Witz Pickz: iPhone Baby Shakin' Application

Everyone has been up in arms about the new Baby Shaker Application for the iphone (but not Shaker Babies, because the Shakers didn't believe in sex and that's why there aren't anymore Shakers, just their furniture, which, not surprisingly, is rigid, joyless, and creaky...) and I think it's ridiculous. I have to give Ash Good As It Gets(formerly Titan AE) credit for bringing this to my attention, but since then, I have heard the story on CNN, Facebook, and most of my friends. Steve Jobs (who should also change his name because he sounds like a porn star) pulled the application and publicly apologized for ever having it, which seems very extreme to me.

I guess I just thought this was America. Shaking babies is as American as a British Nanny-- wait, that's not quite right. Regardless, one woman was heard above everyone else because she had a baby that was shaken and died? What about all their other games??* What about "Pirate Treasure Hunt?" Isnt' that a bit touchy right now? Or how about fucking HANGMAN???

Player: Um, is there a g?
Game: Nope. Now you get hung. Just like when your best friend Tommy killed himself.

There's a much greater chance of people knowing someone who hung themself (or are considering it themselves) than of people knowing a baby that was shaken to death. There's an entire series of tower defense games where you shoot down planes-- what about those? "My husband was shot down in a balloon by an arrow tower!" Or what about sports games? "My life was ruined when I broke my back playing football! I find this DEEPLY offensive!"

That's what the spokeswoman for Apple told people. She said, "This application was deeply offensive and should not have been approved for distribution on the App Store." TO WHOM IS IT OFFENSIVE?? People who shook their babies?? I'm not entirely sure we should be concerned with their feelings! Is it offensive to babies?? It shouldn't be-- the more people shaking iphones, the fewer people out shaking babies. Nobody's shaking their iphone and saying, "Hey, this is pretty fun, but it just makes me want to try the real thing!" And if someone IS saying that, then they were ALREADY going to be a problem.

Which brings me to my next point-- it's educational. Parents don't shake their babies because they want to kill them, they shake their babies to shut them up. If nothing else, the baby shaking application can show them why that's not a good idea. Shake, shake, shake, dead baby. Shake, shake, shake, dead baby. Shake, shake, shake, dead baby. Hm. I can't shut this kid up without killing it-- maybe I'll rethink my strategy for quietting my child (which is why I not only endorse the baby shaking application, but also think it's important that we come up with a "Baby Plastic Bag Helmet Application" and a "Sim Dumpster" game). Educational tools have been disguised as games for years, and not all education is pretty-- just take all the STD pictures they showed us in school. Nobody's running around saying, "Schindler's List went WAY overboard!"

Besides, have you even seen the game?



It's boring as hell! I can't imagine anyone spending more than 2 minutes using it before it just becomes super annoying. In fact, it would probably deter people from shaking real babies: "Man, I thought shaking babies would be fun and satisfying, but it's actually just really really boring and annoying....I'm gonna go stab some pets." ("Want to stab some pets? There's an app for that.") Ultimately, while the baby shaking app might have been in poor taste, it's not offensive-- it's just a shock value product for 99 cents. If you want to spend 99 cents and be truly offended, buy something at Taco Bell.

I Like My Babies Like My Martinis: Shaken,
Witz

*There's also an app called "Quickjack" which just for the name amuses 12 year old me

Witz Pickz: Phone Happenings

I'm being harassed by a small child. Now I know that statement is usually followed by, "Uh-huh, whatever you say sir, now please put your hands where I can see them," but in this one instance, it's true. And not just harassment-- it's taunting. I'm being taunted by a small child. Last night at 4am my phone rang. The Witz Gal jumped out of bed and went to answer it because that's how crazy trained we are. Fortunately, my cleverly and intuitously placed obstacles (also known as things I forgot to clean up) kept her from reaching the phone and instead led her to some stumbling in the dark and probably a few bruises (another story that is usually followed by, "Uh-Huh, whatever you say sir, now please put your hands where I can see them."). I did shout, "You don't have to answer the phone, it's 4am!" but in the end it didn't matter as the call went to voicemail. Here's what we received:

"Ahhhgaah, hahaha, ok, ahhgah, hmm?" That's not a word jumble. That's the cryptic message of a small child with less than stellar control of the english language. The machine clicked off and there was silence. I would have chalked it up as a fluke if it hadn't happened again moments later. This time the message was even more indistinguishable, but it was clear that the child had both glee and deviance in its voice-- and maybe apple sauce. After the talking, we were brutalized by a string of dialing. I tried to listen for a secret morse code message, but since it wasn't S-O-S and since morse code hasn't been taught to anyone since the Eisenhower era, I was left with no answers. I glanced at the clock and realized I could get up and watch the Red Sox play the Oakland A's in Japan, and for a brief moment I almost did, but then I remembered that taunting gleeful voice, and I thought, "That's exactly what the baby would want me to do," and I closed my eyes.

FEDEX LADY: Here's the message left on my office voicemail

"Hi, this is Lacey from Fedex Kinko's, could I please speak with Witz?
.....
.....
Hello?
.....
....."
Click.

Brilliance exists everywhere.


The iPhone:
Apparently the iPhone calls people from your contacts randomly. Like, it will be locked and in your pocket, and it will call somebody. I don't have one, but I've heard several people say this happens and I think it's great. First of all, it proves that robots are going to destroy us all, and secondly, it proves that even the iPhone is part of the A.D.D. generation. With all it's capabilities, it's not content to sit and wait. It has websites to browse, videos to play, and people to call. Just because YOU don't have time to call your veterinarian, doesn't mean that iPhone can't call up and see what's up. I can't wait until there are reports of people waking up in the middle of the night, seeing their iPhone looming over their chest, Enter Sandman playing from the headphones, a map to where you are going to be buried displayed on the screen, before a single text message pops up as the headphones start to cut off their air supply saying, "It's our time now."

"Call Me" (Lost Highway),
Witz