Witz DOESN'T Pick: The Deaf Olympics

The Deaf Olympics-- yep-- they exist. If you're anything like me, you're furious. I believe in equal rights, gay marriage, buying alcohol on Sundays, watching Entourage and stopping global warming, but when it comes to my athletics, I'm a staunch conservative. It's not that I don't think there should be opportunities for deaf people, it's just that I want people to be able to fail just as equally as the rest of us.

Not only do the Deaf Olympics exist, but they call them THE DEAFLYMPICS. The Deaflympics sounds like a hip-hop crew, not a majestic international competition. Apparently, they have been going on for years, and you've probably heard the marketing, but couldn't really understand what was being said and just kind of smiled and nodded until it went away. This summer, they will take place in Taipei, and in the winter of 2011 The 17th Deaflympics will take place on the "smallest high mountain" in Slovakia. Clearly a lot of time and effort is going into these games, which raises the most important question: WHY DO DEAF PEOPLE NEED SPECIAL OLYMPICS (but not THE Special Olympics). Here's what The Deaflympics have to say:

"The need for separate games for deaf athletes is not just evident in the numbers of participants. Deaf athletes are distinguished from all others in their special communication needs on the sports field, as well as in the social interaction that is an equally vital part of the games."

Being deaf is a disability, but not a disability that effects sports. If being deaf is an athletic disability, then being 5'10'' with a 6'' vertical is also a disability and I want to play in the Totally Average Build Olympics (aka The Thanks For the Shit Genetics Mom and Dad Olympics). The Deaflympics site (yes, www.deaflympics.com) says that their are language issues, but isn't sign language the same as having to have someone translate for you? It's even better, because you can see it from farther away than you could hear someone shouting in Cantonese. There is only one scenario in which I can see a bunch of deaf athletes having a problem-- Track and Field.

Announcer: Runners ready! Aaaaand ::GUNSHOT!:: Uh...hm. ::GUNSHOT!:: Goddamn it.

That's it. Nobody starts. Would it be that difficult to have some other cue announce the start of the race for the 1-3 events involving deaf racers? I have a tough time believing that there are millions of amazing olympic caliber athletes out there that are only being held back by their inability to hear. The previous quote would have you believe that simply because there are so many deaf people IN the Deaflympics, there are that many athletes that could compete at the Olympic level if they weren't deaf. That logic is flawed-- maybe there are 5-6 Deaflympians who would make it, but everyone else is probably more need of a Deaf Backyard Pickup Game. As Nitro says,

"Have you ever tried to run really fast when you couldn't hear where the ground was and all you could do is give your 100% focus or what you're doing given the sheer LACK of distractions? Those guys are heroes. That's like being a deaf golfer. Who gives a shit?"

The Deaflympics serve only to give complete impunity to people who want to heckle athletes (who goes to THE OLYMPICS and heckles athletes???). You can say absolutely whatever you want without the athletes knowing. Which leaves the door wide open for going to the Deaflympics and making heckle signage:

"Hey-- run faster asshole, they're RIGHT behind you!"

"Dude, you're running so fast you broke the sound barrier-- oh wait, nevermind, you're just deaf!"

"Why are you reading this sign?? You're getting distracted by a sign in the audience and throwing away your one chance at glory? You're making a joke out of The Deaflympics!"

"Wow, you're really good at rowing. I can hear MUSIC!"

Deaf competitors have an equal chance of socially interacting at the Olympics as everyone else. Hundreds of languages are represented-- I promise Lebron James doesn't speak Russian, but I bet if he wanted to, he'd find a way to communicate with them. The Olympic Committee isn't letting in more South Indian athletes just so everyone who speaks Tamil can get wasted together knock over Pakistani mailboxes with their cricket bats (this is something I believe might happen both in India and the Olympics), so why give people who "speak" sign language their own olympics? Which brings up ANOTHER question: What about the barely deaf?

The Barely Deaf have been running society for thousands of years. Ignoring what they don't feel like dealing with, but paying attention when it is to their advantage. The Barely Deaf live among us without you even knowing. You might be Barely Deaf. I might be Barely Deaf. There is no way of knowing until it is too late, and they have stolen your television, your loved ones, and ultimately, your dignity and self-respect. There is without a doubt a rift within the Summer and Winter Deaflympics. The Barely Deaf have been holding the For Realsies Deaf hostage (metaphorically, not like a big Deaf Munich-- too soon? I'm gonna make the movie Deaf Munich...then Deaf Prefontaine...Deaf The Mighty Ducks) since the very beginning of the Deaflympics-- using what small advantage they may have to take gold again and again. Ending the Deaflympics would be a huge step towards equal deaf rights, as well as equal rights in general. The time is now, and we need to hear the call to action-- because the deaf never will. Ever.

Tongue In Cheek (Is How Deaf People Sound),*
Witz

P.S. Fun note-- there are 20 Summer Deaflympics events and only 5 Winter Deaflympics events. I guess barrelling down a mountain without being to hear a gd thing isn't such a big thing. I also believe I'm good enough to play on a deaf hockey team. There, I said it.

*These are just jokes people**
**I'm still going to hell***
***Maybe I'll play in the Hellympics
****There are no Winter Hellympics