I've had a few readers express their concern recently that my new job writing ad copy would somehow alter my blog posts. I understand where they're coming from, but I want to assure everyone that my writing will continue to be the same style and quality that you've come to expect over the years from a Witz Pickz post or even a good pair of Levi's jeans. Now, I know I haven't always been as dependable as the new 2012 Ford F-150, but I'm hoping to post more in the coming months to keep everyone as entertained as M-Dash and I were when we saw 21 Jump Street the other day. So sit back, relax, take a sip of that Smirnoff Vodka Cocktail, and enjoy:
(Uhhhhm, either that chick's so drunk she's gonna get boned by her poodle or Smirnoff's new campaign is that you'll get so drunk off their vodka that you'll be bangin' like rabbits. Both seem like a weird direction to take...)
I was at the grocery store a while back, probably shopping for some Nabisco snack products like Wheat Thins or Triscuits because they're big on flavor but low on fat, when something weird happened. Now, this was Key Food, not some Stop & Shop with every day low prices, so the only reason I was there in the first place was so I could buy something small and get some cash back. I went to pay and was swiping my debit card when the kid behind the counter said, "No cash back."
I liked the 1969 Striped Oxford shirt from Gap that he was wearing--it was 100% cotton and available in big and tall sizes--but I still needed my money. "Oh, shit," I said, dismayed. And that's when something unexpected happened. Upon hearing what I said, the woman behind me suddenly declared, "Ohhhhhh, he said a baaad wooooord!"
Astounded, I turned to look at the woman. It was an old lady with a sheepish, child-like smile on her face like when someone does something wrong and gets in trouble with their parents. I gave her a look which could only have meant, "Just how molested were you as a child??" and turned back to the guy at the counter. He smiled at me in a way that said, "Yeah, that lady's batshit crazy, but Miller 64 STILL only has 64 calories*." I nodded, took my bags, and left.
A thousand thoughts were running through my head as I left the store: "Why weren't they giving cash back?" "Where should I go to get money now?" "Who was that woman and how does she make it in NY on a daily basis if hearing 'Shit' is enough to get her worked up in a grocery store?" My head felt like it was crowded with graymail--you know, all those newsletters, daily deals, and social updates you choose to receive? I wished Hotmail was able to organize and manage my thoughts the way its new features handle graymail.
(Nope, that's not what you meant your ad to be.)
Overwhelmed, I decided to go back to my apartment. I returned disappointed and without cash, but I felt better when I remembered that Dove Men+Care had me smelling great and feeling clean just like it always did. And that's the same kind of consistency you can continue to expect on Witz Pickz.
The New iPad,
*I have to credit Roy Shivers for this reference.