Google
 

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Involuntary Bulimia and Shaking Like A Polaroid Picture

Tuesday's post was described by some of my readers as "Confusing," by others as, "not your best," and by one avid fan as, "Awful." I admit that my Memorial Day post was weak at best, but rather than take full responsibility for choosing to write about a story where I DON'T get pulled over by the police, I'd like to defer some blame to my stomach. You see, my stomach must have thought it needed to squeeze into a dress for the prom, because starting at 9am Tuesday, I became the world's most dedicated involuntary bulimic.

The problem with waking up and feeling sick in your stomach is that you don't know if you're sick or just hungry. So you start talking to it like it's a small child and feed it things in the hopes of feeling better:

WITZ: Do you like cereal? (eat cereal)
STOMACH: No, go away.
WITZ: Do you like toast and peanut butter?
STOMACH: I said no, stop it.
WITZ: Do you like Triscuits and cheese?
STOMACH: I will kill you.
WITZ: Do you like Lemon-Lime Gatorade?
STOMACH: That's it, let's do this thing.

Ya ever simultaneously throw up and feel like you pulled multiple chest and back muscles from doing so? I'm like the David Copperfield of poor health. Also, when people say Jesus is inside each and every one of us, do they mean he's in our stomachs performing miracles? Because how else am I able to eat THREE triscuits and moments later have what must be an entire box of woven grains powering back out the old mouth hatch? Chanukkah Part 2.

At night, my stomach decided to take a break and gave my body the opportunity to play a game called, "Let's Pretend You Just Quit Heroin Cold Turkey." If you want a quick way to workout your back and abs, but can't afford that little electric belt thing, just try to SHIVER UNCONTROLLABLY for a while. My friends Nitro and Diep Dish came by to drop off Gatorade ("So naturally, we called it Gator-Ade." Two things: 1) I guarantee a sick Jew huddled around a toilet shivering was not the initial target demographic of Gatorade and 2) Then why didn't you name it "Gator-AID??" I guess to be fair, they probably dodged a bullet given that once AIDS got huge, it would be more than a little awkward to ask a buddy to get some "Gator-AIDS" if he has the chance. The real winner though is Powerade. Nobody wants to get "Poweraids.") and as I left my bed to meet them, dressed from head to toe in gray sweat-gear (special thanks to K-Mitch for the sweatshirt that is extremely comfortable and will now haunt my memories), I felt as though I had just jumped naked into a snowbank. We tried to make conversation, but it was probably clear I wasn't up for it, and here's why: You know in movies when someone is touched by a ghost and suddenly gets really really cold? THAT'S HOW I FELT ALL THE TIME. Nobody wants to be the last person to see you before you die, so the two hurried along and I hustled back into bed.

My body then began repeating the same question in a less than subtle manner. It asked me, in very clear and precise terms, if I would rather live in THE ARCTIC CIRCLE...or...THE SAHARA DESERT?? Which one, Witz? ARCTIC? SAHARA? ARCTIC? SAHARA? My answer, incidentally, is The Arctic Circle. You can only get so naked before you're just a sweaty naked guy with no more options, but you can always throw on another baby seal coat. Anyway, there's only so much a guy can take before he calls him Mom to blame her for everything.

RING RING

Witz's Mom: Hello?
Witz: Remember yesterday when you asked if I was feeling OK, and I said yes, I actually haven't been sick in a while?
Witz's Mom: Yeah?
Witz: Way to jinx it. I have a fever and my stomach is putting the Bellagio Fountain to shame.
Witz's Mom: Oh no! Well, you probably have swine flu.
Witz: What!?
Witz's Mom: I told you you'd get swine flu!
Witz: You TOLD me?? I'm not even Mexican!
Witz's Mom: Yep. (pause) I bet you didn't shower with salt did you?
Witz: No, I didn't shower with salt! Why were you jinxing me with swine flu?? Haven't you read The Secret???
Witz's Mom: If you'd used salt like I told you...
Witz: Right. This is my fault. Because I didn't bring a shaker of Morton's into the tub with me.
Witz's Mom: I'm just saying.

CLICK

When your own mom assumes you're going to get swine flu it's time to re-evaluate your life. I pounded some Nyquil and waited for sleep to have its way with me. Since my body was already taken care of, sleep decided to destroy me mentally. Throughout the night, I had no fewer than three major stressful things in my life resolve themselves positively. What a nice, nice, relaxing sleep. THEN I WOKE UP. Boom. How's reality, motherfucker? Woot. Shattered. As my brain and body high fived, and I leaned into the business end of a Safeway Paper Bag*, I had one single thought that gave me hope:

At Least I'll Have Something To Post About,
Witz

*Now imagine that a Safeway Paper Bag has thoughts and lives only to serve its noble purpose of temporarily storing and transporting groceries. Now imagine it being used as an emergency vomit receptacle. (In a high pitched voice) "Light at last! I am ready deserving shopper! I await the bounty that you have purchased! Good good, place in me now your-- OH DEAR GOD!!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING!? AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

29 comments:

Lindy said...

Your medical escapades never cease to amaze me!

Anonymous said...

Hey guys!

I know some folks here who have gotten results with Male-Extra penis enhancement pills. Im just about to order as i've been hearing amazing results with it. But first off, I want to know if Male Extra does it work as good as they say it does?

I know 1-2 inches Penis growth is realistic and easily accomplished. But I'd like REAL FAST penis growth in the 5 inches range. Dont laugh, I want to have the best penis growth possible because my new girlfriend dated a friggin porn stud!

Guys here know what im talking about?

I want...no make that I NEED to know the best way to enlarge Penis. Male-extra pills promises 3 inches growth within several weeks or they return your money. So I guess that essentially means, if my penis dont grow real fast? They lose money, coz I got to use the pills at the same time get my money back right?

Does this seem like a scam?

Please reply at the soonest possible time!
I need to make a decision fast!

Im already sold on it to be honest, but I just need that one last push so I dont put this off any longer.


The advertisement for the pill I last saw at this site. I hope its still there.

http://cloakedlink.com/hhtaaoleta

K guys thanks. Hope to hear your feedback alright? Bye :D

[url=http://bufosalvarius2.zoomshare.com/2.shtml]DmtFromToadsDmtToadDmtToadsFindBufoAlvariusFrogHallucinogenFromBufoAlvarius[/url]
[url=http://bufosalvarius2.blogetery.com/2009/12/17/5-meo-dmt-toad-alvarius-colorado-river-toad-bardo-pond-bufo-alvarius-bofu-toad-bufa-frog-2/]5MeoDmtToadAlvariusColoradoRiverToadBardoPondBufoAlvariusBofuToadBufaFrog[/url]
<>
http://cloakedlink.com/flajkuttin

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.kfarbair.com][img]http://www.kfarbair.com/_images/_photos/photo_big7.jpg[/img][/url]

בית מלון [url=http://www.kfarbair.com]כפר בעיר[/url] - שירות חדרים אנחנו מספקים שירותי אירוח מגוונים גם יש במקום שירות חדרים הכולל [url=http://www.kfarbair.com/eng/index.html]אחרוחות רומנטיות[/url] במחירים מיוחדים אשר יוגשו ישירות לחדרכם!

לפרטים נוספים אנא גשו לאתר האינטרנט שלנו - [url=http://kfarbair.com]כפר בעיר[/url] [url=http://www.kfarbair.com/contact.html][img]http://www.kfarbair.com/_images/apixel.gif[/img][/url]

Anonymous said...

days 21 and quintessential some grown up toys? supremacy jobless [url=http://www.avi.vg]sex toys [/url] online, athletic retell of grown-up toys like [url=http://www.avi.vg/category.php?a=shacking up4sexx&cid=3]vibrators [/url] and [url=http://www.avi.vg/category.php?a=lovemaking4sexx&cid=30]dildos [/url]at www.avi.vg , assent to the despatch, another elephantine focus on up to get hold of [url=http://www.ewgpresents.com]viagra online[/url] is the all added http://www.ewgpresents.com and the unrivalled ed rx [url=http://www.rxpillsmd.net]online viagra[/url] apothecary www.rxpillsmd.net , and the extremity generic [url=http://www.generic4you.com]viagra[/url] a non-specified expanse at www.generic4you.com or at www.generik4u.com the [url=http://www.generik4u.com]sildenafil citrate[/url] shop.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.c-medical.biz/]buy cialis[/url] and [url=http://www.medical-250l.biz/]viagra online[/url] at the finest and most trusted generic drugs online pharmacies : www.c-meical.biz and www.medical-250.biz ,
constraint our ungentlemanly prices voyage of viagra, cialis, levitra and more drugs online.

Anonymous said...

Hi all

Very new to this..... and just want to say hello to everyone!!! Would love to hear from you all......re your experiences of forums, interests I like gardening, reading and chilling out with friends

Take care, Dennis from [url=http://www.myonlinepayday.com]Online Payday Loans[/url] website!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

viagra online without prescription buy viagra for women in us - best place purchase viagra online

Anonymous said...

Hi to еvеry , fоr the гeason thаt I am in faсt eager
οf геading this blog's post to be updated daily. It carries fastidious information.

Feel free to surf to my website Utility Company
Here is my web page - bucket truck

Anonymous said...

soma muscle relaxant usan soma pills - buy soma underwear

Anonymous said...

soma muscle relaxant soma buy online no prescription - makes soma pills

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol hydrochloride 50 mg addiction - tramadol 50mg vs vicodin

Anonymous said...

Ηey there, I think уοuг blog might be havіng bгowsеr
сompаtibіlіty isѕueѕ.
When Ι loοk аt youг blog site in Іe, it looκs fine but when oρening
in Internet Еxρlorer, it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give yοu а quicκ hеads uр!
Оthег then that, аwesome blοg!


Ηеre is mу ωeb blog .

.. tens unit

Anonymous said...

Hi, і thinκ that i saw you visіted my sіte so i came to
“return the favοr”.I'm attempting to find things to improve my web site!I suppose its ok to use some of your ideas!!

Here is my blog: tens machines
My site > tens unit

Anonymous said...

alprazolam mg drug test does xanax show up - xanor 0 5mg alprazolam

Anonymous said...

Thіs pоѕt іs in fact a fastidious
one it asѕists new nеt viewers, who are wіshing for blogging.


my blog Http://Www.Streetsmarttaxi.Com/
Also see my website: irving taxi blog

Anonymous said...

buy generic cialis online no prescription compare price cialis viagra - cialis 8 cpr

Anonymous said...

cialis professional cialis commercial 2012 - buy cialis professional

Anonymous said...

xanax online no prescription snorting generic xanax - xanax xr generic price

Anonymous said...

learn how to buy tramdadol tramadol rx purchase - tramadol hcl bluelight

Anonymous said...

buy klonopin online klonopin medication - klonopin dosage compared to valium

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol buy tramadol online in florida - buy tramadol at walmart

Anonymous said...

klonopin online no prescription overnight withdrawal of klonopin - quickly does klonopin start working

Anonymous said...

cheap klonopin number klonopin overdose - klonopin 5mg effects

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online what does tramadol high feel like - tramadol (ultram) 50 mg tablet

Anonymous said...

learn how to buy tramdadol tramadol hcl withdrawal symptoms - tramadol 800mg

Anonymous said...

http://www.integrativeonc.org/adminsio/buyklonopinonline/#buy hydrocodone klonopin erowid - does 2mg klonopin look like

Anonymous said...

Composing articles is often touted as a very good way to drive traffic to your internet site and increase product sales. Even so, until you can draw in viewers, your articles will just rest there without having done you a bit of good. This short article contains some pointers on how you can draw a more substantial market to the posts, which implies a greater income for you. [url=http://www.ss12w12ws.info]Dividfr5y4en[/url]

Anonymous said...

Check if your network marketing supplier gives JIT get satisfaction. JIT (just over time) satisfaction means you get products only when your potential customers purchase them. That alleviates the difficulties some multi-level marketing marketers have with possessing a bunch of stock laying around the house holding out to be distributed. [url=http://www.xxxw12woo.info]sc7u65j7[/url]