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Friday, May 09, 2008

Witz Pickz: Friday Array

Consider this the assorted chocolates box of the Witz Pickz world:

Stereotype Fulfilment: The other day as I was waiting for the elevator, the doors opened and a friendly black man walked out carrying a large watermelon and humming joyfully. I was so shocked by the stereotype fulfilment that I tried to think of something very white that I could do to balance things back out. At the time all I could think of was to start diligently doing my taxes, or to start oppressing him, but after long, drawn out deliberation with my friend Hello Leslie, we determined that what I should have done was purchase a bottle of 1000 Island Salad Dressing.

Tax Evasion: Speaking of doing taxes, what the hell is up with Wesley Snipes not paying his?? I'm twenty-five and broke and I pay my taxes, why didn't Wesley Snipes suck it up and pay his? I guess while he was going around, "always bet(ting) on black," he never reported his winnings. Now he's going to jail for several years because of it, and while I'm positive that "Blade" would have a safe, protected jail experience, I'm not so sure I can say the same thing for "Willie Mays Hayes." Pay your damn taxes! We all do.

Stamp Rate Increase: I'm not sure there is any other business in the world that comes across so blatantly as dicks. The USPS continues to increase stamp prices, but not in a way that allows them to make dramatic increases in money or to make it simple for the few people who still use the USPS to use their old stamps. No, they increase their cost ONE FRIGGEN CENT. So those of us who have 41 cent stamps, need to spot up the extra CENT to send mail, or buy a package of 1 cent stamps. I find it hard to believe that 1 cent stamps cost LESS THAN 1 CENT to produce. The USPS needs a new gig, because there isn't about to be a snail mail explosion (metaphorically).

Charging the Mound: I haven't seen someone charge the mound in years, so it was very refreshing to see Richie Sexson charge the mound against the Rangers last night. He ran straight for the pitcher after almost getting hit by the pitch, chucked his helmet right at the guy and then tackled him and started punching while the rest of the players from both sides charged into the ruckus. The best part was watching the pitcher realize that 6'8, 240 lbs Sexson was actually running at him and just duck to prepare for the damage. On the downside for Mariner fans, with a .208 AVG. this year, that was the biggest hit Sexson has had all season.

I'm Not There (this one's kind of like the fruity nougat chocolate): The Dylan bio-pic like never before had some great acting, but it occurred to me about 15 minutes in that I neither know much about, nor really care much about Bob Dylan. All the references were pretty much lost on me, and I ended up being pretty confused on a lot of the story threads, but I did love the acting and seeing the unique vision into who Bob Dylan really is...besides a sixty-something year old man who looks and dresses like a pirate...

Hi Fives & Dives,
Witz

P.S. I don't know what that means either...

2 comments:

Nick V said...

first, the usps is not allowed to increase their rate more than inflation for the past year, because of some boring legal stuff having to do with the fact that they have a government-subsidised monopoly on first-class mail. the one-cent increase will make them billions of dollars this year (not an exaggeration), which they need to keep up with escalating costs (see gas, etc.

second, now they have these things called forever stamps so you don't need to buy 1 cent stamps anymore.

Witz said...

Yeah...I know...you've caught me being faux uninformed for the sake of having something to write about. I have been far too informed on stamp issues at work...

I didn't know the legal stuff though, that's interesting.

And while I totally know forever stamps exist, aren't you a bit wary about the "forever" aspect? I even asked our in house post office guys about it and said, "so if the base stamp price goes up to $4, I can still use 1 forever stamp?" and he said yes. But you just KNOW they'll pull something so that's not the case. If I were someone who mailed stuff I would say, "That's too good to be true."

And who doesn't want to walk into a post office and act like a high roller saying, "I'd like 1000 one-cent stamps, please!"