Friday, October 09, 2009

Witz Pickz: Drive-By-Numbers -- Day Four through Day Six (Las Cruces to Austin)

First off, yes, I'm alive! It occurred to me that not blogging might imply road-death, and was worried about the influx of emails I would get inquiring as to my safety. When that didn't happen, I realized that not posting regularly is probably an issue and that one day it might lead to my doom as I wither away with broken legs in a canyon or ditch somewhere while somewhere someone sits asking, "When the hell is Witz gonna post about how he embarassed himself this week?" So, for those of you passive worriers-- I'm alive. Meaning this scenario didn't happen:

"Oh no, my car broke down!"
"We're here to fix it."
"Really? I didn't even call anyone yet!
"We've been keeping tabs on you."
", you don't look like Triple A..."
"We're Triple K."

It turns out that while things might look scary on paper, I-10 is a major interstate and I wasn't the only person driving from Point A to Point B on it. It's what makes America great and what makes it terrible-- ubiquitous mainstream culture. At times it's depressing and awful, but during the stretch from San Diego to Austin, I fully appreciated the safety of the highway, the regularity of the gas stations, and the resources provided by chain stores. I bought a much needed shirt at Old Navy, got wifi at Starbucks, and found what I needed at a Radio Shack, all in one plaza in Nowhereville, New Mexico. To the numbers:

Days Four though Six: Las Cruces to Austin and The ATX

Miles: 670

Speed Limit: 80 - Ok, so 75mph was awesome, but there comes a point when a speed limit goes from being amazingly liberating to being condescending. Sure, if I was driving a Corvette or Mustang I'd have unleashed the need for speed on that open road, but when I'm driving a fully packed Subaru Outback that maxes out at about 87mph before shaking wildly, it's just mean-spirited taunting.

Balorhea: 1 - There's only one place named Balorhea, but that was enough to have me giggling like a five year old. If you haven't laughed already, no jokes I make will get you to, so I'll leave it at that.

Dead Armadillos: 14 - I counted no fewer that FOURTEEN dead armadillos on the side of the road as I drove through Texas...which was great, because I'd never seen an armadillo before and these were completely stationary and mostly intact. I know that should be kinda sad, but armadillos have the unfortunate case of looking like something out of Super Mario Brothers, and so they just leave me wondering who jumped on their head. The answer is that a multiple ton truck landed on their head at 80+ miles per hour. I bet most of them had a hemi.

Austin itself was a great time, and I got to see both The ATX (my friend, who's Witz Pickz nickname only now becomes an issue) and Dani Law, as well as a good friend from High School, Roy Shivers. I do have a few stats though:

4,305: The number of college kids I saw on east 6th Street aka Dirty Sixth that I felt the world could do without.

2: The number of Mesquite Smoked Beers I was able to drink before feeling completely grossed out. Shiner makes the beer and it basically tastes like you dumped some bbq chips into your mouth and then took a swig of beer. I'm pretty sure if you eat Bacon Chocolate while drinking Mesquite Beer, Willy Wonka shows up and grants you three wishes (one of which probably being to make your insides stop feeling like they want to be your outsides.)

1: The number of turtle races I saw at a bar. Nothing says, "Classy night out" like a bucket of turles being dumped out and watching as they haphazardly charge towards freedom in a race they have no concept of. I think this is what the Kings of Leon song, "The Bucket," is about. My only real thought was, "If someone drops some ooze in that bucket, shit is gonna get nuts!"

J. Dilla vs. 36 Armadillos - Who Wins?,

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