Witz DOESN'T Pick: New Domino's Commercial

(Carry out only? But your slogan is, "The Pizza Delivery Experts!")

There's a new Domino's Pizza commercial which has made its way into the rotation on Hulu and on ESPN, which immediately triggered my "Goddamn Idiot" response, which is to say that the first time I saw it, I immediately said out loud, "You're a goddamn idiot." It goes something like this:

"For a limited time, you can get a large, three-topping pizza from Domino's for just 7.99!"

At which point it cuts to a guy making a Domino's pizza, who looks at the camera with an incredulity bordering on anger and says,

"7.99? This pizza is worth at least twice that."
...
...
"You're a goddamn idiot."

First of all, you're a thirty-something dude throwing together pizzas at a fast food pizza chain-- you shouldn't be commenting on the general economics of anything, so shut your stupid face-anus. Secondly, no, it's not. And not simply because your pizza goes through the human digestive tract like it has an hour left to live and my colon is on its bucket list; but because that's not how value works.

Are you suggesting that the ingredients used to make a three-topping large pizza cost Domino's $16+ and the company is actually losing money on each pizza sold? Because as impossible as that is, it's the only logic I can think of which makes any sense. Pizza has no market value. It's not a commodity that can be bought and sold for profit. If I don't buy that pizza, you can't hold onto it and sell it later at a higher cost because it'll be old and disgusting. Nobody has a pizza collection (if you don't count waistlines) because pizza is FOOD. So, no, sir, your pizza isn't worth "at least twice that," it's worth whatever the hell you're able to sell it to me for.

As much as I appreciate unqualified fast food employees arbitrarily assigning a monetary value to perishable goods, please get rid of this ad and bring back the most ridiculous mascot of all time: The Noid.



I Just Wrote 332 Words, But All You're Gonna Remember is "Face-Anus,"
Witz


Bonus Footage:


Oh, and just so I get some hits: "Amy Winehouse drug overdose autopsy dead 27 curse."