Witz Pickz: The Nature Boy, Analytics, and Authority Zero

This will be the fifth post in five days for me on Witz Pickz-- something unheard of since the first few days of the site when I was all excited and unemployed (hot and not bothered). Since then, my posts have been sporadic and in short bursts, like the success of Avacados. But now I'm back in a big way, and here's why:

Google Analytics:
It was brought to my attention recently that whether I know it or not, Google owns my balls. While I thought this was impossible as I sold my balls in 1992 in exchange for a Color Me Bad t-shirt and Mega Man 6 for Game Boy, it turns out my balls are currently owned by Google. When you open a gmail account or an adwords account or a google talk/earth/etc account, you have opened a google account. Another cool thing that I recently learned about is that there is a large screen at Google Headquarters where it constantly streams google searches that are being made for all watching to see. I therefore would like to encourage everyone to google something amusing about Google at least five times a day in the hopes that it comes on the board in Mountain View, California. At the very least this will amuse US. I mean, imagine someone at google grabbing a coffee as they read, "Google sends millions of condoms to indiginous South American tribes," or "Google licks its own nipples." Or how about, "Why is this guy drinking coffee at Google so frail looking?" THAT'LL cause some self-image/paranoia issues! I've also started using a phrase recently for people who just look techie, but hip-- I say that that guy, "just got off the google shuttle." I hope this picks up because it's the short bus of our generation-- only the passengers are generally super intelligent and confident in themselves. Having said all this, I like google. I think it's great, and while I don't use their maps, I do love their Google Analytics. You paste a bit of code into your blog/website and the information starts flowing back to your analytics account. I can now see how many unique and repeat hits/users I get a day as well as where in the world these hits are coming from (Carmen Sandiego). Apparently, and I've said this all along, I'm huge in Falkirk. There are all types of ways to analyze the data and sort through it, but right now, just the basic graphs are enough to keep me writing. So well done Google Analytics, you've re-invigorated Witz Pickz and now Witz Pickz you.

The Nature Boy Rick Flair:
I was never really into WWF wrestling back in the day, but some of my friends were and that gave me the general wrestling knowledge I need to get by today. While flipping through the channels last week, I stumbled upon Rick Flair (The Nature Boy) slapping an opponent in the face and then "WHOO"-ing at the crowd (his signature thing). I was kind of grossed out at first by the 50-something year old man with his wrestling-fat-strong abs and pecs, but then realized how audacious it was that he kept on wrestling at his age. I mean, look-- The man is fifty years old and still calls himself The Nature BOY. Then, he looks filthy and grimy and flabtastic, but has the nerve to SLAP a man half his age and twice his size. If the whole thing wasn't scripted, that younger wrestler could rip his arms off, lift him up, and flip him like a coin. But because of the safety of the script, Flair can be a total jackass to this aggressor, make HIM look like an idiot, and even get in a few good moves before taking his choreographed beating. And he still "Whoo's" at the crowd afterwards. That's so completely shameless that it makes him brave.

Authority Zero:
I have always enjoyed the Arizona punk stylings of Authority Zero, but am constantly nervous that their newest album will be awful. I don't know why, but this just hangs over me whenever I hear that a new album is on its way. Their newest album "12:34" came out recently and I didn't know what to expect. I listened to the sample songs on www.myspace.com/authorityzero and was really pleased, so I acquired (hehe) the rest of the album and listened to it-- AND IT'S GREAT from start to finish. Not as good as the first album, but definitely catchy and interesting. There was one song, however, that freaked me out. I THOUGHT the lyrics went:

It's your duuuuuty
To take em on, take em out, take a stand, take a bow
It's your duuuuuty
etc.

This confused me because it really sounds like they suddenly became pro-war, pro-Bush when on their last album the song Revolution included the lyrics, "You want a revolution/Yeah!/Ya gotta make a difference on your own/Ya want a revolution/Yeah!/Stand up, stand up and make it known!" Which in my mind was the opposite idea. So I sang along to this Duty song despite my confusion and just figured "at least it's catchy." I then went to check the lyrics of the song and was astounded by what I found.

Before I say what I found, I want to remind everyone how easy it is to confuse lyrics. I think at least 90% of America thinks that Blinded By the Light says, "ripped up like a douche," and I honestly don't know if that's right or not. So don't be baffled when I say that the song is not called Duty, nor is the word duty even mentioned in it. The song is called "Courage" and the line is "It's your cooooourage, to take em on, take em out, take a stand, take a bow." Now I still think the bow line is weird all to itself, but the song takes on a whole new meaning and at the end, when I thought the backup vocalist was screaming, "It's your duuutyyy, it's your duuttyyy" and then assumed it was, "it's your cooourage, it's your courraaage" it turns out he was screaming, "Let's go Jerrrrry! Let's go Jerrrrrryy!" Eight times. I have no idea what that means, but I assume their next album will include songs entitled, "Tom Can Go Eff Himself" and "My Punk Buddy Seinfeld" or even, "We Have An Unnatural Urge To Root for Jerry Rice." I dunno. Either way, it reminds me that song lyrics should not be discussed until you figure out what the hell they are for sure, and that sometimes your mind hears what it wants to, even if it's way off base. Now let me go watch tv while google analyzes everything I've said here today.

Witz