(Never drink a Coor's Light while chewing Winterfresh Gum.)
It's 90 degrees outside. That's only 8.6 degrees cooler than INSIDE OF ME. Dry heat, my ass. When it's 90 degrees, there's nothing dry about me. I don't know who these people are running around in business suits, jackets and ties, without a single ounce of sweat dripping from their brow, but I hate them. They're walking around all stylish, meanwhile, I walk outside in a t-shirt and jeans and within five minutes, I look like I was on the business end of a dunking booth. And ya know what? I'm not alone in this and WE'RE NOT THE WEIRD ONES. I have a friend who says her body, "cools itself off when she starts to get hot-- and not by sweating." THAT'S WEIRD. A teammate on my soccer team told us a few weeks ago that, "Oh, I don't sweat...I just don't sweat." How is that possible?? Our bodies cool themselves off by sweating, that's how it works. Are these people just going to keel over one day, dehydrated beyond comprehension (or I guess "by definition"), lying on the ground while wild animals lick them for their salt? Who's socially unacceptable then? Yeah, that's right.
I'm not the only one going crazy from the heat, and for the sake of the girls I overheard talking the other day (June 21), I hope the weather knocked down their IQ about 80 points:
GIRL 1: Did you know, it's like, the longest day of the year?
GIRL 2: Wait, what?
GIRL 1: Yeah, it's like...the longest day.
GIRL 2: (thinking) Ohh, like, because it's a leap year?
GIRL 1: (pause) Yeah, I think so...
Holy. Shit. The good news, people, is that these girls believe it's a leap year, and therefore, more time is added to the hours in the day; a time when, theoretically, these girls believe they can ask a man to marry them in Ireland. The bad news is that WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. These are the girls that have babies-- not the 38 year old PhD candidates. And you know who they're having babies with? The geniuses behind this sign I saw a few weeks after Easter:
Yyyyup. All "eastern candy" is 50% off, so get psyched.* I wasn't aware Peeps had their origin in buddhism, but I guess it makes sense since I find them both unfathomably disgusting and yet oddly delicious at the same time.** Although, I do like the idea that muslim suicide bombers get to Paradise and are like, "I'd like my 72 virgins now," and Paradise is all, "Uhhh, we've got like...eight...butterfinger crunch eggs." Can Peeps even BE 50% off? Aren't those things like one cent a package anyway? Can't you only buy them with tickets won at a carnival? I thought Peeps were basically just used like wampum in pedophile communities. How the hell can Peeps be any cheaper than they already are? I'm not running around writing on the chalkboards in Harvard hallways or anything, but I'm pretty sure my math is right on this one.
Here's another reason why I won't be making any plans for December 22, 2012:
"Be Alert For Bats and/or Balls." I'm gonna go ahead and put a heavy bet on the "or" for this one. Those are the right field luxury boxes at Yankee Stadium. Unless Al Capone is winding up behind me, I don't need to waste a single bit of alertness on bats. Even a ball is a long shot (aha-ha), and honestly, if I'm biting into my hot dog right at the second a massive foul ball hits me in the head-- well, then it was my time to go. I've seen Final Destination (no, I haven't, but I think I understand the premise), and when it's your time, you might as well just accept it.
In related news, I'm thinking of doing a running commentary on the movie "2012." It was suggested that I watch and write about "He's Just Not That Into You," but, let's be honest, I've already seen that (although I do seem to have blacked it out completely from my memory, except for one moment when I remember thinking, "Didn't Scarlett Johansson used to have a career?" (I'm not complaining)). "2012" seems like a perfect candidate, and at a whopping 2 hours and 40 minutes, I will legitimately be able to say that I put in more hours of hard work than most days that I spent in my cubicle. Let me know what you think. In the meantime, I'll be here, "acclimating" to summer in New York, chewing Winterfresh gum***, and remembering that I'm just not made for this world.
It's a Good Time to Buy Stock In White and Black T-Shirts,
Witz
*Do you have any idea how awkward it is taking a picture of a store made sign while the checkout people who made the sign watch you? You're basically saying, "Sorry, I'll be with you in a minute, I just need to take a picture of this because YOU ARE F&#ING RETARDED."
**That's a Unity of Opposites joke, bitches. Now you can stop looking down on me for using the word "retarded."
***
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