1) It sounds like the cutest kid in the world telling someone what they want for dessert.
2) It sounds like the most delicious natural disaster possible. "Sorry, I'm going to be late, I got caught in a cheesequake on the way home! Don't wait for me to eat-- I'm full now."
3) It sounds like what they would name a rollercoaster in Wisconsin.
4) It sounds like a good way to sum up my eating habits and physical form when I was in Paris. I ate pounds of brie, camembert, and chevre in a nine day span. "Whew, that guy looks like he went on a cheesequake if I've ever seen one."
On the way to New Jersey, I was able to enjoy the severe awkwardness of a New Jersey gas station. They don't allow people in Jersey to pump their own gas because apparently the state of New Jersey trusts its residents with gasoline about as much as I trust a Flock of Retarded Asians to mail my Netflix movies. Since I only get gas in NJ during long car trips, I inevitably get out of the car to stretch my legs and am told that I'm not allowed to pump my own gas. I then have to tell the attendant that I know, but I wanted to stretch my legs, which then leads to me standing awkwardly by the attendant who is pumping my gas while I do overly flagrant calisthenics and yogic maneuvers to prove that I needed to stretch and did not simply think I could pump my own gas. Because then I might look stupid. Another subtle, but affective bitch slap courtesy of Life.
(This wasn't the most relevant gas pumping photo I could find, but it's a fairly convincing argument in favor of letting people pump their own gas...probably while drunk driving)
While on the train from NYC to CT today, I enjoyed the dulcet tones of a middle-aged hispanic woman YELLING INTO HER PHONE FOR NINETY-MINUTES STRAIGHT! She sat down directly behind me on the train because I attract crazies the way Denny's attracts budweiser hats. In fact, this was the second time in two days that luck had placed the gems of humanity in the seat behind me. While going to see Year One**, with the theater half-empty, Two Girls Who Are American And Who's Ancestors Might Have Come From Africa sat down behind us and put in a solid ninety-minutes of fulfilling preconceived notions and stereotypes. Oh, and guess what, white people? Teenage black girls are saying "tight," which is totally baffling because I thought "tight" was a word that white people already stole from black people, like, ten years ago! Did they steal it BACK*** or is this like how 80's music is making a comeback?? God, I can't wait to say "butter" again.
ANYWAY! This lady was on the train behind me, yelling in spanish into her phone, which was jarring, because spanish is a beautiful language that can rhythmically lull me to sleep, especially if I'm on a train, but YELLING in spanish can sound a whole lot like angry bees-- and this wasn't just yelling-- it was yelling at speed. The whole thing made me feel like I was in an SAT question: If Esperanza is on a train going 60mph and is talking on the phone at 80mph in the opposite direction, how fast are her words moving?? The answer is, "It doesn't matter because white guys in polo shirts don't get to turn around and tell perturbed elderly women that 'You're at an 8...and I really need you at about a 2, ok?'" Checkmate.
A large part of me (insert penis joke here...yes, that was a way for me to make a penis joke without ACTUALLY lowering myself to making a penis joke) wanted to take out my cell phone and start yelling at full volume about inane things:
"HI MOM IT'S ME AND YES I DO WANT TRISCUITS AND CHEESE WHEN I GET HOME, BUT IF YOU BUY THEM AT THE SUPERMARKET BUY THE SMALLER BOX NOT THE FAMILY SIZE BECAUSE A) EVEN IF YOU BUY THE FAMILY SIZE YOU AIN'T GETTIN' ANY AND B) FOR SOME REASON THE SMALLER BOX TASTES BETTER AND THE FAMILY SIZE TENDS TO TASTE OVERWHELMINGLY LIKE THEIR RETARDED COUSIN AT TRADER JOE'S, 'WOVEN WHEATS.' I DON'T KNOW HOW I KNOW, BUT I KNOW AND THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT HAUNT ME AT NIGHT-- THESE ARE THE TYPES OF PROBLEMS I'M DEALING WITH THESE DAYS. I GOTTA GO, I THINK I'M ABOUT TO GET MY ASS KICKED." (that was the first time in my life I utilized caps lock)
So, much like Charlie Chaplin or the thousands of Germans who were around in 1942 and recently got all worked up when Tom Cruise made the movie Valkyrie, I said nothing.
If Witz's Train To Hell Is Travelling At 70mph, and Witz Types at 90wpm, How Many More Posts Can You Realistically Expect Before He Is Smitten (Not In the Good Way), Assuming the Existence of a Reasonable God?,
Witz
*Anyone else getting the "Victims of Sexual Abuse" ad on the page? I wonder which one of my posts queued up that downer...also it says, "Justice for Victims of Child Abuse, Molestation In Delaware." How incredibly specific, Google Ads! "Justice...yes!...for Victims of Child Abuse...go on!...Molestation...good!..in-- Delaware? Shit. This link is useless to me."
**Judd Apatow's "Gigli"-- Michael Cera was mildly amusing, but the two tween girls walking out in front of me summed it up best with this exchange: "This was your fault. You made me see Year One. Those are two hours I will never have back," the first girl declared. "I am so sorry," came the reply. I left during the credit sequence outtakes-- and I'm a sucker for outtakes. In other news, Kung Fu Panda was the shit.
***I could make a mean "Charter Oak" joke here for all you Connecticut folks out there, but I'll restrain myself. Just know that it was possible.
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