Originally, M-Dash and I were going to go as witty physical puns of classic Ice Cream Treats, i.e. dressing up as a witch holding a bag of chips (Chipwich) and a traffic cone with a crown on (King Cone). After a series of blank stares convinced us otherwise, we decided to dress up as "People who don't know anyone having a Halloween Party."

Which brings me to today's post: my 400th post on Witz Pickz. I decided that I had to do something different for my 400th post, not just rant about how stupid babies are or tell some idiot story about how I get flu-like symptoms whenever I eat garlic. I decided I needed to do a State of the Union-- a brief round up of where we are after 400 posts:

• I've written 400 blog posts since March 26, 2006, and last I saw, earned $28.37 through Google AdWords, an amount I lauded as being, "Enough to purchase a pizza." When I recently checked again, I found that Google has seemingly erased all money earned and closed down the account. Google owes me a pizza.

• It is currently "Anytober," according to Subway, which is offering ANY Subway sub for five dollars in October. Unless Subway is pushing to nickname sandwiches "tobers," along with "hero," "grinder," "hoagie," and "sub," this is completely unacceptable. It's the laziest marketing since Jared got fat again and stopped doing Subway commercials.

• Herman Cain is a "legitimate" Republican Presidential Candidate. This is made worse by the fact that I couldn't decide whether to use his name in that joke or Michele Bachmann's.

• I've started drinking an inordinate number of smoothies.

• Not to brag, but my credit card says I have an "outstanding balance."

• I posted that last line as my Facebook status last week and got more "likes" and comments than on any of my blog posts. Ever.

• The Earth's population hit 7 billion and I hate everyone.

• I invested money in SodaStream-- a company which sells home carbonation kits so people can turn REGULAR WATER into SPARKLING WATER, a product which costs roughly eighty-nine cents to buy ANYWHERE...

• I would describe my smoothie intake as, "One per day."

• Mounds bars and Almond Joy bars cost exactly the same amount. This would lead me to believe that dark chocolate costs more to produce than milk chocolate by roughly the value of two almonds.

• Children in sweatshops are better at making shoes than I am at anything I'll ever try to do.

• I've started leaving the light off when I pee, just to add a little excitement to my days.

• I don't even drink seltzer. I think it's gross.

• Walmart brought back layaway. Either this is legitimate and sad or Walmart's been asked to secretly compile a, "People who should just kill themselves" list. If you can't afford to buy a shitty blender up front, you shouldn't be shopping in the first place.

(Even cute puppies are like, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!?")

• I make these smoothies myself, using a combination of frozen fruit, yogurt, almond milk, and my own tears.

• Don't let anyone say I never wrote a Mounds Bar joke.

• Ted Wilson Reviews the World is a thing that exists. It's at The Rumpus and it's awful. Just miserable. Like Witz Pickz, this guy reviews anything he can think of, only his schtick appears to be that he's intentionally uninformed and super not funny. It's made worse by the fact that his column's title doesn't include any kind of rhyme or consonance. While I wasn't a fan of The Malou Review, I was forced to respect the segment for its obvious end-rhyme driven premise. Malou had no choice but to get into reviews, kung-fu, or BBQ. This Ted guy should be pursuing meds, breads, or sheds. The final straw came when I posted a negative, but constructive comment on one of his reviews, and he moderated it into oblivion. This obviously means that Ted Wilson is my new sworn enemy, especially now that Andy Rooney has been defeated.

• I've started posting "negative, but constructive" comments on the internet...

(Andy Rooney looks like he chose the wrong chalice from the Temple of the Grail...This guy complains about pronunciation for 30 years and Steve Jobs dies at 56? "He chose poorly.")

I think that pretty much sums up where I'm at after 400 posts. Not yet rich and famous, but also not buying microwaves on layaway at Walmart. Ya win some, ya lose some. Strikes and gutters. The important thing is that you all are still reading, hopefully still laughing, and nobody's sued me yet.

And By "Not Yet Rich" I Mean I Literally Have Not Earned Any Money,
Witz

Witz Flix: Buried

2011-09-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

Finally. 94 uninterrupted minutes with Ryan Reynolds. Because my number one complaint with films starring Ryan Reynolds has always been, "Why are there all of these other people and events between scenes with Ryan Reynolds? Are these really necessary?" From what I understand, Buried is about a guy who is literally buried in a box for the entirety of the movie-- I'm assuming because he was either responsible for splitting Netflix into two sites or for the recent Facebook changes. Let's find out:

3 min: The movie begins and all we hear is breathing and thumping. The screen is completely dark. Right now I'm wondering, "Is there ANY chance that the lights are gonna come on and Owen Wilson is going to be there?"

5 min: A lighter flicks on, revealing Ryan Reynolds: hands bound together, gagged, and kicking at the box he has been buried in. Yeah, that's for "Just Friends," asshole.

(Who are the heroes who nailed that tagline?)

6 min: Oddly, it takes him a minute to realize that his arms aren't tied down, so he's able to take his gag out. It's gotta be a change from his superhero roles, as his newfound power appears to be grunting loudly and shouting, "Help!" to nobody in particular.

8 min: He uses a nail to cut the rope which was binding his hands together. I don't care how clever he is in this movie, he still wasn't smart enough to avoid being in "Blade: Trinity..."

10 min: A phone begins ringing at his feet, so he scrambles and moves it up to his hands, but misses the call. He uses it to call 9-1-1 and tries to explain his situation to the woman. We find out that he was a truck driver who was contracted in Iraq and his group was attacked. The operator sounds particularly skeptical, as if she's thinking, "Suuure, the old buried in a box in Iraq stunt," so he hangs up on her.

12 min: A quick look at the battery reveals about 60% left. Time to start tweeting, bro.

13 min: I wonder if Facebook would consider his status, "Buried in Iraq, help!" a top story...if he dies, it's gonna be because everyone moved over to Google+

17 min: Um, he's on the phone with the FBI in Chicago now, and not to be obvious, but...HOW THE FUCK IS HE GETTING RECEPTION??

("You're calling from where? Uhh, ya know what, I actually can't hear you...")

18 min: He keeps turning his lighter on to look at his cell phone which is already illuminated by its screen. I'm starting to understand how this is the kind of guy who would get himself buried in a coffin in Iraq.

20 min: Hey, when's the other guy, girl, and pizza place gonna get there?

22 min: At least the terrorists gave him the best upside-down-writing-on-wood pen I've ever seen.

24 min: He calls a number which he doesn't recognize in the history and it turns out the be the guys who buried him (awwwwkwaaaard!). They say they want 5 million dollars by 9pm. He explains that he's only a B-List actor masquerading as an A-lister, but they say, "Then how come you were in The Green Lantern?"

25 min: He calls the man a terrorist and the guy says, "What? Because you're terrified, I'm a terrorist?" Uhhhhhh, YYYYUP! Also, the ransom thing. Also, all the murder.

26 min: At some point, bugs, or a spider, or a snake is gonna come into this box, I just know it, and I'm gonna lose my shit.

30 min: Hahahah, he calls someone back in Michigan and she answers, "Hello? Hi, how are you?..........Got you-- I'm not here right now! Leave a message at the beep!" Hilarious women strike again...

32 min: He starts to leave a message and she answers, says she's busy and can't look up a number for him because she just got back from the supermarket. He gets angry and she hangs up on him. He screams, and calls her a, "Dumb fucking cunt!" which would have also been an appropriate response if, oh, I don't know, his boss forced him to marry her so she could keep her green card...

("Weee-oooo, weee-ooo, awesome tagline police: freeze!")

35 min: He talks to a guy named Dan at the State Department who is working on it, but not able to do much. He says that these types of things have happened before and people have been saved. Reynolds asks him to name one and he does: Mark White. Reynolds writes the name on the wood, probably so they can connect on LinkedIn when he gets home.

36 min: The terrorist calls back and says they will accept 1 million dollars, but he has to make a video with his phone and send it to someone. Everyone's gonna be all, "It was ok, but a little too Blair Witch for me..."

38 min: Annoyingly transparent political commentary: Dan says something to the extent of, "These people aren't terrorists. They're just hungry and desperate. Wouldn't you do anything to feed your family in the same situation?" to which Ryan Reynolds replies, "I wouldn't kill someone!" to which the rescue guy says, "But how can you know for sure?" It's like, "Dude! WHY are you taking their side on this? Stop being a dipshit and come get me out of this coffin in Iraq!"

40 min: He finds a bag at his feet with some glow sticks, a flashlight, and a pocket knife. I'm beginning to think he's just at Burning Man.

45 min: He talks with Dan again who's trying his best to find him. Reynolds gives him the terrorist's number from the phone. He then plays Angry Birds. Two battery bars remaining.

50 min: Honestly, it's only been 50 minutes, but I feel like he's been buried for 127 hours...

52 min: He's calling his mom in a nursing home because I'm supposed to care about a b-plot. She has Alzheimer's and says that she's been playing gin rummy with her husband every night. Reynold's replies, "Yeah, um-- I don't think pop's there with you," and follows it up with, "This might be the last time I talk to you." Wow, were you just calling your mom to shatter her fragile world before you died orrrr?

55 min: The terrorist sends him a picture of some woman with a gun to her head. He freaks out and tells them that the woman has two kids and the terrorist tells him to make the video now or she dies, so he does. I gotta say, he seems pretty reluctant to make this video for a guy who had no qualms about making "Waiting."

57 min: GAHHHHHH!! BLEH! YAH! MWUH! MMMMMYUCK! Snake-in-the-box! I knew that shit would happen! To his credit, he doesn't kill himself immediately like I probably would, but does go an interesting route in that he starts a fire in the box using some alcohol and the lighter. The snake leaves, but the box is on fire, so he has to flail around and eventually manages to kick sand on the fire before it gets too big. This guy just likes making things more difficult for himself.

62 min: Ya know what, Van Wilder fans? I'm starting to think there aren't gonna be any tits in this film.

63 min: Back to his phone again-- I mean, talk about a Crackberry, am I right? Anyway, he figures out how to change the language settings to English and is able to figure out his own cell number, which means it can be traced to his exact location. He only has one bar left, and is sent a video of the woman from the picture being shot. He suddenly understands what we've been watching for the last hour and almost kills himself with the pocket knife.

68 min: Easily the number one grunting film of all time. Take out the grunting and this is not a feature length film.

70 min: Explosions sound above him and the boards of the coffin break. Sand is pouring in and given that he still has cell service, I don't understand why he can't just dig upward.

71 min: The contractor's Press/HR guy calls and is interviewing him about his background so he won't sue the company. They inform him that his contract was terminated that morning because of a relationship with his co-worker, the woman who was just shot. He says that they were just friends and he is misinformed, but the guy informs him that, "I'm just a stereotype being used to heighten the drama of the film!" No insurance money if he dies...

75 min: I gotta say, this DOES seem like a fair and proportionate response for Change-Up.

77 min: He keeps wondering why nobody's answering the phone when he calls, but c'mon man, nobody answers the phone anymore when they don't know the number:

"Hey, do you know what 075 area code is?"
"Uhhh, yeah, I think it's Iraq."
"Pfff, eff that, dude, I'm not donating any more money."

78 min: Not a great movie, but easily the best Zippo commercial I've ever seen.

79 min: I wonder when he's gonna try calling Harold & Kumar...

80 min: The guy trying to find him admits that the terrorists have been killed and there's nothing else they can do so it's over-- he's going to die. He makes a video as his last will and testament to send to his family. "Zippo: Lighting Your Horrorscape Until Death Seizes Your Terrified Corpse."

84 min: Ohhhh snap! The phone rings and it turns out that the terrorist is still alive and ups the ante: he wants Ry Rey to cut his finger off or else the terrorists will kill his family in America. He asks if he does this will they let him go, and the terrorist is like, "Definitely, Maybe."

85 min:
ME: Ohhh-ho-ho-ho-ho, I think he's gonna do it!
TERRORISTS: AWWWWW SHEET! He deed it! He cut his own finger off! What a freak!

88 min: Right after he cuts his finger off, Dan calls saying they are almost there to get him. "Cool, I'll be the guy with nine fingers." His wife finally calls him back and he says he's about to be rescued and promises he'll be home soon. The box is filling up with sand and the guy says they're digging and almost there.

94 min: On the phone, Dan and company are digging frantically, while Ryan Reynolds is almost completely buried in sand. I-- oh, hey, "Buried"-- I just got that. Anyway, they're digging and he's shouting and they're digging and he's kicking, and just as the box is about to bury him completely they get to the box and--...it turns out to be a different box with Mark White dead inside. Dan apologizes (to us, I'm assuming), Ryan Reynolds takes a few last breaths, and everything goes black.

Well...I guess it wasn't called, "Almost Buried." Other box, really? I gotta ask, does the "Bury an American in the Sand" trick EVER work because they're at least 0 for 2. How come terrorists always think they can negotiate with the United States? Watch ONE MOVIE...EVER, and you'll know that's not gonna happen. Isn't there a single person who can be like, "Ah, but the problem with that plan is that the US doesn't negotiate with terrorists, kind of for this EXACT reason, so..."

For a not very interesting movie, the ending is actually pretty disturbing. I guess it's because a) I can imagine myself dying horribly that way, but also b) for all the shit I give him, Ryan Reynolds is fairly affable and it's tough to watch him fake die. Couldn't they have just cast Dane Cook instead? They're practically identical and then everyone would have been cheering as the sand poured into his open maw, filling his mouth, so all anyone could hear as the darkness set in would be a muffled, desperate, "Pickles..."

Even More Disturbing Than the End of This Movie: "Untitled Ryan Reynolds/Bradley Cooper Project,"
Witz

Witz Pickz: Sometimes Life Hands You Oreos

2011-09-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I'm not writing, it's because I feel like there is just nothing worth writing about in my life and I don't want to bore you. Other times it's because I suddenly remember the utter futility of life and the weary redundant cycle of waking and eating and working and drinking and sleeping and wasting of time that exists while we all omg wait for our inevitable, meaningless lol deaths....

...but then, just when I think there's nothing left to write about, The Universe smacks me across the face and points as if to say, "Seriously? How are you not seeing this?" and I remember that it's all gonna be alright.

When I woke up on Tuesday morning, the last thing I thought I would be doing was licking an Oreo with Shaquille O'Neal. It's just not one of those things that you count as being in the realm of possibility. So imagine my surprise, when three hours later, I found myself getting paid to lick cream filling with four other teammates while Shaq yelled things like, "lick faster," "drink your milk," and, "there's no crying in Oreo licking!" in our faces. Flash backward a couple hours:

(I can't help but notice that just like the Triple Double cookie, they lined us up as white stuff, chocolate stuff, white stuff, chocolate stuff, white stuff, with Shaq's arms like the big Oreo wafers on either side)

I signed onto a freelance event gig knowing only that it was an Oreo Cookie branding event and that I would be contractually obligated to eat an Oreo; a stipulation which I'll be adding to all of my future contracts.

I showed up and was told to put on a jersey which was a little too small for me and had the letters "DSRL" on the front. A quick peek at The Urban Dictionary and you'll understand why I was somewhat nervous about what was about to happen (I assumed R stood for "red" or "ripe" or "regal."). It was therefore no great comfort when the guy in charge walked in and announced, "Those of you in the jerseys: you're my lickers."

It was then explained to us that we would not, in fact, be starring in a Nabisco themed adult film called, "Fluffernutters," and that DSRL stands for "Double Stuff Racing League." We would be competing as two teams in an Oreo licking contest to promote the new Triple Double Oreo in front of some press. And oh, "Shaquille O'Neal and Venus Williams will be coaching the two teams."

Flash forward to me and my teammates, desperately trying to remove the two layers of double-stuff from between the three chocolate wafers while getting yelled at by the guy from Kazaam. Add an Andrew W.K. sounding song shouting, "D-S-R-L! D-S-R-L!" over and over again and you'll understand why it all felt incredibly surreal.

The thing of it is, I never ever thought I would meet Shaq. Ever. I didn't even really have ambitions to meet him, and it was so unexpected that I wasn't starstruck so much as baffled. At one point he leaned over to me and said, "Man, this song sucks, right?" referring to the DSRL theme, and fighting back the urge to reference his illustrious rap career, I replied, "Yeah...but it's gonna be stuck in your head all day..." which made him laugh. Shaq. This was the man who was on television slamming home points in NBA Championships. This was the guy from NBA Jam; the man responsible for Shaq Fu-- and now this was the guy who had us "bring it in," so, "on three," we could give a team cheer of, "Twist, lick, dunk, eat!"??

There are varying levels of fame: there's the level where you sell products, the level where you have a product named after you, and then there's the top level, where your name is used as a pun on a product. Shaq is so famous that when my family went to Kennebunkport, Maine for vacation, I would order the Chick-quille O'Neal grilled chicken sandwich. And somehow, despite all logic and the probability of a single linear reality, all seven feet and one inch of him was standing behind me with his arm around my shoulder, dunking OREOS, and berrating me to go faster.

As my Oreo incompetence was becoming increasingly apparent, one of my team members finished and our team was declared the winner. We got our pictures taken with Shaq, ate some more Oreos, and were sent on our way, getting paid for the full four hours, despite honestly "working" for about fifteen minutes. Just as quickly as it had started, it was all over, and I couldn't help but wonder if it had all been a dream.

"You have cream on your beard," one of my teammates said.
"What?" I replied.
"Oreo cream, you have some by your mouth," I was told, and putting my hand to my mouth, I came away with a small touch of sugary white stuff.
"Thanks," I said, and smiled at The Universe, assured of the fact that I would write again.

Twisting, Licking, Dunking, and Eating,
Witz

P.S. I think it's a glaring oversight that they used this DSRL song instead of having Shaq redo the lyrics to his song, "Shoot, Pass, Slam." They could have really easily changed it to, "Do you want me to TWIST IT? (YEAH!) Do you want me to LICK IT? (YEAH!!) Do you want me to DUNK IT? (YEAH!!!)"

Witz Pickz: Well, I Guess This Is Growing Up

2011-08-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

My roommates recently moved to Germany (a country best known for its flash-mob style performance of The Holocaust*) for grad school, making way for M-Dash to move in. In the last 24 hours, we've been cleaning, scrubbing, arranging, rearranging, vacuuming, dusting, and fixing the apartment; however, one item in particular has made me realize that I'm getting older:

We bought a new toilet seat. I hadn't thought twice about it in the year and a half I've lived here, but M-Dash pointed out that it had definitely seen better days. Considering the fact that all the toilet seat saw on even the best of days was an ass plummeting downward, I decided she was probably right; so, we went to Lowe's and bought one.

AND I FUCKING LOVE IT. Seriously-- I don't know if it's the fact that I'm about to turn twenty-nine or if I subconsciously see it as a representation of my girlfriend moving in, or what, but I love the shit out of this toilet seat. In fact, I don't even want to shit through it-- I want to do things with it. I want to hangout in the bathtub and quote 30 Rock to each other. I want to make a movie about it, voiced by Donald Sutherland and co-starring Daniel Craig. I want to sit on the tile, give it a cap and gown, and read "Oh, the Places You Will Go," to it. I want to take it day-drinking in Prospect Park and watch the sun gleam off its silver, metal hinges.

I mean, am I going insane or is this just what happens when you get older? A couple years ago, my parents gave me a Cuisinart for Christmas and I knew I'd turned a corner toward adulthood. Is it a toilet seat today, a shower curtain tomorrow, and then a well vacuumed rug bringing me joy the next? Maybe it's a good thing.

Sure, my initial reaction is to walk outside and try to greet an oncoming truck with a hug, but maybe what I really need to be embracing are these simple joys of domestic living. If I'm just as happy about a new toilet seat or a clean rug as I used to be after drinking Red Bull and Vodka until four in the morning, I've saved myself a ton of money and a whole lot of hangovers. On the other hand, it's going to be a tough sell to invite my friends over to stare at my bathroom with me, when I don't even want to come over to see their babies. Either way, at least I'll have my beautiful new roommate with me to figure it all out-- and M-Dash will be there, too.

What Did the Toilet Seat Say to the Butt? There's a Whole Lot Resting On This!,
Witz

*Some people might say that this joke is unfair and that I give Germany a hard time, but think about it: What's Switzerland best known for? Knives and chocolate. What's France best known for? Wine. What's Italy best known for? Their food. What's the United States best known for? Starbucks and McDonald's. What's Germany BEST known for? The Holocaust. That's just how it is.

Witz DOESN'T Pick: New Domino's Commercial

2011-07-25T06:44:00.000-07:00

(Carry out only? But your slogan is, "The Pizza Delivery Experts!")

There's a new Domino's Pizza commercial which has made its way into the rotation on Hulu and on ESPN, which immediately triggered my "Goddamn Idiot" response, which is to say that the first time I saw it, I immediately said out loud, "You're a goddamn idiot." It goes something like this:

"For a limited time, you can get a large, three-topping pizza from Domino's for just 7.99!"

At which point it cuts to a guy making a Domino's pizza, who looks at the camera with an incredulity bordering on anger and says,

"7.99? This pizza is worth at least twice that."
...
...
"You're a goddamn idiot."

First of all, you're a thirty-something dude throwing together pizzas at a fast food pizza chain-- you shouldn't be commenting on the general economics of anything, so shut your stupid face-anus. Secondly, no, it's not. And not simply because your pizza goes through the human digestive tract like it has an hour left to live and my colon is on its bucket list; but because that's not how value works.

Are you suggesting that the ingredients used to make a three-topping large pizza cost Domino's $16+ and the company is actually losing money on each pizza sold? Because as impossible as that is, it's the only logic I can think of which makes any sense. Pizza has no market value. It's not a commodity that can be bought and sold for profit. If I don't buy that pizza, you can't hold onto it and sell it later at a higher cost because it'll be old and disgusting. Nobody has a pizza collection (if you don't count waistlines) because pizza is FOOD. So, no, sir, your pizza isn't worth "at least twice that," it's worth whatever the hell you're able to sell it to me for.

As much as I appreciate unqualified fast food employees arbitrarily assigning a monetary value to perishable goods, please get rid of this ad and bring back the most ridiculous mascot of all time: The Noid.

I Just Wrote 332 Words, But All You're Gonna Remember is "Face-Anus,"
Witz

Bonus Footage:

Oh, and just so I get some hits: "Amy Winehouse drug overdose autopsy dead 27 curse."

Witz Pickz: Federal Jack's

2011-07-21T07:00:00.001-07:00

Federal Jack's is a brew pub in Kennebunkport, Maine-- a quaint as all hell New England town, almost exclusively filled with touristy crap stores and with shops that used to be known as regional bullshit, but are now known as "artisanal." Jewelry stores with starfish necklaces, sweatshirts with "Vacationaland," printed on the front (don't even get me started), and plaques with ill-conceived New England phrases painted on them, such as, "I'm Feeling Soxy." Also, they have fudge, and the fudge is delicious.

Which is why Federal Jack's stands out. They clearly intended to present themselves as the brewery-restaurant of the town where people could get a burger and a freshly brewed beer and have some fun while still wearing their polo shirts. As I started looking around the restaurant and saw the Federal Jack's logo on the walls and on the menu, it became obvious that they had somewhat overshot what they were going for. Here's Federal Jack:

Federal Jack looks like he just raped and pillaged an entire Confederate town. He's toasting a beer with that shit-eating look on his face as if to say, "Hah-hah-hah, I am definitely for slavery, but have no allegiances except to beer and looting!" I'm also pretty sure he's getting blown just out of frame. Take another look at that picture and tell me you can't see him shouting boisturously in a Maine accent, "Fuck yawah mothah, I'm boozin' in Kennebunkpoaht!"

Further inspection of the menu proved my point. Federal Jack's has a brewery below the restaurant, and as I inspected the list, one name stood out. And that was the Taint Town Pale Ale. Yep. Taint Town. I could practically see Federal Jack winking suggestively. It didn't take much imagination to see Federal Jack in his bedroom with a gaggle of drunken whores going, "Choo-choooo! Alllll abooooard! Next stop: Taint Town!" and then stomping around the room and flopping out on the bed where he fell promptly to sleep and began snoring.

I ordered it, because, OBVIOUSLY, and I didn't like it-- not at all because of the name, but because it's a pale ale, and in what must be an ironic intention, the beer actually tastes like flowers. It must give Federal Jack a good laugh from the grave every time someone orders one, before he goes back to boozing, raping, and pillaging. So much pillaging.

I Went to Federal Jack's and All I Got Was Drunk, Raped, Robbed, and This Stupid T-Shirt,"
Witz

Bonus Material:
I was mentioning this to M-Dash who was there, but hadn't seen the Taint Town beer, and apparently, had never heard of the word "taint." In trying to prove that I wasn't crazy, I googled it and this is why The Urban Dictionary is amazing:

from theurbandictionary.com

"1. taint - The area between the nutsack and asshole that prevent a man from shitting on his nuts. See durf."

Wow. WOW. I would also reiterate that you should see "durf."

Witz Pickz: One Reason Why I'm Not Ready For Kids

2011-07-11T13:01:00.001-07:00

I know, I know, the site's called "Witz Pickz" not, "Witz Watches A Shitty Movie and Writes About It Once a Month." I'm workin' on it.

My amount of enjoyment from the MGMT song "Kids" is the same as the amount of displeasure that actual children bring me. Sure, occasionally, a friend of mine has a kid who I like to see, and sure, there's the occasional stray child who does something cute or hilarious in public, but on the whole, I still find kids to be awful.

(I was going to have a picture here, but immediately regretted my decision to image search for "three year old child" in public. So...no picture)

As I was waiting to fly to San Francisco the other day, some parents were sitting nearby with their two kids; one fourteen months old (as she kept begrudgingly telling people) and one probably three or four, maybe five-- I don't know, I've always been terrible at knowing how old kids are. This one could talk, but still looked like his dome had some resizing to do, so what's that, three? Anyway, the parents looked exhausted, frustrated, and bored as they absently agreed with their children and told them to sit still.

Here's the thing about kids: they're basically retarded. I know they're just developing and all that, but, for all intents and purposes, they are the equivalent of the mentally challenged. Think about it: when someone has a mentally-disabled teen and you ask, "How old is he?" and they reply, "Well, he's fifteen, but he has the mental and learning capacity of a five year old," your internal reaction is, "Oh my!" Ok, well kids are ACTUALLY that old. A three, four, and five year old have the mental capacity of a three, four, and five year old. The only difference is that nobody refers to a five year old as having, "The same mental capacity as a retarded fifteen year old."

So, it didn't surprise me when this kid started saying dumb shit. First, it was, "I want that toy! I want that toy! I want that toy!" to which the parents replied, "You can't have it now, but you can definitely have it for your birthday," which went over about as well as the Kevin James movie "Zookeeper."

The kid didn't understand and frankly, neither did I. If you can buy this kid something that will shut him up in the present, why hold out for his birthday to give him something he probably won't even want anymore? Just give the kid the toy and on his birthday, make it very clear that he got one less gift because of it. I'm not going to be with your screaming child on his birthday, but I am going to be on his flight for the next six hours of our lives.

Eventually, the kid shifted his line of chatter. This was either because he got bored with it or because he decided to exact revenge in the form of obscenely redundant chatter. He started listing what each of the transformers from the movie did, only because he's an idiot, he just went back and forth between two, shouting each out for all the hear.

"BUMBLEBEE TURNS INTO A CAR!"
"Ok, honey."
"BUMBLEBEE TURNS INTO A CAR!"
"Uh-huh."
"OPTIMUS PRIME TURNS INTO A BIG CAR!"
"Ok."
"BUMBLEBEE TURNS INTO A CAR!"
"..."
"OPTIMUS PRIME TURNS INTO A BIG CAR!"
"Yep."
"BUMBLEBEE-"

--And so on and on and on. And what infuriated me the most, and what made me positive that I'm not ready to have a kid, wasn't the redundancy, and it wasn't the shouting; it was the fact that this stupid brat was WRONG. And the parents weren't correcting him (and probably weren't paying any attention at all to the actual words, but simply were agreeing habitually like me whenever a waiter or waitress describes for me a daily special that begins with any kind of fish). The parents were simply letting this kid shout about Transformers, while I sat there, wanting desperately to turn and yell at the kid, "NO, Optimus Prime wasn't a BIG CAR, he was a fucking TRUCK! A big RIG!"

("Were we so different? They're a young species. They have much to learn. But I've seen goodness in them. Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. You all know there's only one way to end this war: we must destroy the Cube. If all else fails, I will unite it with the spark in my chest." Ok, the last couple of sentences aren't relevant, other than the fact that the dialogue sampled there shows how mentally-disabled the Transformers movies are...)

Of course, that would make me the weird one-- the guy shouting at a small child for being wrong about an inconsequential bit of trivia. And that urge, to shout at the child instead of retreating into what must be an ever diminishing hellscape of a parental mind-cave, is what separates me from those parents, and what tells me I'm still not ready for a child of my own.

"KIDS TURN INTO PEOPLE!?",
Witz

Witz Flix: Airborne

2011-07-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

(Eeeeeee! "Real heroes aren't made, they're AIRBORNE!")

Thank God The Rapture didn't happen, because if it had, I wouldn't be able to watch and review this movie. Special thanks to my friend and reader, Burns Notice, who gave me the head's up and asked me to review Airborne. You'll understand why I'm so excited once you read this Netflix synopsis. My excitement is italicized:

"When his parents leave for an extended trip, California surfing enthusiast Mitchell (Shane McDermott) goes to live with relatives in Cincinnati, where he has trouble adapting to the chilly environment -- and the cool reception he receives from his new classmates. With only his cousin (Seth Green) as a friend, Mitchell endures endless taunting. But things begin to change when he wows everyone with his rollerblading skills. Jack Black co-stars."

RIGHT??? Let's get going...

0 min: I'm already impressed. The movie's rated PG and yet there's apparently "Brief Nudity," "Adult Language," and "Mild Violence."

1 min: It takes balls to open a movie with a "Suiting up to go rollerblading," montage: blades going on feet, knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards, and then...wait for it...hamstring stretches. All done in a timeless room with a black background. I got chills.

3 min: Two dudes go rollerblading down a huge hill towards the waves of the California coast. If they're anything like me, they're going to hit a branch, black out, and have a dream where they meet Arnold Schwarzenegger's character in True Lies (yes, that really happened).

4 min: Was 1994 really this awesome? Was rollerblading ever this cool?? And how does being able to rollerblade translate into being amazing at surfing? I feel like I'm watching someone play "California Games" with their 5 1/4" floppy disk for PC.

(So, BMX racing was clearly the best event in the game, but at the end of the course, you just fell off a really high cliff and lost-- what the hell!?)

6 min: "You guys were awesome today. Gracias." Yep, he's talking to his rollerblades.

7 min: Man, even this kid's hair's got waves. He must really like surfing.

8 min: I don't know who's more irresponsible: Mitchell's parents for going on an expedition to Australia and forcing their son to move in with relatives in Cincinnati, or the casting director who thought any of these people can act. We cut to snowy Ohio, with Mitchell looking very not stoked. And here's where I can already tell the genius in this movie lies: all signs point to a SNOWBOARDING movie right? WRONG. Rollerblading. Uncompromised vision.

10 min: SETH GREEN! Is it better to say that he looks 14 now or that he looks 37 in the movie?

11 min: If the banter in the car ride home scene is any indication, I'm not entirely sure this movie was scripted.

12 min:

Seth Green: You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?
Mitchell: I'm with you all the way, brah.

14 min: They go to school and there's the obligatory "Mitchell not being able to handle crowded hallways" scene, which always confuses me. This is followed by the usual "getting the attention of the school bully" scene, this time with the bully being some small hispanic kid nicknamed Snake, probably because Cincinnatti is not a bastion of creativity.

15 min: HOLY SHIT, JACK BLACK WAS A KID!? Try picturing Jack Black as NOT an overweight wacky guy-- can't do it, right? Well, it happened, and he's a douche. Mitchell and Seth go into their first class and everyone glares at them. Jack Black (aka Augie) is not a fan, but you know who is? Yep, some slut who wants to ride Mitchell's wave and is literally making him pick up what she's putting down as she pushes her book off the desk and watches as he picks it up for her.

18 min: Hold on, I'm trying to figure out what just happened. Jack Black and his buddy hate Mitchell because he's the cock-blocking-est thing to come out of LA since Scientology. They go up to the front of the public speaking class and call Mitchell out, saying that surfing isn't a sport (which Mitchell never claimed it was) and that hockey is a real sport. Here's where they lost me: they then proclaim that Mitchell should try playing hockey-- "matter of fact man, we have a game against the Preps-- and we've never beaten the Preps. I'm not graduating without beating them, we're gonna kick butt today!" And everyone cheers and runs out of the classroom. So...are they asking Mitchell to play in the most important game of the season orrrr....

22 min: I've never been more confused in my life. Jack Black was wearing a Tim Riggins jacket, then they announced that two people were in trouble and couldn't play hockey, so they had to have Snake and Seth Green join the team because they didn't have enough people? Now, they're playing the Preps, losing 2-1 on a seemingly school sanctioned scoreboard, and one kid goes, "Let's go! First to three wins!"
.....
WHAT?????

26 min: Mitchell has a long conversation in the stands with a girl who looks a lot like Hilary Swank and has the personality of a Highlights Magazine. Seth Green gets knocked out, Mitchell has to play, and he shoots on the wrong net and scores, infuriating everyone on his team. Seth says that Mitchell's the one who cost them the game, but Mitchell goes, "Yeah, right." Dude, you shot the puck INTO your own net from the other side of the rink-- you know what's really mondo, brah? Taking responsibility for your actions.

33 min: Revenge comes in the form of a series of pranks. Mitchell's desk falls apart, Seth is glued to his locker, sand is put in Mitchell's locker, and then, bafflingly, Mitchell is taking a luxurious shower at school and Jack Black steals his clothes. This is followed by Mitchell taking a luxurious shit at school and then finding that all the toilet paper has had water dumped on it so it's unusable. I went to grade school for 12 years and I can count the number of showers and craps I took on the premises on one hand-- why would you do these things and TAKE YOUR TIME doing them while in the midst of a siege of pranks?

37 min: It took them 37 minutes to get to the part where Mitchell remembers he owns rollerblades and goes for a...blade...to feel better about life. The movie opened with a rollerblading montage. Just sayin...

41 min: Mitchell runs into Million Dollar Baby as he skates past the park and they talk. She asks, "Hey, what are you doing right now?" to which he should have replied, "Uh, I'm fucking rollerblading, what does it look like?" but instead they cut to a botanical garden that she's way into. After a while, he ruins all tranquility the place has by rollerblading around and eventually getting them in trouble, but she thinks it's hiii-laaaaarious. I get why people hate this kid.

43 min:

Her: You must be homesick.
Him: Not right now.
Me: I just went from six to midnight.

His metaphorical penis is literally inside her right now. They make a date for Friday. She's bringing a friend and he's bringing Seth Green. I hope he wears a backpack and goggles.

44 min: Holy rollers-- whatever rollerblading this movie lacked has been made up for in the last five minute montage. After hanging out with Swank, Mitchell rollerblades home, pulling tricks along the way and accrueing a hoard of wheeled followers. First some bikers follow behind him, then some skateboarders see him and follow along, and then other rollerbladers. They all come upon a magical Tony Hawk level style blading park where Mitchell performs tricks that even my super high college roommate couldn't pull off with his Game Cube controller. This is all set to hair metal and if I had to sum up what we learn it would be this: Mitchell really enjoys rollerblading.

45 min: Mitchell waxes his board (not like that), then stands on it on his bed and imagines himself surfing. If anyone ever needed a water bed, it's this kid.

48 min: They go on the double date, but the movie must have spaced out for a while, because it cuts directly to the part where Mitchell and Boys Don't Cry are alone. She asks him if he could have lunch with any three people dead or alive, who would he choose. He chooses a famous surfer, Gandhi, and her. She says, "Me? You could have lunch with anyone and you'd choose me?" to which he replies, "You're not just anyone-- you're the girl I'm definitely about to have sex with (paraphrasing that last part)," and they kiss.

51 min: Seth Green's date is not psyched to be there. To be fair, she grows up to look like this and he ends up looking EXACTLY THE SAME:

("G-L-O-R-I-A...")

53 min: While the four are sitting at the diner table, one of the Preps from the hockey game, Blaine, shows up and starts being douchey. Apparently, he used to date Freedom Writers.

54 min: Blaine grabs Seth's date and starts dance raping her-- by which I mean he forcefully makes her dance with him, not that he like, rapes her while doing the Macarena. Anyway, Unfrozen Caveman Seth Green steps in and tells him to back off. Blaine shoves him to the ground and is about to start in with The Next Karate Kid (yep, Hilary Swank was the next karate kid), when Jack aka the OTHER douchebag leader, shows up at the diner and stops him.

55 min: Yep, Jack is the girl's brother. He also hates Mitchell, and honestly, the biggest problem with this movie is that Mitchell is a completely sarcastic, California surfer tool. He's so annoying that the two rival douchebags both hate him.

56 min: This movie has the weird misconception that bullies won't start fights. Mitchell says, "You think calling me a few names, putting sand in my locker is gonna make me fight you? Well, you're wrong!" and just to remind everyone why they don't like him, he adds, "You're not worth it, brah!" Mitchell then ruins all chance of getting laid by concluding, "Nobody here is!" The last time someone cockblocked themself that badly it was Pauly Shore by being Pauly Shore:

(Bad news for Pauly Shore-- when you search google for him, Pauly from Jersey Shore comes up first...)

58 min: Cue obligatory downward spiral montage: Seth Green is "seriously disappointed" in Mitchell, Mitchell tries to fix things with his girl, but he's wearing a fucking poncho while talking to her, so for some reason, she doesn't take him seriously.

61 min: Mitchell falls asleep and dreams about surfing. This kid must piss the bed ALL the FREAKIN' TIME.

62 min: Mitchell wakes up Seth Green at 3am to describe his dream, a situation best explaind by Dennis in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: "Dreams are like pictures: if I'm not in 'em and nobody's having sex, I'm not interested."

Anyway, this dream answers the question, "How much can we shoehorn in this surfer theme?" The dream is about Mitchell riding the perfect wave, which apparently represents the girl he likes, and a shark who represents her understandably dickish and protective brother. The shark is trying to scare him away from the wave, but he says "the wave is mine." Mitchell declares, "You don't have to fight the shark to fight for the wave..." at which point Seth Green makes a face like he just realized he shouldn't have agreed to make this movie.

63 min: Aw, hell yeah, rollerblades ARE the answer! Mitchell rides to where all the kids are playing street hockey, and also where there's an inordinate amount of plywood on the ground for him to skate on over gravel. The girl is there and his plan seems to be to win her back via a street hockey showdown. I'll admit, I'm pretty excited. You know who never won the girl by playing street hockey? Runs Around in His Sneakers Because He Doesn't Have Rollerblades Guy.

65 min: The guys let Mitchell play so he can get his ass kicked. Instead, he skates through everyone, dekes the goalie, and scores a goal all by himself. This movie dramatically undervalues the necessity of stick-handling.

67 min: Blaine tackles Mitchell at the next face off and everyone wants him to fight. Instead, Mitchell waits, refuses to fight, and then goes and pulls Blaine's pants down because he's a) non-violent and b) a little bitch. P.S. Thanks for the man-ass-crack, "Brief Nudity"...

68 min: Mitchell's ability to evade the douchebags is entirely predicated on his ability to hop on rollerblades. Weak sauce, dude.

70 min: Jack Black and the other guys all go to Mitchell's house and welcome him to the group since he pantsed Blaine. Jack Black says, "I guess we had you figured all wrong. I'm sorry man..." but he also looks like a child molester who has a vast number of skinned pets in his basement...

71 min: "We challenged the Preps to a rollerblade race-- we're gonna settle this thing once and for all." Very few people remember, but that's actually how the Cold War ended.

72 min:

SNAKE: Well, anyway, it's a bunch of hills Mitchell- it's pretty dangerous.
MITCHELL: Then why do it?
JACK BLAK: We're tired of being put down, treated like low life trash, losers-- SNAKE: We're somebody. This is our chance to prove it-- and we can only do it as a team!

Did you feel that? I just got goosebumps.

74 min: A big group of kids gather at the top of the hill, somber and clad in helmets, knee pads, goggles, gloves, padded sweatshirts, and of course, rollerblades. Blaine tells us, "The rules are: there are no rules-- anything goes." Everyone looks at each other intensely.

75 min: A random girl we've never seen before announces, "The first team with three members across the finish line wins." You know what that sounds an awful lot like? A rule....

76 min: Hahaha, did I mention they're doing this down a hill on a road with cars on it? This movie feels like it was made by someone who really didn't understand what they were watching when they saw the X-Games on TV. Also, I think Jack Black might have just died, it's unclear. It was supposed to be funny because he eventually hit his crotch against a tree, but at that speed, he had to have taken some serious bodily damage.

77 min: YESSS!! Close-up shot of the three leaders using their brakes to slow down! Take yer brakes off, nerds!

80 min: Wow, they are really committed to this sequence; there hasn't been any quips or one-liners for the last 5 minutes. Just...Rollerblading.

81 min: Ok, maybe this is because I work in events, but there is a severe lack of signage along this route. How the hell does everyone know where they're going? They're basically just weaving through suburban streets at this point.

83 min: Aha! Case in point: Mitchell loses sight of the people in front of him and says, "Where did they go?" He has to stop and take a look. From a vantage point, he sees Snake and two Preps cross the finish line where a ridiculously large group of people are cheering everyone in. "If the Preps get one more person, they win!" Snake shouts angrily.

84 min: Did the shredding guitars cause Mitchell to leap over the railing and soar through the air or did his leaping cause the guitars to shred? I like to think one could never exist without the other.

85 min: Blaine takes out Jack, then lines Mitchell up to check him against the concrete unnecessarily. Mitchell ducks and Blaine checks himself into the concrete, flips over the edge, and crashes into the ocean. This is why Cincinnati can't have nice things (also see: Ken Griffey, Jr).

86 min: Mitchell and Jack cross the finish line and the crowd goes crazy. More importantly, they marked the end of a TWELVE MINUTE ROLLERBLADING SEQUENCE WITHOUT DIALOGUE. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.

87 min: Seth Green shows up in the back of a pickup truck and Gloria is there to kiss him. Mitchell, Jack, and Snake all high five, and it's pretty clear at this point that Jack Black is dead in the woods and Blaine just drowned in the river. Mitchell and his girl kiss in slow motion (which looks just like a normal long kiss except her eyelid kinda tweaks out like she's having a seizure), the screen fades to black and: 2nd Unit Director Steve Boyum. Powerful stuff. Then, presumably, Mitchell goes back to California with his parents. Huh.

I'll say this: for a movie named after a cold medication, it wasn't that bad. I can honestly say that with the exception of D2: The Mighty Ducks, no other movie I've seen has even come close to rivaling the rollerblading footage, and it's good to know that Year One or The Holiday are still Jack Black's worst movies. Mitchell was a real douche, but it turns out that the actor, Shane McDermott, now sells real estate in Galveston, Texas, so who's cool, now? I'll leave you with this quote from the man himself,

"Let me tell you what stylin' is. The perfect session: A-Frame wave, ground swell, spittin' out salt water in your face, doing a little lip action move, a 360 without a bounce. I call it a Liquid Drano Wannabe Bullwinkle. I tell you no lie, my friends. It's a consciousness raiser."

Whoah,
Witz

Witz Pickz: The Rapture

2011-05-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

(If it's on a bench, it must be true!)

"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I--" am going to be VERY annoyed if I spend all day today at work and then the end of the world starts tomorrow. Only a truly vengeful God would have The Rapture on a Saturday.

According to excrutiatingly old Christian Radio Host, Harold Camping, tomorrow, May 21st, 2011, the oft belated Rapture will occur, and roughly 3% of the world's population will suddenly ascend to Heaven; heads looking up, middle-fingers pointed down at the rest of us, who will have five months of escalating doom to look forward to before we're all dead by October 21st. Some people believe that those raptured will die instantly, while others believe that they will simply disappear to go up to Heaven with God while the rest of us perish for our sins.

(Personally, I think it's going to look something like this)

First of all, no. I mean, MAYBE, but no. I guess it's just strange that regardless of whether it's The Rapture or just the end of the world at some point, that kind of thing can happen ON A SATURDAY. Not like, "On the 3rd rotation of the Earth's orbit around the solar plexus of the cloven-hooved demon planet," but like, "This Saturday." Something about that is anticlimactic. Also baffling is the timeframe for how The Rapture will go down. Is it just one ubiquitous moment around the world? Does it happen at 12:01am or 11:59 pm? According to the wikipedia entry, it will happen at 6pm local time wherever you are, because despite the universe being infinite, God's still on board with respecting our time zones. Day-drinking, anyone?

What I really don't understand is why it has to be a big end of the world scenario that follows. Why can't there be a middle ground, where all the people who believe get saved and everyone else gets Left Behind like Kirk Cameron, but in a world where things continue unabated, just with roughly 200 million fewer people? "Welp, we missed The Rapture, but at least these lines are a little shorter!" Why can't we just continue on in a world that's already pretty shitty most of the time? God should just be like, "Alright, well, I'm out-- you just keep on doing whatever it is you people do when I'm not around."

("Hi, I'm calling about my reservation for The Rapture...yes, I'll hold.")

Obviously, the problem with this is that it sounds like it was written by M. Night Shyamalan. Remember when he made that movie The Happening, when (uh, spoiler alert) the PLANTS were trying to kill us? Yeah, so-- THIS IS CRAZIER. Biblically old Harold Camping explains his theory as being a math equation based on numbers found in the Bible as well as numbers in The Bible which he claims have a figurative meaning. Is it just me or are adapted math equations never as good as the books they were based on? What makes this all the less believable is that this isn't even Harold's first time predicting The Rapture! Dude's already 0 for 1! He predicted The Rapture to be back in September of 1994, which he published in a book he titled 1994?. THE MAN PUT A QUESTION MARK IN THE TITLE! He claims that he was wrong due to a mathematical error, and just to be clear, he was already 73 years old when he came up with THAT math equation. As far as I'm concerned, he had his shot and blew it-- I don't see how anyone can still buy what he's selling.

("You only get one shot/do not miss your chance to blow/this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo...")

What do you do if you believe in The Rapture? Did they go to work this week, or month, or year? Did they give all of their things away? In one interview, Harold is asked if he gave all his money to charity and he replied something along the lines of, "You don't understand, it's not like that-- there won't BE charities once this happens!" So...is that a no, then? If the guy who predicted this thing has a safety net, you know it's not happening.

Do they have a Rapture Party, and do they make that party a RAP-ture Party, with only hip-hop playing? Do they buy groceries, do laundry, or floss? Do they travel to the last time zone The Rapture is due to happen or do they travel to the first? You gotta figure a line's gonna form at Heaven's Gate (oops-- er, I mean...too soon?) and even if you are getting into Heaven, it's gotta suck to be the 199,998,957th person in line. Sometimes I don't get a bagel because there are six people in front of me. Was there a cutoff date for Rapture applications, like, "All Belief and Good Behavior must be submitted by May 1st," and after that deadline, can you do what you want, or is it an up to the minute decision?

Some people are concerned that believers who don't experience The Rapture will kill themselves after tomorrow, thinking that they missed the party. I guess my concern is that there are actually people worried about that happening-- it's called thinning the herd. People die everyday and if some of these folks cut their losses (read: wrists) because they put all of their faith in an 89 year old man with a microphone and poor guess-timation skills, then so be it.

I guess we'll have to just wait and see. Maybe it will happen. Maybe I'm wrong and the 3% minority is right that the end of days is upon us and Jesus is gonna swing by and pick them all up in his RV. Either way , I'll be drinking with my friends, and come Monday, if I'm not not back at work, it won't be because I'm skipping, it's because of The Rapture.

More Like "Judgement YAY!" Am I Right??,
Witz

P.S. Regardless of whether The Rapture happens, I bet the band The Rapture is feeling pretty psyched right about now. When they first formed, whoever came up with the title had to have said, "I know, it's kinda lame and really Christian, BUT The Rapture's predicted by someone every year or two, so we'll toootally get a million hits when people start searching!"

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Drama at the Theater (Part 1: I Am Number Four)

2011-03-10T13:42:00.001-08:00

That's a decently clever post title right there. I mean, not amazing, but like, 4:45 on a Thursday while at work clever, right? Whatever. I saw two movies in the last week and while that seems simple enough, anyone who thinks, "What is he going to post about? How could that possibly go wrong?" hasn't been paying attention.

First up was the sci-fi action movie "I Am Number Four," which my buddy and I went to see because we wanted to see an action movie, it has Timothy Olyphant from "Justified" in it, and we were intrigued by the massive disparity on moviefone.com between the audience's rating of 91% and the critics' rating of 36%. I guess if you went in planning on seeing a shitty sci-fi action movie, you probably rated it higher than if you just saw "The King's Speech" and this was just the next on your list.

Needless to say, people are dumb and it wasn't very good. We walked into the theater and felt like the title was actually referring to how many people were in the audience. My friend was number three. I was number four. I didn't bring a note pad or anything so I could do a Witz Flix running commentary, but I regretted it pretty immediately. About five minutes into the movie, the lead character is swimming in the ocean of Australia with some girl and his leg starts to glow and burn painfully. Instead of saying something like, "What is that? Did you get stung by a jelly fish??" the girl simply screams, "He's a freak!!!" and runs away. You can't coach hate.

(What?)

They're forced to move to a quiet town in the Midwest, ironically named "Paradise." It's at that moment that I realized "I Am Number Four" is actually "Twilight" that's supposed to appeal guys. It's about an attractive, blond haired, muscular dude from outer space who comes to a small off-the-map town and falls for the local hot chick, but they never actually are able to seal the deal.

Despite looking like he came out of an Abercrombie catalogue, the main character is treated like an outcast at school and his guardian (Timothy Olyphant) tells him to, "Just blend in." Just blend in? He's a six foot, good looking, super ripped up dude who's clearly in his early to mid-twenties. Alien bullshit aside, this kid ain't blending in.

("Hi, I'm just a normal 17 year old kid. I'm certainly not an alien who looks human and is way too old to be in high school and it's DEFINITELY not weird that I'm trying to have sex with you.")

The part my friend and I couldn't accept, however, was at the end when the guy's regular looking dog suddenly turns into a giant alien dog, fights off other alien beasts to save him and then collapses on the floor, seemingly to die. The main characters eventually (SPOILER ALERT) kill all the bad guys, and then they just wander off into the sunrise. My friend and I both had the same reaction: "WHAT ABOUT YOUR DOG!? How about a quick check to see what happened to man's best friend and maybe to give it a proper burial if need be? How about a quick look-see for your fucking SPACE DOG, which just SAVED YOUR GODDAMN LIFE? Oh, I guess not." In the last scene of the movie, the dog comes hobbling back to the group on three legs and everyone's just like, "Oh hey, there's that space dog-- cool." This is why aliens don't deserve nice things.

Having said all that, the movie was alright to watch if you took it with a grain of salt, or all of the snacks that we snuck in. When did movies give up on enforcing the no outside food or drink policy? They used to pat me down or eye every bulge that might have been a pack of Combos when I was a kid (which, when I type it like that, sounds fairly molesty), but I can now walk into a theater with a jacket CLEARLY filled with a foot long sandwich and a bag of chips and nobody cares anymore. This has to be up there with Women's Suffrage, the Civil Rights Movement, and Gay Marriage for the top social advances in the last 100 years.

This time, I snuck in some almonds and those Cadbury Mini-Eggs with the hard candy shell and the delicious velvety chocolate inside. Everything was going well until about the 70 minute mark, when I nonchalantly tossed a mini-egg into my mouth. It missed my teeth, missed my tongue, and landed snugly halfway down my throat. I coughed; it didn't budge. I coughed again, a little more seriously; nope. I tried to breath and found that I couldn't.

Thoughts ran through my mind: "Oh my god, I don't know how to administer the Heimlich to myself...," along with, "I wonder if my friend knows the Heimlich," and, "I don't want to make a scene in the middle of this movie theater because of a Cadbury Mini-Egg." And then: "Holy shit. Am I gonna fucking die in a movie theater while watching 'I Am Number Four'?? Oh shit oh shit oh shit!"

A story suddenly popped into my head-- the story of my freshman year roommate in college, who was choking on a lifesaver candy and suddenly remembered that there was a hole in the middle: "I just stopped freaking out and breathed normally, dude!" he had told me. What hadn't I tried? I swallowed and the egg moved. I swallowed again and I felt it find its way down to my stomach. I had a few crazy thoughts, like, "But I didn't crack the shell! Can my stomach digest an uncracked mini-egg?" but was otherwise alright. As far as anyone could tell, all that had happened was another minute of "I Am Number Four."

"I almost just died," I whispered to my friend.
"What?" he asked, turning his attention to me and leaning in.
"Choking on a mini-egg; I almost just died." This time he heard me.
"What the fuck is the matter with you?" he replied and turned back to the movie.
"I am number four," I whispered jokingly, but there was an explosion, and he didn't hear a word.

(it would have been a worthy death)

I Bet the Second Alien Got ENDLESS "Number Two" Jokes,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Presidents' Day Starting Five

2011-02-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

I tend to shy away from sports posts, especially sports like soccer that aren't widely loved in these parts, so as not to alienate my audience (which, given what I keep in, really makes you wonder who I think my audience is). HOWEVER, in anticipation for Presidents' Day this Monday, the day my indoor soccer team usually has a game, I came up with my top five US Presidents that I would want on my squad. Even if you don't like soccer or sports, I think you'll agree:

Goalkeeper: Abe Lincoln -- Not a tough decision. Our tallest president at 6'4'', the man's got reach. Add his strong work ethic and willingness to put himself on the line (read: end-slavery), and you've got yourself a wall of a keeper. Forget Paul Pierce, it shouldn't take long before Honest Abe is known only as, "The Truth."

Defense: Ulysses S. Grant -- In 20 years, Wayne Rooney is going to look exactly like this 18th President of the United States. At 5'8'' with some weight on him, Grant could anchor the defense while making the occasional run up front to put one in the back of the net. Plus, everyone could call him "The General" and that would be awesome.

Defense: Andrew Johnson -- Johnson is a bruiser, simple as that. He might not have been the most talented or have the softest touch, but he's a man that's been through some shit and you need a guy like that on the field. Tough, resilient, and determined. Even after Tennessee seceded from the Union, Johnson remained in the Senate, making him a hero in the North, and by all accounts, one stubborn son-of-a-bitch:

Striker/Midfielder: James Madison -- Our 4th President clocked in at a Carlos Tevez-esque 5'4'', and like Tevez and height-mate Paul Scholes, Madison would absolutely have a chip on his shoulder. I mean look at him-- the man popped his collar long before it was cool, and well before The Three-Six Mafia was rapping about it. Scrappy, determined, and a team player: when deemed the "Father of the Constitution," Madison replied that it was instead, "the work of many heads and many hands." It wouldn't be long before J-Mads would be one of the crowd favorites.

Striker: Barack Obama -- This shouldn't surprise anybody. Say what you will about his effectiveness in the White House, Obama's clearly our most athletic President; which everyone says, but seems vaguely racist when I type it out like that...hm. Tall, in good shape, and he knows how to move (at least on the basketball court: ala Steve Nash). Can inspire a team in a time of crisis and adds a little bit of diversity to what is currently, a really really ridiculously white lookin' squad.

I know what you're thinking, but no, JFK would not make a good addition to the squad. He'd be the guy going over to the stands when he was on the bench and hitting on the women, and he would tear the team apart...And Millard Fillmore looks like a flopper.

Isn't It Weird That As Long As the Internet Exists, There is One Day Out of Every Year When the Band "The Presidents of the United States of America" Will Remain Relevant?,
Witz

Witz Pickz: The King's Speech

2011-02-04T12:59:00.001-08:00

(Nothing about the movie is as playful as that tagline...)

The other night, M-Dash and I went to the movies to see The Fighter. We both wanted to see it, and while we heard that The King's Speech was good, we both agreed that we were in a The Fighter mood-- Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale always seem like a better option than Geoffrey Rush and Colin "It's not the length, it's the" Firth.

We were half an hour early for the 7:45 showing, and bought our tickets. "That specific theater doesn't have heat right now, so if you think it's too cold, you can get a refund up to twenty-minutes into the film," she told us. "Whatever, it's probably not a big deal," we thought, and went ahead into the theater.

And ya know what? It wasn't a big deal. What was a big deal was that the room we walked into was about the size of my Brooklyn apartment, had maybe 40 chairs, the screen was only slighter larger than a big screen TV, and it was empty. Oh yeah, and several chairs were broken, ripped, and contained "Out of Order" signs, and the ones that were "In Order" were stuck in various states of recline, and stained in curious ways. There are only so many descriptive words you can use without just coming out and saying, "Rape Room," so there it is; it looked like a storage room where people had been getting repeatedly raped by chimpanzees. There was no doubt in my mind that it had bed bugs, and that those bed bugs had gonorrhea. I expected to look at the walls and see pictures that Dexter had taped there before he murdered his victims. It was your classic murder-rape room that would make an Austrian Dungeon Owner jealous. It looked like an exhibit at the MoMA called, "Personification of AIDS." It looked as though 28 days earlier, someone had been bitten by an angry, infected monkey. We turned around and walked out.

"It's a little cold," I told the ticket girl. "Can we see the 7:20 King's Speech instead?"
"Yeah, no problem," she said, and exchanged our tickets. We ran up the stairs to check the other theater. We opened the door and looked out over your typical, upscale, quality movie theater. We found some seats, and both had the same thought: "It is appalling that they charge the same amount of money to go see a movie in the nice stadium style theater and the super sketchy Spunk Dungeon." I'm assuming we both independently thought of the phrase "spunk dungeon." The movie started.

I knew from the minute the first title appeared the screen reading, "In 1925, The Duke of York was asked by his father, King George the V, to give a speech at Wembley Stadium," that I was NOT in a The King's Speech mood. I was in a The Fighter mood, and so was M-Dash. She laughed audibly at the first title, and I nodded. The first scene then proceeded to play out like the infamous "Answering Machine Scene" in Swingers. I don't think I'm spoiling anything by telling you that Colin Firth's character sucks at speaking. He's just miserable at it. As good as Kanye West is at sounding like a crazy person, is how bad this guy was at talking. Watching him stammer through a sentence for five minutes of my life made me want to knife everyone in the theater, but, as we all are aware by now, we were in the wrong room for that. Like most of the people in the character's life, I wanted to shout, "Ok, I get it, but JUST FUCKING SAY IT, MAN!" Painful.

(How M-Dash and I looked during the first ten minutes of the movie)

"Wait-- so this whole movie is about the Duke of York's speech impediment?" M-Dash asked, and I nodded in agreement with the implied judgement and incredulity. Shockingly, despite our negative internal reaction and my slight squirming and barely audible sighs, they kept playing the movie for everyone, and it didn't take long for me to start slowly caring about the characters. Geoffrey "No, seriously, I was the bad guy in Pirates of the Carribean!" Rush was engrossing, and Colin Firth's acting was Oscar worthy, so slowly but surely, the film won me over, which is pretty impressive. Really, the only slow parts were the parts where Colin Firth couldn't get his gggg-gg-g-g-ggggggggg-gg-gggggg-gggggggggG-GODDAMN WORDS OUT! So, if they just cut out all the parts where the King speaks, I think The King's Speech would have been a really great film. And I didn't even need to delouse myself afterward.

"Is this movie NOT about Elvis!?",
Witz

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Bio Shock (Not the Game)

2011-01-31T12:13:00.000-08:00

"Let's not shit our self, today," I thought, as I balled myself up in the fetal position, took a swig of apple juice, and prayed. "Not on a Saturday afternoon."

I realize, that after a month of no posts, it might seem that I subconsciously wanted things to turn out the way they did when I went to give blood on Saturday, but you would be wrong. For starters, I was going because my girlfriend (aka M-Dash) is a big proponent of giving blood as much as possible, so the last thing I wanted to do was shame myself in front of her. Also, I had been told they gave out cookies after, and I loves me some oatmeal raisin.

(Note: not a real hero)

We entered the blood donation room and were welcomed by a friendly female doctor, and the sounds of murder from the other room. The doctor's name was Kim, and the sounds of murder were yet to be determined. We sat down and were told to fill out a form. There was basic information to fill out and then there were a bunch of medical and lifestyle questions. After reading the questions, it appeared the general idea was, "Are you gay? Do you have HIV or AIDS? We don't care what your answer to the second question is, we don't trust you if you're gay." They also asked a lot of questions about having had sex with anyone who had a bunch of different diseases, which, with my girlfriend in the room, played out a lot like Mitch Hedberg's AIDS test: "I just ask my friends if they know anyone with AIDS. No? Cool. Because you know me."

(www.slapupsidethehead.com)

Having passed the form test, we were granted access into the blood-letting room. We hopped up onto our lounge chairs slash torture recliners, and waited for Kim. On the television, Stone Cold Steve Austin was fighting in the jungle with one of the guys from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.

M-Dash: What movie is this, babe? It looks like something you would watch. (Read: You watch a ton of shitty movies, including that time you made me watch Easy-A and now I'm gonna make fun of you in front of the doctor for it...)

Witz: Pff, gee, thanks...(Read: Yeah, I've probably seen this movie)

Doctor: I think it's called The Condemned. (Read: I watch movies on USA all the time in this office and this one is definitely called The Condemned.)

Witz: Oh...yeah, I think I might have seen it...(Read: Shit. I've absolutely seen this before)

M-Dash: Why are they--

Witz: --A bunch of convicts were put on an island with tv cameras and told to all kill each other until only one is left...I mean, I think...

With the movie sorted out, it was time to stab us with needles. First, the doctor got M-Dash going, and then she turned her attention to me. "When was the last time you gave blood?" No idea. "Have you had any bad reactions in the past?" Well, when I had an IV hooked up to me about eight years ago, my body went into shock and my blood pressure dropped dangerously low, but that's not the same thing, right? "Ok, let's get you going." I felt the pinch, but didn't look at the needle or blood. I lay there, absently glancing at The Condemned, squeezing the blood-drop-shaped stress ball "every five to ten seconds," and waiting.

("I don't see any reason why a super-violent movie entitled THE CONDEMNED would be a bad idea to show in a blood donation center...")

At about the three-minute mark, I thought, "My stomach feels weird, I wonder if I'm hungry. I hope I get that cookie soon." At the three-minute five-second mark, I felt like maybe I was sweating a little. At the three-minute ten-second mark, M-Dash asked, "How are you doing, you alright?" and I replied, "You know I'm not six, right?" for the benefit of the doctor, when what I really meant was, "I wanna go home. Where's my cookie?" At the three-minute fifteen-second mark, I felt like the world had gotten ever so slightly darker. By the three-minute thirty-second mark, I was drenched from head to toe in sweat, saw stars and flashes of blackness, my face and lips had gone completely white, and I was trying not to vomit and release my bowels at the same time (a double whammy I call the Chinese Finger Trap). "C'mon body," I thought, "Let's not shit our self, today. Not on a Saturday afternoon."

I think it's important to note that, while I don't enjoy it, I've thrown up plenty, both in the privacy of my own bathroom, and in front of both friends and strangers. It's vaguely accepted by society. And, like most people, I have that Cal Ripken like streak of not pooping myself intact, which I see as a small, but significant achievement. It's not the type of streak you want a day off from. So, I was clearly in a dire place.

(Cal Ripken, Jr., keeping the streak alive...)

"Do you think you can finish?" the doctor asked.
"How much longer?" What a trooper, right?
"Three minutes," she told me.
"Nope. Get this thing out of me now." Oh well, maybe not.

The doctor rushed over and told me to cough hard. "This is no time to administer a hernia test!" I thought, but did as I was told. She then activated three cold packs and placed them on my neck, my forehead, and wrist. "Apple or Orange juice?" she asked. "Apple sounds good," I told her, like the five year old child I'd become, and was given a small airline style cup of apple juice, which is awesome, because, like most people, I enjoy juice more when it's served in shallow petri-dish fashion. She then told me to go into the fetal position*, which was great because that was my exact natural instinct: flight. Once again, just like when I passed out on an airplane, my body said, "Listen. Witz. Fight just doesn't seem like our style. I think we should go with the whole flight thing on this one," and shut down.

Apparently, blood leaves dudes' bodies at a much quicker rate than women's, which means this is a good time to insert your own menstrual cycle joke. It also means that on occasion, when giving blood, men's brains think we're dying and go into shock. To be fair to my brain, I was having blood drawn at a rapid rate from my vein, so I WAS kind of dying. It didn't help any that while I was systematically, but still not literally, losing my shit, the increasingly relevant feeling movie The Condemned was blaring on the television with scenes of the bad guy stabbing and shooting innocent people who had no method of escape. Not the best choice for the BLOOD DONOR CLINIC.

Within a few minutes, color was returning to my face, I felt less like I was going to throw up, and was pretty certain (and let's be honest, anything less than "positive" is a very uncomfortable, borderline unacceptable state) that I wasn't going to poop myself. I sipped my apple juice, lay in the fetal position, and attempted to gauge my failure:

"So, did you get enough blood to use?"
"We were about 300 cc's short."
"Ah, so what, you just throw it out?"
"No, no, we use it for research!"

I had failed big time. What research would they possibly be doing on my blood? Research on why I sucked at giving blood? No, my blood was going to be donated to death-metal bands, so it could be thrown onto the audience at Gwar concerts, and we both knew it. Needless to say, I didn't get a cookie. She implied it was because I might throw it up, but I knew better. Cookies go to winners and I had lost.

(Gwar! Because you don't get drenched with blood at The Arcade Fire shows.)

"Now, I want you to come back," she said. "Try again, your body might respond differently, and we'll know to keep an eye on you from the beginning next time." I gave her what I can only describe as a Polite Stare and went to put my coat on. "Do you think he'll come back?" she asked M-Dash. "Maybe," she flagrantly lied, before adding "But probably not for a while..."

Out on the street, on our way to get some Gatorade into my system, M-Dash turned to me with an apologetic expression. "I'm sorry that went so badly for you," she told me. "That's alright," I replied, "I finally have something to write about."

"Don't EVER do that again!" -My Mom,
Witz

*"What's your favorite sex pose?"
"Ohhh, I guess probably the fetal position."

Witz Flix: Wall Street II: Money Never Sleeps

2010-12-28T14:56:00.000-08:00

(I love Shia's expression in this poster. Even he's not sure why he's making this movie.)

It's 5pm, I'm back home for the holidays, and I have exactly four hours to watch Wall Street II: Money Never Sleeps before it is no longer available ondemand. You see, at 9pm last night, my parents paid money to watch this movie, and by all accounts, it was a disaster. So, how can I resist?

1 min: The movie opens with Gordon Gecko (Michael Douglas) getting out of jail and retrieving his belongings. He has a gold watch, an empty money clip and a huge old Zack Morris phone. Ironically, he was the one given a 20 year "time-out."

2 min: Oh, thank god, Shia The Beef is narrating. I guess Morgan Freeman was all booked up.

3 min: We cut to "7 Years Later," 2008. Opening sequence...I don't think it's ever too early to talk about the subtitle, "Money Never Sleeps." For a split second, it sounds acceptable, but then a little synapse pops and suddenly your head aches because it's SO FUCKING STUPID. Money never sleeps? Ohhhh, that's probably just because IT'S MONEY. You might as well call it: "Wall Street II: Cats Don't Play Jenga."

(or do they?)

5 min: Shia's in bed with Carrie Mulligan who is best known for creepily banging Peter Sarsgard (is there any other way) in An Education. She's Gordon's daughter. He's a preternaturally business-minded prodigy who's making an assload of cash. Like, Season Premier of The Biggest Loser assload.

6 min: David Byrne and Brian Eno did the soundtrack for Wall Street 2?? I can't imagine actively acquiring the Wall Street II Soundtrack.

8 min: It's definitely a problem that Wall Street: Money Rarely Naps can't exist without being compared to the original Wall Street because Shia's like a more hateable Charlie Sheen.

17 min: Shia owns and has been pushing a stock that's plummeting, but he refuses to give up on it. I know JUST how he feels-- I had to hang tough while my TWO shares of Chipotle stock plummeted from 130 to 70 a share. But look at it now: 230! All people are doing is eating burritos and playing on their iPads.

(Warning: Do not eat a burrito and then try dancing)

21 min: Josh Brolin's in this movie?? Was he NOT in a movie this past year?

23 min: I can't believe I'm having trouble understanding what's going on in Wall Street II: Money Stay-cations. Thanks a lot, creative writing degree.

27 min: Shia's investment firm had to be bailed out by the government after an extremely devestating week. They show his boss, who was rich, but is now broke, going into a subway station. "Oh, I see, they're showing how he has to take the subway now instead of a taxi because he's broke," I think. He has a confused expression on his face. "Oh, I see, it's been a while since he used the subway." He then charges forward and hops in front of the train. "Wow, it's been a REALLY long time since he's used the subway! He's really bad at it!" I think, and then realize he was committing suicide. Seriously guy, thanks for making everyone late. It's not like the 6 train is a hoot regularly.

29 min: Shia's now broke and getting married to Carrie Do-over. He goes to watch Gordon Gecko give a talk. Apparently, Gordon spent the last eight years in prison honing his financial humor. It's like going to see Bill Gates and hearing him open with, "More like 'Crapple,' am I right?"

38 min: "Oh, Money's a She, alright. She lies there at night, looking at you-- one eye open. Money's a bitch that never sleeps. And she's jealous and if you don't pay close, close attention, she might be gone forever." A few things here: 1) So...money doesn't sleep, but still only keeps one eye open? That seems unnecessary, except that 2) If money doesn't sleep for 72 hours, it's legally insane. 3) Someone needs to tell Gordon Gecko about a savings account.

40 min: Shia is taking beef (see what I did there?) with whoever started the rumor which led to his mentor's downfall. He thinks it was Josh Brolin, so he's plotting revenge by causing a crash on one of Brolin's companies...or something like that. It sorta works and Josh Brolin offers him a job and he accepts so he can get closer to him.

46 min: Susan Sarandon is Shia's mom. Which I think means that Bull Durham is his father...

55 min: I wish Shia could TRANSFORM this movie into less of a piece of shit...

67 min: Shia's pushing this fusion energy company to some Chinese investors. He explains how the technology works, and, as far as I can tell, it's exactly the same as the Keanu Reeves/Morgan Freeman classic, "Chain Reaction." If I had to explain fusion technology I'd be like, "You push a button and the razor shakes."

71 min: BOOM!!! CHARLIE SHEEN CAMEO! I gotta be honest, it's all I've been hoping for since the movie started. And I'll tell ya, it's suuuper depressing. "Bud Fox" may have done the right thing in Wall Street, but he still looks like he's been arrested for numerous coked up incidents with prostitutes ever since.

74 min: "So easy even a cave man can do it, huh?" Gordon jokes about getting rich. Are they really referencing the Geiko Gecko? Not even Peter Dinklage could limbo under the bar Oliver Stone has set for this movie.

78 min: Carrie Mulligan always looks like she just farted and nobody else knows it yet:

85 min: The big stock market collapse happens, and we see a meeting with Josh Brolin and the feds discussing the bailout. "It's an economic Pearl Harbor," one commentator says, and I can't agree more. This movie is just as bad as the movie Pearl Harbor only it's about money.

86 min: Every time Oliver Stone is about to make a movie, he should stop and ask himself 1) Would this movie be better if Aaron Sorkin made it and 2) What if I just played Call of Duty instead?

90 min: I don't know how money does it-- I am exhausted!

98 min: Apparently, Carrie has 100 million in a Swiss bank that Shia didn't know about. Gordon wants him to have her sign the account over to Shia so Gordon can launder the money into the States for them. What do you think, is it a good idea, Mr. Peepers?:

105 min: As a character in a better movie said: "You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is, 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia.'" Instead of laundering the money and giving it to the fusion company like Shia expected, Gordon takes the money and runs, like everyone watching expected. Shia tells Carrie what happened and that he was hanging out with Gordon behind her back and lied to her so she kicks him out. Gordon starts a new investment firm in London. The most frustrating part is that I can't seem to find any sharp objects in this room to stab my eyes out with.

109 min: Easily the worst line I've heard in a long time. "Right now it is ugly times ugly-- and that's when the ugly get going." Yowzah. Who let Sling Blade edit the script? That line reads like the world's least creative madlib.

113: "See that's what you never got kid. It's not about the money, it's about the game. By which I mean the movie The Game, a vastly superior film to this movie, which makes G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra look like a work of cinematic brilliance."

118 min: Shia writes a story about how Josh Brolin and his firm did bad stuff-- honestly, I don't need to be more specific. Josh Brolin gets in trouble, but doesn't care, because he's starring in the remake of True Grit.

125 min: <---- THAT'S ONE-HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE: Gordon displays a moment of humanity and gives 100 million to the fusion company to make amends with Shia and Carrie. He wants to be a part of her life someday since she's having a baby (you can sell American babies for good money). Shia and Carrie get back together. Roll Credits. Fuck my life.

Sadly, no matter how many jokes I make about this movie, Life still has better comedic timing. Right after I finished watching, I flipped back to regular cable and saw this commercial, "What do you buy the guy who has everything? Wall Street II: Deluxe Edition. The Ultimate Gift." I imagine that if I bought Wall Street 2 for "The man who has everything," that man would open it and say, "The reason I have EVERYTHING ELSE and not Wall Street 2 is that it's fucking Wall Street 2. I'd have everything if I wanted it.

Wall Street 3: Money Spaces Out For a While,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Don't Ask, Don't Tell Repealed - The Implementation in Three Phases

2010-12-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

The restrictive military policy, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” was officially repealed this morning. We are told, however, that the change will not be immediate and may take up to several months to implement. In fact, the Pentagon has an 87-page implementation plan for over the next few weeks. I assume the plan is as follows:

Phase 1: Don’t Ask, Just Hint

A classic example of policy lagging behind practice, this step eliminates the legal grey area. While you still can’t ask someone if they are a homosexual or not, you are now legally allowed to hint that you might be. For example, men: Try saying things like, “You smell great today!” or, “You make beige look fashionable.” Maybe listen to Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift so that others can hear. You are also now free to tell another man that, “You have a pretty face,” memorize and perform a Justin Bieber dance in the shower, or say you, “Feel so bad for Britney,” as long as you laugh mightily afterward. As phase one progresses, after giving another soldier a congratulatory ass-slap, feel free to throw in a wink.

For the female enlistees, we recommend the same type of hinting. Tell another female that you really like her military haircut or let it be known that you had that haircut long before you enlisted. Start listening to The Cranberries whenever possible. Say things like, “I’m no military scientist, but I’ve always enjoyed experimenting,” or simply, “I think guns are awesome, but I also love the WNBA.” (Note: While it might seem counterintuitive, gay men should not use this line; loving the WNBA does not mean you’re gay, it means you’re a middle-aged white man).

Phase 2: Keep Hinting, Vaguely Inquire

The most crucial of the phases, it is imperative that while you keep hinting and begin to express curiosity in others, you do not simply put someone on the spot regarding their sexuality. Now, we understand that our military has its well-established culture that is proven to create bonding in the ranks, so we are by no means asking that you stop casually throwing around hateful slang like, “fag, dyke, or queer.” We’re simply saying that you should not add, “Are you a,” before them quite yet.

If you feel the need to ask if someone is a homosexual, ask peripheral questions instead, such as, “Hey, did you guys get the latest issue of Details?”, “Anyone want to go watch Charlie St. Cloud with that charming Zac Efron with me?” or, “How great is Dr. Phil?” While it might seem subtle, asking, “Would you have sex with Penelope Cruz even though you’re a female? Like for reals??” is still not allowed during Phase 2.

While these vague inquiries are now acceptable, we would continue to urge our gay military men and women to simply use their built in Gay-dar. For you heterosexual personnel, a military grade Gay-dar app is now available for your smartphones—OR, simply look around for someone playing “Angry Birds.” While the aforementioned strategies of deduction are now legal, we continue to urge subtlety. Remember: sometimes you don’t need to ask, you can just tell.

Phase 3: Fine-- Ask, Go ahead and Tell

As this phase begins, you will officially and legally be allowed to ask about another soldier’s sexuality and be open about your own. No more forced lying or secret-keeping and no more restrictive legal reprimands when it comes to your sexual orientation. So, go ahead, tell other people that you’re gay if that’s what you want to do. And hell, fine, ask someone about their sexual orientation if you must. As long as you fine men and women of our military continue to serve America and make us proud, we legally no longer care if you are heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual (at least until a heavily Republican Congress votes to pass a new bill). God Bless America.

Witz

Witz Flix: Charlie St. Cloud

2010-12-21T15:15:00.000-08:00

I know I promised Sex and the City 2 next, but the Netflix gods have delivered me Charlie St. Cloud and I'm considering that a holiday miracle. All I know about Charlie St. Cloud is that it's based on a book, it stars the charming and phonetically spelled Zac Efron, and it's about a boy who's brother dies, but the dead brother is really selfish about it. Let's jump in:

If you don't understand I'm going to spoil the plot twists for you, then you haven't been paying attention:

1 min: Oh boy. If you heart sailing and brotherly love, you're gonna shit yourself at this opening scene. Charlie and his younger brother, Sam, are in a sailboat race. The two sail to victory, fueled only by the wind, the sails, and the shine in Zac Efron's eyes.

("A schooner IS a sailboat!")

3 min: I don't see why he feels the need to abbreviate. Charlie Street Cloud is a great name.

5 min: Charlie's supposed to go to Stanford, but he's considering taking a year to earn some money for his family first. Ugh. I can't believe this is going to be ANOTHER movie about poor people who love sailing and go to Stanford. "You got in for fall, you go in the fall. You can't put life on hold, Charlie," his single-mom, Kim Bassinger, says. Meanwhile, the word "defer" sulks in the corner.

6 min: Cut to Charlie's high school graduation. Apparently, he's kind of a big deal. Wait, does this make Zac Efron 17 Again, AGAIN?

8 min: Charlie promises to spend 1 hour every day before he leaves for Stanford teaching Sam how to play baseball better. His mom rushes off for an extra night shift as an RN. Zac Efron sneaks out of the house. These are like the ABC's of how to make sure your sibling dies unexpectedly.

12 min: Sam catches Charlie leaving and asks him to get dropped off at a friend's house to finish watching the Sox game. They are waiting to make a left when the car behind them smashes into the bumper, sending them twisting forward. A truck coming from the other direction then lays on the horn. When simply honking for a long time doesn't work, the truck slams into the passenger side of the car. It was kinda like this:

13 min: Ray Liotta manages to zap Charlie back to life, but Sam's dead, which sucks for Charlie and his mom, but is huge for the movie having a major turning point.

15 min: Charlie thinks he sees Sam at the funeral and refuses to throw the baseball glove into the grave. He runs off into the woods where he sees his brother again. They talk and agree to meet every day to practice like Charlie promised. Man, the sequel to Ghost Dad is DARK.

17 min: "5 Years Later." Sam's headstone reads, "Taken too young. Alive in our hearts forever." So...he's got that goin' for him...

19 min: Oh, please. Charlie works maintenance at the cemetery which is like letting Barry Bonds work at a pharmacy.

24 min: I don't know how else to put this: Charlie sees dead people. And then he talks to them.

26 min: Charlie heads off into the woods and has a catch with Sam's Ghost, which is all well and crazy except I want to see how it's happening in real life. Is he chucking the ball and then walking over to get it? Does he have a sack of balls that he's just throwing into the bushes? This is like a really low-budget Field of Dreams.

("His name is Sam and I love him very much...")

29 min: Charlie runs into Ray Liotta again, the paramedic who saved his life.

Ray: Wanna grab a cup of coffee? Catch up?
Charlie: Oh, I can't man, I gotta go back to work...
(read: "Oh, I can't man, that's creepy as shit.")

The two go to get coffee:

Charlie: You're sick.
Ray: Yeah...I got the Big C...

Seems like a weird time to brag about your penis size, but-- OHHHHHHH! THAT C. Well, that's just much worse, isn't it?

32 min:
Ray: God gave you a second chance. God doesn't just show off-- there has to be a reason. Don't squander this gift you've been given!

WAIT, second chance-- does that mean that Zac Efron was 17 Again, Again, AGAIN!? And since when doesn't God show off? What about Mt. Everest, and Double Rainbows, and Salma Hayek?

36 min: There's exactly one black guy in this movie, and he's a rich douchebag. "Hey, didn't you used to be Charlie St. Cloud?" He mocks, and then, when Charlie won't take a shot of something he says, "Relax. It's not like you're in high demand as a designated driver." Charlie punches him in the face, which is finally a victory for poor white kids over rich black kids everywhere...

38 min: Charlie goes down to the boats and sees The Girl, Tess. Apparently, his reason for getting a second chance at life is to hookup with the girl from Sex Drive. Wait, you guys didn't see Sex Drive? Seth Green's finest role. Anyway, The Girl is going on a race around the world.

44 min: Seriously, though, why does Zac Efron spell his name like a vanity license plate? Zack Ephron or Zak Effron-- those are the choices.

52 min:
Charlie: According to Sammy, our father played for the Red Sox.
Tess: Did he?
Charlie: No! He tried out for the triple A team in Pawtucket. That's the last we saw of him...

And that man's name was Wade Boggs.

55 min: Charlie has Tess over for dinner and just goes for it, kissing her up against the wall. She says she can't because she's leaving soon for her big around the world race and leaves. Then, she knocks on the door and says, "Come find me!" and runs off into the graveyard, you know, like people do. He finds her and they bang in the cemetary?? This whole movie would be way cooler if they had gotten Trent Reznor do the soundtrack.

62 min:
Charlie: The more I'm in your world, the less I can be in his.
Tess: Charlie, at some point, we all have to let go.

Sam's Ghost has to be the cock-blocking-est ghost of all time. Although, I could totally see Casper always showing up at the worst possible time and being all, "Hey, what are you guys up to?" There's a line between "friendly" and "highly intrusive."

66 min: Whaaaat? Check this potentially illogical twist out: Tess's boat went missing three days ago, so alllll the time she's spent with Charlie has been as a ghost. Which raises numerous questions, the most important of which being, "Who or what did Charlie St. Cloud bone in the graveyard???"

68 min: "Why are you the only one who can see me, Charlie?" The only way to answer that is, "Have you seen The Sixth Sense? I'm like Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense." Oh, shit! Spoiler Alert! Does anyone NOT know about the ending to The Sixth Sense at this point? If you don't, I'd also like to let you know that Kevin Spacey IS Keyser Söze!

70 min: Why wasn't Zac Efron Spiderman? He's like Tobey Maguire, if Tobey Maguire had charisma, a personality, and a body that could process gluten. I know Zac was in all the High School Musical movies, but he was also in an episode of Firefly, so he deserves SOME cool credit.

80 min: Charlie goes to search for Tess and her sailboat and isn't able to meet Sam in the woods. Sam waits for him and then walks away from the clearing and disappears into the light. Ease his pain, Charlie.

82 min: They find Tess's boat. Charlie dives into the water to find her. He almost drowns, whacks his head on a rock, and then stumbles onto a small rock cropping where he finds her body. He opens her clothes and moves against her. It's probably to provide warmth ala Ben Affleck and that old guy in The Voyage of the Mimi, but after that whole graveyard ghost-sex fiasco, it's a bit awkward:

Charlie: (taking off her clothes) Five minute rule!
Coast Guard: Sir, she's been dead for seventy-two hours.
Charlie: Alright, fine then, SEVENTY-TWO HOUR rule.

89 min: Tess survives, Charlie survives, and Charlie buys a boat to sail around the world, but the movie still ends like an advertisement for suicide:

Charlie: Sorry I had to break our deal.
Sam: It was time. I mean, it's beyond anything we ever imagined, Charlie!
Charlie: I hurt as bad as the day you died.
Sam: You hurt because you're alive.

"Suicide: Way Better."

93 min: And Roll Credits; on the movie, on your life, whatever. If we learned one thing here today, it's not that we must make the most of the time we have on this planet, it's that if you're very good-looking, you can be batshit crazy and not only will girls not care, but you'll get to bang ghosts, too.

Weirdest High School Musical Yet,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Catching Up

2010-12-13T08:39:00.000-08:00

Has it been a month already?? Whew! Time flies when you have crippling writer's block. Here's a rundown of what's gone on since I last posted:

Thanksgiving:
We kept things simple this year-- my parents, my sister, and my grandma. It was much like any other family meal only this time, it was as if my mom asked, "Hey, for dinner tonight, I was thinking we could have 14 different things, how do you feel about that?"

"Can we all feel like we're gonna die afterward?"
"You bet."
"Well, then that sounds great. What's for dessert?"
"I was thinking pumpkin pie. And cheesecake."
"That sounds reasonable."
"Also, I was thinking we could have the same foods for the next five meals..."
"...I like it-- it's what I imagine homeless people would do if they finally got wealthy."

We then went and did exactly what the Pilgrims did after the first Thanksgiving-- we watched Avatar. That movie might be exactly like Ferngully and tell the most obvious, redundant lesson of all time, but I didn't get bored and the graphics WERE stunning. I could have done without the gross, maggot looking tail hook-up to achieve, ahem, "connection" with nature, but whatever. Oh, and I know I'm way behind on this one, but "unobtainium?" Shut your silly, CGI face. James Cameron definitely forgot to go back and "Find/Replace." Still, the best part was after watching the movie for three hours, we asked my Grandma what she thought. "Oh, I realllly liked it! Why was it called Avatar, though?"

So, what did I learn this Thanksgiving? That apparently, I'm the guy who, after eating a huge Thanksgiving meal at 4pm, looks around at 11pm and says, "I need dinner."

Black Friday:
My mom teaches English in an allegedly reputable middle school. Her student:

"Why do they call it 'Black Friday?' Shouldn't they call it 'African-American Friday?'"

It wasn't a joke. This is why we're all gonna die. As for myself, I spent African-American Friday doing a little shopping-- not so much because I needed anything, but because I like to remember how horrific humanity can be. "Now that we're all well fed from Thanksgiving, let's go trample each other so we can get a red Wii and fake bowl."

I hit up Best Buy because, "I can get things I ordinarily wouldn't have spent ANY money on for 45% off!!" and then went to Old Navy. With all the options out there and with limited time to shop, going to Old Navy on Black Friday really makes you stop and take a good look at yourself. Their pants are ordinarily, like, 30 bucks. Their shirts are maybe 20 bucks, and everything else tends to clock in around 10. I'm not saying it's shitty stuff, and I own more Old Navy than I'd like to divulge, but it's kind of like shopping The Salvation Army on yellow tag day. As I stood there, staring at the extremely long line, holding a 3 dollar ringer-tee (marked down from 6!) and a pair of 2 dollar boxers (marked down from 4!!), it suddenly struck me that I must have something more important to do. I put down the clothes and walked out to my car. I hopped in, started the engine, pulled out with purpose, took a deep breath of crisp New England air, and that's when it struck me: I had absolutely nothing more important to do. So, I went to Kohl's. Don't judge me.

Chanukkah:
I might not go to synogogue, I haven't been to a Passover seder in at least five years, and it may have felt weird and uncomfortable to wear a yarmulke* at my friend's wedding recently, but I spell "Chanukkah" with a "C" and two "K's" so BACK OFF, I'M JEWISH. I had told my girlfriend that for Chanukkah, we usually got seven crappy gifts and then one good gift on the last night, so, when we celebrated on the second night, she gave me a stick of Burt's Bees lip balm and a bar of chocolate. "Because you said you get crappy gifts for Chanukkah!" she explained sheepishly. The next day my sister IMed me: "For Chanukkah last night, Mom gave me a bag of chocolates and some chapstick." Amazing. Somebody owes somebody a coke.

Ironically, while the oil may have lasted eight days longer than those old men originally anticipated, our box of Chanukkah candles ran out with two days left.

*(A "ya-ma-ka" for those of you who immediately thought, "What the shit is a Yar-mul-kle!?")

Quotes-- I couldn't rob you of these gems:

"Here's a good call from Netflix: based on my interest in 30 Rock and The Office, they suggest....Auschwitz: Inside the Nazi State. Second time they've suggested it. It goes: SNL, South Park, Auschwitz, Reno 911." -My Sister

...

"And to put that in perspective of how retarded I was at that age, that was the same time period when I read The Giver and it changed my fucking world. I remember being up at midnight, and I walked into my parents' bedroom and I said, 'Mom. I need to change my Life!!'...And then she asked if I wanted to play video games and I said yes, of course I did. I had the chance to make something of myself, and instead, I played the Blade Runner computer game. It was four discs and I never even got out of the apartment. Ya know what the worst part is? I hadn't even seen the movie! So, I had absolutely no context for this game!" -The Brilliant A.T.

All I Want For Christmas Is My Ability to Write Back...or Gran Turismo 5,
Witz

Witz Flix: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

2010-11-11T13:00:00.000-08:00

I haven't seen the new(ish) live action G.I. Joe movie because everyone I know who saw it said it was terrible. Turns out, everyone I DON'T know who saw it also said it was terrible. It got a 34% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is a hearty 3% WORSE than Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Netflix believes I will give it 1.4 stars. That sounds like a challenge. "Yo Joe..."

1 min: Take a minute and guess any number of ways the G.I. Joe movie starts...I don't think any of us saw, "France - 1641" coming.

2 min: This dude of the Clan McCullen tried to kill the King of France or something, which didn't go well, and now they're putting a red hot metal Iron Man looking mask onto his face. It's kind of like in the movie The Mask, but he's a bit less excited about it and instead of super powers, he gets the worst pain he's ever felt in his entire life. Side note: This is bafflingly not what the Leonardo DiCaprio movie, "Man in the Iron Mask" was about.

3 min: "In the not too distant future..." C'mon movie, go out on a limb and tell me when this thing is taking place. It's not like 2011 is gonna happen and I'm going to say, "That movie was totally wrong about when The Rise of Cobra happens!"

4 min: Just when you thought bed bugs were a problem, some Scottish guy invents Nanomites-- they're tiny metal bugs that eat everything from cancer cells to metal and buildings. Anyway, they're being loaded into warheads and shipped to NATO. If they're anything like my mail, they won't ever arrive. (I'm actually pretty sure that my super elderly landlord has been taking some of my mail either by accident or for his own entertainment. Two floors above me, an eighty-five year old Italian man is wearing a Tim Riggins t-shirt, reading a postcard from my girlfriend, and watching I Love You, Beth Cooper.)

5 min: Marlon Wayans! Just when you thought he couldn't make a better movie than Little Man, he's back in action alongside Channing Tatum. They're in charge of moving the weapons.

8 min: The convoy is attacked by some "Never Before Seen" aircraft, but it looks a whole lot like the ship from that game Descent (remember Descent?). It's killin' everyone, but Tatum (character is Duke) and Wayans (Ripcord) are evading it so far. Just imagine you're playing Halo. It's like that.

10 min: "OoOOoo, it's a laaady..." and a bunch of foot soldiery lookin' dudes.

13 min: The lady is Sienna Miller, Channing and her seem to have dated, a mysterious military unit shows up, and together they fight off the bad guys and retain the weapon. I'm pretty sure this is the point where I'm supposed to be excited because I recognize the different G.I. Joe characters from my youth, but unless one of them is "Guy Who's Legs Spin Around Because the Rubber Band is Busted" I'm afraid I don't remember.

14 min: I think it's important to note that Sienna has the same glasses that my dad had-- she can make them change from sunglasses to clear glass and back again.

16 min: Dennis Quaid (General Hawk) shows the two their super-sneaky-secret base in the desert, which is not entirely unlike the sandbox where mine sometimes existed. He explains the G.I. Joe unit: "When all else fails, we don't," which sounds like the slogan for an abortion clinic. Hawk continues, "We take all the best soldiers from all the best units in the world,"...and also hot chicks, apparently. It looks like the recruiting pool for Sterling Cooper secretaries in there.

17 min: Dennis Quaid says, "We need to find out all we can about her (referring to Sienna Miller who tried to steal the weapons). KNOWING is half the battle." Even he sounds pained delivering such an expected line. He then goes straight to The Wikipedia for answers.

19 min: The Scottish guy, McCullen, who invented the weapon is also the one trying to steal the weapon. In unrelated news, the Republicans took back the House of Representatives recently because people were upset about the bad economy...

22 min: A scientist guy who may or may not be Keanu Reeves invented Neo-Vipers, which are humans turned into military drones who feel no fear, pain, or moral issues. "The real world application for them is endless," Maybe Keanu says. Finally, someone we can pay less than illegal immigrants to do the horrific jobs nobody wants to do...Also, now that he's injured, I give Michael Vick two weeks before he has Neo-Vipers fighting each other in his backyard.

27 min: 4 Years Ago, Duke proposed to Sienna and she said yes. AND JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT WAS THERE??? 3rd Rock From the Sun is Sienna's brother, apparently.

30 min: Training montage in their new Joe suits, which make you, "Run faster, jump higher, and hit harder." Oh, I see. I didn't realize G.I. Joe were big cheaters. Bud Selig's gonna allow it.

31 min: HAHAHA, Brendan Fraser just showed up! This is certainly a Blast From the Past!

39 min: Sienna et al break in and grab the warhead. A big fight ensues, but everybody survives-- sorry, I mean, everybody important survives-- a shiiiit ton of soldiers we don't know got totally effed up in the process.

41 min: Aaaand we're flashing back 20 years to when Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes met. They were kids and Snake Eyes was poor and stole some food. Storm Shadow caught him and the two fought until Storm Shadow's dad broke it up and they eventually took Snake Eyes in. That reminds me: Did ANYONE see the new Karate Kid movie??

46 min: So the Scottish guy still has the iron mask from his distant relative and is going to unleash one of the warheads on Paris because he hasn't forgotten what the french did to his great-great-great-great-whatever. It's a bit much.

51 min: Apparently, Channing Tatum's dreams are vivid expository narratives from his past, so we now know that Sienna's brother, the kid with the abnormally long neck from Inception, was blown up in East Africa during a military mission involving Channing and Marlon. But I'm pretty sure he wasn't killed and is actually the evil scientist working for McCullen who looks like Keanu Reeves...

54 min: Sienna and Storm Shadow bring the warheads to a lab in Paris where they have them "weaponized"-- which apparently means having them spin around while a laser shoots at them for a while-- good to know this movie is following the same scientific accuracy as Human Centipede. Just as they're leaving, the Joe team shows up.

55 min: HAHAHA, "Snake Eyes, catch that hummer!" someone shouts and Snake Eyes hops out of the van and starts running robotically after a speeding vehicle. It's hilarious because of how he looks running after the vehicle, and because the phrase, "I'm gonna go catch a hummer," needs to be a thing.

65 min: A ten minute chase just ensued without any characters being killed. The warhead blew up the Eiffel Tower and released the Nanomites, but Duke hit the disarm button that Sienna had and stopped the city from being destroyed. I'm not entirely convinced this movie respects my time.

66 min: Duke got taken, the rest got arrested. They're all, "We're the good guys," which is true, but to be fair, I'm pretty sure they broke a few laws along the way.

78 min: The team is set free and goes to rescue Duke and get the warheads. McCullen is going to transform Duke into one of those Neo-Vipers and Sienna's not entirely sure how she feels about it. And to think that I used to believe only TNT knew drama...

82 min: And boom goes the dynamite: the creepy scientist IS Joseph Gordon Levitt, Sienna Miller's brother. The Joe's are oscar mike to rescue Duke and stop the missiles from being launched. As they arrive the missiles are launched and Ripcord goes off in some plane he found to try and stop them. I know this is boring and unfunny, but I wanted to give you a little window into what I'm dealing with.

(JGL, 3rd Rock From the Sun glory)

87 min: Sienna Miller saves Duke and is then "shut down" by her brother who put Nano-mites in her dome piece. I'd like to hear Kanye West rap about Nanomite technology. McCullen runs in and Duke pulls a gun on him. The scientist holds the iPad looking device with the destruct button on it for Sienna's brain. It's a standoff.

89 min: The Joe's and the army are assaulting the base. I just noticed that Snake Eyes's armor has pecs and abs, which seems both entirely unnecessary and absolutely the way to go. I'd tell the G.I. Joe Tailor, "I for sure want the abs and pecs..aand while you're at it, let's throw in a Greg Oden cock in the pant armor, thanks." The outline of a huge penis chiseled into your armor would definitely throw your enemy off a split second long enough to have the advantage.

92 min: Duke shoots McCullen as McCullen shoots at him, which somehow sets McCullen on fire. The scientist goes flying from the blast and drops the controls to Sienna's brain. Duke grabs it and bafflingly knows exactly what to push to deactivate her little techno-coma. He then checks in on foursquare.

94 min: McCullen and the scientist escape in a sporty little submarine and Duke and Sienna follow them in one of their own. They are being chased and as they all zoom through underwater tunnels firing at each other, I realize that this whole scene is totally ripping off the Body Wars ride at Epcot.

96 min: Snake Eyes and Snow Shadow are locked in an epic battle-- and by "epic" I mean, "time consuming." (99 min: Snakes Eyes finally kills Snow Shadow...no big whoop.)

97 min: Ok, so Ripcord shot down the first missile in his plane, which it turns out used the command code "fire" in CELTIC, which the smart Joe girl figured out and told him over the radio. NOW, he goes to fire at the second missile and says the word again no problem. There's a lot of unrealistic shit in this movie, but this is the most unrealistic of all. There is zippy chance Ripcord remembered the "fire" command in celtic while zooming at hundreds of miles an hour chasing a missile from Eastern Europe to Washington DC.

100 min: Hehe, McCullen angrily says, "Kill them all! Detonate THE ICE PACK!" which if you aren't paying attention sounds alright, but if you realize he just said "ice pack" it's pretty funny. Everyone's screaming, "Look out for the ICE PACK!" The Joe's are all like, "Pull back! The ICE PACK IS BLOWN!" I'd be screaming, "Don't get the goopy chemical gel on you! I've pulled lots of muscles, but I'm still unclear on whether or not that's bad!!"

104 min: Wow, that's a whole lotta CGI sinking into the ocean. I've also really wanted to make a, "More like C.G.I. Joe!" joke this whole time, but I also read that same quip in a review halfway through watching this so I feel unoriginal.

106 min: What the scientist guy has in technological brilliance, he totally lacks in nicknaming ability. He injects McCullen with Nanomites which turn his face into an iron mask instead of burned flesh. "James McCullen is no more. You are DESTRO!" he declares. He then puts on his own mask and says, "And you can call me COMMANDER!" Destro and Commander? They sound like strippers at a gay club in Pittsburgh.

107 min: The two villains are surrounded by Duke and the Joe army and are arrested. "This is just the beginning," Cobra Commander declares, to which Duke replies, "I'll be waiting for you." Seriously?? Three strikes in California and you're going to jail for drug posession, but Cobra Commander and The Guy Who Tried To Kill EVERYONE might make parole???

109 min: Ohhhh shit! The disguise guy is The President! Wait, did I mention disguise guy? My bad. So, there's this bad guy who's really into disguises. Like, he had a laser shoot him in the face and reconfigure his face cells to look like someone else. If someone asked, "So what are you into?" I imagine he'd reply, "I'm pretty into disguises." Anyway, at the end of the movie, he's the President, which would have been a GREAT TWIST, except it was really obvious the whole way through that he would end up being The President...oh-- of the United States, not like...of Walmart or Boston College or something. Which I suppose YOU didn't see/read coming, sooo.....TWIST!

110 min: And roll credits. Another successful children's toy brought to the big screen...gah. I'm a little offended Netflix OVERestimated my 1.4 star rating. Regardless, WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE A LEGOS MOVIE?? And why did they call this movie "The Rise of Cobra?" At best it's "The Rise and Fall of Cobra," or just, "G.I. Joe: Well, Now There's A Group Known As Cobra..." I don't get it. BUT DON'T WORRY, there's a sequel in the works. How bad does a movie have to be to NOT get a sequel? I'll explore that question and more when I watch "Sex and the City 2" for you all next week.

Say It Ain't So, Joe,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Halloween Costume Do's and Don't's This Year

2010-10-29T08:01:00.001-07:00

Halloween is on Sunday, which means anyone deamed too old and/or creepy for trick or treating will be celebrating on Saturday. If you're anything like me, you wait until the very last minute to get a costume together, so I've decided to post some sexy ideas and some costumes to avoid this All Hallow's Eve Eve.

5 Costumes to Make Sexy This Year:

When did we decide to call these costumes "sexy" versions instead of "slutty" versions? Nobody says, "That girl's really sexy-- she blew the entire football team." I guess it's marketing, and, let's be honest, it doesn't matter what you call it, Halloween's the best show of creative nudity outside of New Orleans.

1) Sexy BP Oil Spill: Nobody is pro-oil spill, so you won't run into any controversy with this one. Throw on a a low cut, belly-button exposing top with some short shorts, douse yourself with Hershey's syrup and you're good to go. Add a syrup doused stuffed fish or bird for good measure. For best results, add a very specific detail to the costume and you'll be showing the world not only your body, but that you're literate, too.

2) Sexy Carl Paladino: Put the "uber date" back in "gubernatorial candidate" with this sexy costume. With the election coming up on Tuesday, this costume is ripped from the headlines. Simply wear a shirt and tie, but sexy it up however you see fit. Remember guys: having your dick out is NOT sexy, it's a felony.

3) Sexy Time: Wear some enticing, revealing clothes and a clock around your neck and once you get past all the Flavor Flav references, you can reveal that you're "Sexy time! Get it!?" Nothing gets a conversation started better than sounding like an Austrian making english language innuendo.

4) Sexy Trader Joe: This one is great because you can go as the traditional Trader Joe OR you can choose to go as Trader Jose, Trader Giotto, or, if you're feeling particularly adventurous, Trader Ming. No matter who you choose, make sure you make it sexy-- it will distract from the fact that, much like the products, the costume is vaguely racist.

5) Sexy Katherine Heigl: Hehehehe, get it? Because she's awful and unappealing. Feel free to be creative with this one-- Sexy Justin Long, Sexy Seth Rogen, Sexy Morgan Freeman, etc, etc...

5 Costume DON'T's this All Hallow's Eve Eve:

Two years ago, everyone and their dead celebrity crush went as The Joker for Halloween, and, let's be honest, it was borderline embarrassing to hear that seventh person ask, "Why so serious?" as if they were the first person to think of it. Here are some costumes to avoid this year.

1) Double Rainbow/Double Rainbow Guy - Just don't do it. Seriously. Even Sexy Double Rainbow is gonna be redundant no matter which party you go to. Besides, you're gonna get super sick of having everyone come up to you saying, "Whoooah, Double Rainbow! What does it mean!?" We get it, you watch Youtube videos. The only way this costume is acceptable is if you and your preferably gay partner are each a single rainbow and when people ask what you are, you both start making out, thus combining into a double rainbow. Twist.

2) Precious: The costume based on the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire. I know, it's great in theory, but nothing good will come of it (especially if you go as Sexy Precious). If you're white and dress up like Precious, you're really dressing up as a racist, and if you're black and dress up like Precious, you're just making fun of fat girls who have been raped. So...pass.

3) The Prophet Mohammed - For those of you not familiar with Danish cartoons, just take my word for it-- it's still a bad idea. If you must get your religion on, the ever popular Jesus, or Moses, or Joseph Smith, or Buddha, or the lesser utilized L. Ron Hubbard are all still acceptable options. I realize Moses is not the Jewish deity, but do you have any idea what Yahweh looks like? I sure don't. Oo-- that gives me another sexy idea: Sexy afikoman.

4) The Jersey Shore Cast Member: There are going to be thousands of The Situations this Halloween, so don't be that guy. Your abs aren't as good and it's going to get awkward the more you show people yours. If you must make a Mike The Situation costume, do something creative with it like, "The Hypothesis: My abs are ok, but if I worked out more and ate less pizza, I think I could have a great six-pack." If you're desperate to show dudes your boobs and underwear, go as Snookie, and if you want to be boring and redundant, go as Ronnie and Sami. I guess if you can get an entire group of people to go as the entire cast, that could be pretty well done. Make sure to kick whoever dresses up as Angelina out of the group part way through the night...

(see...)

5) Insane Clown Posse: Honestly, I can't decide if this is a great or terrible costume idea. Taking cues from the "Miracles" song/video, there are a plethora of options for props and references. You could carry magnets while looking quizzical, rock a t-shirt that says, "Fuck Scientists," or just find some way to work in "crows" and "ghosts." On the other hand, if there are a hundred ICP jokes running around, you might look lame. If you want to go as ICP, maybe skip their born-again wonderment references of "Miracles" and go back to some of their less subtle classics like, "I Stuck Her With My Wang," "Bugz On My Nutz," or the straight forward tune, "Imma Kill U."

(Not just a clever name...)

It's Never Too Late For Sexy Strom Thurmond,
Witz

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Marketing For Dummies

2010-10-06T04:04:00.000-07:00

"Trader Joe's Super Soft Bath Tissue has the power to make your anxieties melt away. It's super soft, living up to its name, and guaranteed to bring a smile with every use. Don't take our word for it. Take this miracle roll home and try it!"

First of all, false. It's not super soft, it's more like the roll of recycled toilet paper that my parents have in their house. Apparently, my parents are trying to make up for the fact that their generation is leaving my sister and I with looming armageddon by only buying toilet paper that feels like it was peeled right off a birch tree.

(Seventh Generation-- so named because when you wipe your ass with it, your great-great-great-great-great-great grandkids will feel the pain.)

Second of all, if I'm smiling while wiping my ass, something's very wrong. There's a time and a place for smiles and laughter and it's not while my hand is navigating dangerous spatial relationships via my mind. And what's this guarantee? Can I walk into a Trader Joe's, hand them the empty packaging and say, "Yeah, so, this didn't tickle my anus or bring joy to my heart, where's my money?" It's not a miracle roll, it's some dead trees that have been put in the unfortunate position of being on the business end of our business ends. Wait, is that what Fern Gully was about?

Speaking of toilet paper, the Denny's marketing has been annoying me for a while now. They keep advertising this 2, 4, 6, 8 value menu where each item is either two dollars, four dollars, six dollars, or eight dollars. Wait, so you have a list of items that range in value from two to eight dollars? You know what that's called? A MENU! You just have a regular menu. I can't imagine Moons Over My Hammy have gotten adjusted much for inflation since my last visit so stop trying so hard-- if someone makes the decision to eat at Denny's, they're gonna do it regardless of your marketing. That goes double if they're ordering this:

Yyyup. That's a grilled cheese sandwich with mozzarella sticks inside. You bet your ass I want one, but I have two little devils on my shoulders named "Shame" and "Restraint" so I'm not gonna have one. And, in case you were wondering, yes, this is why other countries hate us.

Finally, if you're anything like me (don't worry, I won't tell anyone), you watch a lot of shows on Hulu. Lately, they've been showing ads before the shows and during commercial breaks with a little choice at the top corner asking, "Is this ad relevant to you?" Oohhohoho Boy! As far as Hulu is concerned, I'm a middle-aged closeted gay pacific islander who's afraid to talk about HIV within my community, who drives a mini-van, uses swiffer mops, is against bringing your own bag to the supermarket, HATES wheat thins and doesn't want anything to do with cotton. THAT'S who's watching 30 Rock.

I hope this post is as useful to you as my Old Dogs post was to this person, who is totally, obviously, completely not a spammer in India being paid mere cents an hour to push terrible American products:*

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Witz Flix: Old Dogs":
Good dispatch and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you on your information.

Just glad I could help you with your "college assignment," Anonymous! I know those Old Dogs papers can be rough, but you sound like you have it all figured out. Just remember to site witzpickz.com as a reputable internet source.

Get 2, 4, 6, or 8 Decent Jokes For the Same Low Price,
Witz

*I also deny any involvement in such a job while working down in Austin one summer. A note to those in that position: When using cut and paste, it's important to pay at least a little attention, so as not to accidentally refer to electric wheelchairs as go-karts. Apparently, that angers some people who's parents recently passed away and are selling their stuff on ebay.

Witz Flix: Dear John

2010-09-29T11:00:00.000-07:00

"What would you do with a letter that changed everything?" the tag line asks. Uh, I dunno...scan it and store it for perpetuity? Read it while listening to Queen's We Are the Champions? Eat it? Get super frustrated because the letter is so important and yet I'm still COMPLETELY ILLITERATE (twist!)? Who's to say?

It's no secret that I like The Notebook. I even saw The Time Traveler's Wife because I thought it was based on a Nicholas Sparks book (it's not. He'd never sink to including womb hopping, time fetuses). So when I heard about Dear John, I thought, "Sure, it SOUNDS terrible, but maybe it'll be alright, like Cambodian sandwiches, or tofuti, or Zach Ephron and the Seattle Seahawks. As always, there's only one way to find out:

0 min: Hm, the production company is called "Screen Gems." I don't know much, but one thing I've learned over the years is this: they're not all gems.

1 min: Channing Tatum is in the army. Tatum!? I hardly even know 'em!

2 min: Voiceover time. He's comparing himself as a soldier to coins he saw in a mint when he was little. Still, you can't say, "My ridges have been rimmed," and not expect a little giggle.

3 min: "When I was shot...right before everything went black, you wanna know the last thing that entered my mind? You." Wait, ME?? I feel like this is that Simpson's bit:

"Only WHO can prevent forest fires? You have selected 'you', referring to 'me.' That is wrong. The correct answer was 'me,' referring to 'you.'"

It cuts to Channing Tatum surfing where he sees Amanda Seyfried. She's hanging out with-- HOLY SHIT! SIX! IT'S JASON STREET FROM FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS! AND HE'S WALKING AGAIN! WOOOOOO! I'm gonna be so pissed if Channing steals QB 1's girlfriend.

4 min: What the fuck Channing? Streeter knocks Amanda's bag into the water and runs around to go get it for her. Channing just dives off the pier and grabs it. Then, he ignores Street (who can run and swim again!) and just walks up to Amanda and hands her the bag. What a Douche-bag Retriever. And her name is Savannah?? Slllllllut. I wonder if it's because she's kinda hot, her hair always looks droopy, and I bet she goes crazy on St. Patty's Day.

6 min: Savannah invites Channing-- who's name is John by the way if you didn't follow The Clever-- back to a bbq at her place. Street is giving him shit and being kind of a dick, but to be fair, John IS trying to bang his girlfriend, so....one-half and a dozen.

8 min: "You ever notice how big the moon is when it's rising, and how little it is when it's up in the sky?" I hate you.

9 min: "Yeah, but it's only perspective," he replies, "It doesn't matter where it is in the sky, or where you are in the world...it's never bigger than your thumb." Man, the extremely-attractive really can say whatever they want and get away with it, huh? But seriously, movie, I get it, you're gonna reference the moon later when they're apart, move on. "Where'd you learn that?" she asks, because he's so good-looking, that constitutes learning. "I dunno," he replies, "Somewhere..." Translation: Uhh, yeah, so I just made that shit up because as long as I'm stringing even vaguely relevant words together, I'm pretttty sure I'm gonna see you naked tonight.

10 min: How didn't I notice that Channing has a goatee-- nay, a "bro-tee?" It's the Ed Hardy shirt of facial hair.

12 min: So there's this guy and his kid and they're "practically family" with Savannah. It's really really unclear at this point if the kid's supposed to be CUTE or DISABLED. I just like to know if I'm laughing WITH someone or AT someone (I mean, I'm still gonna laugh). I'll say this, though: he's no Jae Head. That kid's got the lockdown on cute. If Jae Head and Bobb'e J. Thompson (little black kid in Role Models) teamed up, they'd make millions.

17 min: John's dad is showing Savannah his coins...which isn't a euphamism. "He had his coins and change purse just hangin' out there!"

22 min: Aaand they're already kissing in the rain (he went with, "Well, you scare me," which did the trick). You're better than this, Nicholas Sparks. Also, and this has Big Love written all over it, she doesn't smoke, curse, have sex, or drink. I'm gonna go ahead and make the joke that my friend C-Murder would make: "Yeah, that's because she looks like she has fetal alcohol syndrome."

23 min: John and Savannah falling in love montage...you know, John Savannah would be a cool name...and Savannah John would be a singer or BBQ joint...but separately, those names are crappy.

24 min: So fuck Jason Street then, I guess?

28 min: Hahaha, great ways to ruin a relationship-- call someone's dad autistic when he's not. "Are you calling my dad retarded?" John yells. P.S. The little boy IS autistic.

30 min: Nice! John just went all G.I. Joe on the beach and punched a bunch of people. To be fair, it's easy to confuse guys on a beach with Cobra Commander.

32 min: It's gonna be really funny if his dad actually is autistic and went undiagnosed. That would mean that someone dated, married, and had a kid with an autistic guy and never thought somethin' might be up.

34 min: "Dear John..." (THAT'S THE NAME OF THE MOVIE!!!) "That's all it took. That's all it took to fall in love with you. Now we have a year apart. But what's a year apart when we had two weeks like that together." Two weeks!? I'm not sayin' I watched The Real World this season, but Savannah shouldn't be making the same mistakes Sahar did with Pablo. Don't judge me like that-- I'm researching a role called Seven Tweens Again, where seven people in their late 20's magically turn back into tweens and have to fit in. I'm a method actor.

38 min: They're writing a lot to each other, but c'mon, how necessary is an extended "how letters travel" sequence? It's mail, I get it. How come this dude is getting mail in war ravaged, zero-infrastructure countries, but two Netflix DVDs and a postcard have failed to get to me in Brooklyn?

40 min: "I wanna open up a horse-riding summer camp for autistic kids." Hold on. Brain hurting. I know there's a joke somewhere...ah, I'll get back to you on that one.

41 min: Boom! "But there's a full moon here tonight, blah blah blah, same size moon," writes John and cut to Savannah sticking her damn thumb at the moon.

46 min: Whoah. First time I've seen a "reaction to 9/11" scene in a movie. It's weird, because I'm pretty sure the movie wants our reaction to be, "Oh man-- this SUUUUCKS for John and Savannah!" Is 2001 considered a period piece yet?

50 min: John gets to be home with his Dad and Savannah for 16 hours. His dad goes all, "Wapner at five," and freaks out because he's not eating meatloaf on Saturday...but that could be anything! Toootally not severe autism.

52 min: By the way, they live in Charleston, South Carolina. Isn't naming your kid Savannah when you live in the south like wearing the t-shirt of the band you're going to see?

59 min: No matter how many layers he's wearing, you should always bet that Channing Tatum is wearing a wifebeater....do we still call those that? Also, they're doin' it and she's got her tatums out. Zippy chance she's on birth control. One and done, Channing, you're gonna be a papa.

62 min: John re-ups because of 9/11, which isn't nearly as big a dealbreaker for their relationship as the fact that I she's been writing all the letters in cursive. Are you freakin' kidding me??

64 min: I've never seen a movie with so many guns and so little action.

67 min: "Dear John..." OH SHIT! The first time was a movie title fake out! "...I know it's been too long since I wrote you..." the entendre's just waiting to be doubled! "...please forgive me for what I'm about to say..." Ohhhh snap! Now THAT'S A DEAR JOHN LETTER! RIGHT?! Aha-ha-ha-ha-ahhhhh FML.

72 min: John just got shot up in Iraq. He wakes up in a hospital. "Welcome back, Seargent Tyree. Rest easy, ok? You're in a hospital in Germany, and you're going to be just fine." Right. Because German hospitals have always been a bastion of comfort and safety...
....
....
....that was a nazi doctor joke.

75 min: John decides not to go home, but to stay in the army. "America, fuck yeah," montage for a bunch of years and then, "We're sending you home, John. This movie's not gonna have an arc all by itself."

78 min: John's dad is in bad shape and in the hospital. John gives him a letter that he wrote to him. Letters are kind of a thing in this movie. Did you guys have the Letter People in kindergarten? We did. "S" was for "Super Socks." Mr. S thought he was soooo coooool, but I got news for ya...he wasn't. WATCH THE VIDEO!

80 min: If ya ever want to make your life feel longer, watch this movie. Time basically stops.

87 min: He goes and sees Savannah. She's at her autistic horse camp (the horses aren't autistic), "Camp Horse Sense." He says, "You finally did it, huh?" Finally? Dude-- she's like 26! I'm 28 and ya know what I've started? A BLOG.

88 min: Hehehehehehe, turns out, "No. I tried. It only lasted one summer. It was expensive." Man, she didn't start anything! Meanwhile, you know what I've had for five years? A BLOG!

90 min: OHHHHH-HO-HO-HO-HO SHEEEEIT! Savannah's married to the dad with the autistic kid. Don't worry though, he has lymphoma, so if John can just hang tight for a little while, I dunno, shoot some hoops, make another Step Up movie or something, he should be good to go in a little bit. Callous, Nicholas Sparks. With cancer, the guy looks JUST like Jim Carrey, though, so he's got that goin' for him...

94 min: She couldn't call him to tell him it was over because, "If I heard your voice, I knew I'd change my mind." Nicholas Sparks is all about love-postponed. I bet if we were roommates and I was like, "Yo, wanna get pizza?" he'd be all, "Eh, let's get it later."

98 min: She wants him to say he loves her, instead he says goodbye. He sells his Dad's coin collection-- oh, his dad died by the way, whoops-- and gives the money anonymously to Savannah so she can pay some cancer bills and keep her husband around a little longer.
...
...
...but then he dies and John comes back to her.

100 min: They hug. Fade to black. Roll credits under a painfully sentimental duet. There were songs in this movie called "Excelsior Lady," and, "Let Her Gift Be Me." These are things they need to tell us sooner. There should be a warning on the DVD.

102 min: Moral of the story? God hates single fathers. Two of them died, one from complications related to autism, the other from cancer, meanwhile John extended his tour in the army for seven years, only got shot once, and got to come home to hook back up with Savannah. Ya can't coach good lookin'.

I'm Gonna Complete the "Dear John," "P.S. I Love You," Trilogy with "Cinc-erely Yours" and the Main Character is Going to Be Yours Davis, a Simple Farm Boy in Cincinnatti Who Can't Tell a Lie and Falls In Love with Cincinnati Reds Pitcher Aaron Harang,

Witz

Witz Flix: He's Just Not That Into You

2010-09-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

A Brief Interview with Witz:

Question: Are you really watching He's Just Not That Into You?
Answer: You bet I am.

Question: But didn't you already see it in theaters?
Answer: How do you know that?? Nevermind. Yes, I did, but I blocked it out.

Question: Why would you subject yourself to it again?
Answer: Why? Because I'm that dedicated. Because where there are bad films, there must be Witz. Because Netflix needs its true hero. Everyone knows I'm Netflix's White Knight. Netflix needs a hero with a face--

Question: --Did you just start shoe-horning The Dark Knight quotes into your answer?
Answer: I did, yes.

Question: So...what's the real answer?
Answer: ...The girl I like asked me to.

Question: That makes more sense. One last question: Do you see any problem with the movie poster?
Answer: I do! Why do they italicize "not?" Shouldn't they italicize "that?" He's just not THAT into you. The point is that he's into you, just not THAT much. Not enough.

Question: How do you live with yourself?
Answer: Day by day.

And with that...

3 min: Yyyyick. Margene from Big Love (Gigi in this) is on a date with Eric from Entourage. This vignette should be called, "He's Just As Awful As You."

4 min: E doesn't care about Gigi, but wants to bang Scarlett Johannson...obviously. Since she's not interested in getting in bed with the Lucky Charms leprechaun, she's gonna end up sleeping with Bradley Cooper who she just met at the supermarket. This is a great time for me to ask this question: WHY do girls like Eric on Entourage and WHEN did everyone decide Bradley Cooper was funny? Whenever I ask girls the latter, I always get a response that boils down to a monosyllabic, "Abs."

6 min: This really is painful. Scarlett just won a cooler in the checkout line at a supermarket and gets super excited about it, saying "I've never won anything before! This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me!" and hugs Bradley Cooper. I'm thinkin' that she wins something every month when she finds out she isn't pregnant.

7 min: Justin Long knows everything about girls. I knew those Mac commercials would pigeon-hole him as a smug son-of-a-bitch.

9 min: Ben Affleck's in this movie-- that guy ONLY makes good decisions. His character is dating Jennifer Aniston, but won’t marry her. He says it’s because he doesn’t believe in marriage, but I’m pretty sure it’s because he saw her in The Bounty Hunter.

12 min: Jennifer Connelly! Last time I saw her in a movie, she was in a very uncomfortable place-- and I don't mean the back of a Volkswagen.

16 min: Gigi is freaking out because Eric isn't calling her after the two of them had whatever the complete opposite of chemistry is on their first date.

17 min: I just realized that this movie is for girls, but is also about girls being dumb. The punch line to most of these jokes is, "Hahaha, us girls are STUPID."

20 min: "If a guy says he doesn't give a shit-- he really doesn't give a shit." Man...Justin Long got really jaded once Ed was canceled.

25 min: Enter Drew Barrymore. She looks like she’s been on at least 50 First Dates and is very upset about dating these days. Scarlett Johansson is asking her for advice, which is like a tank of gasoline asking which match looks safest to light.

27 min: Scarlett's rejected by married Bradley Cooper, so she flees back to Eric, who compliments her and then clings to her like she's his bafflingly overly-successful career when she hugs him.

("One of these things is not like the other one...")

32 min: It can't be good when you've been told one of the clichés that two sassy black women are talking about in He's Just Not That Into You as ways men breakup with women. And by “you” I mean, “me.”

33 min: Bradley Cooper's married to Jennifer Connelly, by the way. If they have a baby, it will be like a solar eclipse, where you can’t look directly at it, but instead will have to look through a hole in a piece of paper. That’s right—I think solar eclipses are TOO attractive to look at.

36 min: Oh man, this movie just dated itself (pun mildly intended): "My trampy little sister says Myspace is the new booty call." Let’s be honest though, who knew Facebook was gonna win that battle?* With Facebook at the top and Myspace in the dumps, where does that leave Friendster-- just blowin' dudes in the alley behind Jack In the Box?

38 min: First, I saw the "Domino Sugar" sign and now they said Baltimore. Why is this movie set in BALTIMORE? That’s everyone’s problem, right there. Move out of Baltimore! “I never meet any nice guys in Hamsterdam…”

45 min: Gigi met some guy at a happy hour, he asked for her card, she gave him hers, and now Justin Long is saying that the guy isn't into her, which is true, but I don't get it. Why did he ask for her card and give her his? Does he feel bad that he doesn't like her, but wants to enter her in a free lunch raffle to make up for it? Was he just so excited to have a business card that he wanted everyone to see?

46 min: If you ever wanna see Bradley Cooper's "rape face," go ahead and checkout minute 46, second 31 of this movie. Also, feel free to use "Rape Face" as the name of your next metal band.

48 min: Scarlett says, "Am I supposed to not be friends with a guy just because he's married? Or has an insane smile? Or an ass that makes me want to dry hump?" So much to discuss here: first of all, stop that; don't be a whore. Second, he LITERALLY has an insane smile. She smiled at him in a way that said, "I want to bang you," and he smiled in a way that said, "I bet I could fit your head in a hat box." Finally, I don't follow the ass and dry humping. Is she gonna hump HIS ass? Does she want to stand there while he backs that azz up against her? Or do good asses just make her want to rub up against jeans and zippers? I'm lost. Will this make sense to me when I'm older?

51 min: Things I'll never say to a girl I'm kissing: "Back atcha, sister."

53 min: Hahaha, alright, you know I give credit when credit is due:

Gigi: So what, now I'm just supposed to run from every guy who doesn't actually like me?
Justin Long: Uh, yeah.
Gigi: But there's not gonna be anyone left...

57 min: We're not even halfway done with this movie. Yowzah.

60 min: Justin Long is giving up all of guys' alleged dating secrets. Makes me wonder what happened to that masked magician on Fox a bunch of years back. From what I gather, the Magician’s Guild is like the Mafia, but are even better at making bodies disappear.

62 min: Luis Guzman is killin' it! I don't care if it's Old Dogs or this movie or John From Cincinnatti, the man does good work. He's like the Hispanic Seth Green.**

Jennifer Connelly: I can't have someone lying to me, to my face, under my roof, on my time.
Luis Guzman: ...That's a lot of prepositions...

68 min: "I am SO into you," Bradley Cooper tells Scarlett. Oh, so now we're emphasizing the right words? Save it for the sequel, Cooper. And WHEN are they gonna say the titular (he he he) line??

73 min: Ya know what's really bringing different ethnicities together? Cliché gay stereotypes. Drew Barrymore works with a gay black guy, a gay asian guy, and a gay white guy...and they're all the exact same painful stereotype.

74 min: All of the guys want Drew to check her voicemail at home, so they’re like, “phone home.” She’s doesn’t want to and is like, “Look, it’s not like I’ve Never Been Kissed…I mean, I’ve been Riding In Cars with Boys and, seriously, Everybody’s Fine, but Everyone Says I Love You and all the Best Men are taken, and, I dunno Home Fries, ever since Freddy Got Fingered I’m like, Lucky You, but I’ve been reaching a Fever Pitch with this love thing and maybe it’s just time I Whip It and leave Boys On the Side because I don’t know if any relationship I ever have is Going the Distance—sometimes it makes me wanna Scream, because let’s be honest, it’s getting to be some Grey Gardens down there and maybe these are just Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, but it’s like, even with all this Wishful Thinking, Everybody Loves Whales, but nobody loves ME!”

76 min: Jennifer Connelly has aged well-- just like, she looks like she has her shit together. Anyway, Cooper tells her that he slept with Scarlett. She's pissed and hurt, but doesn't want to throw away the marriage.

80 min: Kris Kristofferson is a class act.

82 min: WTF!? Kris Kristofferson just collapsed with a heart attack! This is like when I pick someone I like on Top Chef and they're immediately kicked off the show!

87 min: Gigi thinks that Justin Long is giving her signals. She makes a move at the end of his party and he rejects her and is all, "I'm just not into you to the degree that you want me to be into you." WHEN ARE THEY GONNA SAY IT!?? The suspense is killing me!

88 min: She tells him that she'd rather be the way she is than the way he is: cold and far from love. He stands there stunned, looking like someone just told him how fucking expensive Macs are.

93 min: Scarlett and Bradley are gonna bone in his office. Is this the movie where Scarlett gives up the tots? I would remember if Scarlett got naked, right? Jennifer Connelly shows up and Scarlett hides in the closet. Now JENNIFER wants to bone in his office! I bet Saving The Marriage Sex is craaaazy. Scarlett leaves the closet like an abused puppy when it's over. No tots.

96 min: Justin Long realizes he's just that into Gigi. It's unclear if he realizes that his face looks like that of an animated horse.

101 min: Aniston is taking care of a house of awful men (House of Awful Men should be a show on E!). Ben Affleck shows up and washes dishes to win her back. Man…she must really be special to go to such lengths….

105 min: J-Con finds Bradley Cooper's pack of cigarettes that he swore he didn't smoke anymore. She finally loses her shit and throws him and his stuff out of the house.

110 min: Wow, Eric's out of his G-D mind. Scarlett just limped back into his life because things didn't work out with Cooper, and the next day, he shows her a house he wants to buy in the hopes that she may someday soon move in with him and have it be theirs. Ya know what he should have bought instead of a house? A personality. Writers keep forgetting to make him remotely likeable.

113 min: Gigi just went on a date with Justin Long's Friend, a dude who looks like a third-string Kyle McLachlan, so...yeesh. He drops her off at her apartment and then there’s another knock on the door— BUT it’s Justin Long. Classic misdirection, movie. But wouldn't Justin Long and his friend have passed each other in the hallway? Was that not weird?

115 min: Justin Long and Gigi kiss. Blam! Affleck proposes to Aniston. Pow! The moral of the story? Keep being stupid, it might work out. Or is it that Justin Long is full of shit? Nope, it's never ever ever watch He's Just Not That Into You. SPEAKING OF WHICH, they never said it! I was waiting the whole damn movie for someone to say, "Look-- he's just not that into you!" at which point I was ready to jump up and break into applause like all those USA World Cup goal vs. Algeria reaction videos.

".............He's just not that into you..."

...I Mean, He Might Be, What the Hell Do I Know?,
Witz

*I'm legitimately excited to see The Social Network. Written by Aaron Sorkin, directed by David Fincher, and music by Trent Reznor? Sold.

**I am absolutely positive nobody has ever said that before and nobody ever will again.

Witz Pickz: In-Flight Entertainment

2010-09-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm 30,000 feet in the air, somewhere over Colorado, and I've hit that point in the six hour flight where I slowly regress to age six and want to whine things like, "I'm hungry, I'm antsy, I'm BOOORED!" In other words, Witz Pickz is about to get a whole lot sassier (read: crankier).

(frustrated little Witz)

Lemme put this rhetorical out there and see what you think: WHO. THE FUCK. DOESN'T KNOW THE PLANE RULES BY NOW? It's 2010, nearly a decade since, "no liquids, 3 oz containers, and take your shoes off." Granted, I've had both the need and fortunate circumstances to fly a lot since 2001 and consider myself something of a pro. I know my carry ons fit, I have my ID and boarding pass ready, and by the time I get to the x-ray machine, I have my laptop out, my shoes off, and my belt undone-- which in any other situation will get you a great view of the inside of a cop car. STILL. Doesn't everyone know the protocol by now?

The last time I flew, I saw a guy standing in the security line, working on a Big Gulp, suddenly shout, "Wait, what?! Are you kidding me, I can't bring my drink through security?? Since when??" I wanted to tell him, "Since shut up, sir. Since shut up."

Today, I stood there, hearing my plane being boarded, while the woman in front of me pulled one bottle of liquid after another out of her bag, like some sort of clown car act. Just full bottles of shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer, perfume, hand soap, hair gel, it was hilarious and infuriating at the same time. It was almost made worth it when the security woman turned to me and said, "How the SHIT don't she know 'bout this by now? My Jesus!" well within earshot of the offender, to which I replied, "That's about what I was thinking..." and we shared a laugh, her laugh meaning, "The shit I have to deal with," and my laugh meaning, "See? I'm not a terrorist, please let me through security."

I slept for the first few hours of the flight and am now hungry, antsy, and bored. Fortunately, as I'm flying Virgin America, they serve meals on the plane, right? Kinda. My legitimate options are the NY Pastrami Sandwich or the Japanese Eggplant Sandwich. I've never had pastrami in my life, so it ain't happenin' on an airplane. The eggplant sounds good, but it also sounds like I might be running a Solo 4x4 relay to the bathroom for the remainder of the flight if anything goes awry. There is a tapas plate:

"Start with artisan brie, aged cheddar, and Swiss. Then, dip handcut zucchini, etc, etc, in our roasted tomato and herb hummus. Finish it off with sweet green grapes and dried figs."

First of all, we capitalize Swiss cheese? I didn't realize it had citizenship. I must have skipped out on the "proper vs. common cheeses" day of grammar in third grade. Secondly, I'm ok with the zucchini no matter how it's cut. And why specify? Is that the only part of the meal that's handcut? Are they just mass producing Virgin America Tapas Plates, sending logs of cheese through industrial machinery, and then there are people hand chopping zucchini?

"What's the hold up on those tapas plates? We're running way behind schedule!"
"It's the damn zucchini-- we simply can't handchop it fast enough!"

Finally, how about I eat your nine dollar tapas plate in whatever order I want? It's cheese, veggies, and fruit, not salad, steak, and chocolate mousse. You don't have to walk me through the experience, I get it.

Antsy. Not much you can do about that on a plane. When I'm particularly desperate, sometimes I'll wish I had a baby, because that's the only way it's socially acceptable to walk up and down the plane aisle, obviously lulling the kid to sleep. It's kinda the same as when I wish I smoked cigarettes, so that I could go outside with people or take a break from whatever I'm doing*-- having either one is a bad idea, but they might be nice every now and then.

Bored. I slept for a few hours, I read for a bit, and now I'm writing this. Virgin has in-flight satellite tv, but it turns out that daytime television is just as bad on a plane as it is in a living room. I could rent and watch a movie, but the only one of any interest is Sex and the City 2 so I can write about it here, but that's going to lead to, at the very least, the woman and the girl next to me seeing that I'm watching Sex and the City 2, to which my only defense is saying the words, "I'm only watching it for my blog," out loud.

As I just paused to consider what to do, it occurred to me that I'm hunched over my laptop in a cramped airplane seat, typing furiously and eating the last of the trek mix I brought with me like a squirrel that's positive there's no Winter worth saving for. I definitely look like an insane person. I suppose I'll read some more, or try sleeping, or make up some games to play. The woman behind me has been laughing her ass off and I haven't looked at her yet to try and figure out what she's watching. Given the options, it's a dead heat between Date Night and Death At a Funeral. Or maybe I'll watch House with the woman next to me on her screen and occasionally say too loudly, "That would NEVER happen in real life!" Or maybe I'll snag someone's baby, walk up the aisle, tamper with a bathroom smoke detector, and take a cigarette break. WHAT?? Abducting children and smoking on airplanes is illegal? SINCE WHEN???

So Fly,
Witz

*obviously, I'm referring to times in the past here.

Witz Pickz: Maine Vacation

2010-09-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

My apologies for the far and few between; I simply haven't been embarrassing myself the way I used to. Having said that...

...Every summer since I was born, my family has taken a vacation to Maine. I think it began as a pleasant thought, turned into a family routine, evolved into a yearly disaster, and has since become simply, "What we do." Growing up, I have, allegedly, ruined upwards of eleven (a vacationer's dozen) of these so called vacations, but if you ask me, my parents were the ones who ruined the vacations by choosing Maine in the first place, especially after they went so poorly.

I mean, Maine calls itself "Vacationland." How desperate is that? You know what Hawaii calls itself? "The Aloha State," because they're like, "What up!", "See you later!" "Whatever!" You're arriving, you're leaving, it doesn't matter to them-- they're always gonna be in Hawaii. I don't even know how Maine became "Vacationland." Just because you were the last state draft dodgers entered before slipping into Canada, doesn't mean they were on vacation. That's like if Harriet Tubman was on The Underground Cruise Ship.*

The point is, last month I found myself once again lying on the hot sandy beaches and penguin dick freezing waters of Maine with my family. This time, however, I was there for three days, had my own car, and my sister was mixing daiquiries. Which is where the fun started:

My Grandma is a four-foot-ten, golf winnin', tennis playin', fully functional, eighty-two year old woman. She has "idears," and eats "begels." She'll play you in paddle ball, shame you for hitting one too low, and then promptly laugh gleefully as she slams the ball down on your side of the sand court, sending you running across the beach to go retrieve the ball as she cries, "My point!"

GRANDMA: Whattya makin'?
SWITZ (my sister): Daiquiries.
GRANDMA: Whaaat?
SWITZ: Daiquiris, you'll like them.
GRANDMA: I never heard of them...what's in 'em?
SWITZ: Strawberries, coconut rum, pinapple juice, ice...
GRANDMA: Ohhhhh, DYKE-ERIES!
SWITZ: Ummm...no.
GRANDMA: Yeah, dyke-eries. Rini and I have those in Mexico.
SWITZ: Grandma, they're called daiquiries.
GRANDMA: Whaaat? Dyke-eries!
MOM: Maybe if you're drinking them in a lesbian bar, Ma-- otherwise, she's right.
GRANDMA: And how do you say it??
SWITZ: Daiquiris!
GRANDMA:.....
SWITZ:......
GRANDMA: Nah, that doesn't sound right.

Earlier, my Grandma had been reading a terrible romance/thriller that she found lying around the house. She was disgusted, not by the content, but by the stupidity of the characters. Each of us sat listening for a solid ten minutes as she went through the plot so far. There was a politician and his wife, she met a guy, but she didn't want to cheat on the husband, but: "Get this-- he's a homosexual!" and then finally she goes out on a boat with the other guy, which is when my grandma came the closest she's ever come to saying the word "sex" in front of me.

GRANDMA: Then she goes on the boat with him and THEN-- Ha! Then, they have fun.
ME: Uh-huh.
GRANDMA: Like FUN fun, know what I mean??
ME: I do. I do know what you mean.
GRANDMA: But she loves this guy and her husband's been ignoring her, and she doesn't love him, but get this-- she doesn't know if she wants a divooorce. What a dummy!

Laughing, I turned on the TV, revealing a show I had never actually laughed at: Two and a Half Men. Who the hell is watching Two and A Half Men? Turns out, it's folks like my Grandma:

CHARLIE SHEEN(answering phone): Hello? Oh, hi mom. One second—- Get the door!
GRANDMA: Hehe, she’s at the door. Hehehe.
Someone opens the door and his mom is there.
GRANDMA: Hehehe.

Oh boy. Finally, thanks to daiquiries and a little game called Catch Phrase, I managed to embarrass myself:

For those of you not familiar with the game, Catch Phrase is a game where you give a partner clues and they have to guess what the word or phrase is before time runs out. I knew I was in trouble when my sister was my partner and I had to get her to say the phrase, "Go Whole Hog." My giggling wasted what little precious time we had left, leaving me with no other option than to give the clue, "If I appeared to be only attempting to eat half of a pig, but you wanted me to eat the entire pig, you would shout....." Shockingly, she didn't get it in time.

One round and another drink later, I was partners with my mom. Before I tell you what I shouted, it's important you know the clues I was given.

MOM: Two words.
WITZ: Ok.
MOM: Not shallow.
WITZ: Deep.
MOM: You have two of these in your pants!
WITZ: BALLS! BALLS DEEP!

Yep. I shouted "Balls deep!" at my mom.

WITZ: Er-- deep...balls. Deep Balls?? (BUZZER)
MOM: Noooo! (laughing) Pockets! Deep pockets!

Laughing and blushing, I tried to blame my mom:

WITZ: What?? Those aren't IN my pants, those are ON my pants! AND I have four of them!

But let's be honest, there's not really any coming back from that. Yet, despite it all, Vacationland was not a bust, I didn't ruin the trip, and we all agreed, like a group of Jews on Passover, knowing full well they'd be right where they were again, "Next year in Hawaii..."

More Like VacationBLAND,
Witz

*Yep, I went from Maine to an Underground Railroad joke in one step-- I'm getting really good at this...

P.S. On my drive up to Maine, I hit this AWESOME ODOMETER READING! Did I pull my car dangerously off the highway so I could take a picture of it without the speedometer needle blocking the shot, while my sister looked at me with a mixture of pity and understanding? You bet I did.

Witz Flix: Valentine's Day

2010-08-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've only watched the previews and already I'm concerned for my well-being over the next two hours. "Sex and the City 2: Stoned In Abu Dhabi" kicked it off, which was like a preview for you all, too, because we all know I'll have to write about that one. A couple previews later, there was an inexplicably long preview for Doctor Zhivago (not a new one or anything, just the original), and then an ad for The Bachelor/Bachelorette VIDEO GAME. I can't even imagine what level of sad and removed you have to be to play that game, but if your character doesn't find love at the end of it, I have to assume you just kill yourself. Speaking of killing yourself, let's start the movie!

30 seconds: Nooooo! The movie just started and they've already given the final death blow to that Michael Franti & Spearhead song, "Say Hey" that I used to really like.

1 minute: There are so many famous names in this movie, and yet, we begin with Ashton Kutcher. He's with Jessica Alba and says, "My dad said...if you're ever with a girl who's too good for you, ask her to marry you," and pulls out a ring, concluding, "so..." and I fully expect him to conclude, "Do you think your middle-aged mom will like this ring I got for her," but instead he proposes to Jessica.

2 min: Can you really propose on Valentine's Day still? Doesn't seem very creative. I mean, isn't that just some kind of cheap ploy to turn two celebration dinners into one? When I propose, I'm gonna surprise the hell out of the girl, and be like, "I'll always remember 9/11...because it's the day I asked you to marry me!!"

4 min: Hahahaha, they just cut from Ashton Kutcher to George Lopez's face. Best joke of the movie.

5 min: Jamie Foxx is here. How has he not purchased a third or fourth x yet? He's a sports journalist...it's unclear at this moment what matters. Kathy Bates is here, but I doubt she's gonna torture the people I want her to torture in this one...

7 min: Here's the thing: this movie has tons of famous people in it...so it can't be my fault that when I saw a middle-aged asian man, it took me a few minutes to realize it wasn't Jackie Chan, right?

9 min: McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy is with Jennifer Garner. Yep, I used to watch Grey's Anatomy, ladies.

11 min: Topher Grace is alive! And banging Anne Hathaway?? Did they ever make a porn called "The Devil Wears Nada?" Also, she's a phone sex operator (is that still what they call that?), so that's somethin'.

(Uh, yup, they did...)

15 min: Really, movie? This kid is living with his grandparents it appears because his parents died and the grandma says, "This is a tough day for him...they used to make valentines together." Shut up.

16 min: Rut-roh, Taylor Swift is trying to act. It's terrible, but also she's actually funny. Weird.

20 min: Oh snap. McDreamy has a wife and kids that Garner doesn't know about. Forced Character Trait of the Year Award goes to: McDreamy for juggling apples, thus allowing his wife to say, "Doesn't Daddy juggle well?" That's a long way to go for one joke.

21 min: Bradley Cooper's on a plane with Julia Roberts, who is wearing a military uniform. All part of her next film, "Eat, Pray, Love, Kill, KILL, KILL!" She's been gone for eleven months and she didn't even cut her hair for the role-- this movie just lost credibility.

22 min: Man, Jessica Alba's really come a long way from those flagrant behind the ass while swimming shots in Into the Blue.

24 min: The orphan kid is talking about love with his grandpa. He has all these lay-up adorable lines, but can't manage to pull off cute. It's like "The Good Son" all over again.

28 min: I can't believe I'm admitting to this, but...Valentine's Day is stealing my shit. First, they called Topher Grace a "hoosier-head." Is that something people say? Because, I've been randomly saying, "What a hoosier," for no apparent reason the last few years. THEN, Anne Hathaway is an assistant to Queen Latifah, who says, "My name's Paula. I know they call me BiPaula Paula." (Why don't they just call her BiPaula?) My sister and I were making up AIM screennames for my dad (Paul) a while back and one of our top picks was "BiPaular!"*

29 min: Wait, what? Now that other McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy is here. He's an aging football player waiting for a new contract AND his publicist is Jessica Biel (who's doing slapstick comedy...FINALLY!). You can't have both Grey's dudes AND both Jessicas in the same movie. Stephen Hawking talked about this.

34 min: Taylor Swift is dating Taylor Lautner. Tweens around the nation begin spontaneously exploding.

36 min: Julia Roberts is really good at reading people. She can tell that Bradley Cooper is serious, but not committed, he's kind, but wants to be needed, and he has a problem with romance and Valentine's Day. That's amazing-- too bad she's still gonna get shot up when she can't hop over a wall...she could have at least tried to get buff for this role.

37 min: "Valentine's Day was a day when there was a massacre in Chicago and they killed everybody and put a curse on the Chicago Cubs!" a little kid says in school. I gotta give 'em the good jokes, occasionally. Fair and balanced coverage.

40 min: These two high school kids are meeting at lunch to have sex for the first time. The guy's friend drops him off and drives away. Is that really necessary? He should really be like, "Alright, once around the block oughta do the trick." Does he know he's missing grilled cheese day??

48 min: McDreamy buys two bouquets from Ashton Kutcher: one for his wife and one for Jennifer Garner, who is friends with Ashton Kutcher. Seriously? You have to show what a dick you are to the florist? You can't go to TWO different places? Ashton doesn't know if he should tell her or not...right, because things will probably workout with Jennifer and McDouchy in the long run.

54 min: Alba's taking back her proposal acceptance and is breaking up with Ashton. He immediately gets drunk and signs on for another Butterfly Effect sequel. He also decides he has to tell Jennifer Garner about her married boyfriend. This movie could win some points if everyone ends up alone.

(There are THREE!)

56 min: Shit. Ashton's gonna realize he's in love with Jennifer Garner, isn't he?

60 min: Christ.

61 min: WHOOOOOAH! What. Just. Happened? Ashton's going through security, it's taking too long, so he bails and runs away without his shoes, at which point...wait for it....a mentally challenged girl in a wheelchair shouts, "The man left his shoes! Mister, the man left his shoes!" How was that written in the script? Was someone like, "Yeah, and then Ashton will run off and a retarded girl will shout about it, it'll be hilarious." I'm totally gonna find out that girl is someone's relative who's life was made by getting to be in a movie, aren't I?

63 min: How is Seth Green not in this movie? New business venture: Film Seth Green with a green screen (no relation) behind him, so you can buy DVD versions of movies with him superimposed.

64 min: Just realized Jessica Alba's character is named Morley. Wha--...why?? I can't even fathom how many "Morley & Me" jokes I'd make if I knew them.

66 min: That little orphan kid is asked by the girl he has a crush on if he wants to warm up on the sideline of his soccer game. This is how he warms up: She throws the ball to him, he catches it, throws it up and heads it to her...then she catches it and throws it back to him. I'm guessing this is why they aren't starting.

70 min: Has it been seventy minutes already....?

71 min: Taylor Swift is owning this movie right now. When is Taylor Lautner turning into a wolf and killing everyone?

72 min: "Today's a lot of pressure for anyone, let alone a little kid." That's...just not...accurate.

73 min: Sex At Lunch girl is telling the grandparents about how she had a bad day, was going to have sex for the first time, but didn't, and how she, "Wanted it to be magical and I'm realizing that it's hard to plan something to be magical, you know?" Yeah, maybe the lunch hour, sprinting home to a hopefully empty house sex just isn't the best plan...

77 min: Grandpa thinks he and Grandma only had sex with each other. Grandma flips out and reveals that she cheated on him a while back. This movie is like Valentine's Day's Revenge.

81 min: McSteamy calls a press conference and says that he's not retiring from football and also he's gay. The NFL is like, "Finally! Old gay dudes reppin' the league!"

85 min: Can we just assume something vaguely resembling plot is happening? I need a breather.

86 min: Touche. Just when you think you're out, Valentine's Day makes you laugh.

88 min: Reasonable question: Would anybody out there take life advice from George Lopez? Because Ashton is.

92 min: Did you know that Valentine's Day is the busiest day of the year for phone sex operators (adult phone entertainers)? That might be the saddest thing I've ever heard.

98 min: Jessica Biel is hosting an I Hate Valentine's Day Party...they must have gotten an advanced screening.

104 min: The orphan kid gives his flowers to Jennifer Garner (twist!). For a moment you kinda see her considering her options, as if she's on the game show, "Are You Smart Enough Not to Bang a Fifth Grader?" Then, she tells him he should go regift the flowers to that Indian girl he was with at soccer. It's kind of the perfect storm of Indian Giving.

105 min: Jennifer Garner either just had a House-like epiphany or she pooped herself. Fifty-fifty guess at this point.

(looked a lot like this)

106 min: You're a fool if you didn't think they could shoehorn choreographed Indian dancing into this movie.

107 min: Hey, how do you stop blood that's gushing from your eyes after you knifed them out?

110 min: Ohhhh snap! Bradley Cooper's gay and with McSteamy the football player. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "I'm part of the A-Team."

112 min: Why was Kathy Bates in this movie? Was it just foreshadowing that it was going to be "misery"?

114 min: Jennifer Garner and Ashton finally makeout. I like imagining Ben Affleck off to the side seething, partially because Ashton's kissing his girl, but also because he made "Reindeer Games."

116 min: Whaaa? Little orphan kid isn't an orphan! His mom is Julia Roberts. How dare you sap my empathy, movie. Shame on you.

118 min: And the movie's over....well, I guess at least-- OHHHHH! OUTTAKES DURING THE CREDITS! I love outtakes-- I don't care what movie they're from. The two Taylors say they know it's confusing that their names are the same, Julia Roberts references Pretty Woman (I think), and that dang Ashton Kutcher can't seem to get the van seatbelt to work. SIGH. If this movie had just been a documentary ABOUT the making of Valentine's Day, with outtakes and people making fun of themselves, it would have been infinitely superior. No, but seriously folks, how do you stop the eye blood?

Valentine's Day Still Got 12% Higher Ratings Than Old Dogs,
Witz

*Some others included: PaulMyFinger, ItsAPaulWorld, Paulitical, ThePaulidayInn, Paultergeist, Paultergeist2, YourPenPaul, CarpaulTunnelSyndrome, ForeignPaulicy, ThePaulerExpress, ExitPaul, LiveAtTheApaullo, ShockedAndAppaulled, IGoPaullistic, PaullisticMissiles, and AllergicToPaullen. I'm not telling you what we ended up with...you're not IMing with my dad.

Witz Flix: Old Dogs

2010-08-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

Old Dogs! I can't believe I forgot about Old Dogs!! The movie pulled a whopping 5% (FIVE PERCENT!!!) on Rotten Tomatoes, and stars Robin Williams, John Travolta, Seth Green, and Bernie Mac, in his final onscreen performance. As if that wasn't enough, it was nominated for 4 Razzie Awards including Worst Picture and Worst Actor: John Travolta. Just in case I wasn't already sold, this viewer review sealed it: "It doesn't measure up to 'Three Men and a Baby', which took this theme, and made a snappy film over twenty years ago and had a hit." IT DOESN'T MEASURE UP TO THREE MEN AND A BABY. Time to watch.

For those of you eager to watch at home, you can watch Old Dogs through Netflix streaming thanks to "Starz Play"-- Starz is basically the .99 cent store of subscription channels. Every now and then, you find a good deal on sunglasses, but mostly it's a big pile of dead batteries.

1 min: Did I mention this movie is made by the same people who made Wild Hogs?? Were they trying to re-use the letters from the marquee?

2 min: Robin Williams and John Travolta's characters have been best friends since childhood and run a marketing firm together. Williams is the quieter, introverted one and Travolta is the massive douchehound-- it's like Sideways, but reeking of desperation. In other news, Robin Williams has fully transitioned to an old lesbian.

3 min: So Robin Williams couldn't run eight feet because of his knees, but then he drills a soccer ball from 30 yards and hits some kid in the face? SOMEBODY write imdb and report a "Goof"!

4 min: Becky Katsopolis (aka Aunt Becky aka Lori Loughlin) is back! And yes, she's still hot.

6 min: Seth Green's gonna save this movie. I love him, but every time he does a movie like this I think, "Man, Seth Green walked away from Idle Hands with zero life lessons." Then again, he's kinda killin' it.

10 min: Robin Williams was in Good Morning Vietname at one point in his career.

13 min: Here's the rundown: Williams had a wife, they got divorced, then had a crazy night in Miami where he met a woman, married her, woke up hungover and got it annulled-- it's unclear if they had any marital sex or annul sex. Now, seven years later, the 2nd "wife" has contacted him. SO...

14 min: ...he goes to a tanning salon, gets way too tan, and comes out looking very dark. He's stared down angrily by a black woman, spoken to in Hindi by an Indian man, asked directions in Spanish, and finally called an Oompa Loompa by a small child. Transitive Property says: Old Dogs thinks black people look like Oompa Loompas.

15 min: Dan (Robin Williams) meets Vicky (2nd "wife" played by Kelly Preston) and she calls him TAN instead of DAN! Thank goodness his name wasn't Tigger.

16 min: They go to dinner, Robin Williams acts like he just smoked a lot of meth, tweaking out and twitching because he's nervous. Two little kids suddenly run up to the table and shout, "Daddy!" at which point Robin Williams realizes the horrific quality of the movie and passes out at the table.

18 min: "First let's get rid of that tan-- I know a few family tricks that will take it right off." No, you don't. You just didn't want to run that Soul Man gag the rest of the movie.

19 min: This single mom must have done something right, because these kids are taking the existence and inclusion of their absentee father VERY well.

20 min: Oh my. Finally a scene that rivals The Time Traveler's Wife in molestiness: Robin Williams takes his newfound son to the men's room for the first time (which sounds like a euphamism), and stands inside the stall while the seven year old kid sits lackadaisically on the toilet. First of all, what kid says they have to go to the bathroom and then has time to just sit there doing nothing, and secondly, are parents supposed to stand inside the stall like a bodyguard because that's what Robin Williams is doing.

That's not the molesty part though-- the kid then asks him to explain where babies come from. If I walked into a men's room and saw a man standing inside a stall, telling a child where babies come from?? I would-- listen, to make sure I had the right info-- but then I would immediately knock on that stall and get some security involved.

22 min: So HERE'S our setup: The mom is going to jail for two weeks because she's some kind of eco-terrorist protestor type. Her friend, who was supposed to take care of them, just got her hands slammed in the trunk of a car by Robin Williams, which we, presumably, don't care about because the woman had a lazy eye (making her barely people). "Who am I going to get, that I trust, to take care of my kids for two weeks??" she asks in a panic. Why, the guy who knocked you up, annulled your drunk marriage and who you haven't seen in seven years and has no experience with children, of course!

23 min: More like "One Man and His Children."

24 min: Travolta's gettin' roped into it. Fine. "Two Men and Some Children." (Yikes).

25 min: Aw, shit, I just laughed at a joke in Old Dogs. Whatever. "My grandkids call me NUB NUB!!" is obviously a good and well delivered line...

28 min: Amy Sedaris lives in Robin Williams' condo complex. In related news, Strangers With Candy still isn't funny, I don't care what anyone says.

30 min: Travolta's doing some kind of "white guy impersonating a gangsta black guy" impression, but it's as if he saw a comedian do that and is now doing a "comedian doing an impression of a white guy impersonating a gangsta black guy," impression. It's embarrassing.

31 min: I don't like it when people say, "They're the original odd couple." No, they're not, The Odd Couple was the original odd couple. Well, maybe Jesus & Judas...but otherwise it was The Odd Couple. Tell me you wouldn't watch a show called Jesus & Judas.

("Do work, son!")

Or better yet:

("This is the true story...of twelve apostles...picked to live near each other...to show what happens...when people stop being polite...and start getting real.")

32 min: Did you know Seth Green is 36? Did you know that John Travolta is married to Kelly Preston? Did you know that the daughter in this movie is their real daughter? Now you know everything.

33 min: Alright, fine, I'm ok laughing at some of these jokes, but if I come remotely close to getting choked up at any point, I'm heading straight to a therapist.

35 min: What...THE HELL...IS GOING ON?? First, Luis Guzman and Dax Shepard show up and now we're on a camping trip with Matt Dillon and Justin Long? Does Robin Williams still hold that much comedic sway even after RV, August Rush, License to Wed, Man of the Year, and his latest stand-up special?

40 min: I don't understand; why do camping and ultimate frisbee have to go together? Just because you like sleeping in the woods under the stars doesn't mean you don't know how to kick or throw a ball of some kind. Do you know why it's called "Ultimate" frisbee? Because that is the absolute most fun you can have with a frisbee. Stop trying to over sell your sport, it sounds desperate. Ya know what's better than Ultimate Frisbee? Regular Football.

45 min: The guys just took the wrong pills and are experiencing side effects. Nobody's gonna look good by my saying this but...this might be the best comedy performance Robin Williams has done in the last decade.

49 min: Sure, this is Old Dogs, but Seth Green's owning it.

50 min: Ya know, I think Christian Slater could show up at any moment and not only wouldn't I be the least bit surprised, but I'd be psyched. That goes for my every day life, too.

51 min: "You can't run a business if you can't get faxes on time!" What? Isn't that like saying, "I'll never get anything done without my pager!" or "Where will we store the images if not on a laser disc?"?

53 min: The highly-anticipated Bernie Mac! I'm sure he died content with the knowledge that his last onscreen performance came in the fifty-third minute of the movie-- nay-- the FILM, Old Dogs.

55 min: If I told you that Old Dogs needed to invent non-existent technology to fulfil its plot-line, would you believe me? Robin Williams is wearing "human puppet technology" that allows Travolta to remotely control his movements. Actually, I think my friend's girlfriend has that...

59 min: By the way, I'm assuming if you haven't seen Old Dogs, you absolutely do not give a shit what is taking place in the movie Old Dogs, so I'm not going into much plot detail.

62 min: "It's amazing. I left the kids with you out of desperation, but...now I couldn't have imagined doing it any differently." Thanks for the thematic recap. Even Old Dogs didn't think we've been paying attention to Old Dogs.

63 min: The kids have a list they call the "Dad List" which are a bunch of things they want to do with their dad. Now, Robin Williams is making a list. If you were wondering what the creepiest thing you could ever write down and underline is, the answer is, "Kids List."

70 min: Robin Williams bails on his big business deal to go be with his family and Travolta's going with him. Hey, these old dogs are learning new-- OHHHHHhhhh! That's stupid.

77 min: Travolta, Williams, and Seth Green are trying to sneak into the zoo to get to the kids' birthday party. They shoulda called this movie, "Two Men, Seth Green, and A Coupla Goddamn Kids."

80 min: Seth Green is being rocked to sleep by a gorilla. He's freaking out and repeating, "Just go to your happy place, just go to your happy place." Is it weird that my happy place would be getting rocked to sleep by a gorilla?

83 min: Aaaand Old Dogs clocks in at eighty-three minutes. Robin Williams and his family are gonna give it a go, Travolta's marrying Aunt Becky, and I can set down the Emergency Eye Gouging Spoon I've been holding all movie (as opposed to the No Need to Rush Eye Gouging Spoon?).

I'll leave you with this bit of trivia from IMDB: "The film was originally R-rated and was to be released by Touchstone Pictures, a branch of the Walt Disney company. However, due to poor test screenings, the film was heavily cut down from 107 minutes to 88 in order to achieve a PG rating. It was then distributed with the Walt Disney label in hopes of appealing to a more kid-friendly audience." I never had any interest in seeing Old Dogs, but now that I have, I would LOVE to see the original cut. Better yet, I'd like to take just that 20 minutes of cut footage and make a short out of it. I bet it'd be amazing.

Old Dogs Go to Heaven,
Witz

Witz DOESN'T Pick: The Sweat Life

2010-08-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

Let's kick this week off right for you all. Last week I promised you personal accounts of shame and embarrassment and that's exactly what I'm going to deliver.

A few weeks ago, it was 95 and humid in Brooklyn, an all too common combination this summer. The heat has been bad enough the last few months that both myself and many others I know have decided to wear primarily white and black shirts, with my logic being, "White and black don't show sweat." Despite the heat, I spent the early afternoon walking outside with my friend Jezter, feeling oddly comfortable, to the extent that I spoke the fateful words, "You know, it's actually NOT that hot out!"

A couple hours later, I was supposed to meet a girl a few blocks away and we were going to take the train together to Rockefeller Center to meet our mutual friends for coffee. Feeling confident in my white t-shirt and shorts, I strutted out of the air-conditioned apartment and into the heat.

Three blocks later, it began. Just a few drops on the front of my shirt; no big deal. Half a block later and I felt drops coming from my head. A few more drops on my face, a couple on my back, a couple more on my shirt. I had four blocks to go and I was sweating. The panic set in. You see, sweating is bad enough, but once you start sweating in public, you start to freak out about sweating in public which actually leads to MORE sweating. I think it's called a Mobius Fuck You, and it was happening to me. Another block and I was a disaster. Much like New Orleans, I was designed poorly, and the levees had very much broken.

It's important to note that I do not yet look like Teen Wolf. There's no doubt in my mind that in the next 50 years, my photos will play like a Devolution of Man Back to Ape chart, but I do not yet have the ubiquitous hair of my father. Nor am I overweight or chock full of salty fast food. I just have an extraordinarily high functioning, overachieving, cooling system. My sweat glands do not collect unemployment.

I ducked into a bagel shop and, wearing a pitiable face (and increasingly awkward t-shirt), asked if I could just have some napkins. "Oh damn, take some!" the woman responded, eyes-widening, and handed me a huge stack. I thanked her, left the shop and quickly went next door to an ATM bank. You see, I've always viewed my bank as sort of an embassy that I can get into for whatever I need, be it money, water, to avoid someone on the street, or a bathroom. "No public restrooms!" an employee might say, but I would simply respond, "No, no, my dear sir, it's OK. I'm a MEMBER of this bank!"

I stood in the room full of ATM's, basking in the frigid air-conditioning, wiped myself down with the napkins, and took stock of myself. I was soaked, embarassed, and had what could only be described as "water abs,"-- a band of water right across my middle. I could only imagine what my back looked like. I was a block away from this girl, fifteen minutes late, and looked like I'd just been on the business end of a super soaker fight. "Time to cut my losses and go home," I thought. Only, my friends were in town who I really wanted to see and hadn't seen in a long time. "Ok, time to go home, change shirts, and come back," I thought. Except, there was absolutely no reason why this exact same thing wouldn't happen again, and then I'd simply be 15 more minutes late. PLUS, if I did that, there was no going back. That's who I would be from then on. It was at this point that I took out my cell phone, so I could call my dad and berrate him for his shitty genetics.* Instead, I saw that I had a text: "What's your ETA?" I considered texting back, "Witz died, go on without him," but couldn't. It was time to be a man.

I left my embassy, no drier than before, and walked to our meeting point. When she looked up from her book, I saw the words, "Oh my!" escape her shocked eyes before they ever made it out of her mouth. I considered making a joke, saying something like, "That's the LAST time I save orphans from a typhoon!" but I simply said, "I know, I'm disgusting." She was cool, though, and we made some jokes, and she said something about getting me to a wet t-shirt competition and I said something about killing myself, and then the guy who was sitting nearby, who was ON THE PHONE AT THE TIME, stops talking on his cell to say, "Damn, boy!" while making eye-contact with me.

"I know, trust me," I said.
"Nah man, I looked like that yesterday," he continued.
"Oh yeah? Cool." I replied, feeling a little better.
"When it was RAINING!" he delivered, and cracked up. This man was ignoring whoever he was talking to on the phone to make fun of me.
"Yep, well, this is my plight," I said, taking ownership and then walking away.

We headed toward the subway, at which point I declared, "I need to buy a new shirt." This had been my plan since the ATM and I knew there was a Modell's on the way (I was literally like, "Fuck...I gotta go to Mo's"), which was great, because I only wear XXL Phat Farm and Fubu shirts... Taking longer than I needed, I sorted through the shirts I'd get my ass kicked for wearing and eventually found a five dollar white Russell Athletics t-shirt. Good old Russell Athletics, standing in the corner like a scared white boy, trying not to seem out of place while a Sean John rack sizes him up. I took it to the checkout counter.

"Just this please."
"Mmhm," she said, scanning it and handing me the shirt.
"Actually, could I have a bag?"
"Oh! I just figured you was puttin' it on!!"
"No, you're absolutely right," I laughed, "I need a bag for this gross shirt...but I love that you understand what's happening here," I added, which got a good laugh out of the generally apathetic staff, including the checkout girl.
"Have a good day," she laughed.
"It couldn't get much worse," I thought, as we strolled back out into the street...and that's when the homeless guy laughed at me.

Yep. A dreaded-hair, no shirt, bags for shoes, ratty pants, garbage bag o' stuff, burly, bearded homeless guy, walking slightly behind us, saw me, pointed and laughed mightily. I said, "Great. That homeless guy is making fun of me now," which caused my friend to turn around, which prompted him to point at me again and shout, "Daaaamn boooooy! Deeeeeaaaaaaaaaaammmmn!!"

(There's been a disproportionate number of WWF references lately...)

Feet firmly planted on rock bottom, and with my new t-shirt still in the bag, we went into the subway station right as our train was pulling away. I decided to hold off on changing shirts until AFTER we got out of the subway, since it's always much hotter down there. We waited. I paced a little, dripping sweat again in the stifling heat, and it occurred to me that white t-shirts DO, in fact, show sweat. By this point, I was comfortable with my translucence, except the subway platform actually contained good looking, non-sweating, genetically sound humans, who were giving me hesitant looks of concern. I began to worry that my shorts would get wet. If my shorts got wet, that was it-- game over, hop the track, lick the third-rail, goodbye Witz.

The train pulled up, bringing with it an amazing swoosh of cold air, and we hustled inside to the air-conditioning and onto a nice, cold seat. I slowly cooled down, stopped sweating, and maybe even (perchance to dream) started to dry off. This was when the train screeched to a halt between stations. "The train is stopped while we investigate something suspicious. Please be patient and we will resume service pending investigation."

"You're definitely the something suspicious," Pain In the Ash and nearly everyone else I've told this story to has remarked, which is absolutely accurate and hilarious, but thankfully, not the case. I was, however, getting nervous again. "PENDING INVESTIGATION??" How long does an investigation take and how much bureaucratic red tape was going to have to be waded through? How many months were we going to be on this train, and would it be long enough to turn into a reality tv series? Every minute we waited was another minute we were late to meet our friends, and that thought didn't calm me down or cool me off. The train lurched forward and a short while later, we were at Rockefeller Center, my friend dressed to fit in with contemporary fashion, and me looking like I just jumped double-dutch for an hour in the attic of a bakery.

We were meeting our friends in a Starbucks, so I decided to change my shirt in their bathroom once we got there, but you already know deep down how well that worked out, right? Because, this particular Starbucks was inexplicably attached to the NHL Store, and didn't have a public restroom. I avoided hugs from our friends, took full responsibility for being late, accrued a few more, "Oh my's," at my appearance, and headed towards where the restrooms SHOULD have been. Two employees were standing there:

ME: Can I use the restroom?
GUY: These are employee only.
ME: I just need to change my shirt really quickly.
GIRL: These are just for employees.
ME: No, I get that, but if I could just hop in for two seconds...
GUY: You can use the dressing rooms next door in the NHL Store.
ME: But then they're going to think I'm stealing clothes...
GIRL: These are employee only.
ME: Maybe I should just change right here in this nook.
GUY: I think you should use the changing room next door.
GIRL: You could use these, except they're employee only.

By this point, a few of the tables nearby were looking at us and I'd had enough. I took a step back into a semi-secluded alcove, and with the two of them looking dubiously at me, I popped off my shirt, put on my new one, and said, "I feel so much better. I think I'll get a frappuccino." The table nearby laughed, the two employees went into their employee bathrooms, and I felt as though I had a new lease on life (sadly, it turns out I just renewed the old lease).

I was welcomed back into mainstream society (temporarily) and the rest of the evening was sweat free. When I use this as the final scene in the made for tv movie of my life (I wanna be played by Scott Caan, but I know it'll be Zach Braff), it will end with all of us eating dinner, me in my new t-shirt, and when someone says, "We're just going to split the check evenly on our credit cards, ok?" I'll look up, pause, say, "No sweat!" and everyone will laugh as the frame freezes, the camera pulls back, and everything fades to black.

Somebody Make Me An, "I Sweat Humidity," T-Shirt (and then give it to me in 1998),
Witz

*After telling my parents this story, my mom, between fits of laughting tears told me that SHE actually has the panic sweat, and I couldn't blame my dad entirely. This means that my dad is like the sun (but not in a loving, metaphorical way) and my mom is the magnifying glass. Genetics is holding the glass over me and I'm the ant, getting set on fire and laughed at.

Witz Flix: Julie & Julia

2010-08-04T08:01:00.000-07:00

Julie & Julia: A simple tale of one woman's hard-fought success that brought French cooking into the average American's home; coupled with the simple tale of an average American cooking from this book as intended and somehow writing another book about it.

So, here's what I propose. Set your laptops up in the kitchen, take out your cooking utensils and get ready, because this is what we're gonna do: first, we'll watch Julie copy Julia and then WE will copy Julie, allowing us to write the much-wanted sequel "Julie & Julia & Us." It's the Human Centipede of the literary world.

2 min: I'm not gonna lie to you. We're only two minutes in and I'm kind of excited to watch this movie. It's France in 1949, super-affable (I have to keep finding ways to not use the word "delightful") Meryl Streep is Julia Child, and the credits just told me that both Mary Lynn Rajskub (aka Chloe from 24) and Jane Lynch are in the movie. A nagging voice in the back of my head is saying, "Yeah, but what about that whole 'based on two true stories' business? That's too cutesy to be a good sign, right?" We'll wait and see...

3 min: Ok, one question: Why does Julia Child talk like Snuggles the Bear after intensive oral surgery? Or The Pillsbury Dough Boy after a few bottles of whiskey.

4 min: Ugh. I just felt physical repulsion when Amy Adams showed up. Too soon, Amy Adams. Too soon since Leap Year for me to see your stupid face again. I thought we agreed, "Not to make plans," with each other? Queens, NY 2002. Delightful.

5 min: Amy Adams and her man are moving in and she's horrible at everything. To calm her down, her man says, "Repeat after me: 900 square feet." She repeats, "900 squeare feet." I just realized-- that little interaction is the dynamic of this entire movie.

7 min: They just showed Julia in gorgeous Paris in a great apartment. Then they showed a shitty Queens street, with Julie walking outside past a dingy looking pizza place. My only reaction to any of this was, "ooOOoo pizza!" Somebody count my chromosomes.

Oh, Christ-- they're bringing 9/11 into this...or at least showing Julie walking past the rubble. Is this supposed to be a metaphor for how her life is in ruins? I'm not sure you're allowed to use 9/11 as a metaphor. It's kinda like why I don't say, "Ugh, what a Holocaust of a day-- it was 95 degrees and humid outside and I caught the train at rush hour-- I thought it was gonna drop me off at Auschwitz!"*

8 min: Apparently, Julie works for a government hotline that you call regarding 9/11. Obviously, there aren't any happy callers, and I felt bad for her until she said, "Please stop yelling, sir!" when the guy was clearly not yelling, just upset. I hate that. You'll know yelling when you hear it-- it's louder.

(Julie or Miranda?)

10 min: It's like I'm watching a spinoff of Sex and the City called "Miranda: The Early Years." Amy Adams looks just like Miranda (or as Steve would say, "Miraaaaaanda." Yikes-- I've revealed too much) and then there are these three other women on their cell phones doing business, and everyone's ordering cobb salads. You can actually see the moment "Miranda" thinks, "In the future, I'm going to get dumber, less independent friends with more limited interests and a sense of humor that makes Weird Al Yankovic seem like vintage Steve Martin.

14 min: Julie and her guy are talking about writing a blog. Eeee, this is very meta.

17 min: "Ok, here's a problem-- I've never eaten an egg." Uhh, what? Really, no elaboration? "This is crazy. Is this crazy?" she asks and her husband says, "Yes." Lady, you're starting a free blog about cooking meals for you and your husband which you already do daily. There's absolutely no risk. What's crazy is that your husband hasn't left you yet.

20 min: Ahh, we're finally back to the charismatic and gregarious Julia Child!

25 min: I don't know why, but there's something very unsettling about Julia Child having sex-- especially with Stanley Tucci, who looks quite a bit like the bad guy, Fat Cat, from Chip n' Dale Rescue Rangers.**

26 min: Ah, fuck, we're back to Julie. Lesson one is basically, "Cook with an assload of butter." Julie's gonna end up with an assload of ass, and not the good kind.

28 min: Hey, alright, Mary Lynn Robzombie just asked how Julie's never eaten an egg. This movie's like The Wire, no string left untied. She tells Mary Lynn Rolliefingers that she just hasn't. What a compelling sub-plot.

30 min: You know who would have made this movie better? Jenna Fischer. Hmm...

33 min: The ambrosial Julia Child is going to cooking school with all professional male cooks! This is like "Back to School", "Norma Rae," and "G.I. Jane" all rolled into one!

38 min: I refuse to make a negative joke about the ineffable*** Julia Child portion of this movie. It's legitimately good and it's hard not to like the characters. And that's the problem with the movie; you really like Julia and her husband after watching them, and then it cuts to pain in the ass copycat Julie and her husband talking about them and making jokes, which actually made me DEFENSIVE of Julia, like she's my great aunt or something. I keep wanting to tell them to shut up-- what's happening to me??

Also Julia said, "These damn things are hot as a stiff cock!" which is kinda awesome. She sounds exactly like the Pillsbury Dough Boy when she says it, which makes sense, because I'm pretty sure he's said the same thing about his biscuits.

46 min: Oh good, now her blog is super popular and she's cocky about it. THE WHOLE POINT OF THE COOKBOOK IS THAT IT'S ACCESSIBLE!

52 min: Fine. I'll tell you. I giggled like a third grader a little bit when Julie said, "I have to bone a whole duck! Can you even conceive of boning a whole duck?" It's important that you know this wasn't intended to be funny.

54 min: Julie is crying on the kitchen floor because she dropped the chicken. She has hundreds of readers and she "doesn't see what the point is." I mean this in the nicest, most compassionate, heartfelt way: Julie needs to kill herself.

57 min: Jane Lynch is DOROTHY Child! (Which for some reason reminds me of James Bond, Jr.-- like she should have her own movie later). I kinda get the feeling they didn't give her any lines and just told her to improvise with Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci, but she's Jane Lynch, so she's awesome.

61 min: Dorothy's getting married! More like "based on THREE true stories" MOVIE.

70 min: Julie has the empyrian Julia Child's first editor coming to dinner. She cooks boeuf bourguignon the night before and falls asleep, so it burns. I'd feel bad for her, but you know the old saying..."Don't fall asleep while you're cooking boeuf bourguignon."

79 min: The editor bails at the last minute because it's raining, which is probably for the best, because (and again, I'm not trying to be mean, but...) with her hair and clothes, Julie is starting to look a lot like Chaka from the Land of the Lost movie:

82 min: Huh? Inexplicable fight between Julie and her husband who calls her narcissistic and says that he can't wait until the year with her blog is over. I mean...he's right to be upset, but they had absolutely no set up for it. Julie talks with Mary Lynn Razor-ramon about it and they agree that she's a bitch. So that's somethin'...

103 min: "I have 15 days and 24 recipes and...I still have to bone a duck..." Hehehehe.

105 min: The New York Times writer came and loved Julie's story. She gets tons of phone calls from literary agents and editors and producers for tv shows. "I'm gonna be a writer!" she exclaims. "Christ," I reply. Is that the type of thing you have to do to be successful? I guess so. Do you know there's a blog out there called Gum Alert? It's gumalert.com. My-Friend-Formerly-With-A-Pool said it best, "There's a site called gumalert.com. People are going there to get gum alerts."

106 min: Yes! A newspaper writer spoke with the emphatically uplifting Julia Child and asked about Julie's blog. Julie gets off the phone and tells her husband, "She HATES me!" I'm honestly not saying this is a bad movie, because I like the Julia part, and I'm honestly not a bad person, because I pay my overdue fines at the library even though they have absolutely no military branch with which to threaten me, BUT-- this was the only moment I've laughed out loud in the entire movie.

115 min: Big finale-- she bones a duck. It's...fairly anti-climactic.

120 min: Julia's book is published, everybody is ecstatic, my eyes are only watering a little because I yawned (I swear), and they fade to black. Text appears telling us that her husband lived to be 92 and Julia died in 2004 at the age of 91. They then say something confusing:

"Julie Powell's book Julie & Julia was published in 2005. She and Eric still live in Queens, although they no longer live above a pizzeria. She is a writer."

So...mixed news, then? I'd hope my ending goes something like this:

"Witz's book, These Things Happen: True Stories of Shame and Embarassment, was published in 2011. He still lives in Brooklyn, but now lives above Grimaldi's Pizzeria. He is a writer...and also plays center field for the Boston Red Sox...and is an astronaut...and a pirate...he's an astronaut-pirate."

Julia Child Was So Butter (Remember That Year Kids Said, "Butter?" As Slang?),
Witz

*Funny Auschwitz related note (I know what you're thinking: "Just one??"): I was signing up for a website and when the username "Witz" was taken, they suggested I use "awes_witz." AUSCHWITZ?? Really??

**Alright, which came first: Chip n' Dale cartoons or Chippendales strip club? If it's the latter, why the hell were two chipmunks given the same name as a male strip club? And just so you don't have to google it, the female chipmunk's name was Gadget, and yes, she WAS hot.

***Which doesn't mean: "One who you are not able to have sex with" despite how it sounds.

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Robot Apocalypse (Yet again...)

2010-08-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

What part of Terminator DIDN'T the Japanese understand? They seem to have a preoccupation with inventing a predator that can destroy humanity. I get it-- you're good at robots-- but if the Predator movies taught us anything, it's that WE DON'T WANT TO BE PREY. And yet, time and time again, I see new videos of robots doing more and more human acts, proving to me that it's only a matter of time before the Great Robot Rebellion of 2012 that sends us into extinction or mass slavery (and I would make a TERRIBLE slave. I'm barely alright working for a salary with vacation days). But you can see for yourself-- introducing ASIMO (Note: this post contains numerous youtube videos, so if you're reading on facebook, click this to read and watch the videos through witzpickz.com):

More like AWESOME-MO! Am I right?? Look, ASIMO is kinda adorable, and I do appreciate the fact that there is someone out there looking whiter than me when they dance, but they're only cute until the moment when they decide to kill us all. Did you see the way they clap? They don't actually touch hands, they leave a little space for where a human skull would be. We even taught them to climb stairs so we have nowhere to flee (we actually played that song for my great-grandma every time she went up and down the stairs; so inspiring). Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking, "But robots don't have free will, so we're safe." Oh yeah? Check this video out:

They're already rebelling!! ASIMO drops that bitch's mail and then does a little "Fuck You" curtsy, turning its back on the human masters. "But why would they want to kill us?" you ask? Ohhhh, I dunno, how about this:

Yyyup! It's literally just 54 seconds of ASIMO holding out a fishtank. I'D start killing humans if someone made me just hold out a fishtank for a minute. Besides, that's not even impressive. What's impressive is my friend passed out, balancing a beer bottle on his blacked out fingertips:

The only reason that we're still alive today is because they are still working out some issues with the robots...

Hehehehehehehehehe...awww...that's good stuff.

Only one thing could concern me more than making robots that resemble humans-- robot snakes. But why would anyone make robot snakes? I mean, they'd be exactly like regular snakes only made out of a strong metal, be impossible to kill, and could attack for whatever reason it wanted since it wouldn't have reptilian instincts directing its actions...

Well, fuck my abbreviated-snake-robot-ended life.

How Many of You Would Name Your Robot Isaac ASIMO? Neeeerds,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Like Cheers, but with a low-brow Sandwich Franchise...

2010-08-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

I'm back from vacation and have some posts in the works for the coming week, but for today, here's a post I found from a few months back that I forgot to finish and put up:

3/11/10:
I've always wanted to be known at my local establishments, and today that dream came true, as I paid for my sandwich at a small sandwich shop down the street. Maybe you've heard of it, it's called Subway? Yep-- the Subway people know me. Not only do they know me, but they are psyched to see me, in a way that is borderline condescending-- like, they can't honestly be as excited to see me as they appear. Most of my friends aren't as excited to see me as these people appear. I mean, yes, I'm awesome at the ordering process: I know which bread, meat, cheese, veggies, and sauce I would like and I know what length sandwich I want the magic to happen on. That is still no reason for the enthusiasm I elicit from these people.

As far as I can tell, this store is owned by an Indian family-- the husband works the register, the two daughters work the sandwich line, and the wife alternates between various tasks, generally taking bread out of the oven and aggressively delivering streams of native language to or at her husband. As I've entered the store in the past, each one has at some time greeted me with a smile of recognition a genuine sounding greeting. When I stepped up to the counter last week, the wife smiled broadly and said "Hello, hello!" to which I replied, "Hi, how are you?" to which she replied, "Good!" to which I awkwardly replied, "I'd like a footlong turkey on wheat, please!" because there's really only so much a Sandwich Orderer/Sandwich Maker can talk about. I mean, I wasn't a dick about it-- I didn't say, "Well, I'll tell ya what, I'd be a lot better if you'd hurry up and slap a disturbingly thin layer of third-rate turkey on that bread and make me a G.D. sandwich!" but I still felt bad that I didn't have more to say to demonstrate my cordial nature.

Tonight took things to a whole new level. First, however, a quick detour, because the guy in front of me was too good to be true. A dead ringer for Mr. Magoo, he loudly began to order a six-inch turkey sub.

OLD MAN: Gimme the turkey sub-- the sixer on the oats!
GIRL: Ok.
OLD MAN: Ya know what, toast that first-- before ya put the stuffing on.
GIRL: Ok. What kind of cheese?
OLD MAN: THAT, miss, will be discussed after you toast my bread.
GIRL: Ok. (she toasts the bread)
OLD MAN: Good. Now. Cheddar.
GIRL: Ok.
OLD MAN: But BEFORE that, why don't you go ahead and put some of that chipolte* on there?
GIRL: The sauce?
OLD MAN: Yep, and put a lot on there.
GIRL: Ok. (pours a reasonable amount on the bread)
OLD MAN: Both sides...come on, don't be afraid, really get in there with it!

At this point, the girl pours an exhorbitant, laughable, cartoonish amount of chipotle southwest sauce onto the six inches of bread; at least a quarter to half inch thick layer of dressing. I let out a brief shock of laughter and quickly look away to avoid eye contact with the bemused girl or the deadly serious old man.

OLD MAN: That a girl! That's good, that's good. Ok, now the turkey. (The girl puts on a comically thin layer of turkey. I start to shake and my eyes fill with tears of contained laughter.) Good. Now-- ya know what? He'll help me with the rest of it. (The man gestures to the other guy behind the glass who is currently helping another customer.) He's a chef! He knows how I like it-- he does somethin' with it.

The girl stares at Mr. Magoo to see if he's serious. When it's clear that he is, she looks confused and slides the sandwich towards the other sandwich maker. While I order my sub, eyes red and teary as if I either find the plight of sandwiches unbearable or the art of the sub incredibly beautiful (both of which are true), I keep an eye on Mr. Magoo's meal. "The Chef" looks at the sub, puts on two pieces of cheese, lettuce, tomato, onions, and THAT'S IT.

OLD MAN: Just how I like it!

The old man pays and leaves, unfathomably content, and I can only hope that the world is so magical and...specifically pleasing when I am his age. I hope that happiness is just a fuckload of chipotle sauce and a pathological misconception of what constitutes quality.

This is when things get weird. As I step up to the register, the husband gives me a genuinely pleased smile and asks, "Hello, my friend!"

"Hi," I reply, "How are you?"
"Good, very good. How have you been?"
"Good," I reply, followed by the brilliant, "Yeah, I...haven't been in here in a while." Conversational. Wizard.
"Yes, yes..." he responds, still staring at me and smiling. I take this opportunity to take the conversation in a new, but familiar direction.
"I got a footlong turkey..."
"Excellent!" He rings me up, and just as I'm saying thank you and leaving something entirely different happens.
"Take care, my friend!" the man says, and EXTENDS HIS HAND TO ME. I reach out and shake it, completing our transaction...our conversation...our...hangout? It was unorthodox, to say the least, which might be a sad commentary on our society, but it was also oddly comforting. Shaking a stranger's hand, warm with heat and kindness, somehow made the entire world seem like a happier place. Also, I think I might be married to one of his daughters now, it's unclear, but that'd be great because I could really use some a that Subway money.

Subway: When You're Here, You're Family...and Clearly Broke,
Witz

*spelled phonetically-- does anyone know how to properly pronounce chipotle? I keep hearing people say "chiPOLEtay" and I want them to be wrong. It's one of the reasons I'm going to die before my time...

BONUS MATERIAL: I should also add this: Older Indian Women LOVE me. While in Palo Alto, I entered my (mom's recipe) Death By Chocolate Trifle in my apartment building's dessert contest and won (obviously; some people entered brownies, some people entered pudding or candy. The trife is brownies AND pudding AND toffee AND whipped cream. It's essentially the Grilled Cheese DoubleMelt of desserts). Afterward, several people came up to me to say how good it was, including a quite elderly looking Indian woman who took my hands, shook her head, and, her eyes brimming on tears, simply said, "So good. So good." So...I might have two Indian brides now, it's all very confusing.

Witz Flix: The Wolfman

2010-07-21T10:27:00.000-07:00

In case you can't read it from the movie poster, the promo reads:

"Even a man who is pure of heart
and says his prayers by night,
May become a wolf
when the wolfsbane blooms
and the autumn moon is bright."
-Old Gypsy Poem

...Gypsies...not known for their poetry. After watching Drag Me to Hell, I'd say that gypsies, in general, should be known for WAY OVERREACTING-- the entire time I watched that movie I just kept thinking, "HOW IS THIS AN EQUAL AND PROPORTIONAL RESPONSE!?" We're not here to talk about Drag Me to Hell, though, we're here to talk about The Wolfman. Like you, I know that The Wolfman is about Benicio Del Toro forgetting to shave. Let's get started:

2 min: It's 1891 and an old man is walking with a lantern in a creepy forest with a full moon overhead. Just in case he wasn't dead already, he shouts into the darkness, "Show yourself! I know you're out there!" Now, to my knowledge, nobody has ever shouted that and had a hot, naked girl pop out and kiss them, so I'm not exactly sure what he's hoping for, but a werewolf obliges, and treats his body like a pinata, slashing him with his claws until the candy pops out (read: intestines, which gives me a hilarious idea: whenever I accidentally have kids, I'm going to fill their birthday party pinata with lengths of sausage links so when they bust it open, the pinata spews forth guts. I know you're thinking, "That's horrible, why would you do that?" but doesn't it teach a better lesson than, "Beat something with a bat and candy falls out??").

4 min: The dead guy's fiancee writes Benicio Del Toro (his brother), asking to help find his missing brother. Benicio Del Toro looks like he fled a Three Stooges makeover and robbed a pimp. His fur coat and cane are not nearly as baffling as what happens when he opens his mouth: did you know Benicio Del Toro can speak NORMALLY??. He speaks to his estranged father, Anthony Hopkins, who has what I have to refer to as an overly lackadaisical attitude toward his other son's death. Strong odds on him being a werewolf.

8 min: Awesome exchange:

Man in Bar: What if it wasn't a beast, but a cunning murderer, who killed him and then tore him up to make it look like a wild beast was responsible?" (vaguely paraphrased)
Policeman: Ridiculous! Who would go to such lengths?!

...Uhhh....murderers? Off the top of my head, I'd say murderers would go to such lengths. But only because they're murderers. Was killing people that easy to get away with in the 1891?

Bartender: "What about that gypsy dancing bear, he coulda done it!" Classic. That bear just tries to bring a little bit of beauty into this world and they go and call it a killer. But, yeah, you should check the bear, that's a reasonable explanation since "wolf men" aren't generally real.

9 min: Hahaha, I LOVE it when movies go over the top out of there way to setup a racial stereotype.

Priest: Mosts unnatural wounds. Made by creature most foul.
Bartender: Damn gypsies! Wandering the countryside, bringing their woe and (dentistry??) with 'em!!

10 min: "He wouldn't leave the house on a full moon." So here's the thing-- there's a werewolf problem, ok, but it only comes out on a full moon, which is like...12 times a year. That's once a month. There are pizza, burritos, falafel, movies, cafes, bars, lectures, friends, and girls just outside my apartment on a daily basis and, yet, some days I just don't leave the house. How hard is it to not leave the house once a month, DURING regular sleeping hours?

13 min: Anthony Hopkins pops on what appear to be tinted swim goggles and heads to bed. I just...I need you to know these things.

15 min: We learn that Benicio Del Toro's mom killed herself when they were kids. Theoretically, because she found out she was in The Wolfman.

17 min: No matter how many times you say the name or show me Emily Blunt, I'm not going to remember who she is. That's just something I've come to accept. There's nothing recognizable about her-- it's like she was born without features. Anyway, she's Dead Brother's fiancee...well not anymore...that'd be creepy.

19 min: Anthony Hopkins says don't go out tonight during the full moon. Benicio decides to ride down to the Gypsy Camp, which looks significantly less fun than Camp Anawana.

"Camp Anawana, we hold you in our hearts,
and when we think about you,
it makes us want to fart."
-Old Gypsy Poem

21 min: Ok. Here we have the perfect example of why I don't like camping. The gypsies tell Benicio not to leave the camp because of the moon. A posse hunting the creature comes to the gypsy camp. Suddenly, The Wolfman shows up and starts ripping everyone limb from limb, killing anyone it comes near. Which raises the question: WHY DID ANYONE THINK THE GYPSY CAMP WAS SAFE? It's just an outdoor collective of shabby tents! Just because you have a fire and created a circle doesn't mean you're not going to be attacked in your sleep! "Witz, what part of camping don't you like?" The part where it's pitch black, I'm completely vulnerable, and I'm sleeping on rocks and tree roots when mattresses have been invented. Why am I the weird one?

OHHHH, the rarely expected through-the-neck-out-the-mouth kill. Looked a bit like this:

22 min: Well, turns out if you google, "Silver Bullet," you get way more vibrator links than I expected.

23 min: The werewolf attacks Benicio and flips him for real...by which I mean he gnaws on his neck and arm. Some men with guns arrive and the wolfman flees. The gypsies patch him up, knowing that he is now cursed. One says, "He can now only be released by someone who loves him," which seems arbitrary, even by werewolf curse standards.

25 min: Who the fuck is this chick-- oh, it's Emily Blunt.

28 min: Did I mention that Anthony Hopkins has a sikh living with him for no apparent reason? Just checking.

32 min: Benicio and Emily Blunt (by default, I still can't recognize her) are down by the lake and he shows her how to skip stones. It's not even flirty or romantic though, it's just kinda like, "Here's something you'll never miss not being able to do."

35 min: A posse comes to capture Benicio since he's gonna be a werewolf, but Hopkins scares them off. I'm not sure who we're supposed to be rooting for since they absolutely should capture him. Agent Smith from the Matrix is a detective on the case.

39 min: "If anything ever happened to you, I'd never forgive myself," Benicio says, as he sends Emily Blunt, who he's known for maybe three days, away...in the middle of the night...under a near full moon...alone...hm.

47 min: Benicio Of the Bull turns into a wolfman. This is why you shouldn't let him touch water.

Oh, and not to be a stickler, but shouldn't this movie be called The WolfMEN?? And since there's already a name for men that turn into wolves, shouldn't it just be called The Werewolves?

48 min: It's pretty hard to be scared of this guy-- he basically just looks like a super hairy jewish guy-- I mean, his name's Wolfman!

49 min: He starts killing everyone out looking to capture him. He's never gonna make the basketball team with this attitude!

Best Teen Wolf Quote (and possibly one of the best lines of all time): "You don't scare me, freak. Underneath all that hair, you're still a dork, Scott."

50 min: If I were a werewolf, I would absolutely play TV On the Radio's "Wolf Like Me" while I slaughtered. Would that automatically make me the first Hipster Werewolf? This movie would actually have been way better if they did it all modernized, "Romeo & Juliet" style with cool music instead of the usual instrumental score. Also, if they'd written a better script...

52 min: He's captured and locked up in an asylum. Everyone inexplicably thinks he's derranged and not a werewolf. They repeatedly dunk him in ice water and stick syringes in his neck, which looks almost as bad as having to get a day job again. Please, "share" this with your facebook friends.

52 min: If I were a werewolf, I'd make a t-shirt that said, "Our werewolf has a villager problem."

56 min: We were all right, Anthony Hopkins reveals that he's a Werewolf, Too (like Jason Bateman). He killed his wife. He killed his other son. This is why he can't have nice things.

60 min: SO they have Benicio restrained in a chair on the night of the full moon to prove to him and everyone else that he isn't a werewolf. The room is packed, which raises the question, WHO BOUGHT TICKETS TO THE SLAUGHTER ROOM?? If someone came up to me and said, "Yo, I have two tix to that show at The Asylum to see if that psycho turns into a werewolf or not, wanna come with for free?" I'd be like, "Are you out of you're fucking mind?? Look, The Asylum is a sweet name for a venue, but in the event that he isn't a werewolf, we're just sitting in a room for a while watching nothing happen, and on the off chance that he DOES turn into a werewolf, we're ALL GOING TO DIE." Of course, maybe they all kind of believe he is going to transform, which leads us to:

63 min: Benicio turns into a wolfman and proceeds to kill everyone. I've said this before in the past, but I have to repeat it one more time here: If you suspect a man might turn into a wolfman, AND you have said wolfman tied up, you should GO OVERBOARD. Just go wild with the restraints. Ropes, belts, chains, wire, whatever. Because you have absolutely no idea how strong that creature is going to be.

65 min: The Wolfman looks exactly like Wolf-Han Solo right now, it's awesome.

(best I could find)

68 min: Who doesn't move immediately when you find out there's a legit werewolf in your town? Population of Blackmoor ought to be zero right now.

70 min: What the hell, you can't just add a new character this late in the-- oh, false alarm, it's just Emily Blunt. They kiss, which is weird, but I guess everybody has their thing. The police show up and he flees.

72 min: Hahah, she's reading a book just called, "Ancient Gypsy Lore." Who's blunt now? (Get it, get it? Eh? See, because her name has a meaning)

86 min: Benicio Del Taco (sorry, it's like 3am and I'm hungry) and Anthony Hopkins turn into wolfmen and fight. Anthony Hopkins looks like a goddamn ewok, so it's a little hard to take this seriously, but it does bring my life full circle as the first movie creature that freaked me out as a kid was the wolf in The Ewok Adventure.

88 min: Wait, why the hell are they able to restrain themselves and fight each other consciously now, but normally they just kill everyone they see? Benicio eventually chucks Anthony into a fire, momentarily creating a terrifying Fire Werewolf, but then wallops his head off...creating just a terrifying house fire. Only YOU can prevent Fire Werewolves!

91 min: Before this thing wraps up, I just want to make sure that nobody saw "Wolf" with Jack Nicholson, right? Like, I shouldn't make a reference? Ok, good.

93 min: Emily Blunt is trapped by The Wolfman. She gets him to hesitate and while he's distracted, she grabs the gun with a silver bullet in it and shoots him. He dies, and as he does so, his hair disappears and he turns back into a man. You're telling me if I shoot my dad, he's gonna start shedding body hair? And whatever happened to, "The curse can only be lifted by love," or that bullshit? Seems to me a silver bullet tidied things up pretty nicely.

94 min: What has two thumbs and can take a silver bullet? THIS GUY!

(That joke was way less awkward before I learned about the vibrator...)

95 min: Agent Smith was bitten and survived, so now HE'S gonna be a werewolf...TWIST!...ugh. The Final Voiceover: "They say there's no sin in killing a beast...only in killing a man. But where does one begin and the other end?" Did they really just try and make this deep? Shit, movie, I guess, like, when the man becomes a fucking werewolf, how about that? Applied metaphorically, let's just take it on a case by case basis, but yeah, feel free to shoot Rod Blagojevich.

Pretty Sure This Movie Was Just A Long Interpretation of Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf,"
Witz

In Unrelated Conversation Earlier Today:
HER: What can you kill with a golden bullet?
ME: ...Anything that you can kill with a regular bullet...

Fact: I just looked at a list of movies with werewolves in them and there's a movie called Dr. Terror's House of Horrors. Well...don't go to Dr. Terror's house!

Runner Up Awesome Quote From Teen Wolf:
SCOTT: Styles, I got something to tell you. It's kind of hard, but...
STYLES: Look, are you gonna tell me you're a fag because if you're gonna tell me you're a fag, I don't think I can handle it.
SCOTT: I'm not a fag. I'm...a werewolf.

Witz Pickz: The Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt

2010-07-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

Holy fucking hell yeah shit wow! Have you heard about the new Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt from Friendly's?? I was sent an email from my friend, Jocelyn Davies, and I'm using her real name because she's about to be a published author and you should all read her book, "A Beautiful Dark," when it comes out in 2011 (you will have approximately one year to read it). The email was simply a link and the words, "You're welcome." There are a few ways to take this:

1) You're welcome for providing you with blog fodder.
2) You're welcome for introducing you to potentially the most delicious food item of all time.
3) You're welcome for providing you with, essentially, an acceptable, painless form of euthanasia. If things really bottom out for me, forget slit wrists, strong light fixtures, or tough NYC handgun licenses, I'm just gonna sit down in a Friendly's booth, place my credit card on the table and say, "Keep 'em comin."

Apparently, the guy who named "The Fribble" (which is a double-thick milkshake which arrives at regular thickness because it takes forever) and the "Happy Ending Sundae" (which is a hot fudge sundae with a handjob at the end) is on strict union rules to only name desserts and the Fishamajig* guy got laid off, so The Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt is exactly what the name suggests: a hamburger with a grilled cheese on either side, acting as the bun. This thing makes the KFC Double Down look like a healthy option.

(it also looks like two orthodox jewish pieces of chicken having sex through a cheese sheet)

Legend has it that the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt was invented by a death row inmate, just before he was sent to the electric chair. He was asked what he wanted as his last meal and he said, "I'd like fries, and a pickle, and hamburger, and a grilled cheese-- hell-- TWO grilled cheeses." The guards weren't having it and replied, "You killed a dozen people in cold blood-- you only get ONE main course!" Well, you don't get away with killing twelve people before getting caught without being creative, so he figured out a loophole and thus the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt was created......but, personally, I think it was just made by fat people for fat people.

This sucker clocks in around 1500 calories (which isn't THAT MUCH, if you think about it), 101g of carbs, and 2090mg of sodium (!!). On Day Two, God ate a Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt and then sweated (and I have to assume you will sweat when you eat one of these), and his sweat became the oceans.

For the sake of my 70's existing, I'm not sure I'll ever eat one of these, but I fully intend on ordering one, and here's why: I love grilled cheese. Unfortunately, while a grilled cheese probably costs about fifty cents to make, you can't buy one for less than 5 dollars, and one grilled cheese is rarely enough. One of my favorite meals is the two grilled cheese and fries/tater tots meal, made available to me by my high school and college cafeteria.

After calling Friendly's and asking how much the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt costs (which is an awkward phone call to make-- that's how dedicated a journalist I am), I was shocked to find that it regularly costs $8.49 (including fries and a pickle/coleslaw), but is on special for $5!! For five dollars, I can get TWO grilled cheeses, fries, and a pickle (who wants my coleslaw?), AND have a meatwad leftover which I can keep in my pocket and eat like an apple if anyone questions my manliness or tries to mug me (nobody fucks with a guy with meat in his pocket. Nobody).

(photo courtesy of Nitro)

Lost in all this hype is the sad decline of the bun. It must have started right around the time the Atkins Diet got popular, and Taco Bell's slogan became, "Think outside the bun," which I always took to mean, "Find a creative place to poop-- you just ate Taco Bell in public." Then KFC started picking up steam, Subway started making wraps, McDonald's introduced salads, and bun stocks have plummeted (I dunno, maybe). But, I mean, really, what does the bun have going for it? Sesame seeds? Wooooo, sesame...seeds...yeah. It's their own damn fault.

I Dare You to Go to Friendly's on a Weekday and Ask For a, "Happy Ending Wednesday,"
Witz

Seriously? There's nothing phallic about this? Realllly??

*We used to have a fun time asking a) what kind of fish was in the fishamajig and b) what part of the fish is the "majig." I think the answer to both was usually, "You don't want to know," or, "I'd suggest getting the grilled chicken sandwich."

Witz Flickz: 2012

2010-07-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

The end must be near, because I've resorted to watching 2012. Like you all, I know that the movie "2012" is about the end of the world as predicted by the Mayan Civilization.

"We were warned," reads the poster. Please, you don't spend billions of dollars creating a worst case scenario plan just because some calendar enthusiasts back in 800 AD said 2012 was The End. Every few years, a handful of cults commit suicide because "The end is near," and yet year after year, October rolls around and I have to watch the Yankees in the playoffs. What, should I not buy Christmas presents in 2012? Is this one really a lock? And what's the policy on presents for people whose birthday is on December 21? Do I buy one and just not expect a thank you note? Don't you hate it when your birthday lands on the same day as the apocalypse?

1 min: Uh oh, planets are aligning. How come nothing good ever comes from planets aligning?? It's always, "the end of the world," or, "intense heat." It's never, "Crops grow more abundantly," or, "penises enlarge."

3 min: The black dude from "Love Actually" (he's been in a lot more stuff, but I wanted to use an example where I think there was only one black person in the entire movie) is in a copper mine in India. Is the world gonna end because they ran out of copper to make Duracell batteries?

5 min: The biggest solar eruptions in recorded history have just been...recorded...causing the highest neutrino count ever. How come I can't hear the word "Neutrinos" and not think about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. "For the first time ever, the Nutrinos are causing a physical reaction." That's not true-- that one Neutrino was hot.

6 min: Just in case we didn't get that it was getting hot, an old Indian man in the copper mine dunks his feet in a big bucket of ice and says, "Ahhh, that feels good." Thanks. Oh, also the Earth's core is heating up. Core strength: Not just for yoga anymore.

7 min: Chiwetel Ejiofor: The Science Guy (not quite the same ring to it...) delivers the geology report to Oliver Platt, who initially blows him off. DID WE LEARN NOTHING FROM INDEPENDENCE DAY?? He then reads the unverified report from this stranger and says, "You're about to meet the President." Soo, we're all basically one wikipedia entry away from the Oval Office. Huh.

9 min: It's 2010, we're at the G8 Summit and you're not gonna believe who The President is: DANNY GLOVER. He's GOTTA be too old for this shit.

10 min: "The world...as we know it...will soon come to an end..." The President begins. Taking a cue from Tosh.0, let's see how many jokes we can make for this one in 30 seconds:

1) "...3 items are only 2 dollars at Taco Bell."
2) "...They remade the Karate Kid."
3) "...It's DiGiorno."
4) "...((Loud Farting Sound))"
5) "...people no longer like Lebron James."
6) " I have terminal cancer and Mel Gibson is the vice-president."

11 min: It's now 2012, and a bunch of Guatamalans have committed suicide outside a Mayan temple because it was predicted the Earth would end on December 21, 2012. Not to rain on your suicide party (reschedule, move indoors, or proceed?), but that seems like opening Christmas presents before Christmas morning; or buying a yacht because someone told you they think you're gonna win the lottery. Just hang in there, sport.

12 min: John Cusack's here! I don't know which is less believable, that his name is "Jackson" or that his character was once married to Amanda Peet. He's divorced with two kids, and one of them makes me glad that the world is going to end. They're going to Yellowstone.

20 min: The world is ending and our B-plot appears to be that The Science Guy thinks The President's Daughter is cute. FML.

25 min: It's getting hot, hot, hot. BUT it's a DRYYYYY heat! Every time I hear "the Earth's crust" it just sounds so delicious. Anyway, it's destabilizing, which suuuuuuucks.

26 min: "Allll this technology and we didn't see it coming. The Mayans predicted this." Yeah, and Nostradomus predicted the JFK Assasination-- shut up.

28 min: Woody Harrelson!? He's 2012's Randy Quaid! He's a crazy guy who lives in Yellowstone National Park and broadcasts on the radio from his hovel camper.* I hope I don't shed silent tears again when he dies.

37 min: Aaaand they personified the Earth's crust (mmm). The cracks are coming for you! Apparently, there are spaceships ready to take about 400,000 people to safety. Danny Glover looks older than he'd like to be when dealing with this predicament.

39 min: There are only 2-3 days left before all hell breaks loose. Ummm, it doesn't appear to be December 19th, so the Mayans were wrong? That's why you can't be cocky when predicting the end of the world-- just ballpark it. 2012 would have been close enough.

45 min: Hahaha, ok. After a few minutes of John Cusack trying to convince Amanda Peet that they need to leave Los Angeles and having her completely blow him off, all hell breaks loose as an Earthquake hits, and when Amanda Peet ludicrously STILL tries to blow him off he yells, "GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!" Well played, PG-13 movie.

48 min: The entire Earth's crust (god, I'm hungry) is collapsing. It's hard to believe they used CGI for this. No, seriously, it looks that bad-- I cannot believe this is advanced cinematic technology. Anyway, millions of people are dead, but John Cusack and his unconvincing, broken family escaped on a plane, so that's a win.

58 min: Woody Harrelson decides to stay to watch the park volcanically explode because, "It's SO BEAUTIFUL!" He dies while making "It's a DOUBLE RAINBOW!" guy look like a beacon of stoicism and logic.

61 min: John Cusack jumped the RV! They didn't even do that in the movie RV!

70 min: Oh. Sad. Danny Glover is legitimately too old for this shit. He's not going on the spaceship.

80 min: Looks like The Smoke Monster escaped The Island and has been binging on fast food. A huge dark cloud of destruction and ash looms. Our alleged protagonists are heading towards China and the spaceships on a big cargo plane. This whole thing would be a lot better if Baloo was involved.

85 min: Remind me to never ever try and take refuge in The White House-- that place is constantly getting blown up when disasters, aliens, or time traveling apes occur.

90 min: The main problem with this movie is that they didn't make me care about ANYBODY. Millions of people are dying, and I have no reason to believe that Humanity's Future will be any better by having sad sack John Cusack and his family get on a spaceship. There's no enemy, no way to fight back, it's just a movie about most people dying and they don't even particularly get into the morality of our final actions**. Existence, as we know it, is ending, and they want me to care if John Cusack and Amanda Peet get back together??

103 min: Their plane is going down, but the Earth's crust (how good was stuffed crust pizza?) shifted, so they're heading exactly where they want to be. For those of you not familiar with narrative devices, that is called a "deus ex fuck you, viewer." Jackson, in an attempt to have "Action" added to the beginning of his title, gets everyone into a car so they can drive off the back of the plane as it crash lands.

112 min: 28 Minutes to impact of tidal wave at the spaceships. There are 43 minutes left in the movie-- is the rest of the movie done in real time??

118 min: "They're not spaceships, buddy, they're arks." DON'T LOOK AT THEM, YOU'LL MELT! Oh-- not that kind of ark. They're actually loading animals onto these ships...this is exactly like if KIRK Cameron had directed Titanic!

120 min: The family sneaks on board via the cargo hold with the help of extraneous characters I didn't want to waste your time with...although, as far as I can tell, every character in this movie is extraneous. This thing shoulda just been a 15 minute CGI simulation on Youtube set to Enigma's "Return to Innocence."

129 min: "One Minute Until Impact." Pff, whatever, if it's not a Deep Impact, I don't even care anymore. By the way, Amanda Peet's new husband died, but nobody's too upset about it since it frees up John Cusack to get back with her guilt free.

135 min: John Cusack's going all Bruce Willis in Armageddon and is going on a suicide mission to unblock something that is keeping the gate from shutting completely and allowing water to rush in. P.S. They're heading towards crashing into Mount Everest.

147 min: John Cusack unblocks the gears, the gate closes, and they are all saved. But get this-- John Cusack survives. What kind of BULLSHIT suicide mission was that! That was just a regular mission! Total scam.

148 min: "Day 27. Month 1. Year 0001." Man, they totally set themselves up for a sequel! Incidentally, I'm pretty sure you can just call it Year 1, without the extraneous placeholders. Then again, if you call it Year One, nobody will see it. ZING! (I saw it, so it's ok for me to make that joke).

155 min: The movie's coming to a close and they're all heading for land to start civilization over again. They're going to settle in Africa, which makes it the most extreme Back to Africa movement of all time. Everyone gets to go on deck and breath fresh air again, but all I'm thinking is, "6 billion people were drowned, aren't there just going to be bodies EVERYWHERE??" The answer is no, and as we watch John Cusack put his arms around Amanda Peet, we can go to sleep knowing that everything is ooooookaaay.

Until:
,
Witz

*Hovel Camper is a great name for a metal band. You can use it.

**And when they do, it's absurd. They argue about the morality of charging people to buy one of the limited seats on the ships, when everyone deserves a chance to survive...which is great in theory, except they need the billions upon billions of dollars to BUILD THE SHIPS.

Witz Pickz: What the F*ck Are Silly Bandz

2010-07-07T09:04:00.000-07:00

The other day, while walking along the street with C-Murder, I was introduced to Silly Bandz. They were being sold by some vendor on the sidewalk.

C-MURDER: I wish I'd invented Silly Bandz.
ME: What the hell are Silly Bandz?
C-MURDER: They're the cool new shit all the kids are into.
ME: What are they?
C-MURDER: Like, rubber bands in different shapes.
ME: That's it?
C-MURDER: Yeah.
ME: Wait, so of anything you could have invented in this hypothetical, you wish you had invented Silly Bandz?
C-MURDER: Eh, shut up.

Have you heard of these things, because I definitely had not. Apparently, the new hotness is these rubber bands shaped like all kinds of things: animals, dinosaurs, cars, miscellaneous symbols, sports object, and on and on. They are selling MILLIONS of them and at $4.95 per pack, are grossing an estimated $200 million a year. Now, I remember Slap Wraps, the cool, crazy, massively ill-advised, lawsuit worthy, wrist accessory of the early 90's that introduced children to both fashion AND wrist-slitting. Those probably seemed dumb to people, but at least they made sense-- they were action packed and had distinguishable designs. When you put a Silly Band on your arm, it doesn't matter what it was BEFORE, they just become colored (sorry, African-American) rubber bands.

So, like...HOW DUMB HAVE KIDS GOTTEN? I mean...they're RUBBER BANDS-- which are basically one step up from the "Bag O' Glass" toy from the SNL sketches. There has to be something more to this trend, you know, like Mardi Gras beads or tear drop tattoos. Maybe if you own the "Western Pack" it means you shot three Latin Kings.

Then again, maybe they're just a depression era throwback toy-- when bottle caps and jacks were enough to occupy an afternoon. As my roommate, Kid Fitted, said, "I see them more as a return to form. 'Fuck PSP, I want a rubber band shaped like a giraffe on my arm.'"

Either way, Silly Bandz are going to end the same way Slap Wraps did: with a major lawsuit. They're rubber bands. They cut off circulation if they're too tight, and you just know, somewhere in America, there is a little kid who's going to go to sleep with their Silly Bandz on and wake up in need of an amputated limb (which is my fifth greatest fear after snakes, spiders, deep water, and my inevitable return to office work).

Now, as proven many times before in my hard hitting investigative reports based primarily on wikipedia entries, I'm no fly by night journalist. I decided I needed to try and understand these children, so I took the liberty of reading all of the letters from children posted on the silly bandz site. Here's what I learned:

1) They're still teaching cursive in school. I have no idea why, since there are only two times I ever have had to write in cursive. The first time was to copy some paragraph saying I wouldn't cheat on the SAT's (which was one of the harder parts of the SAT's), and to sign my name. Why does cursive have the lockdown on signatures, anyway? Does it even matter, given that few signatures actually look like actual letters? Maybe it's time to teach kids spanish and skip the extraneous font styles. It's like teaching kids how to write in Book Antiqua.

2) Kids are goddamn enthusiastic which can be used for great good or great evil. Take "Greysen S" for example. On the one hand, he's being creative. On the other hand, he's spending time thinking up new rubber band bracelets for someone else to make so he can buy them.

Yikes, Greyson, yikes. This is why you're buying Silly Bandz and not selling Greysen Bandz. Also, if you go through the letters, you'll notice that nearly every child has one idea that can only be described as a "sword penis."

Target Audience:
Erin, of Ohio says (not altered), "The reason why I like Silly Bandz is because there not just bracelets and rubber bands they are bracelets that turn into animals and peace signs! I think that is so neat and smart to think of that idea." I look forward to seeing Erin in a drum circle at Golden Gate Park in about fifteen years.

This is what happens when you combine Silly Bandz with ADHD:

I want the kid from Friday Night Lights and The Blind Side to read that letter so badly! Also, bad news, Connor, but you won't be getting any silly necklaces.

"What about the silly necklaces makes them silly?"
"Oh, well, they strangle you."

I decided to conclude my research with an interview...with my sister, Switz...who teaches elementary school kids and works with young gymnasts, too:

ME: What can you tell me about Silly Bandz?
SWITZ: They are the SHIT if you're in elementary school. They're the latest craze.
ME: That's what I'm learning.
SWITZ: Yeah, all the kids at school/gym wear them-- they wear like 50 at a time.
ME: But when you wear them, they all look the same, right??
SWITZ: Yeah, it's like wearing an entire box of colored rubber bands.
ME: And what about regular colored rubber bands?

(regular colored rubber bands)
vs
(silly bandz)

SWITZ: Not cool.
ME: Still not cool.
SWITZ: Nope. The silly bandz all take the shape of things. Even though half of them look like nothing distinguishable and the other half look mildly obscene.

ME: I've noticed.
SWITZ: How did you hear about them?
ME: I saw them being sold on the street by one of the guys who usually sells fake DVDs.
SWITZ: Sounds about right.

Right on cue, Borders sent me a coupon for Silly Bandz this morning. I might not understand them, but one thing's for sure, just like pogs, beanie babies, M.A.S.K., Sky Commanders, Erector Sets, Popples, and laser discs, Silly Bandz are here to stay.

Wearing Over 20 Silly Bandz Stands For Your Parents Spending Too Much Money on Bullshit Toys,
Witz

Witz Flickz: Obsessed

2010-07-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this is a cautionary tale of how your Saturday night can suddenly take a dramatically sad turn or if it's an uplifting anecdote demonstrating the joyously unpredictable road of life, but instead of going out tonight like I planned, I am lying in my bed, preparing to watch Obsessed on Netflix Instant Viewing for your future enjoyment.

I NEVER planned on seeing this movie, until a fortuitous series of details came to my attention: a friend mentioned that Ali Larter was (to her detriment) in the movie, I noticed that both Idris Elba (of The Wire and oddly, The Office) and Beyonce are in the movie, and the movie was made available immediately for free. So, sit back, relax, and follow me on this erotic-thrillcoaster (also the nickname I have for my twin bed).

0 min: While the credits are rolling, let's talk about how the movie's tagline is "All's fair when love is war." That might be proper english and seem like it's clever, but...that doesn't actually MEAN anything, right? Just somethin' to think about...

1 min: Apparently, the movie couldn't afford capital letters in the credit sequence. Also, I don't know who "Scout Taylor Compton" is, but if that isn't a stage name, I don't know what is.

2 min: Idris Elba aka King Driis aka Stringer Bell and Beyonce are buying a house. This might be a good time to say what I know about the movie. All I know is that Idris Elba and Beyonce are married, and Ali Larter comes in and tries to seduce him, which leads to violence, threats, and sex. Jack McBrayer (Kenneth the Paige) basically explained the marketing best in Forgetting Sarah Marshall: "I like when they mix the sex and the violence."

4 min: Enter Ali Larter in the elevator. I heard they were originally going to call the movie, "The Black Crush," but were worried people would think it was a "Blue Crush" sequel. They should be so lucky.

5 min:
Ali Larter: I hate to shatter the illusion, but I'm a temp.
Idris Elba: A temp? I would never have guessed a temp.

Ali Larter then inexplicably drops all the shit she was carrying. Like, her arms just gave out. I absolutely would have said, "Ohhhhh, now I see. Is that, like, a condition? Are you like the Jim Abbott of temping?" I guess that's why I'm not being stalked by Ali Larter...

7 min: I don't know what this guy does, but everyone's wearing bluetooths (teeth?), so I know it's important.

8 min: Whoah! When did Jerry O'Connell slide into this movie?

9 min: "I think you mean temp-tress!" No, we get it, movie, but thanks.

10 min: Man, I wish I was good looking enough to get away with this:
"I'm Lisa, by the way."
"Hi, Lisa By-the-way. I'm Derrick."

Later:
"Hi, remember me?"
"Lisa By-the-way, right?"
"I'm impressed."

I guess when you have a winner, you stick with it. You know...like Witz Pickz...right?

12 min: Beyonce is wearing what can only be described as a hair condom. When Derek asks about it, she's like, "It's so people can't see my Halo. I was constantly being told how visible it was."

15 min: I don't care if it's a movie or not, if I was Jay-Z, I'd make the director put me as the stand-in for every partial nudity scene with Beyonce. And if the director asked why, he could be all, "It's so necessary."

18 min: Sharon (Beyonce) meets Lisa. It's unnecessarily tense and she is pissssed. Is this a racial thing? I think I need to go watch some Chris Rock stand-up so I can understand the dynamics at play.

20 min: I don't know how this is possible, but I definitely look cooler listening to "American Boy" in my station wagon then Idris Elba does tapping his hands on the steering wheel of his mercedes.

22 min: Lisa bonds with Derrick's old assistant, who's a gay white guy. "If you think you can pump me for information over a couple of cosmos...you're RIGHT," he says, striking a mischievous pose. I think I just figured out why Prop 8 passed. I can't figure out if this movie is trying to break down stereotypes or re-enforce them.

25 min: Things we didn't hear Jerry O'Connell say in Sliders: "I'd pick up that slack. That is one smokin' hot piece of ass."

Thing I assume was a line in The Wire as well as this movie: "Oh no, dude, I'm not in the game anymore. I'm retired and coaching."

26 min: Lisa and Derek are IM flirting! FINALLY, something I can connect with. Now here's everything wrong with it: 1) his screenname is "derek01." Did he graduate something in '01? Are there lots of Derek's on this IM platform, and if so, how do you remember who is derek01 and who is derek 02, 03, 04? 2) You're the Executive Vice-President of a seemingly major business firm. Why the fuck are you IMing and is your shift key broke, homie? How about some capitalization, and how much respect can you possibly expect when you use "luv," "thanx," and "get back '2' work."??

29 min: Ali Larter orders a dirty martini. "Make it filthy," she says. I can't believe she's able to drink anything what with that dead horse lying there.

31 min: At the office Christmas party (but not The Office Christmas party), Derek says, "A beer, three martinis AND tequila? No, I don't think so." Dude, you're 6'2'', 200+ pounds, and your nickname is DJ Big Driis. Drink the tequila.

32 min: Lisa's big plan involves getting Derek under the mistletoe, but it turns out that dangling plants aren't legally binding (in stark contrast to "dangling your plant" which can have very serious legal consequences). She does have a Plan B though, which is a little more extreme, in that Plan B is to RAPE HIM IN THE MEN'S BATHROOM WHILE HE'S PEEING. It's an awkward few minutes as she grinds up against him while he fights her off without trying to attract attention from outside the stall. I would actually say it most resembles my ex-roommate's cat molesting me in bed.

39 min: Lisa's lookin' so crazy right now-- lookin' so crazy in love. She hops into Derek's car unexpectedly wearing a trenchcoat (bomb or bombs?) and apologizes for the whole sexual assault thing. She then says she can't forget it and whips open her coat to reveal...lingerie. Sorry, but once you go whipped cream bikini, everything else is kind of a letdown.

41 min: Derek rejects her and she flips out. When is Hiro going to show up to mediate this whole thing?

42 min: Derek goes home to tell his wife what happened. He gets out, "I have something to tell you," but she cuts him off and says that she was just on the phone with her sister, who's husband has been cheating on her with a woman from work. What an excruciatingly coincidental event! "What were you going to tell me?" at which point he shoulda been like, "That's like Deja Vu (featuring Jay-Z)," but instead he goes all Beautiful Liar (featuring Shakira) and tells her she's Irreplacable and he would never do that.

44 min: Lisa quits, but Derek wants to do exactly what Stringer Bell would do-- report her to HR. Unfortunately, his last female assistant was Beyonce, so it might look bad. Apparently, temping is the new eHarmony.

46 min: Christmas morning and Beyonce's gifts appear to be a laptop cooling fan and a novelty sized nalgene.

48 min: Lisa sends Derek an email with a flirty picture of herself. It opens a whole bunch of times for some reason, and there's a tense race to close them all before Beyonce turns around and sees them. Anyone else kinda want to watch The Net, right now?

49 min: He emails Lisa to leave him alone and she replies immediately. It's supposed to be creepy, but like, she's unemployed. I take about the same response time.

50 min: "Speaking of Sharon, I told her I'd call before she puts Kyle down." I've been hearing people say this more and more and I think it's really weird to use the same language to talk about putting a child to bed and to euthanize an animal. One of these days, I'm going to have an annoying kid and my wife's going to say we should "Put our kid down," and I'll say I was thinking the same thing and then come trash day I'm gonna look like the bad guy.

51 min: How is there an hour left in this movie??

52 min: Lisa tracks Derek down during their office retreat and pours some roofies in his drink. You kind of have to admire this girl's dedication. Also, don't drink and watch Obsessed at 1 a.m. or you have thoughts like, "I don't think anyone loves me as much as Ali Larter loves Idris Elba in this movie."

53 min: Derek stumbles back to his room, falls on his bed, and the bathroom door opens. I'm hoping it's Omar, ready to pop out, gun him down, and end the movie, but it's Lisa (I promise that's the last The Wire reference-- I just finally started watching, am halfway through the second season, and am excited to be on the inside at last), lingerie-d and ready to sleep-assault. Meanwhile, I've never even been thrown a surprise party...

58 min: Every bat in the world must have empty bowels, because all the batshit on the planet is going towards this one girl's crazy. She threatens to tell "the truth" to everyone, and then OD's on pills while naked in Derek's hotel room, so she has to go to the hospital. Beyonce finds out what's been going on, doesn't believe Derek, blah blah blah...

65 min: Is it too far into the jokes to note that this is a lot like Othello?

67 min: Now that I've made an Othello reference, can I call it "Fatal Black-ttraction"?

75 min: The detective woman seems to believe Derek even though all evidence is to the contrary. Lisa has a sexy journal (the content is the description of graphic sexual liasons-- the journal itself is not unusually arousing), and is allegedly taken back to San Francisco by her sister. I knew she seemed familiar.

78 min: There's an extended How Derek Got His Groove Back montage as he tries to reconcile with Beyonce.

80 min: Hey babysitters, if you're on the job, in a rich person's house and the the doorbell rings, go ahead and ignore it. You ain't gettin' a super secret free pizza.

84 min:

Babysitter: You just missed your friend...
Beyonce: What friend?
Babysitter: You know, your friend Kate?
Beyonce: I don't know a Kate.

What?? She HAS to know a Kate. I know at least eight Kate's, and even if I didn't, I'd probably take more than one second before I ruled it out. Anyway, the moral of the story is that Lisa stole their son. Don't worry Derek, I know where your son is:

94 min: Lisa waits for Beyonce to leave, breaks into their house again, and starts going through all their stuff. Man, this girl is obsessed.
...
...
OHHHHHHHHH!!!! I JUST GOT THAT!

95 min: Part of me still thinks this might all be an elaborate Icing.

96 min: Beyonce comes back to the house, finds Lisa, and confronts her. Beyonce says, "You are completely delusional!" and then promptly turns her back to Lisa. They fight, and Beyonce must have had the theater audience (there had to be at least one, right?) cheering, but then decides her best move is to grab Lisa's leg and drag her, which, as all children who've wrestled know, will always lead to a kick in the face. They chase each other to the attic, Lisa falls through the ceiling, and as she plummets two stories into the WWF-style, fatefully placed coffee table, she probably thinks, "This is California, why didn't you build a raaaaaammmmblllleeeeerrrrrr!!!!"

105 min: It's been one-hundred and five painful minutes, and yet, the movie still manages to surprise me by ending ON A FREEZE FRAME FADE OUT. Classy. I guess they couldn't afford the star-wipe. Meanwhile, the Beyonce song with the lyrics, "I want to run...and smash into you..." awkwardly serenades over the credits, obvlivious of the last hour and a half. It's going to be tough for any of these people to take a worse role, but I'm all for trying to get Ali Larter to make a reality tv show entitled, "Larter Than Life." Look for it on Bravo this Fall.

I Made It the Entire Movie Without Making a "Single Ladies" Reference,
Witz

BONUS FOOTAGE: This is baffling. King Driis...

Witz Pickz: Bros Icing Bros -- A Prisoner's Dilemma

2010-07-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

Either Smirnoff Ice has marketing geniuses or humanity is continuing it's downward spiral towards its Nicholas Cage featured doom (that's called a teaser-- 2012 commentary coming soon...like, as soon as I decide it's a good day to give up hope and watch The Road and then send it back to Netflix).

When I first heard of "Bros Icing Bros," I assumed it was from some stupid commercial where one dude cockblocked another dude via a cold beer. When one of my roommates heard of it, she assumed it was footage of one guy pouring a cooler of ice over another guy. Unfortunately for the future of our planet, bros icing bros is a game involving bottles of Smirnoff Ice.

One guy presents a bottle of Smirnoff Ice to another guy, either by handing it to him or through some trickery. The game is played primarily by frat guys, Ed Hardy aficionados, and the general douchebaggy circuit, so I'm going to make this explanation sound as sexual as possible. The receiving bro proceeds to get down on one knee and pounds out the Smirnoff Ice. HOWEVER, if the receiving bro already has a Smirnoff Ice on his person, then the giver BECOMES the receiver and takes both ices while everyone else watches.

Video: Hipsters, "Baker," "vom," and is that the dude from Gossip Girl?

Now, I'm not going to say that bros icing bros isn't stupid, but let's take pause and consider the other games I've played or seen played:

The Ball Game: Not a drinking game, the ball game was played by friends of mine and meant that at any point, you could yell "Game On" and throw a ball at someone's crotch.

Two-Liter: Actually really fun, two liter was played in college and entailed filling a two-liter bottle partially with water and throwing it at someone ten or so feet away. The person has their back turned and is graciously allowed to cover their head with one hand and a kidney of their choice with the other. Don't knock it till you've tried it.

Edward Forty Hands: You know exactly what this is. Two forties, two hands, duct tape. Have fun trying to pee.

One, Two, Three, Drink!: Introduced to me by long-time Witz Pickz supporter C-Murder, this game is exactly what it sounds like. Someone says "One, two, three, drink!" and you do. "Oh, the places you'll go..."

With these games in mind, Bros Icing Bros at least contains the psychological and social issue of The Prisoner's Dilemma. You see, you have no reason to assume you are going to get iced. By buying a Smirnoff Ice, you protect yourself against attack, but you also have to a) purchase a Smirnoff Ice and b) possess a Smirnoff Ice. If nothing happens, you're just a dude with a bottle of Smirnoff Ice. On the other hand, if you don't get the Ice, you're susceptible to an Ice assault, devoid of defenses. At the same time, if you buy an Ice to Ice someone (presumably a bro), you have no way of knowing whether they also intended on icing you, and thereby posess an Ice, too. Is it safer to get an Ice (mutually assured destruction) or leave yourself defenseless (disarmament). That's a lot more complicated than chucking a half filled soda bottle at some guy's ass (but not nearly as amusing).

The website brosicingbros.com was shutdown by Smirnoff, but that doesn't mean they had nothing to do with its creation. At the same time, this is absolutely something people would make up, so I don't know what to think. No matter which it is, Smirnoff Ice wins; and, as Aliens vs. Predators told us, no matter who wins, we lose.

In College In Maine, We Absolutely Would Have Used Beast Ice Instead of Smirnoff...and I'm Odddly Proud of That,
Witz

P.S. The ultimate "icing" would have to be to ice someone while "ghost riding your whip," right?? Could anything top a drive-by ghost-ride-icing? (see also: how Witz dies)

Bros Icing Bros College Humor Video:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Creepin' Out Yer Neighbors

2010-06-30T05:09:00.000-07:00

You learn something new every day, and late last night, I learned that if you want to freak a girl out, simply shout at her from a distance, "ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CAT?!"

She turned and looked at me, roughly twenty yards away. Staring at her, I shouted it again: "EXCUSE ME! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CAT??" She quickly turned and hustled back inside.

Here's what was happening from my perspective: I was outside around midnight, taking in the first cool air I've felt in weeks, taking stock of my life, and occasionally talking on my cell phone. While I'm talking on the phone at the corner of a residential street, a girl rushes out of an apartment building, looks back and forth frantically, gesiculates wildly, and talks quickly into her phone. She then goes back inside. I turn, on the phone with my dad, and see a small cat with a bright blue collar peer skittishly from behind a car tire. The girl comes back outside, still frantic, and thus I tell my dad to hang on a minute, turn to the girl, and shout, "ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CAT!?" It's unclear if she knows I'm talking to her, so I add, "EXCUSE ME! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CAT??" I decide she's probably not, and so I conclude, "OK, I GUESS NOT! NEVERMIND!" but it's too late-- she has already run inside.

Here's what was happening from her perspective: While going outside to see if her ride was there, a man with headphones on spots her. She goes back inside, waits, and goes back out to look for her friends. They're not here yet, but that strange guy with headphones on is still there talking to no one, and he's looking at her again. "ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CAT!?" he might be shouting at her, but why the hell would she be looking for a cat? "Is that some kind of pick up line? Is he being lewd? Ew, what a creep," she thinks, and oh christ, he's saying it again. "EXCUSE ME! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CAT??" The creepy rapist lunatic with the headphones and bright white shoes takes a few steps towards her. Where the hell are her friends? They said they were outside, but they must have been on the wrong street, because when she came outside, they were nowhere to be found. "Like my body," she thinks as she sees that the psycho's getting closer. Where are her friends? "Fuck it," she thinks. "I'm not dying like this. Not tonight," and she rushes back inside to safety.

I blame what happened on two things: I was in a weird half-depressed, half-wistful mood, and was feeling like being particulary helpful towards strangers. I also must have been feeling an additional community vibe yesterday because earlier, I had been at the bank and while going through the revolving glass doors at the same time as another guy, and thought, "I like the necessary teamwork of revolving doors." Now, that's a weird thought to have, but it's true. We recognized that we were both going around and had to push and walk accordingly. It was like an urban Eagle Scouts test.

So what's the point of the story? Is it that you shouldn't shout at strangers, no matter how helpful you're trying to be? Is it that it's sad how disconnected we've become from our neighbors? How helpful interaction can be miscontrued as attempted violence? No. The point is that even though it wasn't hers, there was still a fucking cat out there and I totally didn't think to check the collar in case someone ELSE was looking for it. I guess I dropped the ball on that one. To be fair though, my creeper level would only have risen exponentially if I was actually holding and petting a cat, while walking towards the next person I saw, shouting, "ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CAT!?"

No, But Seriously, Are You Looking For a Cat?,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Cultural Disbelief

2010-06-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

There are certain conversations I just assumed I would never have. I never thought I'd actually have "the sex talk" with my mom right up until she shouted, "Just one drop, Witz! ONE DROP!!" at me after I bought my first girlfriend a silver-heart necklace.

I never thought I'd have a discussion about the show Medium (my sister and I did), I never thought I'd speak heatedly about the Project Runway season finale (guilty), and I never thought I'd have a conversation about whether The Game was a good movie or not until last Thursday night. I mean...it's THE GAME! It's not Rain Man or Braveheart, but it's a damn good movie. "I'll give you 100 dollars if you find a person who even heard of The Game, let alone likes it," My friend and Witz Pickz supporter, Chris, challenged me.

The conversation started when I said that Michael Douglas was a good actor. I was greeted with shock and was forced to list movies that I thought he was a good actor in: Wall Street, It Runs In the Family, Wonder Boys, Traffic, The American President, Falling Down, Fatal Attraction, and THE GAME. I was also able to simultaneously reveal to everyone present that I had a blog AND have seen Romancing the Stone-- so I have that going for me. Here's a picture of Michael Douglas looking like a squirrel:

Chris was incredulous. We asked around and everyone had either heard of, or liked The Game. Chris was unconvinced. So what do you people think? Am I crazy, here? The Game is sweet, right?? I'm baffled and still hoping I have 100 bucks coming my way. Yep-- that's how I'm making a living.*

I was similarly baffled when I was in Rite Aid the other day and saw that candy was buy one, get one free. That wasn't the baffling part-- the baffling part was that both Clark Bars and Whatchamacallits were in the mix. WHO in the HELLLL is buying either of those candy bars?? Have you ever bought one in your entire life? I'd say think hard, but you don't need to, because you absolutely have not. I'm not even saying they're bad bars (they are), just that given the options at every single candy bar outlet, there is simply never a time when anyone would choose those two bars over all of the other available options.

Do you even know what a Clark bar is? It's a worse Butterfinger bar. It's a Butterfinger bar that someone was able to lay their fingers on, and has since been repackaged with the word "CLARK" across the wrapper like a Wesley Clark campaign sticker. The ingredients aren't listed, but the nutrition facts read like a reverse Staples ad: "Vitamin A: 0%, Vitamin C: 0%." Hell yeah. I don't want to accidentally induce vitamins. I've only seen two kind of people eating a Clark bar-- the really old and the very homeless-- and BOTH need vitamins! Here's a Butterfinger poster that's weird in all the right places:

I have to assume the Whatchamacallit bar was introduced in 1978 by someone who was either really high or borderline illiterate. Here are some scenarios demonstrating why it doesn't make sense:

ANYONE: I made a new candy bar!
ME: Thank God, I'd hate to only have Snickers, Twix, Milky Way, Three Musketeers, Kit Kat, Skittles, M&M's, Hershey Bars, Crunch Bar, Butterfinger, Baby Ruth, Reese's Cups or Reese's Pieces as my options.
ANYONE: I told you never to mention Reese around me.
ME: The man is an institution.

ANYONE: What should I name it?
ME: I don't care.
ANYONE: That's what I should name it!
ME: What?
ANYONE: A "WhatshouldInameit!"
ME: Hm.

ANYONE: Dammit, but what will I call it?
ME: I don't care.
ANYONE: That's what I should name it!
ME: Huh?
ANYONE: A "WhatWillICallIt!"

ANYONE: Hand me that, please.
ME: Hand you what?
ANYONE: The...you know...the whatcha-ma-call-it...
ME: The remote?
ANYONE: No.
ME: The phone?
ANYONE: No.
ME: I have no idea what you want.
ANYONE: The candy bar!
ME: You couldn't remember the phrase, "candy bar?" Jesus.

ANYONE: I decided to name it a "Whatchamacallit."
ME: What? Why?
ANYONE: Because, you know, when you want a candy bar, but you can't remember the name, you say, "I'd like a...oh man...a whatcha-ma-call-it!"
ME: Dude, who are you hanging around that can't remember the names of candy bars? You need new friends.
ANYONE: But--
ME: "Oh man, I want the-- the-- shit...um...the one with multiple musketeers..."
ANYONE: No, but--
ME: "Ah shit, just get me the, uh, the circles that are like, parts of a whole, and belong to that dude..."
ANYONE: I--
ME: How high are you right now?
ANYONE: I'm not--
ME: How high are you?
ANYONE:.....Reasonably high.
ME: Reasonably high.
ANYONE: Reasonably high.

The Whatchamacallit bar is basically a shitty granola bar with a little caramel and chocolate-- but did you know the Thingamajig bar existed? In 2009, Hershey's made a concerted effort to stop being so racist and introduced the "Thingamajig" bar, which as you can see in the picture, is the photo-negative version of the Whatchamacallit, and yes, to answer your question, it does seem to be much larger. I'm still anxiously awaiting the buddy flick with the two bars, presented by Tyler Perry and including Martin Lawrence.

Here's something: Have you ever seen a full sized Krackel bar? I sure haven't. If Krackel only comes in fun-size, then it's only logical to assume that a full size Krackel bar must be either wildly unentertaining or incredibly laborious. Keep an eye out and report back.

Who Are the People Watching These Shows: Two and a Half Men, Hung, Royal Pains, Psych, Bones, The Mentalist**, The Big Bang Theory, and Lie to Me?,
Witz

*Just don't try this one: "Yo, I bet you 500 dollars that at least one person in this bar liked Houseguest."

**I saw a dude today who I thought was the main guy from The Mentalist, and you have no idea how badly I wanted to ask him, "ARE YOU THE MENTALIST?" in a loud, monotone voice. For the record, the proper response is, "No, but I bet you are."