Witz DOESN'T Pick: Cat Nap

It's possible to love too much. Furthermore, it is possible to love too hard. My roommate's cat is an overly aggressive cuddler. She goes one step beyond the usual brushing up against you and actually rams you with her head and body. It's not that she wants to feel your touch so much as she wants to knock you out and make you bleed. The purring never stops.

My roommate is out of town and so, last night, my first night back, I learned that aggressive cuddling and domestic abuse aren't so far apart. The following encounter is factual:

10:30pm -- Godiva the cat wanders into my bedroom as I am settling my jet-lagged self into bed. "Oh good," I think. "Perhaps the cat will settle into bed with me while I sleep, thus comforting me. How shall I entice it?" I then proceeded to say, "Godiva!" because naming things gives you power over them.

10:45pm -- Godiva the cat has jumped up into bed and has been circling me routinely for the past fifteen minutes. She hits against my face, my arms, and my legs. I pet her, and she's purring, but she better settle soon so I can sleep.

12:45am -- Godiva the cat refuses to settle and I've started taking a tone with her. "Godiva!" I whisper-yell insanely. "Go to sleep!" Instead she smacks her head against my face and I think to myself, "She's only doing this because she cares about me." I lie completely still, trying to trick her into thinking I'm asleep. Apparently, Godiva has no problem sleep-assaulting me, as she continues to go after my exposed hands and head. I hide my limbs under the blanket and start in on the crazy swearing: "Godiva, fucking knock it off or I will fucking throw you out the window to your cat doom nine times!" Then I add, "Just leave!" If he can hear me, my other roommate must think I'm insane. Fair enough.

1:00am -- "Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!....Ohmygodstop!"

1:01am -- Godiva the cat is locked on the outside of my door crying in the way that cat's cry and sound like old people. "Shuuuuuuut up!" Mew. Mew. Mew. I consider my options. I can suck it up and let the cat cry, but then I both feel bad AND don't fall asleep-- after all, I'm the guy who needs the white noise of a fan to mask...SILENCE...to fall asleep. So that's out. I can take Godiva and lock her in a room farther away. That sounds like my best option, but then, theoretically, that means I should move the litter box into whichever room is with the cat and I don't see that happening, especially because the litter "box" is actually more like an igloo and I'm not entirely familiar with litter igloo technology. So I open the door and give Godiva the cat a stern, "Shut the fuck up." Then I get back in bed.

1:02am -- Godiva the cat climbs in bed with me. Anticipating the move, I have my hands, arms, feet, and most of my face and head tucked under the comforter. My eyes are locked shut, and while it is extremely warm beneath the covers, it is my only hope at sleep. Godiva sniffs around me, but doesn't make a move. I tense as I hear her curl up between me and the wall. Then I hear nothing.

3:00am -- "Goddamn motherfuckin' piece of I'll kill you!" My eyes snap open to the wet sniff and headbutt of Godiva the cat. I snap upright and for the first time in my life, I wonder what the ethics are on punching a cat in the face. My fist is clenched, wound up, inches from her face, per my human-like reflexes when startled awake. I hesitate and think of how I won't be able to say, "Well, at least I've never punched a cat in the face before..." ever again without lying and so I slowly put down my hand. "Maybe I could just Lenny this one to death..." I think, but then realize that however incidental Godiva's death might seem, my roommate will not forgive me for such occurrences-- plus, I've always considered myself a cat person, and it'd be tough to make that claim in the future when I have to add, "I mean, I've only killed ONE!" Furious and exhausted, I flop back into bed, return to my coccoon, and hide. Sleep comes slowly, and always with that slightly audible purr just outside of reach, a promise and a threat.





6:00am -- You don't need an alarm when you have Godiva the cat. Godiva doesn't have to go to work. Godiva's gonna be sitting at home watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall on blu-ray while I wander half-dazed through my day. Godiva's going to be listening to Muscles turned up full blast on our speakers and eating the last few bites of my Expresso Burrito while I fall asleep at the wheel, and Godiva will be curled up snugly in my bed, purring, as my last few moments in this world fade away.

Disney Movie In the Making,
Witz