Friday, May 21, 2010

Witz Pickz: Homeward Bound: The Fairly Standard Journey

If you've ever eaten a bag of Utz chips, you know that while they are tasty, the bags look like they were designed by John Wayne Gacy and produced in a meth lab outside Spokane, Washington-- BUT THEY'RE ONLY 99 CENTS! As I drove back to my hometown today, I saw an Utz Chips truck. The Utz Chips truck looks like, after a long day of work, it parks itself where the hills have eyes. I pulled up alongside the truck-- faded beige, rusty, with the Utz logo scraped and potentially shot at, the truck's door clanking partially open-- and made ill-advised eye contact with the driver, whom I recognized immediately from EVERY NIGHTMARE I'VE EVER HAD. Corpse eyes, pale skin, jagged teeth, splotchy bald head, and soiled clothing-- presumably from organizing the dead bodies in the back so they wouldn't move around and crush the chips during transport. Fortunately, he turned and looked at me, so I had a moment to glimpse his sordid soul, which will haunt me forever. I'm not saying I'm like, NĂ¼-Jesus or anything, but sometimes I think I experience this shit so you don't have to.

The rest of the trip was fairly standard, because if there's one thing I've learned, it's that no matter what time, what direction, or what highway you're driving on around NYC, there WILL be a broken down vehicle or accident causing massive traffic delays. I don't understand who these people are that hop on the highway in their flintstones cars only to roll to a halt in the fast lane, but there are plenty of them. Really? You're 1964 beat to shit dodge van died on the highway while you were cruising in the middle lane? Shocking. Save yourself the tow truck costs and just sell your van to Utz.

While I waited in traffic, I spaced out a little and thought about what I would do while I was home for a couple days. Obviously, I would eat more pizza than legally or socially acceptable. Beyond that, my family usually likes to watch a movie when we're all hanging out at night. My thoughts went to my bag containing not one, not two, but the fiscally intelligent, socially ridiculous, obviously unemployed THREE Netflix movies. Now, here's the thing: can anyone really HAVE anything? I mean, life is so fleeting, and the world such a constantly changing place, do any of us really POSESS anything, most of all Netflix movies, which aren't even our actual property? If the answer is no, then the movies in my backpack are of no consequence. If the answer is yes, well then, yeah, fine, I currently HAVE The Time Traveler's Wife, Precious: The Movie Based on the Book Push by Sapphire (in case you hadn't heard), and I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. I KNOW!

The perfect storm of movies I did not want to arrive. I didn't want to actually get The Time Traveler's Wife, because it's not a movie I want to admit having watched, especially alone (but it has Rachel McAdams AND somebody told me that *SPOILER ALERT* she keeps having miscarriages because THE FETUSES TIME TRAVEL, TOO! You can see why it might be in the queue). I didn't want Precious: Based on the book Push by Sapphire Based on the movie The Klumps by Eddie Murphy because that was only in my queue to show that I theoretically wanted to see emotionally traumatic oscar nominated movies. I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell...well...ok, so that was on there because the lead actor was the super lame christian dude from Friday Night Lights who gets all up on Lyla Gerrety after things go *SPOILER ALERT* to shit with Big Tim Riggins. Also, I hate the blog it is based on because I think it's everything wrong with humanity, both for how he acts and the fact that people read it and think it's hilarious. Oh, and I wanted to see what a movie based on a blog was like, so Witz Pickz: The Movie Based On the Blog Witz Pickz By Witz can be the best blog movie EVER. See? I have lofty dreams.

Traffic passed, and the rest of the trip was fairly standard. Per the usual, my hilaaarious ipod shuffled "99 Problems" on right as I rolled up to the toll booth and handed a 20 dollar bill through the window of my Subaru Outback to a man who clearly wanted to inform me that he had more problems than I did. I meant to tell him that he was probably right, but instead, I was like, "'Cause I'm young and I'm black and my hat's real low? Do I look like a mind-reader sir, I don't know!"

I got gas out of desperation and then did the "OHHH MAAAN! I could have gotten gas 7 cents cheaper here!" later on thing when I would have already run out of gas. Why do people do that? Unless you are fueling an aircraft, you're talking about a 2-3 dollar difference, but it always seems like a big deal (although, to make it seem like a big deal, simply convert those dollars to kit kat pieces. 2-3 dollars = 4-6 kit kat bars at Rite-Aid which breaks down to 16-24 kit kat pieces! I only discuss money in K2P.)

So after three hours, one gas break, one moment of seeing pure evil in a delivery truck, one awkward toll experience, and about fifteen baby corinaries from people who just don't know how to drive later, I was home. Land of Super Stop & Shop, Bob's Stores, Coffee Coolattas, and Showtime ondemand. Woooooorth iiiiiit.

Now You See Why I Didn't Call it Homeward Bound: The Best Post Ever,


c8 said...

I don't think your home town would appreciate being associated with Bob's Stores...I think they're looking to be defined more by the antique shops and small, country boutiques rather than the financially unstable, still trying to find their niche, chain of Bob's stores.

And Utz are rather delicious, despite their very odd packaging...

Witz Pickz said...

I have to disagree-- I think Bob's Stores have absolutely found their niche as a low-priced clothing outlet for teenagers, Northeast/New England sports fans, and child molesters. No?

Utz chips are delicious, but you have to try Herr's Kettle Cooked chips if you haven't-- every flavor is like crack.