Witz Flix: Valentine's Day

I've only watched the previews and already I'm concerned for my well-being over the next two hours. "Sex and the City 2: Stoned In Abu Dhabi" kicked it off, which was like a preview for you all, too, because we all know I'll have to write about that one. A couple previews later, there was an inexplicably long preview for Doctor Zhivago (not a new one or anything, just the original), and then an ad for The Bachelor/Bachelorette VIDEO GAME. I can't even imagine what level of sad and removed you have to be to play that game, but if your character doesn't find love at the end of it, I have to assume you just kill yourself. Speaking of killing yourself, let's start the movie!

30 seconds: Nooooo! The movie just started and they've already given the final death blow to that Michael Franti & Spearhead song, "Say Hey" that I used to really like.

1 minute: There are so many famous names in this movie, and yet, we begin with Ashton Kutcher. He's with Jessica Alba and says, "My dad said...if you're ever with a girl who's too good for you, ask her to marry you," and pulls out a ring, concluding, "so..." and I fully expect him to conclude, "Do you think your middle-aged mom will like this ring I got for her," but instead he proposes to Jessica.

2 min: Can you really propose on Valentine's Day still? Doesn't seem very creative. I mean, isn't that just some kind of cheap ploy to turn two celebration dinners into one? When I propose, I'm gonna surprise the hell out of the girl, and be like, "I'll always remember 9/11...because it's the day I asked you to marry me!!"

4 min: Hahahaha, they just cut from Ashton Kutcher to George Lopez's face. Best joke of the movie.



5 min: Jamie Foxx is here. How has he not purchased a third or fourth x yet? He's a sports journalist...it's unclear at this moment what matters. Kathy Bates is here, but I doubt she's gonna torture the people I want her to torture in this one...

7 min: Here's the thing: this movie has tons of famous people in it...so it can't be my fault that when I saw a middle-aged asian man, it took me a few minutes to realize it wasn't Jackie Chan, right?

9 min: McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy is with Jennifer Garner. Yep, I used to watch Grey's Anatomy, ladies.

11 min: Topher Grace is alive! And banging Anne Hathaway?? Did they ever make a porn called "The Devil Wears Nada?" Also, she's a phone sex operator (is that still what they call that?), so that's somethin'.


(Uh, yup, they did...)

15 min: Really, movie? This kid is living with his grandparents it appears because his parents died and the grandma says, "This is a tough day for him...they used to make valentines together." Shut up.

16 min: Rut-roh, Taylor Swift is trying to act. It's terrible, but also she's actually funny. Weird.

20 min: Oh snap. McDreamy has a wife and kids that Garner doesn't know about. Forced Character Trait of the Year Award goes to: McDreamy for juggling apples, thus allowing his wife to say, "Doesn't Daddy juggle well?" That's a long way to go for one joke.

21 min: Bradley Cooper's on a plane with Julia Roberts, who is wearing a military uniform. All part of her next film, "Eat, Pray, Love, Kill, KILL, KILL!" She's been gone for eleven months and she didn't even cut her hair for the role-- this movie just lost credibility.

22 min: Man, Jessica Alba's really come a long way from those flagrant behind the ass while swimming shots in Into the Blue.



24 min: The orphan kid is talking about love with his grandpa. He has all these lay-up adorable lines, but can't manage to pull off cute. It's like "The Good Son" all over again.

28 min: I can't believe I'm admitting to this, but...Valentine's Day is stealing my shit. First, they called Topher Grace a "hoosier-head." Is that something people say? Because, I've been randomly saying, "What a hoosier," for no apparent reason the last few years. THEN, Anne Hathaway is an assistant to Queen Latifah, who says, "My name's Paula. I know they call me BiPaula Paula." (Why don't they just call her BiPaula?) My sister and I were making up AIM screennames for my dad (Paul) a while back and one of our top picks was "BiPaular!"*

29 min: Wait, what? Now that other McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy is here. He's an aging football player waiting for a new contract AND his publicist is Jessica Biel (who's doing slapstick comedy...FINALLY!). You can't have both Grey's dudes AND both Jessicas in the same movie. Stephen Hawking talked about this.

34 min: Taylor Swift is dating Taylor Lautner. Tweens around the nation begin spontaneously exploding.

36 min: Julia Roberts is really good at reading people. She can tell that Bradley Cooper is serious, but not committed, he's kind, but wants to be needed, and he has a problem with romance and Valentine's Day. That's amazing-- too bad she's still gonna get shot up when she can't hop over a wall...she could have at least tried to get buff for this role.

37 min: "Valentine's Day was a day when there was a massacre in Chicago and they killed everybody and put a curse on the Chicago Cubs!" a little kid says in school. I gotta give 'em the good jokes, occasionally. Fair and balanced coverage.

40 min: These two high school kids are meeting at lunch to have sex for the first time. The guy's friend drops him off and drives away. Is that really necessary? He should really be like, "Alright, once around the block oughta do the trick." Does he know he's missing grilled cheese day??

48 min: McDreamy buys two bouquets from Ashton Kutcher: one for his wife and one for Jennifer Garner, who is friends with Ashton Kutcher. Seriously? You have to show what a dick you are to the florist? You can't go to TWO different places? Ashton doesn't know if he should tell her or not...right, because things will probably workout with Jennifer and McDouchy in the long run.

54 min: Alba's taking back her proposal acceptance and is breaking up with Ashton. He immediately gets drunk and signs on for another Butterfly Effect sequel. He also decides he has to tell Jennifer Garner about her married boyfriend. This movie could win some points if everyone ends up alone.


(There are THREE!)

56 min: Shit. Ashton's gonna realize he's in love with Jennifer Garner, isn't he?

60 min: Christ.

61 min: WHOOOOOAH! What. Just. Happened? Ashton's going through security, it's taking too long, so he bails and runs away without his shoes, at which point...wait for it....a mentally challenged girl in a wheelchair shouts, "The man left his shoes! Mister, the man left his shoes!" How was that written in the script? Was someone like, "Yeah, and then Ashton will run off and a retarded girl will shout about it, it'll be hilarious." I'm totally gonna find out that girl is someone's relative who's life was made by getting to be in a movie, aren't I?

63 min: How is Seth Green not in this movie? New business venture: Film Seth Green with a green screen (no relation) behind him, so you can buy DVD versions of movies with him superimposed.

64 min: Just realized Jessica Alba's character is named Morley. Wha--...why?? I can't even fathom how many "Morley & Me" jokes I'd make if I knew them.

66 min: That little orphan kid is asked by the girl he has a crush on if he wants to warm up on the sideline of his soccer game. This is how he warms up: She throws the ball to him, he catches it, throws it up and heads it to her...then she catches it and throws it back to him. I'm guessing this is why they aren't starting.

70 min: Has it been seventy minutes already....?

71 min: Taylor Swift is owning this movie right now. When is Taylor Lautner turning into a wolf and killing everyone?

72 min: "Today's a lot of pressure for anyone, let alone a little kid." That's...just not...accurate.

73 min: Sex At Lunch girl is telling the grandparents about how she had a bad day, was going to have sex for the first time, but didn't, and how she, "Wanted it to be magical and I'm realizing that it's hard to plan something to be magical, you know?" Yeah, maybe the lunch hour, sprinting home to a hopefully empty house sex just isn't the best plan...

77 min: Grandpa thinks he and Grandma only had sex with each other. Grandma flips out and reveals that she cheated on him a while back. This movie is like Valentine's Day's Revenge.

81 min: McSteamy calls a press conference and says that he's not retiring from football and also he's gay. The NFL is like, "Finally! Old gay dudes reppin' the league!"



85 min: Can we just assume something vaguely resembling plot is happening? I need a breather.

86 min: Touche. Just when you think you're out, Valentine's Day makes you laugh.

88 min: Reasonable question: Would anybody out there take life advice from George Lopez? Because Ashton is.

92 min: Did you know that Valentine's Day is the busiest day of the year for phone sex operators (adult phone entertainers)? That might be the saddest thing I've ever heard.

98 min: Jessica Biel is hosting an I Hate Valentine's Day Party...they must have gotten an advanced screening.

104 min: The orphan kid gives his flowers to Jennifer Garner (twist!). For a moment you kinda see her considering her options, as if she's on the game show, "Are You Smart Enough Not to Bang a Fifth Grader?" Then, she tells him he should go regift the flowers to that Indian girl he was with at soccer. It's kind of the perfect storm of Indian Giving.

105 min: Jennifer Garner either just had a House-like epiphany or she pooped herself. Fifty-fifty guess at this point.


(looked a lot like this)

106 min: You're a fool if you didn't think they could shoehorn choreographed Indian dancing into this movie.

107 min: Hey, how do you stop blood that's gushing from your eyes after you knifed them out?

110 min: Ohhhh snap! Bradley Cooper's gay and with McSteamy the football player. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "I'm part of the A-Team."



112 min: Why was Kathy Bates in this movie? Was it just foreshadowing that it was going to be "misery"?

114 min: Jennifer Garner and Ashton finally makeout. I like imagining Ben Affleck off to the side seething, partially because Ashton's kissing his girl, but also because he made "Reindeer Games."

116 min: Whaaa? Little orphan kid isn't an orphan! His mom is Julia Roberts. How dare you sap my empathy, movie. Shame on you.

118 min: And the movie's over....well, I guess at least-- OHHHHH! OUTTAKES DURING THE CREDITS! I love outtakes-- I don't care what movie they're from. The two Taylors say they know it's confusing that their names are the same, Julia Roberts references Pretty Woman (I think), and that dang Ashton Kutcher can't seem to get the van seatbelt to work. SIGH. If this movie had just been a documentary ABOUT the making of Valentine's Day, with outtakes and people making fun of themselves, it would have been infinitely superior. No, but seriously folks, how do you stop the eye blood?

Valentine's Day Still Got 12% Higher Ratings Than Old Dogs,
Witz


*Some others included: PaulMyFinger, ItsAPaulWorld, Paulitical, ThePaulidayInn, Paultergeist, Paultergeist2, YourPenPaul, CarpaulTunnelSyndrome, ForeignPaulicy, ThePaulerExpress, ExitPaul, LiveAtTheApaullo, ShockedAndAppaulled, IGoPaullistic, PaullisticMissiles, and AllergicToPaullen. I'm not telling you what we ended up with...you're not IMing with my dad.