Witz Pickz: Cinqo For Cinqo

Last night I ordered a "Cheese quesodilla" which I immediately realized was redundant and made me feel stupid. That's like saying, "Could I please have a cheese quesodilla...and could I have that on a tortilla please?" or, "You know what I would love? Do you have, like, a couple of tortillas that maybe-- and I don't know if you do this, but-- you could melt some cheese in between? Oh, you know what might go good with that? Do you have any avocados back there because I just had an idea..."

Now, I know what you're thinking: "When IS Cinqo de Mayo this year, anyway?" You're lucky I'm here, because TODAY is Cinqo de Mayo, which means it's time to throw a white sash over that green t-shirt you wore on St. Patty's Day, and get celebratin'. In honor of the day, here are five things that have been on my mind:

Uno) There have been dirty dishes and food in my kitchen since Sunday night, and something incredible just happened. I don't know if it's the heat or the humidity, or what, but the food has gone from smelling gross BACK to smelling good again. It smells like cooking. I'm not saying I'm going to eat any of it, but I definitely walked in and thought, "Something smells GOOD!" This is why we can't have nice things.

Dos) Two commercials have really bothered me over the last few months. The first is that taco bell commercial where the chick is talking about losing weight. Why would Taco Bell associate themselves with this woman? She's not a woman on a diet-- she's a fat woman who doesn't want to be fat, but isn't willing to stop eating fat food. And why do they show her "After" picture as her sitting in tall grass? Were the producers like, "Yeah, you look great now-- you know what would be good? A picture of you sitting in tall grass at, like, dusk." Are we even sure HOW she lost the weight?? "Thanks to taco bell...and lyme disease, I lost 56 pounds." Awful.

The other commercial that bothers me is on Hulu and is about one of the institutions that has plagued me most over the years: CAMP. It's not even for a specific camp, it's just for the institution OF camp, which is baffling. It's a bunch of b and c list celebrities/athletes saying that they went to camp and gained things like, "A personality" and, "best tarzan impression." The commercial ends menacingly, as one spokesperson I don't recognize says, "We went to camp...shouldn't YOU?" Um, I don't know, probably not, especially at this point in my life. But, thanks for getting all up in my shit Person I've Never Seen Before.

Tres) When are we going to stop acting surprised when someone sneezes twice in a row? Here's what always happens: SNEEZE. "God bless you." SNEEZE! "God BLESS you!" I've seen this happen a thousand times in my life, but I still have the same, "Oh my goodness, TWO sneezes?? Is your soul still in there or what??" reaction. Can't we just drop the charade now that we realize the soul is NOT trying ot escape our body? Why do I have to take part in a social ritual just because you got dust in your nose? And holy shit, heaven forbid someone sneezes three times, that's when people start going Mother Teresa: SNEEZE...SNEEZE...SNEEEEZE "Oh my! Are you ok?? Do you need to lie down or something? How's your healthcare? What is WRONG with you?? THREE SNEEZES?" Here's how I respond to sneezes:

1: God bless you
2: God BLESS you
3: Alright, now you're just asking for attention
4: Seriously, you look desperate
5: Fucking stop
6: is for chicks
7: heaven
8: pick a date
9: bust a rhyme
10: categories
Jack: --wait, sorry, I got distracted, what were we doing?

Quatro)I went to a Yankees game the other day and above everything else, one detail stood out as strange: Kikkoman is a sponsor and has a large banner on the infrastructure along with Budweiser and other major corporations. Kikkoman. Now...have you ever seen a Kikkoman commercial on tv? Heard one on the radio? Seen a billboard anywhere else, ever? I sure haven't. And...have you ever seen or heard any of their competitors advertising? Nobody is moving in on the soy sauce market. When I go to the store, I know I'm buying Kikkoman soy sauce. It's the one on the shelf, it's affordable, and it's probably going to fall out of my refrigerator door and shatter, but it's what I'm going to buy. So WHY IN THE HELL does Kikkoman need a banner at Yankee Stadium? It's ALMOST racist, now that I think about it. Did they get it solely for when Hideki Matsui was on the team? I guess they might have just thought it'd be pretty flagrant to get rid of it just because Matsui wasn't there anymore..."No, no, everyone knows that Robinson Cano LOVES Kikkoman soy sauce...seriously..."

Cinqo) As I was walking down the street yesterday, I passed a man walking a shaggy dog and then passed a group of teenagers. Here is the amazing conversation I came in on as they walked behind me:

Kid 1: Wait, what do you mean?
Kid 2: It looks like Beethoven.
Kid 1; What, like the composer?
Kid 2: The composer?! Nigga, why the fuck would I point to a dog and be talking about the composer?
Kid 1: Well, I don't know!
Kid 2: I said, "That dog looks like Beethoven. What kind of dog was Beethoven?"
Kid 1: Well, I just thought--
Kid 2: --the composer??
Kid 1: I--
Kid 2: The composer??
Kid 1: I just--
Kid 2: --goddamn, you dumb.

I had to take out my cell phone just to make it look like I was laughing at a text message and not at what I was hearing. Only, I started laughing way before I took my cell phone out, so it either looked like I remembered something funny that I had to text, or that I remembered that cell phones exist and that amused me to no end. Amazing conversation.

I Hope You're Not A Vegetarian, Because That Post Had a Lotta Meat,
Witz