Witz Pickz: On Twitter!

@WitzPickz is now on Twitter!!!...and I feel like an 80 year old man, because I don't have any clue what that means. You see, I swore I'd never use twitter-- when I asked someone what twitter was a while back, they described it by saying, "It's like a status message on facebook." Ohhhhh, so all the worst parts of humanity condensed and delivered right to my web browser-- excellent. I just don't need to share my every thought or movement, nor do I have any interest in knowing when every individual person I know eats a bagel, hates Mondays, or encountered someone they thought was hot. Nothing personal, I just don't care if you, "needs a new tube of toothpaste," or are having, "Lunch, YUM!" So I missed the whole introduction to Twitter when I was culturally supposed to get it and now don't understand a damn thing.

In order to get a better idea of what I should do, I talked to my friend The ATX (who helped start the company TweetRiver.com and if you think I know what they do, you're crazy) and a few other friends:

ME: So what should I twitter?
THEM: Tweet.
ME: Excuse me?
THEM: Not twitter-- tweet. It's called a tweet.
ME: That doesn't sound like anything I would ever want to be associated with.
THEM: Well, that's what it's called.
ME: I don't think I ever want to be accused of "tweeting."
THEM: Whatever. Just write about what you're doing.
ME: I'm sitting here naked except for a towel talking to you about twittering...
THEM: Why are you only wearing a towel?
ME: Can we please stay on topic??

ME: So how do I get people to read my stuff?
THEM: You write funny stuff and then, hopefully, they follow you.
ME: But not in the way that usually gets me arrested?
THEM: No...
ME: Ok. But how do people find me in the first place?
THEM: Start following some comedians and hopefully they'll follow you back.
ME: Right. Wait-- what?
THEM: What?
ME: Why the hell would anyone remotely famous follow me back? I'm just some dude who thinks they're funny and wants to know what they had for breakfast...or how they feel about Mondays...Aziz Ansari doesn't care what I'm up to.
THEM: Because you tweet and then you get retweets.

ME: RETWEETS??
THEM: ...Yes...
ME: Tweets and retweets?
THEM: ...Yep...
ME: Is that some kind of joke? Like, "Tweet and Retweet went to the mall. Tweet got mauled at the Rainforest Cafe and died-- which one's left?"..."Retweet."..."Tweet and Retweet went to the mall..."
THEM: See, that's the type of thing you could tweet!
ME: Strictly twitter humor.
THEM: For a guy who thinks twitter is self-indulgent, you're doing a pretty good job right now.

That was yesterday. Since then, I've tried to figure out what to--...oh god, fine...what to TWEET-- but it's tough. I decided I needed to get into the right frame of mind, which meant going full tween (never go full tween). I threw on some candy jewelry and headed down to Starbucks where I got a caramel frappucino which I pronounced "carmel" because I wanted to really immerse myself in the character. The barista asked if I wanted my "Treat Receipt" which I thought was just a regular receipt with an unnecessarily specific adjective attached, but it turned out meant that I could get ANOTHER drink after 2pm for only two dollars. I told him, "LOL, totes!" and proceeded to drink my frappucino, whipped cream and all. As of right now, I still don't feel any more comfortable with Twitter, but I do feel a great deal of shame...and I guess that's somethin'.

#WhatHaveIDone,
Witz