Witz DOESN'T Pick: Monday Melange 2

Mmmmmm, melange...

Hotel Towels:
Why do hotels still utilize gym towel technology? They try and provide all different kinds of amenities, from free HBO to a pool to fitness rooms, and yet even some of the nicer hotels I've been into have horribly uncomfortable towels. They're the kind that make you think the someone in charge saw those "cottage cheese ceilings" and said, "That. I want that-- only as towels." Maybe they thought it would save time, like instead of needing to shower AND exfoliate AND dry off, you could just rub down with the rough fabric and kill two of three birds with one of two stones. And another thing-- are horse jockeys the primary guests at hotels or is the Ramada just trying to make my life a little sexier? Nowhere else in the world are towels as tiny as they are at hotels. Sure, SOMETIMES this might not be awkward, but combine those towels with an overloaded room of soccer players and no bathroom vent for the steam, and you're one quick turn away from "tandem skydiving" if you know what I mean-- which you might or might not since I just made up that euphamism...All I'm saying is that it's time for hotels to step it up on the towel front and give me a towel I can work with. I don't need more than they're normal ration of shampoo, I don't need free toothpaste-- but I could use a little more shower comfort, as opposed to having it feel like I'm getting mauled by a friendly long nailed Kuala Bear every time I dry off.

Energy Banter:
I parked my car in the event lot the other day and headed into work. Unlike most days, when there isn't an actual event, there was an Energy Summit going on so the lot was packed. Feeling chipper with the knowledge that my car WOULDN'T be towed, I walked towards the exit. On the way, I saw a Zip Car and a person near me from another car at the same time. The problem when two events like that occur simultaneously is that I forget to make comments in my head and actually deliver them out loud. In this case, it led to my saying,

"Really? Driving a Zip Car to an Energy Summit? SOMEONE'S trying too hard..."

Guess who found that amusing? JUST ME. Certainly not the person I spoke to, who didn't even give me a courtesy chuckle, but instead fake smiled slightly, frowned a little, and walked off quickly. Maybe making jokes about someone saving TOO MUCH energy to someone at an ENERGY conference isn't a good idea. I blame my chipperness.

New iPhone:
My friend, Casual Monday, got a text on his old phone from AT&T telling him how much sweeter the new iPhone is. It's faster and more awesome and does more things! That's like being told by your girlfriend how much better this other girl who's way into you is-- only you already booked a vacation with the old girlfriend and the ticket is non-transferable.

Poor Metaphors:
My office sent a cookie bouquet to a guy who broke his leg that said, "Get better quickly!" or something to that extent and it had pictures of turtles on it. When I pointed out that it doesn't make ANY DAMN SENSE, because turtles are the SLOWEST OF CREATURES, I was told, "No, it's like the tortoise and the hare, because the tortoise finishes first," to which I pointed out that it had NOTHING TO DO WITH SPEED, but simply that the Hare went running off like me on red bull & vodkas and then crashed for a while when he hit a sugar low. The fact that Hare needs to be on the Zones diet to control his blood sugar doesn't mean that Tortoise is any faster. Those cookies shouldn't say, "Get better quickly!" they should say, "Stay on course-- take as long and steady a recovery as you need," but then they sound like Republicans. Zing.

Eli Stone:
Everything balls crazy that happens to you is probably fake. You know this. Get your shit together.

Bees:
Stop hanging out in grass. It is absolutely insane that the threat of "stepping on a bee" exists. Obviously, I recently stepped on a bee, classic Witz occurrence. BUT SERIOUSLY-- spread your wings and fly. The threat of stepping on a bee is almost as nuts as the idea of hitting a bird with your car. When it happens, it seems almost impossible. Why would birds not dodge my car? Why would birds fly at head level? It's so baffling that when you hit a bird, it actually feels like it's YOUR FAULT. Like YOU did something specifically horrible to the world. Like if other people saw, you're the asshole. I still might see Bee Movie...


Cottage Cheese Ceilings: Setting the Cottage Cheese Industry Back 60 Years,
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