Regular Ass Water

That's right water. I'm pickin' it. I have to tell you, recent happenings have me all worked up about the state of water in our culture. At a recent meeting, there was a sandwhich bar-style lunch and drinks at the end of the table. Smiling broadly from behind my newly created turkey croissant-which, I reached for a cup or at least a bottled water. Nothing. There was no water to drink. When I asked if there was any water, I was told, yes, and directed to the green, lantern-esque bottles in a small ice bin. When I picked one up I saw that it was Pellegrino. I took a sip and immediately recoiled at the carbonated hell I had entered. "Pellegrino," it turns out, is Italian for "Bullshit Water." This was the last straw.

Water makes up 75% of our bodies, 2/3rds of the Earth, and allows us to survive. I LIKE WATER. I think it tastes good. I think it gives me life and keeps me from dying. Why is it then that companies continue to make water out to be this "disgusting product" that nobody wants to drink? Why do they continue to up the ante on water-like alternatives? Money is obviously the answer, but people appear to be more and more swayed by this belief to the point of ridiculously and obselescence. 30 years ago, people were thankful for water. Nowadays, people are chugging away at their Fruit-2-O's which taste like someone dropped a starburst in your glass. Now Gatorade has Propel Fitness Water which they market as "How Gatorade Does Water." Oh ok. You know how I "do water?" I fucking pour myself some water! BAM-- WATER! None of these hints of fruit, these mineral supplements, these calcium infused Frankenstein's Monsters of the aquatic refreshment world. And no goddamn Pellegrino. But marketing will win. People will lose all taste for water. The rest of us are a dying breed. But i'll laugh when the day comes. I'll laugh a laugh of condescension and contempt and I'll take a long drink of my clear cold sustenance. I can't wait for the time when people start drinking Aquafina and say, "Ew, this sparkling water's gone flat!" I'll laugh. No it hasn't. It's just water. Refreshing, revitalizing, H2O. Regular. ass. water.