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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Witz DOESN'T Pick: The Unusual Longevity of White Bread

Ok, here's the deal-- there's a single slice of white bread lying in my garage and it's FREAKIN' ME OUT! Seriously. In the parking spot next to my car lies a single slice of perfectly white bread. Possibly Wonder. And it's been there a week, and it's perfectly white. It's rained, frosted, been warm. The slice remains surrounded by water darkened cement-- perfectly white. It freaks me out because this is something people have said to me my entire life. My Dad used to tell me how white bread was no good, my teachers said white bread was "empty calories", trainers and coaches told me the same thing, and my girlfriend told me time and again that white bread is terrible for you. Empty carbs and calories. And now, as this slice lays there, CONTENT, just....OBLIVIOUS to the elements...I'm beginning to think it might be worse than empty calories. I'm talkin' Twinkie level here. Is this the "wonder" in Wonder Bread? That it's freaking indestructible and can last through a nuclear blast? Is that why the bread is there? Did someone put it out to test it's strength and durability? And who was this person? Was it the white bread company? Are they entirely confused on what I want out of my bread? "They want it to last years. Through snow and hail and hurricanes. Monsoons should compliment this bread-- give it depth." Is this what they're thinking? Or was it just a person in my building? Did they place it or drop it and decide to leave it? Did they leave it for this reason or are they the laziest shits I've ever heard of-- a person who can't pickup the lone slice of white bread that they left IN THEIR OWN PARKING SPOT? Or was it an outsider-- someone not supposed to be there-- maybe just someone trespassing into another tenant's parking spot. Was it me? Did I get drunk, buy a bread I haven't eaten in years, remove one slice and drunkenly place it in my neighbor's spot? Did I mean it to be symbolic-- to counteract the SUV-ness of the vehicle parking there? "This white bread will last longer than our planet thanks to your vehicle purchase. See the whiteness of the bread? It is in perfect contrast to the blackness of your heart." Is this art? Should I take a picture-- charge admission-- make a papier mache cast of it? These are the thinks I wonder as I stare at the single slice of white bread. Surviving. Lying there. Contented to be. But I'm not going to be the one to pick it up. The white bread is there. It is a part of life now. And it remains. Always.

Witz

3 comments:

Sara said...

You need the "healthy immune system" of white bread.

Sara said...

Do you think it could be some college students doing a human response experiment? Maybe they are filming you every day, in your parking garage, pondering the existence of this perfect piece of white bread. Then, when you leave, they replace the piece so it looks like it isn't aging at all. Hmmm...those silly silly college students.

JKow said...

I'm going w/ Sara: I always remembered white bread tearing if you look at it the wrong way and dissolving if there's too much humidity in the room. Hmmmm...