Continuing the low-brow humor, Turbo showed me this infomercial and I obviously had to post about it...
The Comfort Wipe:
First of all, I like how they qualify, "The first improvement to toilet paper, AS WE KNOW IT, since the 1880's." Like there might be some toilet paper out there that they know nothing about, but they still might get sued for not recognizing its existence. Next, they tell us that it's anatomically designed to fit the contours of my body. Listen-- it's a stick that curves slightly and it will be traversing the landscape from my balls to my anus-- how anatomically correct does it need to be? "It's as easy to use as a shower brush." Honestly, if you need a stick to wipe with, I think it's a giant assumption that people are already dextrous experts with a shower brush, even though they probably are your target audience.
"Being a big guy certainly has its advantages...and its disadvantages." REALLY? Name ONE advantage. Nothing against big people, but I'm guessing "not being able to wipe your own ass" pretty much knocks any advantages out of the park. "It's embarrassing to have someone help you with your personal matters. The comfort wipe allows you to maintain your dignity WHILE you maintain your personal hygiene." A) I'm confused. Does the comfort wipe do your taxes? B) Was the previous solution to maintaining your dignity NOT maintaining your hygiene? "You know what, I still have my pride-- I just won't use any toilet paper." I imagine your dignity doesn't stick around very long if your personal hygiene is taking that kind of vacation time.
If you're not already terrified of using the Comfort Wipe, here's something that might do the trick: while I was watching tv, I saw another infomercial that had me thinking, "Wait, why does this product look familiar??" and then I realized, it was the SAME AS THE COMFORT WIPE. Introducing, the Windshield Wonder:
Utilizing both alliteration and classic Stick Technology, the Windshield Wonder boldly asks the question, "Why stop at asses?" After all, this is America-- and these colors don't run...because they're morbidly obese, believe McDonald's fries are a vegetable, and need to buy two seats on the airplane when they travel to somewhere cooler in the summer, because when they sweat in the heat all the neighborhood animals think someone's frying chicken. If someone can't reach their own ass, they probably can't reach their own windshield to clean it. Well played, Windshield Wonder.
Here are a few quick notes about the informercial:
1) I love how difficult they make cleaning everything to be. The models actually put themselves in the most awkward, difficult positions possible. The women is seated in the passenger seat, practically with her seatbelt on. "Hard to reach interior glass" is the BACKSEAT WINDOW.
2) I love the Sci-Fi Future Technology font.
3) Peep the extended autistic child shot at 0:46.
4) How fucking high do you have to be to smile while dusting your home?
5) Did Julie B kill Simba and steal his mane?
6) "That's two Windshield Wonder kits! One for your car, and one for almost every other surface in your home." I think we both know the surface they're referring to.
If you need the Comfort Wipe, you might as well just get the Super Toilet.
Puttin' the "A-S-S" Back in "Classy,"
Read this transcript from a guy who tried to return The Comfort Wipe.