Witz Flix: Dear John

"What would you do with a letter that changed everything?" the tag line asks. Uh, I dunno...scan it and store it for perpetuity? Read it while listening to Queen's We Are the Champions? Eat it? Get super frustrated because the letter is so important and yet I'm still COMPLETELY ILLITERATE (twist!)? Who's to say?

It's no secret that I like The Notebook. I even saw The Time Traveler's Wife because I thought it was based on a Nicholas Sparks book (it's not. He'd never sink to including womb hopping, time fetuses). So when I heard about Dear John, I thought, "Sure, it SOUNDS terrible, but maybe it'll be alright, like Cambodian sandwiches, or tofuti, or Zach Ephron and the Seattle Seahawks. As always, there's only one way to find out:

0 min: Hm, the production company is called "Screen Gems." I don't know much, but one thing I've learned over the years is this: they're not all gems.

1 min: Channing Tatum is in the army. Tatum!? I hardly even know 'em!

2 min: Voiceover time. He's comparing himself as a soldier to coins he saw in a mint when he was little. Still, you can't say, "My ridges have been rimmed," and not expect a little giggle.

3 min: "When I was shot...right before everything went black, you wanna know the last thing that entered my mind? You." Wait, ME?? I feel like this is that Simpson's bit:

"Only WHO can prevent forest fires? You have selected 'you', referring to 'me.' That is wrong. The correct answer was 'me,' referring to 'you.'"

It cuts to Channing Tatum surfing where he sees Amanda Seyfried. She's hanging out with-- HOLY SHIT! SIX! IT'S JASON STREET FROM FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS! AND HE'S WALKING AGAIN! WOOOOOO! I'm gonna be so pissed if Channing steals QB 1's girlfriend.



4 min: What the fuck Channing? Streeter knocks Amanda's bag into the water and runs around to go get it for her. Channing just dives off the pier and grabs it. Then, he ignores Street (who can run and swim again!) and just walks up to Amanda and hands her the bag. What a Douche-bag Retriever. And her name is Savannah?? Slllllllut. I wonder if it's because she's kinda hot, her hair always looks droopy, and I bet she goes crazy on St. Patty's Day.

6 min: Savannah invites Channing-- who's name is John by the way if you didn't follow The Clever-- back to a bbq at her place. Street is giving him shit and being kind of a dick, but to be fair, John IS trying to bang his girlfriend, so....one-half and a dozen.

8 min: "You ever notice how big the moon is when it's rising, and how little it is when it's up in the sky?" I hate you.

9 min: "Yeah, but it's only perspective," he replies, "It doesn't matter where it is in the sky, or where you are in the world...it's never bigger than your thumb." Man, the extremely-attractive really can say whatever they want and get away with it, huh? But seriously, movie, I get it, you're gonna reference the moon later when they're apart, move on. "Where'd you learn that?" she asks, because he's so good-looking, that constitutes learning. "I dunno," he replies, "Somewhere..." Translation: Uhh, yeah, so I just made that shit up because as long as I'm stringing even vaguely relevant words together, I'm pretttty sure I'm gonna see you naked tonight.

10 min: How didn't I notice that Channing has a goatee-- nay, a "bro-tee?" It's the Ed Hardy shirt of facial hair.

12 min: So there's this guy and his kid and they're "practically family" with Savannah. It's really really unclear at this point if the kid's supposed to be CUTE or DISABLED. I just like to know if I'm laughing WITH someone or AT someone (I mean, I'm still gonna laugh). I'll say this, though: he's no Jae Head. That kid's got the lockdown on cute. If Jae Head and Bobb'e J. Thompson (little black kid in Role Models) teamed up, they'd make millions.





17 min: John's dad is showing Savannah his coins...which isn't a euphamism. "He had his coins and change purse just hangin' out there!"

22 min: Aaand they're already kissing in the rain (he went with, "Well, you scare me," which did the trick). You're better than this, Nicholas Sparks. Also, and this has Big Love written all over it, she doesn't smoke, curse, have sex, or drink. I'm gonna go ahead and make the joke that my friend C-Murder would make: "Yeah, that's because she looks like she has fetal alcohol syndrome."

23 min: John and Savannah falling in love montage...you know, John Savannah would be a cool name...and Savannah John would be a singer or BBQ joint...but separately, those names are crappy.

24 min: So fuck Jason Street then, I guess?

28 min: Hahaha, great ways to ruin a relationship-- call someone's dad autistic when he's not. "Are you calling my dad retarded?" John yells. P.S. The little boy IS autistic.

30 min: Nice! John just went all G.I. Joe on the beach and punched a bunch of people. To be fair, it's easy to confuse guys on a beach with Cobra Commander.



32 min: It's gonna be really funny if his dad actually is autistic and went undiagnosed. That would mean that someone dated, married, and had a kid with an autistic guy and never thought somethin' might be up.

34 min: "Dear John..." (THAT'S THE NAME OF THE MOVIE!!!) "That's all it took. That's all it took to fall in love with you. Now we have a year apart. But what's a year apart when we had two weeks like that together." Two weeks!? I'm not sayin' I watched The Real World this season, but Savannah shouldn't be making the same mistakes Sahar did with Pablo. Don't judge me like that-- I'm researching a role called Seven Tweens Again, where seven people in their late 20's magically turn back into tweens and have to fit in. I'm a method actor.



38 min: They're writing a lot to each other, but c'mon, how necessary is an extended "how letters travel" sequence? It's mail, I get it. How come this dude is getting mail in war ravaged, zero-infrastructure countries, but two Netflix DVDs and a postcard have failed to get to me in Brooklyn?

40 min: "I wanna open up a horse-riding summer camp for autistic kids." Hold on. Brain hurting. I know there's a joke somewhere...ah, I'll get back to you on that one.

41 min: Boom! "But there's a full moon here tonight, blah blah blah, same size moon," writes John and cut to Savannah sticking her damn thumb at the moon.

46 min: Whoah. First time I've seen a "reaction to 9/11" scene in a movie. It's weird, because I'm pretty sure the movie wants our reaction to be, "Oh man-- this SUUUUCKS for John and Savannah!" Is 2001 considered a period piece yet?

50 min: John gets to be home with his Dad and Savannah for 16 hours. His dad goes all, "Wapner at five," and freaks out because he's not eating meatloaf on Saturday...but that could be anything! Toootally not severe autism.



52 min: By the way, they live in Charleston, South Carolina. Isn't naming your kid Savannah when you live in the south like wearing the t-shirt of the band you're going to see?

59 min: No matter how many layers he's wearing, you should always bet that Channing Tatum is wearing a wifebeater....do we still call those that? Also, they're doin' it and she's got her tatums out. Zippy chance she's on birth control. One and done, Channing, you're gonna be a papa.

62 min: John re-ups because of 9/11, which isn't nearly as big a dealbreaker for their relationship as the fact that I she's been writing all the letters in cursive. Are you freakin' kidding me??

64 min: I've never seen a movie with so many guns and so little action.

67 min: "Dear John..." OH SHIT! The first time was a movie title fake out! "...I know it's been too long since I wrote you..." the entendre's just waiting to be doubled! "...please forgive me for what I'm about to say..." Ohhhh snap! Now THAT'S A DEAR JOHN LETTER! RIGHT?! Aha-ha-ha-ha-ahhhhh FML.

72 min: John just got shot up in Iraq. He wakes up in a hospital. "Welcome back, Seargent Tyree. Rest easy, ok? You're in a hospital in Germany, and you're going to be just fine." Right. Because German hospitals have always been a bastion of comfort and safety...
....
....
....that was a nazi doctor joke.

75 min: John decides not to go home, but to stay in the army. "America, fuck yeah," montage for a bunch of years and then, "We're sending you home, John. This movie's not gonna have an arc all by itself."

78 min: John's dad is in bad shape and in the hospital. John gives him a letter that he wrote to him. Letters are kind of a thing in this movie. Did you guys have the Letter People in kindergarten? We did. "S" was for "Super Socks." Mr. S thought he was soooo coooool, but I got news for ya...he wasn't. WATCH THE VIDEO!

80 min: If ya ever want to make your life feel longer, watch this movie. Time basically stops.

87 min: He goes and sees Savannah. She's at her autistic horse camp (the horses aren't autistic), "Camp Horse Sense." He says, "You finally did it, huh?" Finally? Dude-- she's like 26! I'm 28 and ya know what I've started? A BLOG.

88 min: Hehehehehehe, turns out, "No. I tried. It only lasted one summer. It was expensive." Man, she didn't start anything! Meanwhile, you know what I've had for five years? A BLOG!

90 min: OHHHHH-HO-HO-HO-HO SHEEEEIT! Savannah's married to the dad with the autistic kid. Don't worry though, he has lymphoma, so if John can just hang tight for a little while, I dunno, shoot some hoops, make another Step Up movie or something, he should be good to go in a little bit. Callous, Nicholas Sparks. With cancer, the guy looks JUST like Jim Carrey, though, so he's got that goin' for him...



94 min: She couldn't call him to tell him it was over because, "If I heard your voice, I knew I'd change my mind." Nicholas Sparks is all about love-postponed. I bet if we were roommates and I was like, "Yo, wanna get pizza?" he'd be all, "Eh, let's get it later."

98 min: She wants him to say he loves her, instead he says goodbye. He sells his Dad's coin collection-- oh, his dad died by the way, whoops-- and gives the money anonymously to Savannah so she can pay some cancer bills and keep her husband around a little longer.
...
...
...but then he dies and John comes back to her.

100 min: They hug. Fade to black. Roll credits under a painfully sentimental duet. There were songs in this movie called "Excelsior Lady," and, "Let Her Gift Be Me." These are things they need to tell us sooner. There should be a warning on the DVD.

102 min: Moral of the story? God hates single fathers. Two of them died, one from complications related to autism, the other from cancer, meanwhile John extended his tour in the army for seven years, only got shot once, and got to come home to hook back up with Savannah. Ya can't coach good lookin'.

I'm Gonna Complete the "Dear John," "P.S. I Love You," Trilogy with "Cinc-erely Yours" and the Main Character is Going to Be Yours Davis, a Simple Farm Boy in Cincinnatti Who Can't Tell a Lie and Falls In Love with Cincinnati Reds Pitcher Aaron Harang,



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