I’ve had it with Andy Rooney. Completely. He’s always the very last segment of 60 Minutes and consistently leaves me enraged, but not about the war crimes or the corporate crime or the super popular crappy country singer, but because this freaking old out-of-date ass crab says he doesn’t like watching football on Sundays or using whitening toothpaste. Or like tonight, when he felt the need to rant on for far too long about how products how far too many flavors these days. You see, he drank Vanilla Coke by accident and was disgusted by the flavors. He likes vanilla. He likes Coke. He just doesn’t like Vanilla Coke. He then explained that he liked peanut butter and he liked jelly as a child, but he hated peanut butter and jelly. I waited five seconds to see if he was kidding before smacking the television screen and letting out a frustrated “BAH!” for my family. That’s right-- Andy Rooney ruins family dinners. There, I said it. He went on about how everything is combined now: RASBERRY iced-tea, Cranberry Almond Crunch, Mango-Tangerine Vitamin Water…these were big problems for him. Let’s just say my brow was furrowed. THEN, Andy Rooney can’t understand why FAT FREE products COST MORE! HAHA—OH ANDY! Andy Rooney is essentially THE WORST stand-up comedian EVER, but he’s too old and dug in to get thrown out.
It’s made worse by the fact that he never lets you know he’s kidding. He just goes on about how everything pisses him off and then leaves it hanging. AWFUL OLD MAN! Multiple busses should hit him. Multiple. At least the show always ends with one of the semi-legit hosts looking at the camera with that “Fucking Old Man Makes More Than Me For Shit Like That At Least He’ll Be Dead Soon” smile, and a goodnight. I know they’re on my side.
I think it’d be great if they got Andy Richter to sit down next to Andy Rooney from now on. It can be called Andy Versus Andy or Andy On Andy or Andy R. You Fucking Kidding Me? Andy Rooney can rant about popsicle jokes or whatever else is ruining his cushy life, and Andy Richter can give him the “what the eff?” look that he does so well and follow up with one of those lines that made his show not so much of a hit, like, “Give it up Grannnpa, the Great Depression happened, get over it!”
Does anybody LIKE Andy Rooney? Am I way out of touch with what
Fight Night: Andy Rooney vs. Mickey Rooney vs. The Band Rooney vs. Nit Romney on HBO—make it happen,