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Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Witz Pickz: Drive-By-Numbers -- Days Two and Three (Santa Monica to San Diego to Las Cruces)

Days two and three took me from Santa Monica through San Diego to my current residence at the Days Inn in Las Cruces, New Mexico. After ten hours in the car today and the last two nights on couches, I feel like a ten year old kid in a luxury hotel for the first time. TV, AC, heated pool, hot tub, and TWO queen beds!? I'm pretty sure if I push the two beds together, the sky is going to open up and a bright light is going to ask whether I want to wait a while or if I'd like to go to Heaven right then and there.

Day Two: Santa Monica to San Diego

Miles Driven: 135 miles

Number of Extremely Specific Parking Meters: 1 -- A quarter gets you 12 minutes, a dime gets you 4 minutes and 48 seconds, and a nickel gets you 2 minutes and 24 seconds. That seemed noteworthy.

Number of Attractive Exterior Sides at PETCO Park: 0

Number of Reasons I'm Ridiculous: +1 -- I was consciously attracted to and hungout in the Gaslamp Quarter of San Diego because I really like the band The GasLIGHT Anthem. What is wrong with me.

Hours Spent Smelling EFFING DELICIOUS Due to Use of Yogurt Vanilla Honey Body Wash I Found in My Friend M-Rob's Shower: 6

Rabbit Sightings: 4 -- In a shamefully desperate attempt to keep me from leaving, San Diego delivered no fewer than four bunnies (the real kind...which makes it even hard to type without feeling embarassed) to me while I was on the UCSD campus. This is how great southern california is-- NYC has a rat problem, but San Diego has a BUNNY infestation.

Day Three: San Diego to Las Cruces

Leaving San Diego this morning marked the beginning of my eastern progress, 690 miles of progress to where I am now, and thus began the official countdown of:

2 -- Days Until I'm on Fire in a Ditch in West Texas. I'm going to Austin, which means some quality time through the part of Texas known for high school football, poverty, and extreme conservatism and bigotry. All of my friends agree that the odds are pretty good that I'm going to be raped, murdered, and hate-crimed in no particular order. Two of my friends went so far as to predict that I will find my doom in a ditch (jinx, you owe each other cokes!). Let the countdown begin.

75 -- The speed limit for almost the entire drive. At least I'm rushing to my doom. My 16 year old self got extremely giddy when I saw the speed limit posted, and I immediately thought about driving 120 (I know that's not logical). Unfortunately, without my ID (which will make "Nameless" a nice touch to my Texas obituary), the amazingness of the 75mph speed limit ended up only making me feel completely safe going 80mph.

2 - Border Patrol Checkpoints. I was inspected twice by border patrol and both times they waved me through pretty quickly. I guess white-jewish guy wearing a Stanford t-shirt, listening to Cloud Cult, and eating a Subway sub (making that 3 subway lunches in 3 days, but improving my visits to bathroom voyeur ratio to 3:1) didn't set off any of their mental alerts. My second encounter did allow for a quick pleasant exchange of my plans, leading to the border patrol officer telling me to, "Have fun," and me horrifically responding, "You too!"

3 - Hypothetical Road Signs. New Mexico wants to inform us of everything, but commit to nothing. I repeatedly saw these three signs:

"Dust storms may exist"
"Zero visibility possible"
"Report possible drunk drivers"

The existence and uselessness of those signs baffles me, but also makes me with they put up signs like, "Tsunamis Impossible Here" or "Sasquatch is a Myth." These were only topped by other New Mexico signage. First, a sign saying, "State Penitentiary Nearby: PLEASE do not pickup hitchhikers." You know what, I bet it's ok just to say State Penitentiary nearby. If people pick up hitchikers there, they're idiots, and saying "please" is just plain absurd. If someone wants to pick up a Prison Hitchhiker, they're not gonna stop just because you asked nicely.

Finally, New Mexico has random 20 mile spans called "Safety Corridors." They're safe because they have signs telling you not to drink and drive and the speeding fines are doubled. Which means that in reality, they are Scary Corridors where I think I'm going to get a speeding ticket AND they make the rest of the highway TERRIFYING CORRIDORS. I was under the impression all major highways were more or less safe, but apparently, all but 20 miles of New Mexico is a goddamn death trap. Good thinking, people.

Oh yeah, and 1 -- My First Sonic of the Trip.

"Ok, you ordered a crispy chicken wrap, fries, and a chocolate shake?
"Yes."
"Will that be it?"
"Yep..."
"Alright that'll--"
"And a grilled cheese."
"...A crispy chicken wrap, fries, a chocolate shake...and a grilled cheese."
"Awesome."
"Anything else?"
"No thanks-- it's just me in the car."

Ten Hours to Austin Tomorrow...

"State Penitentiary Nearby: Please Do Not Invite Wanderers to Sleep in Your Extra Queen Bed,"
Witz

2 comments:

Skin Patrol said...

"2 - Border Patrol Checkpoints. I was inspected twice by border patrol and both times they waved me through pretty quickly. I guess white-jewish guy wearing a Stanford t-shirt, listening to Cloud Cult, and eating a Subway sub (making that 3 subway lunches in 3 days, but improving my visits to bathroom voyeur ratio to 3:1) didn't set off any of their mental alerts."

Sounds pretty subverswayive.

JKow said...

So just when you were getting on board with Jared and subway diet... you go to sonic. well done.