Thursday, February 09, 2012

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Cat Breading

Sometimes, I forget why America's going to Hell and then I find out about something like this. I mean, sure, it COULD be because of our greed and selfishness and basic human and civil rights violations, but I'm pretty sure it's because of cat breading. While millions of people are starving around the world, we're stuffing bread on cat heads. Not "in" their "faces," like, "Eat some damn carbs," but literally "on" their "heads" like, "How can I confuse my pet the most without involving my genitals?"

I guess I just don't understand how something like this became so big. One person had to have stuck a slice of bread on some cat's face and then told someone about it or posted a picture. Then, someone else did the same thing, and someone else, and someone else, until it reached its tipping point, at which time Malcolm Gladwell shot himself in the face and cat breading became a trend. I can understand "Tebow-ing" and I can sort of understand "planking," but how is it possible that we live in a world where cat breading is a thing AND marijuana is still illegal? It doesn't add up.

(Yes,'re cat looks like he LOVES cat breading)

Maybe I'm just mad because I realized that if cat breading is popular, I'm screwed, because nothing I ever do creatively is going to succeed. How is someone supposed to stay motivated when cramming a slice of Wonder Bread on an animal's furry mug is widespread entertainment? And this might just be the beginning.

(Really? Your cat ate part of the bread before you started filming and you want me to watch your minute-long video, but you couldn't get another piece of bread? So much for artistic integrity...)

Already, people are making slight adaptations to keep the breading fresh (nailed it): using tortillas, toast, and pita bread. Where does it end? Waffle dogging? Rabbit crepe-ing? Puttin' figs on guinea pigs? How long before PETA becomes involved, and if they do, how long before that gets thrown back in their face and people start PETA breading in retaliation (double nailed it)? The race to the bottom is littered with crusts, but at least we're winning something.*

Korea's Like, "Stupid Americans-- They're Breading That Cat All Wrong,"

*And we won the SPACE RACE! THE SPACE RACE! We put a man on the moon AND bread on a cat's face. "(I am large, I contain multitudes)" -Walt Whitman


Putnawa said...

Elect me President. I promise I'll push the button.

Caitlin said...

For sure my favorite post to date. Move over, Nagasaki...

Off to bread Bean...