Falling: Almost everyone has had a dream in which they feel
as though they are falling. Sometimes it is off a cliff, sometimes from a
plane, or sometimes simply plummeting downward with no clear points to define the space.
This is a good thing. You are simply coming to terms with the fact that we are
all hurtling through time towards our guaranteed demise, staring wide-eyed as the
hard reality of death races up to meet you. Alternately, you might have eaten
some bad chicken. When faced with their own mortality, chickens often reflect
on their inability to fly despite having wings, traces of which sometimes
remain in the meat that is then consumed.
Teeth Falling Out: Another classic. Losing teeth is
primarily connected to the subconscious admission of poor dental hygiene. Sure,
flossing sucks and takes up valuable minutes, but ask any old person what they’ve
learned in their life and they’ll tell you, “Take care of your teeth.” In
addition, losing your teeth in a dream might be connected with watching too
much Homeland, because that shit is fucking sweet.
Losing Your Hair: You’re probably just worried about losing
your hair. I know I am. I’ll look absurd. Like if the kid from Mad Magazine and
Dr. Katz had a love child. Or, I guess, like my dad. Either way, it’s gonna be
a nightmare.
Being Chased: Running away from something in a dream is
often interpreted as the stress and pressures of day-to-day life chasing you
while you sleep and leaving you to run away as you are unable to confront your
problems. This is total nonsense. Being chased in a dream is your body’s way of
telling you it’s time to exercise. At some point soon, something is going to rend
our stable society to pieces, be it zombies, an economic crash, a snow-pocalypse,
a Tu-Pacalypse, or a super storm. Your brain is telling you it’s time to
prepare for the aftermath.
That seems like
plenty for today. Let’s move on to some interpretations of readers' dreams:
I had a dream that my husband and I were trying
to buy a home but we couldn't get approved for a loan because the bank
discovered that our cat had a serious gambling problem. –Submitted by “TLC”
I’m just gonna put this out there to get it out of the way
and then we can move on: Are you the “cat”? If not, we can go a little deeper. You’re most likely worried about such a big
investment and are subconsciously questioning if it’s a good idea. Adjustable-Rate
Mortgages are the gambling cats of the realty world, and you never know if you’ll
end up owing thousands more than you anticipated. Conversely, a Fixed-Rate
Mortgage is more stable, but will still leave you with a lot of money to pay
back over time. Perhaps your cat doesn't have a gambling problem—perhaps the
problem is that the cat is gambling at all.
I was sitting on a longboard in the middle of a
boundless ocean, which in and of itself was strange because I've never surfed
in my life. Then I heard this train conductor voice say "Allllllllll
Abooooooardddddd!" and I turned and behind me was an enormous wave that
caught me and lifted me maybe fifty feet, right in the middle of the wave,
which I rode in to a beach. I was sitting on a picnic bench drying off when my
ex-gf walked up and told me she was moving across the country and that we
needed to break up. Then she swam out into the ocean. –Submitted by "The Max"
Well, doesn’t your brain just mop up a mess nicely! I mean,
you got to ride a wave train!! I—whew. Professionalism. OK. So. I think it’s
pretty clear that in this dream the “ocean” represents the vastness of humanity—more
fish in the sea and whatnot—and the longboard is obviously a phallus. You’re
gonna “ride” that thing across the “ocean” to safety and comfort and, in the
end, you’ll be sitting happily on solid ground while your ex-girlfriend dives
back into the “ocean” away from you, with no other land in sight. Then again,
it could just mean you ate some bad chicken. You’d be surprised how often that’s
the case.
This Is the Only Time Anyone Is Ever Going to Ask You to
Talk About Your Dreams, So Jump On It,
Witz
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