Witz Flix: He's Just Not That Into You

A Brief Interview with Witz:

Question: Are you really watching He's Just Not That Into You?
Answer: You bet I am.

Question: But didn't you already see it in theaters?
Answer: How do you know that?? Nevermind. Yes, I did, but I blocked it out.

Question: Why would you subject yourself to it again?
Answer: Why? Because I'm that dedicated. Because where there are bad films, there must be Witz. Because Netflix needs its true hero. Everyone knows I'm Netflix's White Knight. Netflix needs a hero with a face--

Question: --Did you just start shoe-horning The Dark Knight quotes into your answer?
Answer: I did, yes.

Question: So...what's the real answer?
Answer: ...The girl I like asked me to.

Question: That makes more sense. One last question: Do you see any problem with the movie poster?
Answer: I do! Why do they italicize "not?" Shouldn't they italicize "that?" He's just not THAT into you. The point is that he's into you, just not THAT much. Not enough.

Question: How do you live with yourself?
Answer: Day by day.

And with that...

3 min: Yyyyick. Margene from Big Love (Gigi in this) is on a date with Eric from Entourage. This vignette should be called, "He's Just As Awful As You."

4 min: E doesn't care about Gigi, but wants to bang Scarlett Johannson...obviously. Since she's not interested in getting in bed with the Lucky Charms leprechaun, she's gonna end up sleeping with Bradley Cooper who she just met at the supermarket. This is a great time for me to ask this question: WHY do girls like Eric on Entourage and WHEN did everyone decide Bradley Cooper was funny? Whenever I ask girls the latter, I always get a response that boils down to a monosyllabic, "Abs."

6 min: This really is painful. Scarlett just won a cooler in the checkout line at a supermarket and gets super excited about it, saying "I've never won anything before! This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me!" and hugs Bradley Cooper. I'm thinkin' that she wins something every month when she finds out she isn't pregnant.



7 min: Justin Long knows everything about girls. I knew those Mac commercials would pigeon-hole him as a smug son-of-a-bitch.

9 min: Ben Affleck's in this movie-- that guy ONLY makes good decisions. His character is dating Jennifer Aniston, but won’t marry her. He says it’s because he doesn’t believe in marriage, but I’m pretty sure it’s because he saw her in The Bounty Hunter.

12 min: Jennifer Connelly! Last time I saw her in a movie, she was in a very uncomfortable place-- and I don't mean the back of a Volkswagen.



16 min: Gigi is freaking out because Eric isn't calling her after the two of them had whatever the complete opposite of chemistry is on their first date.

17 min: I just realized that this movie is for girls, but is also about girls being dumb. The punch line to most of these jokes is, "Hahaha, us girls are STUPID."

20 min: "If a guy says he doesn't give a shit-- he really doesn't give a shit." Man...Justin Long got really jaded once Ed was canceled.

25 min: Enter Drew Barrymore. She looks like she’s been on at least 50 First Dates and is very upset about dating these days. Scarlett Johansson is asking her for advice, which is like a tank of gasoline asking which match looks safest to light.

27 min: Scarlett's rejected by married Bradley Cooper, so she flees back to Eric, who compliments her and then clings to her like she's his bafflingly overly-successful career when she hugs him.


("One of these things is not like the other one...")

32 min: It can't be good when you've been told one of the clichés that two sassy black women are talking about in He's Just Not That Into You as ways men breakup with women. And by “you” I mean, “me.”

33 min: Bradley Cooper's married to Jennifer Connelly, by the way. If they have a baby, it will be like a solar eclipse, where you can’t look directly at it, but instead will have to look through a hole in a piece of paper. That’s right—I think solar eclipses are TOO attractive to look at.

36 min: Oh man, this movie just dated itself (pun mildly intended): "My trampy little sister says Myspace is the new booty call." Let’s be honest though, who knew Facebook was gonna win that battle?* With Facebook at the top and Myspace in the dumps, where does that leave Friendster-- just blowin' dudes in the alley behind Jack In the Box?

38 min: First, I saw the "Domino Sugar" sign and now they said Baltimore. Why is this movie set in BALTIMORE? That’s everyone’s problem, right there. Move out of Baltimore! “I never meet any nice guys in Hamsterdam…”



45 min: Gigi met some guy at a happy hour, he asked for her card, she gave him hers, and now Justin Long is saying that the guy isn't into her, which is true, but I don't get it. Why did he ask for her card and give her his? Does he feel bad that he doesn't like her, but wants to enter her in a free lunch raffle to make up for it? Was he just so excited to have a business card that he wanted everyone to see?

46 min: If you ever wanna see Bradley Cooper's "rape face," go ahead and checkout minute 46, second 31 of this movie. Also, feel free to use "Rape Face" as the name of your next metal band.



48 min: Scarlett says, "Am I supposed to not be friends with a guy just because he's married? Or has an insane smile? Or an ass that makes me want to dry hump?" So much to discuss here: first of all, stop that; don't be a whore. Second, he LITERALLY has an insane smile. She smiled at him in a way that said, "I want to bang you," and he smiled in a way that said, "I bet I could fit your head in a hat box." Finally, I don't follow the ass and dry humping. Is she gonna hump HIS ass? Does she want to stand there while he backs that azz up against her? Or do good asses just make her want to rub up against jeans and zippers? I'm lost. Will this make sense to me when I'm older?

51 min: Things I'll never say to a girl I'm kissing: "Back atcha, sister."

53 min: Hahaha, alright, you know I give credit when credit is due:

Gigi: So what, now I'm just supposed to run from every guy who doesn't actually like me?
Justin Long: Uh, yeah.
Gigi: But there's not gonna be anyone left...



57 min: We're not even halfway done with this movie. Yowzah.

60 min: Justin Long is giving up all of guys' alleged dating secrets. Makes me wonder what happened to that masked magician on Fox a bunch of years back. From what I gather, the Magician’s Guild is like the Mafia, but are even better at making bodies disappear.

62 min: Luis Guzman is killin' it! I don't care if it's Old Dogs or this movie or John From Cincinnatti, the man does good work. He's like the Hispanic Seth Green.**

Jennifer Connelly: I can't have someone lying to me, to my face, under my roof, on my time.
Luis Guzman: ...That's a lot of prepositions...

68 min: "I am SO into you," Bradley Cooper tells Scarlett. Oh, so now we're emphasizing the right words? Save it for the sequel, Cooper. And WHEN are they gonna say the titular (he he he) line??

73 min: Ya know what's really bringing different ethnicities together? Cliché gay stereotypes. Drew Barrymore works with a gay black guy, a gay asian guy, and a gay white guy...and they're all the exact same painful stereotype.



74 min: All of the guys want Drew to check her voicemail at home, so they’re like, “phone home.” She’s doesn’t want to and is like, “Look, it’s not like I’ve Never Been Kissed…I mean, I’ve been Riding In Cars with Boys and, seriously, Everybody’s Fine, but Everyone Says I Love You and all the Best Men are taken, and, I dunno Home Fries, ever since Freddy Got Fingered I’m like, Lucky You, but I’ve been reaching a Fever Pitch with this love thing and maybe it’s just time I Whip It and leave Boys On the Side because I don’t know if any relationship I ever have is Going the Distance—sometimes it makes me wanna Scream, because let’s be honest, it’s getting to be some Grey Gardens down there and maybe these are just Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, but it’s like, even with all this Wishful Thinking, Everybody Loves Whales, but nobody loves ME!”

76 min: Jennifer Connelly has aged well-- just like, she looks like she has her shit together. Anyway, Cooper tells her that he slept with Scarlett. She's pissed and hurt, but doesn't want to throw away the marriage.

80 min: Kris Kristofferson is a class act.

82 min: WTF!? Kris Kristofferson just collapsed with a heart attack! This is like when I pick someone I like on Top Chef and they're immediately kicked off the show!

87 min: Gigi thinks that Justin Long is giving her signals. She makes a move at the end of his party and he rejects her and is all, "I'm just not into you to the degree that you want me to be into you." WHEN ARE THEY GONNA SAY IT!?? The suspense is killing me!

88 min: She tells him that she'd rather be the way she is than the way he is: cold and far from love. He stands there stunned, looking like someone just told him how fucking expensive Macs are.

93 min: Scarlett and Bradley are gonna bone in his office. Is this the movie where Scarlett gives up the tots? I would remember if Scarlett got naked, right? Jennifer Connelly shows up and Scarlett hides in the closet. Now JENNIFER wants to bone in his office! I bet Saving The Marriage Sex is craaaazy. Scarlett leaves the closet like an abused puppy when it's over. No tots.



96 min: Justin Long realizes he's just that into Gigi. It's unclear if he realizes that his face looks like that of an animated horse.




101 min: Aniston is taking care of a house of awful men (House of Awful Men should be a show on E!). Ben Affleck shows up and washes dishes to win her back. Man…she must really be special to go to such lengths….

105 min: J-Con finds Bradley Cooper's pack of cigarettes that he swore he didn't smoke anymore. She finally loses her shit and throws him and his stuff out of the house.

110 min: Wow, Eric's out of his G-D mind. Scarlett just limped back into his life because things didn't work out with Cooper, and the next day, he shows her a house he wants to buy in the hopes that she may someday soon move in with him and have it be theirs. Ya know what he should have bought instead of a house? A personality. Writers keep forgetting to make him remotely likeable.

113 min: Gigi just went on a date with Justin Long's Friend, a dude who looks like a third-string Kyle McLachlan, so...yeesh. He drops her off at her apartment and then there’s another knock on the door— BUT it’s Justin Long. Classic misdirection, movie. But wouldn't Justin Long and his friend have passed each other in the hallway? Was that not weird?

115 min: Justin Long and Gigi kiss. Blam! Affleck proposes to Aniston. Pow! The moral of the story? Keep being stupid, it might work out. Or is it that Justin Long is full of shit? Nope, it's never ever ever watch He's Just Not That Into You. SPEAKING OF WHICH, they never said it! I was waiting the whole damn movie for someone to say, "Look-- he's just not that into you!" at which point I was ready to jump up and break into applause like all those USA World Cup goal vs. Algeria reaction videos.

".............He's just not that into you..."



...I Mean, He Might Be, What the Hell Do I Know?,
Witz

*I'm legitimately excited to see The Social Network. Written by Aaron Sorkin, directed by David Fincher, and music by Trent Reznor? Sold.

**I am absolutely positive nobody has ever said that before and nobody ever will again.

Witz Pickz: Wednesday Matinee

Clearly this week is mostly about rhyming with a significantly lower emphasis on content. But still, why not rejoice in the consistency of pickz and the glory of being able to count on a routine. Granted, in a week or so when I leave town for a few days, I'll shatter that routine and leave you crying, broken, and probably hungry (if you're anything like me) on the floor, but for now-- REJOICE! PICKZ ABOUND!

Witz's Veggies In My Belly(s) Sandwhich: I think I'm turning veggenese, I think I'm turning veggenese-- I've been substituting meat for other things a lot lately and I'm not proud of it. I don't know exactly what's going on, but what with the Neverending Overtly Menacing Sickness I've had for almost three months now, I'm trying to eat healthier. This led me to eat the unfathomably delicious El Guapo sandwhich at the unfathomably delicious sandwhich restaurant The Honey Hole in Seattle. Veggies and smoked gouda all baked tremendously together on a crisp roll-- so so good. I recently decided to try and match the experience without having access to the actual 'which. So I substituded a few ingredients to fit my budget and tastes and came up with Witz's Veggies In My Belly(s) Sandwhichz (silent z)! Here's what you do:

Ingredients:
-Tomato (sliced)
-Lettuce (Whatever kind you want)
-Mushrooms-Zucchini/Squash
-Cheese (Gouda or Fontina or Cheddar or Mozzarella)
-Red Pepper-Italian Bread or crunchy roll
-Italian Dressing or Ranch Dressing

Sautee:
-Zucchini/Squash cut into thin circular slices
-Mushrooms (cut into slices)

Bake at 350 (primarily because my oven doesn't go any higher):
-Cut bread and bake open halves with stuff on top
-Place cheese, tomato slices on one half
-Place lettuce and dressing on other half
-Bake for about 5 minutesPour sauteed veggies on top of tomato halfClose sandwhich

EAT IT DELICIOUSLY

Trust me, it's worth the money for the ingredients and will pay out a number of sandwhiches, not just one.

Gentleman Auction House: I just reviewed these guys for KZSU radio ("Live From Six Feet Underground" with your host DJ Witz airs on kzsulive.stanford.edu from 12am-3am PST wednesday nights/thursday mornings for a potentially limited time) recently with fairly low expectations. I was blown away! These guys sound enough like Bright Eyes and The Arcade Fire and The Decemberists to fit nicely into a genre, but are extremely creative and have great lyrics. The EP "The Rules Were Handed Down" deals with themes of growing up and maturing, sometimes naturally, sometimes before one should have to, and sometimes not yet or never. There are tons of different instruments utilized in each song and they blend perfectly to construct an album with tremendous breadth and depth. Check them out on myspace.

Jonah Hill: Welp, I saw Superbad and loved it-- was intimidated by it's funny-- was inspired by it's writing and success. But I also saw "Accepted" (from the library-- remember?), which was less amusing, although Justin Long (my new fave awkward since Die hard 4) did a pretty good job of making unfunny material funny. The common link between the two movies was Jonah Hill-- you know, the overweight friend... Jonah has an incredible knack for timing and intonation and especially improvisation (yeah, I watched the outtakes and making of "Accepted"-- so what? I have a little time on my hands-- you should be jealous of me). He's not the usual "fat guy" funny sidekick. He steals movies. He doesn't steal movies in the way that Walmart suspects anyone of color to steal movies or like how people say downloading is stealing-- he takes the sidekick role and makes you want him to be the lead. When he's not onscreen, you are waiting for him to be onscreen. It's pretty cool and it turns out that HE was pretty cool growing up to, according to his time on Loveline where I was first introduced to him (oh yeah, right, I uh, lisen to Loveline sometimes still on my way home from things...THINGS..I do THINGS...and not just so I can hear Loveline!). So here's to Jonah Hill, who I wish a successful career and who should someday help me make a movie.

"A long hundred": My friend who writes over at The Wonder Yak and I were trying to figure out what a seven person group is called (answer: a septet-- we felt dumb after we found out) and inadvertently stumbled upon the fact that the number 120 is sometimes referred to (I have no idea by whom) as "A LONG HUNDRED." 20 is ONE-FIFTH of a hundred. What is the scenario where you have 1/5th more of something and feel like it's ok so it becomes a standard phrase (other than lunchmeat-- I'm a little tired of asking for 1/2 a lb of something and getting 3/4 of a lb. It happens so regularly that I now under order by about 1/4 in order to get the amount I wanted. Has the deli counter job lost that much specialization in the last ten years? And also, why's it called "lunchmeat?" Isn't it just meat that I can eat whenever the hell I feel like it?? This is why I make veggie sandwhiches)? And if we're going to accept a long hundred, shouldn't we say that 130 is a longer hundred? 140? Where does it stop? Is the opposite true? Is 80 a short hundred? I'd be pissed if I only got 80 of something when I ordered 100. Can I refer to my penis as "a short hundred"? If someone wants to tell me that 120 is a "long hundred" they at the very least need to use some friggen UNITS so I know what they're referring to. "A long hundred" of grains of rice is different from "a long hundred" of oncoming tanks. I wouldn't want to run "a long twenty-six" marathon, but I'd be ok running the "a long 100" meter dash. I can only hope that in this age of computers and global shipping, "a long hundred" is obsolete vernacular. I truly, truly hope.

A medium hundred posts and counting,
Witz

P.S. Seriously though, if you are even remotely capable, checkout my radio show, hear my soothing radio voice, and solve the mystery of Witz that has plagued you for so long.

"Live From Six Feet Underground" with your host DJ Witz airs on kzsulive.stanford.edu from 12am-3am PST wednesday nights/thursday mornings for a potentially limited time