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Friday, June 22, 2007

Witz Pickz: One Post to Rule Them All -- An UberPick

When a Witz post kicks it off with a Lord of the Rings reference, you know ish is going down. I've meant to post all week, but various things have kept me from doing so. Thus, I give you the UBERPOST. A post involving so many different things that you will be saited for the entirety of the previous week...or something like that.

In fact, this post will reference so many previous posts that you will be forced to stay on the site for more minutes than ever before, which I will then see on Google Analytics. This will be especially true for you "Google search keyword 'that Lever 2000 song' Boy." And don't think I'm not talking about you, "Person who searched for 'Little pussey' and came up with a story about my tonsils Guy." That's right folks, with Google Analytics, I can see where my hits are coming from, and it turns out I actually get some hits from Google searches. In fact, I can now honestly answer the question, "Witz, do you get a lot of people browsing for porn on your site?" with the answer, "Yes! Not only do I get the ones searching for porn, but I get the ones searching for porn who can't spell correctly!" And really, isn't that the general audience I'm going for? Here's my thinking: If even one person who is searching for "LITTLE pussey" ends up at Witz Pickz instead of the alternative-- then I've done this world a LITTLE good. So I would like to now nominate myself for Humanitarian Website of the Year Award (that phrase might get some google keyword hits). In addition, I'd like to add "The Office, Paris Hilton, Bill Simmons, Tiger Woods, Mulch, Donkey Kong, Mr. Show, Donkey Show, FREE QUIZNOS COUPONS, and The State."

So check it. You know my Substantially Below Average Human Immune System? Well, since quitting my job and being Unemployed (emphatically), I've been sick about 30 out of the 40 days. As you, well informed, consistently curious reader who doesn't jump ship just because Witz has been missing for a day or two weeks, know, I had tonsilitis right after quitting my job which led to Airline Mis-Adventure and ultimately resolved itself around Day 8 or 9 of the Penicillin process. I was then healthy for a bit of my time at home before getting a weird feeling in my throat and nose, and probably tonsils and sinuses. This happened the day before I left to return to the West Coast. Now, this might not have manifested into much of anything if I hadn't then had one of the worst travel days ever.

Flying Continental Airlines, My flight from Hartford to Newark (a 30 minute flight), was delayed from 1:20pm to 4:45pm (we boarded, parked the plane in the far reaches of the airport, then drove back and deboarded about 2 hours later) due to storms approaching vaguely from the west. The plan was therefore to WAIT UNTIL THE STORMS PASSED US. AWESOME. So we waited and eventually got to Newark at 5:25, the time my connecting flight to Seattle was supposed to take off. So I sprint off the plane, hoping for a few minute delay that will allow me to reach to flight and arrive in Seattle on time. No worries, mate, because when I arrive at the DEPARTURES Board, I see that the flight has been DELAYED until 10PM! That'll gimme a few extra minutes to buy some water. Luckily, back in Hartford, they had also booked me on the 8:10 out of Newark in case we missed the connection, so I wouldn't have to wait until 10 PM after all. Phew.

Feeling worse and worse as the day went on, I tried to stay hydrated, but was unable to sleep at all since they refused to delay any flights outright, but only in 15 minute increments. I needed to actually get a ticket for the 8:10 flight, so I couldn't even sleep in between the 5:25 and the 8:10 timeframe, I had to wait until somebody manned the booth so I could jump in line. 7:30pm was the time this happened. So I get in line and talk to the Continental rep who doesn't understand why I would be booked on two flights to the same place, but does look like George Lopez, so I trust him. I explain it several times and finally he gets me a ticket, says the flight WILL leave on time and that my luggage will still be coming in on the 10pm flight. Fine. I don't care. Get me to Seattle.

8:10 comes around and all of a sudden we find out that our flight is ready to go, but.......now before I say this, I need to have you all think of what is important for a plane to have in order to fly anywhere.....think you've got it? Good. Here's what they say, "We're all set here, ready to go, but we don't actually have A PILOT!!!" They don't have anyone to FLY THE PLANE. Oopsies and whatnot. So we wait. Once again, they don't give us hard times, they just say, "We'll have an update in 15 minutes" as if once they find someone they will just have us hop in and take off right away. As 9pm approaches and I hear, "We're currently trying to locate a pilot in the greater NY/NJ area," I decide I'd better beat the rush and head over to the 10pm flight to see if I can get back on with my luggage. I sprint across the airport to the other gate where a much younger, off-the-cuff girl gets me a seat back on the plane with my luggage. She entirely understands my situation, gets me a better seat than I had before, and assures me that the plane HAS A PILOT. Sold.

10pm comes and goes for the 8:10 flight, and we board the 10pm flight anxiously. All night we've been hearing announcements of runway delays of upwards of THREE HOURS from pushback to takeoff. That phrase has become a nightmare for me. Pushback to Takeoff. In a completely unreligious and aetheistic way, I pray to God to get us off the ground and to Seattle. Non-God grants me this wish, and with only a 30 minute runway delay, we take off, make up time in the air (which is always so money. The pilot always says it so cavalier, like he's gonna do us this solid despite Air Traffic warnings, because he's been around a bit and he's not like those other stodgy pilots who brake for pigeons. HE'S...gonna make up some time in the air), and get to Seattle by 1am which of course feels like 4am. by 2am(5am) I get my bags and am home and ready to go to sleep by 6am Standard Body Time. Fun.

For the average human being this wouldn't be a problem. People go without sleep. They just do. It's ok. People "don't feel good" and manage to "heal" because they "have to." Me? I get some vague disease that lasts for ten days straight (fingers crossed, but I'm feeling a lot better today. Not BETTER, but at least more specifically NOT ALRIGHT, instead of the vagueness of THE DISEASE which I have dubbed "Cancaidsabetes-- yes, a theoretical combination of cancer, AIDS, and diabetes. Am I bad person? Yes. Does Cancaidsabetes kinda sound like a breath mint? Yes. Does this mean I don't have it? NO). So that is why my posts have been both very consistent and very sporadic over the last few weeks.

AND NOW FOR A STORY OF VICTORY!


Remember when my teeth were imploding and Asshole Dentists wanted to charge me unholy amounts of money to take care of my Naturally Defunct Teeth? Well, Witz Pickz Dental Victories, readers, because I did what any unemployed, broke, procrastinator would do-- I ran home to my childhood dentist. That's right-- the dentist who's opinion I like. Who says things like, "It's not getting any worse, but it might get better," instead of, "I think I could fit about 375 of your dollars in there, yeah!" So while I was home, I went back to my old dentist for a FREE CONSULT which was amazing considering my new dentist charged me 20 bucks for a tube of toothpaste and 21 bucks for them to EMAIL my records to my other dentist. So they check out my teeth and here's what they say, "I can't say that they are absolutely wrong, but there is no way I would tell you to get those filled. I wouldn't tell my own kids to have those things filled at this point. You've only had one cavity your whole life, and now suddenly you have FOUR? I think they were trying to just get as much money as possible out of you while you were there." HA! And then he said this, "You were right to trust your instincts." MY INSTINCTS! The ones that say, "Pizza is ALWAYS a good idea," and "Health Insurance isn't important! You don't get SICK very often, right?" were actually right in this case! HA! He also told me that $350 was WAY high for WHITE FILLINGS (see), and that nobody uses silver fillings anymore (good idea). He pointed out another tooth that he had mentioned before could use a filling ("It's not getting any worse, but it won't get any better") and offered to fill it sans insurance for $190. Look at that. Look. At. That. Now obviously there's the possibility that my old dentist is massively incompetent and always has been. BUT. I have never experienced any tooth pain in my years, and am happy to believe that I can make do with only 1 filling instead of 4.

A Victory Nonetheless (should be a band name),
Witz

P.S. "Gigantic Crocks, Newd Girls, XXX: Not the Movie"

1 comment:

Edward said...

Excellent pickz!