Witz Pickz: !!Weekend Roundup!!

Check it out, I've repackaged the "Monday Melange" as a hip new Monday segment called "The Weekend Roundup." It's gonna be the same stuff I'd write about anyway, but with this sleak new marketing, I hope to trick you into being more excited and prone to laughter than usual. Also, I forgot what number "melange" I'm on and am not even willing to make the effort to scroll down and figure it out!

On Friday night I finally figured out what to say to famous people! My friend DC Cab was in town with his girlfriend and we ended up at a wine bar that was extremely confusing in that it was swanky, but playing Notorious B.I.G. songs-- presumably for white hipsters who like to enjoy a glass of fine wine while hearing large black men demand "the loot." Or maybe people just like hearing what Biggie would do if he were in their position:

"Soon as he buy that wine I just creep up from behind and ask what your interests are, who you be with-- things to make you smile, what numbers to dial. You gon' be here for a while, I'm gon' go call my crew, you go call your crew-- we can rendezvous at the bar around two."

Oh Biggie, no you can't, the bar will be closed at two. Anyway, when I ordered a Fat Tire instead of wine and got a look from the bartender, I fought back the urge to take my queue from B.I.G. and explain to her, "motherfucking right, my pocket's looking kind of tight."

The other confusing thing about the bar was that it was theoretically a place where you bought wine to drink, but was ALSO a big, barely attended room with bottles of wine everywhere, to be sold during the day. There was a time in high school when taking things like signs, posters, ashtrays, etc. was playful and referred to as "ganking" something, not stealing. That bar was the first time since those years when I honestly felt like it would be ok to simply "gank" a few bottles of wine, and the others agreed. "Hm, should we buy a glass of wine for 10 bucks, orrrr, have these eight bottles for free?" It was almost as if they were daring us to do it because it would make us uncool. It was the same urge that hits me every time I walk past an unattended Wonder Bread truck with, like, hamburger buns in the back. I don't possibly need them, and could probably get in trouble, but THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE! I imagine more people would get this urge and possibly follow through if they showed up already drunk. Thankfully, I never had the chance to follow through with my urge to steal because DC Cab had spotted a guy that looked astoundingly like one of the three helpers on Mythbusters.

This was because the man was, in fact, one of the three helpers from Mythbusters. Tory-- which is spelled like one of his parents wanted to name him Troy, but had a lazy eye that got out of control right as they were writing the name down. We debated what we should do about this Mythbusting Assistant, as well as what the implications were for DC Cab having accurately identified one of the non-independently-mythbusting-mythbusters. After great debate, his girlfriend went over and pretended that she was way into the show, even though she hadn't seen it before. Tory was very astounded, to say the least, and finally delivered a line he must have been saving for years, "It's not everyday that a hot chick comes up and tells me she watched my show!" and then they hugged. My brain finally clicked into gear and I had something to say to this "famous person."

ME: (stepping closer to the guy with DC Cab in tow) Sure, but I bet you get the hot chick's boyfriend who actually watches the show coming up a lot more often, huh?

Tory stared at me for a second while my words registered and then slumped against the wall. "OH MAN!" he exclaimed, dejected, but much more himself. We talked for a few more minutes, I think I admitted that I'd only seen the show a few times, and concluded awkwardly with the stellar line, "Keep up the busting!" which did attract a little more attention to our conversation, but probably not the right kind.

Saturday night we celebrated the fact that we closed the Johnson account. Woo! Johnson account! Yep-- that's an inside joke for a few of my readers. I won't make a habit of it. During this stretch we were "those guys" on the public bus, met and dismissed a man who looked like a live action version of Donkey Kong, and I told an old man that I hated us too, which made him laugh, which made me smile, which had no effect on him one way or the other. We went to a club where I danced, which is always a great idea, because I'm nothing if not born to hip-hop dance.

We bailed mid-sentence while talking to some girls because my friend declared, "I hate this girl, I hate everybody, we need to leave, fuck you Witz," which are the 14 words to my heart. We avoided the police, a fight, and vomiting in the cab, which was the triple crown for the night, and the cabbie and I became BFF. I hate us, too.

Sunday was a big tv day, which was great, because I haven't had a chance to rant about commercials lately. Fortunately, I saw some doozies. First up, was football, and so I saw this gem of a Quiznos commercial: a shot of a meatball sub and the announcer guy saying, "Too many balls on the field! NO SUCH THING!" Nothing more to say there-- I just laughed for a while. I later saw an updated version where they say, "Too many MEATBALLS on the field! NO SUCH THING!" which is still weird and confusing and funny because there should never be meatballs on the field-- it's a field on which professional sports are played. Which fattie lineman is stuffing beef down his face on the field at such a pace that he actually drops one onto the field? Even if it's not a league penalty that the referee would call, it's still not something that should be acceptable NFL behavior. Maybe Quiznos should just stick to toasting stuff.

My other favorite was with this chick who is standing in her pajamas talking to the camera. She says, "I may be in my pajamas, but I'm not going to bed-- I'm taking online classes to get my degree!" Wooow. She's gonna be all kinds of ready for the real world. Aside from the fact that going to class in pajamas was not exactly rare in college, this girl is essentially saying, "Not only am I not ready to step up and make the commitment to go to school and get a degree, but I'm one of my primary reasons for not doing so is that I really only want to wear clothes I can sleep in." That's a pretty serious level of lazy. I half-expect her to be in other commercials as we watch her life progress towards a sad and bedsore ridden end: "I may be lying naked in the shower, but I'm not bathing-- I'm looking into the endless abyss that is my life and trying to find one single reason not to slash my wrists right here and now!"

Just this morning I checked my Netflix Queue and was dismayed to discover that Bee Movie has been shipped. I have since received an email telling me the same, which is great, because when Netflix emails you stuff like that, it's like your buddy's trying to get you excited for plans you guys have later on (and that's a nominee for saddest thing Witz has ever said on this site). The problem is that I'm not excited for Bee Movie. It was one of those movies that I clicked on to add to my queue just so I remembered it existed, but without the intention of it ever making it up past spot number 30. You need some place holders at the end of your list; Bee Movie, No Reservations, and First Sunday have been really great in that respect. But now, through some sort of mishap, Bee Movie is heading towards my mailbox. When talking about my conundrum, I was informed that it's "actually kinda cute," which is clearly a ringing endorsement. "Surprisingly, a movie about bees vaguely taps into your unconscious desire to sympathize with cute creatures through anthropomorphism!" I guess I have to ask-- is it cute to watch as a dude, alone, in a twin bed, on a weeknight? Because that's my typical netflix scenario. These are the barometers of life.

Tell Your Friends, To Get With My Friends and We Can Be Friends, Shit We Can Do This Every Weekend,

Witz