First of all, the poster for this movie makes me car-sick. What I know about The Time Traveler's Wife is that Eric Bana inexplicably travels through time without any control. His wife, the title character, is my future bride, Rachel McAdams. Eric Bana, unlike Witz, constantly lets Rachel McAdams down because of his time traveling and from what I gather from the previews, it starts to wear on their marriage. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I heard from those who read the book that Rachel McAdams keeps having miscarriages because the babies time travel, too, while in the womb. I can only assume these horrific events mean that by the time she is able to birth a baby alive, the child will inevitably have fetal alcohol syndrome (see: Gracie Bell from Friday Night Lights). Ok, I'm too excited-- TIME to begin...
Obvious and flagrant spoiler warning
3 min: Holy shit. In the immortal words of Ted, "I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn." The main character, Henry, is little and in a car accident with his mom, only he time travels out of the car and then back again to a safe location as he watches his mom get hit by a truck and die. Older Henry shows up and quickly explains what we just saw happen, just in case we didn't catch the title of the movie we were going to see. Mostly, we learn one interesting aspect of time travel that I'm super excited for-- you always show up naked. "The Flasher's Wife."
4 min: Aw, christ, I just realized how much Eric Bana ass I'm gonna see...
5 min: First time travel joke, Friend in Library: "That took you long enough!" Eric Bana: "You have no idea." Zing!
6 min: Henry is a librarian...this is getting dangerously close to impinging on Noah Wyle's film niche.
8 min: 2nd Eric Bana ass shot. (That's 1 every 4 minutes for you statistics majors)
10 min: In the future, Henry's doctor told him that drinking causes him to time travel! The SAME thing happens to my friend Nick of Time aka Nitro! Every time he drinks too much, he wakes up hours in the future without any memory of what happened!
14 min: Claire (Rachel McAdams) shows up psyched to see Henry even though he doesn't know who she is. Apparently, they met a long time ago and he told her this meeting would occur, so now they're going on a date. Future Henry is brilliant. Future Henry goes back in time, tells little girls that they'll meet, and then when they do (and when the girls are legal), Future Henry gets laid. Hm...Future Henry is super creepy. I bet all the sequels are of Henry and his OTHER wives that he set up along the way.
15: Hahahahah, Claire is meeting Henry for the first time when she is little. And now, a scene from the child molestor's handbook:
Henry: Can you just hand me the blanket?
Claire: Maybe I should call my mom.
Henry: No, no, no! DON'T call your mom! Just...hand me the blanket and I'll leave.
Claire: What do you need the blanket for?
Henry: I'm a time traveler. I come from the future. And when I do, I don't get to bring my clothes.
Claire: There's no such thing as time travelers!
Henry: Yes there is. In fact, you and I are friends in the future-- when you're a LADY!
Claire: Am I pretty?
Henry: Yes! Very!
I'll be back in five minutes after I print up some "I'm a time traveler. I come from the future. And when I do, I don't get to bring my clothes," t-shirts at cafepress.
Holy shit, it gets molestier!
Henry: If you hang around long enough, you'll see me disappear.
Claire: But you just got here.
Henry: I'll be back again. LOTS of times. In fact (conspiratorially)...I'll be back next Tuesday, at four. And it'd be great if when you came then, you'd bring me some clothes. Something you're dad won't miss. Nice to meet you (extends hand, they shake, he disappears).
CUT TO: Them post-coital in the future! BOOM! Homeboy works the long con.
20 min: We learn Henry's plight-- he can't change the past. Apparently, he can only hope to get laid in the future. Also, Ron Livingston (Swingers, Office Space) and a couple extra pounds of face weight are here! Nice!
24 min: Henry comes Back From the Future and Ron Livingston (Gomez) finds him boxing some homophobic dude in an alley because Henry's wearing tight denim short shorts and a lacey blouse. They rush off to find Henry some more clothes. But, HERE'S the weird part: Henry puts on the pants he finds ON TOP OF the denim shorts. THEN, he puts a flannel shirt on OVER the blouse! I guess he just likes the support.
25 min: I'm gonna keep laughing every time Henry says, "I've come back to this night from the future. I'm a time traveler." Heheheh
30 min: Henry goes back in time, sees his mom, pretends to be a stranger, and says, "Your son loves you very much." His mom says, "I know," and smiles. What?? The proper response is, "Who are you? How do you know my son? And which closet do you have him chained up in??"
31 min: I don't know when we are, but Henry looks a lot like The Falconer.
34 min: Henry rape-engages Claire. While she's sleeping, he pushes a ring on her finger. I guess when the chick you're dating has waited her entire life for Future You, asking "Will you marry me," is a rhetorical question. When he actually does ask, she replies, "No," and then after a minute says, "I didn't mean that-- I just wanted to assert my free will! Yes, I do!" FUCK. THAT. I'd be like, "Welp, I hope YOU can time travel back to before you thought that was a hilarious prank, because we are DONE! Have a fun life alone, Ashton."
40 min: Wedding scene. Where are Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn?? Present Day Henry disappears and Future Henry shows up to take his place at the alter. "Great Scot! Marty!"
44 min: Henry disappears as he flops onto his wedding bed and shows up back with Little Claire. This means he is now horny and hanging out with his wife as a six year old. That's gotta confuse a dude.
45 min: In an unrelated note, in my head, every time Henry time travels, I like to imagine that Bill and Ted show up and bang his wife. Take THAT Eric Bana.
48 min: Montage of Henry disappearing every time his wife needs him the most. Then:
Henry: Did I miss Christmas?
Claire: And New Year's. You were gone two weeks.
Henry: I couldn't get back. I even tried drinking alcohol to trigger it.
Right. Maybe Henry's not a time traveler, he's just a douchebag. I know some dudes who can "time travel," too. "I didn't miss the dinner party on purpose, babe, I just time traveled! THAT'S WHY I SMELL LIKE ALCOHOL!"
51 min: Henry takes Claire into a store with lots of TV's. Claire: "Henry, you can't be in here, the tv's will set you off!" Um, what? Since when?
52 min: Henry bought a lottery ticket back in time so now they win the five million dollar lottery. "MARTY!!"
54 min: After looking at a bunch of sweet apartments, they buy the only house they visited that looks like The Grudge probably lives there. Moments later, Henry shows up naked in their living room (3rd Eric Bana ass), bleeding from a gunshot wound to the stomach. Present Day Claire and Henry stare at him before he gets dragged to hell and disappears.
56 min: "There's gotta be some drug you can take to stop you from time traveling." Uh, yes. Because time travel is pretty much the same as strep throat. Also, Claire is preggers (Eeeee! Time Fetus!)
58 min: DAAAAAMN! Two minutes later and she lost the baby! I feel pretty bad about it now, but it does lead to Henry saying, "What if the baby's a traveler like me? What if it has the same genetic anomaly? What if it traveled out of the womb?" How do you keep a straight face while delivering (haha) that line?? If this was ANY other movie, NOBODY would be able to take this seriously!
61 min: "Your brain emits a blast of electromagnetic energy akin to an epileptic's right at the moment you travel." LOST STOLE THAT SHIT! FIND YOUR CONSTANT, HENRY!
63 min: Blood under the bedcovers. Second lost baby or healthy monthly letdown? No, no, it's another lost baby. Future Baby sees Present Day Parents on the street. These guys are unwittingly creating an entire army of time traveling Future Babies!
68 min: Eric Bana gets a visectomy. Colin Farrell takes over Most Likely To Raise An Army of Illegitimate Future Children. Claire is pissed.
70 min: Future Henry shows up. Claire says, "It's really good to see you." Future Henry always comes out smelling like roses while present day Henry gets blamed for always disappearing. Present Day Henry might have to kill Future Henry...JUST LIKE STEPHEN HAWKING THEORIZED. Plus, Claire's pregnant again FROM Future Henry who apparently was Past Henry from before the visectory even though we've been led to believe Henry can only travel backwards chronologically. Sort your shit out, Movie.
76 min: Henry travels into the future and sees his daughter who is either named Alba, Elba, or Vulva ("Mulva?"), it's unclear. Henry returns and tells Claire what they name the baby. Time travel seems like a pretty convenient way to get whatever you want. "No, no, I saw this in the future-- you get me a beer while I'm watching the Celtics game." Oh, also, Henry has five years to live from their baby's birth. Yyyikes!
80 min: Future Baby comes back to play with Present Baby. "MAAARTTTTYYYY!!!" Stephen Hawking walks out of the theater. Haha, nah, I'm just kidding-- Stephen Hawking can't walk anywhere.
85 min: Ironically, Eric Bana time travels, gets hypothermia, returns injured, and ends up in a wheelchair.
93 min: Henry knows that it is the night of his death. Really emotional scene between him and Claire. He then travels back in time, gets shot by a Big Buck Hunter, returns to the present, and dies with his whole family around. "Bogus!"
96 min: 4 years later, Henry returns and sees his daughter in a field by their house. His daughter tells the other kids to go run and tell Claire. Claire comes sprinting back to the field and arrives just in time to kiss Henry before he disappears. Touching. Now, I'm no event planner (although I used to be), but logistically, why didn't Henry run home so that he didn't have to wait for the kids to run to the house and for Claire to run BACK to him? Time Traveling Fail. This is why they can't have nice things.
100 minutes: And roll credits. Not the worst movie I've ever seen, considering the fact that the script was originally written to be Black Knight 2. I'm just sorry they missed the opportunity to make it awesome. Here's how: Future Henry keeps coming back and banging Claire and being the good guy, while Present Day Henry, who keeps having to deal with the day to day stuff, ends up getting blamed and resented for everything by Claire. Henry gets furious at this fact, catches Future Henry sleeping with Present Day Claire, lets his jealous rage get the better of him, and kills Future Henry. SO, when Henry showed up on the floor that day when they first owned the house, it would have been Futurer Henry right after he was shot or stabbed by Less Future Henry. When the time came, Present Day Henry would actually have killed himself, turning his life into a horribly tragic mobius loop.
Alright, now let's see some outtakes.
The Time Traveler's Wife Was Originally an Episode of To Catch a Predator,
Witz
BONUS FOOTAGE:
Quote From Time Cop 2:
"Handlebar: [assumes a boxing pose to fight Walker] I went 10 rounds with John L. Sullivan.
Max Walker: [takes him out easily] I saw Tyson beat Spinks on TV."
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