Sometimes you stumble through life confused, baffled, and lost, wondering why you are where you are any given moment of any given day-- and then something reminds you that life is awesome, ironic, and completely random.
Saturday night, My Friend With A Pool and I were riding our bikes home from a late night party on a university campus. As we got to a corner, a drunk guy, dressed entirely in silver and walking with a girl jumped out in the street in front of a pickup truck and put his hand up in a "STOP!" motion. The pickup floored it, and the guy moved out of the way before the truck got to him. My Friend With A Pool and I half-laughed, half-shocked, and watched this unfold:
"Fuck you, dude!" the Silver Man...
"What? Fuck you, n%@er!" Pickup Truck Owner.
"Fuck you, man, what's your problem?" Silver.
"Fuck you, you fucking f@$#ot!" Wildly Intelligent Stanford Party Goer in Truck.
"I'm a f@%$ot?" Silver-- walking towards truck, needing to impress his girl.
"Yeah, motherfucker!" Guy In Truck, proving I feel ok writing "motherfucker" but not other things.
"If I'm a motherfucker, how can I be a f#%ot?" says Silver, losing credibility.
"I'll keeeill you, motherfucker!" says Exemplary Defensive Driver in Pickup.
"Fuck you, dude," Silver, getting back to basics.
And then the kicker, solidifying the genius of the night and ending the argument.
"You're lucky I'm drunk, motherfucker!" The Dirty South announces, and peels forward onto the main street, reminding me why we stopped to gawk and not try crossing in front of him.
Does it honestly get any better than that? An argument in the street, a guy dressed entirely in silver, but still completely incapable of covering up his douchiness, a girl standing by saying nothing, but forcing Silver to act "manly", a drunk bigot in the cab of a pickup doing his best John Cougar Mellancamp impression, another person in the truck so he can't backdown, and me on a bicycle, watching it all, and all I can think is "This is oooooouuuuurrrr cooooounnntry!"
That's a good night.
Here's another thing that's fun. Acrophobia, possibly now known as AcroChallenge, is a game where you can go on and play against other people. There are rounds, they give you letters, and you make up what the letters stand for. Then people vote, you get points or don't, and eventually, there's a winner. Then you go online, type that for people to read, and feel like a big nerd-- ONLY HERE'S THE THING: The people take it reallllly seriously. So if you go on and goof around, and make up amusing acronyms, you'll lose, but you can alienate an entire group of people in under an hour. Fun stuff.
Extended Sports Narratives: Why do sports matter? Why do I care so much about baseball? Because aside from emotional investments and distractions, sports stories are the longest story arcs and narratives on television. A hundred years of history and counting for baseball, sports kick the crap out of Ken Burns and whatever documentary he can throw at us-- and for a real sports fan, you don't need the narratives neatly packed into 9 installments. Sports, and in this case baseball-- have never-ending details, history, emotions, character plots, twists, shocking endings, beginnings, and middles. A no hitter can get thrown in May. A team can comeback from being down 3-1 in a seven game series to win 4-3 as happened last night. Can you imagine a tv show or movie or book where Kenny Lofton, a forty-something who's NEVER won the World Series, being ONE GAME AWAY FROM GETTING THERE AGAIN, and then LOSING?? That's the Cleveland perspective. From the Boston perspective, a team with the slightest of pulses, turned everything around, dramatically came back to beat Cleveland and go to the World Series. From Colorado's perspective, a young team with nothing to lose won 21 of 22 games, has gone undefeated in the playoffs, and is going to the World Series as a fated team for the first time in team history. But it doesn't end there. Each team has 25 or more players with individual stories, personalities, and arcs. For 164+ games. For up to the last hundred years. That's insane. Pain, joy, redemption, defeat, victory, failure, tragedy, cheating, and human brilliance. These things are all in sports. They are all in baseball. The more you learn, the more you watch, the more you read, the more you'll love and appreciate the stories. And it's the best studio audience in the world. That is why sports are important. That is why they can teach us the same lessons as Dostoevsky and Tolstoy. Betrayal is having your former hero hit the winning RBI for the other team in extra innings at home. Redemption is hitting a grand slam in the playoffs after playing terribly all year long. Crime is using steroids, and Punishment is breaking the single season and all-time home run records and having the majority of people not care because they remember that you cheated. It's all there. Starting Wednesday, another chapter in the Story That Doesn't End ("Neverending Story" is trademarked) will unfold in Boston and Colorado-- in baseball, and in sports. And I can't wait.
Andy Rooney Was Never This Inspiring,
Witz
Showing posts with label Boston Red Sox. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Boston Red Sox. Show all posts
Monday, October 22, 2007
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Witz Pickz: Weekend Excursions
I'm back! Where did I go, you ask? Why, on a Weekend Excursion of course! In this case, a few of us drove down to LA to catch the Red Sox ALDS Game 3 against the Angels. The drive was a bit long (which it turns out you find out on the way BACK, not on the way there. Once the excitement of "We're going, we're going" turns into "We went, we're exhausted, we're-- going back to work..." it becomes a bit rough.), but the trip itself was amazing, the Red Sox won and swept the series which was perfect, and we met some good people while we were there. For the record, Angel Stadium is gorgeous, albeit a little Disney-fied, but there are great views of the field all over the place, and the seats aren't outrageously small and packed. Also, if you're a Red Sox fan, watching at Angel Stadium feels like a home game, because Angels fans invented things like Thunder Sticks and Angels Paddles to make up for the fact that there just aren't that many Angels fans who are that hardcore. As one guy said, "Oh yeah, you got paddles? At Fenway we tap the plastic of our empty beer cups and do it the old fashioned way-- you know, clapping..."
On the way back, their was really only one momentous event-- Carl's Jr. I loath Carl's Jr. I don't have any basis for hating C's J so much, but I do. It's like the scummy, asshole cousin of Sonic and it always seems to show up when all I really want is a Sonic, only Sonic doesn't exist in 95% of the areas they advertise (apparently they're stealing Little Caesar's marketing plan). But oh, there's CARL'S JR! With that goddamn star logo, smiling evilly as if to say, "We know we're you're only option! What're ya gonna do-- get gas station food? Nope, we're Carl's Jr. and we are prevalent at desolate rest stops." So we went to Carl's Jr. We went to face our hate head on and find out if we were correct. And ya know what? Like most things, my hate was misplaced. Inside, Carl's Jr. is pretty much like any other fast food joint. The menu is almost entirely like Burger King's and tastes similar. There is one wild difference, and that is the option of Waffle Fries. They bafflingly don't advertise this option, and it was only through chance that any of us were able to acquire them. They also have amazing milkshakes that far surpass BK or McDonald's. And they put whipped cream on top-- which I like, because they are essentially saying, "Look, we know you know our food is bad for you. And we know you know we know our food is bad for you. So here's some whipped cream on top of your milkshake, as a little wink to you that we get it, and we know you get it, and we just all wanna have a good time here, ok?" It turns out my real hate for Carl's Jr. is simply at Sonic for not providing enough coverage. Carl's Jr is simply filling in the void they are leaving, and that's noble. I also have my issues with the name, because I pretty much don't get it. See, the apostrophe is after the Carl (not that this helps any). So it's Carl's Jr. The Jr. belongs to Carl. Nobody calls restaurants Juniors, so that doesn't work. It could be referring to Carl's son, Carl, Jr. but I'm not attending Carl's Son, I'm attending his fast food chain where I can acquire fat and feel shameful about it later. So what's with the apostrophe, Carl's Jr.? The burgers aren't small, they don't offer tiny burgers, and they even offer Thickburgers, which just absurdly bad for you, even though they are low-carb meals (poor marketing). So my only guess is that Carl was impotent and not able to conceive a child and thus made his restaurant his son. Or perhaps he was just too large a man with very evil eyes and never met a special lady to have a child with. Either way, Carl's Jr. was born and exists, and has an evil smile I can only assume is reminiscent of the lonely, but hungry Carl.
Vineyard Visits: Another great weekend excursion is a vineyard visit. There are vineyards all over the place in Calinfornia, the Pacific Northwest, the Northeast, etc. and visiting, it turns out, is a lot of fun. You see, you go and if they have a tasting room, they will generally give you some free samples of their wine. For usually only a few dollars more, you get a bunch more tasted of more of their wines. They are discussed and presented to you by someone who knows waaaaay more about wine than you and lets you know it, in a friendly, but dominating manner. This is an especially good time to hone your acting skills. Because, once they give you the wine, you ACT like you have any freakin' idea what you and the lady are talking about. "It's like smoky, with a thick berry initial offering, and finishes with a smooth plum tart with plenty of tannins."
....
....
"Yes, agreed! It's....like burning wood...with a fruity IPO worth getting in on and then I swallow it and it tastes like....wine-- I mean-- pl-- plums? and then I can't swallow because my tongue and throat are dry..."
....
While I've gotten a little better at figuring out what wine's taste like, I mostly just know if I like them or not. The one thing I keep hearing though and have no idea whatsoever what it means is that there is a "plum taste" or a "plum finish." I don't think anyone has any idea what plums taste like, and I'm pretty sure that saying "plum" is wine talk for "something we can't identify." I can't remember the last time a plum was an option for me to eat, and I can't remember the last time somebody I know ate one. For a while, I at least thought I knew what a plum looked like, but then I realized I was actually picturing the McDonald's character Grimace. But it's nice to try. And for a few dollars you can try plenty of wine, get a light buzz, and figure out a little better what you like in a wine. Then, you can go back to Trader Joe's and pickup some more Two Buck Chuck knowing that it might taste a little worse, but that's called EXPERIENCE, and you're only getting more of it. Here are some things not to ask at a vineyard if you don't want to get evil looks:
--"And which is your cheapest bottle?"
--"What did the wine enthusiast say at the beach? I'm just tannin."
--"Which is your best like, DRINKIN' wine, know what I mean?"
--"I'm not swirling this wine because I have any idea what I'm doing, I'm swirling it because I'm a little buzzed and am trying to break my own personal record of perfect swirls-- of 3."
--To Friend, Too Loudly: "I like that other vineyard's wine way better..."
--"Wines to me are like the opposite of Christopher Columbus's upon discovery of America: I hate the whites and I'm really thankful for all the reds."
--"Which one goes best with Wheat Thins?"
Witz Pickz Is Another Great Weekend Excursion,
Witz
On the way back, their was really only one momentous event-- Carl's Jr. I loath Carl's Jr. I don't have any basis for hating C's J so much, but I do. It's like the scummy, asshole cousin of Sonic and it always seems to show up when all I really want is a Sonic, only Sonic doesn't exist in 95% of the areas they advertise (apparently they're stealing Little Caesar's marketing plan). But oh, there's CARL'S JR! With that goddamn star logo, smiling evilly as if to say, "We know we're you're only option! What're ya gonna do-- get gas station food? Nope, we're Carl's Jr. and we are prevalent at desolate rest stops." So we went to Carl's Jr. We went to face our hate head on and find out if we were correct. And ya know what? Like most things, my hate was misplaced. Inside, Carl's Jr. is pretty much like any other fast food joint. The menu is almost entirely like Burger King's and tastes similar. There is one wild difference, and that is the option of Waffle Fries. They bafflingly don't advertise this option, and it was only through chance that any of us were able to acquire them. They also have amazing milkshakes that far surpass BK or McDonald's. And they put whipped cream on top-- which I like, because they are essentially saying, "Look, we know you know our food is bad for you. And we know you know we know our food is bad for you. So here's some whipped cream on top of your milkshake, as a little wink to you that we get it, and we know you get it, and we just all wanna have a good time here, ok?" It turns out my real hate for Carl's Jr. is simply at Sonic for not providing enough coverage. Carl's Jr is simply filling in the void they are leaving, and that's noble. I also have my issues with the name, because I pretty much don't get it. See, the apostrophe is after the Carl (not that this helps any). So it's Carl's Jr. The Jr. belongs to Carl. Nobody calls restaurants Juniors, so that doesn't work. It could be referring to Carl's son, Carl, Jr. but I'm not attending Carl's Son, I'm attending his fast food chain where I can acquire fat and feel shameful about it later. So what's with the apostrophe, Carl's Jr.? The burgers aren't small, they don't offer tiny burgers, and they even offer Thickburgers, which just absurdly bad for you, even though they are low-carb meals (poor marketing). So my only guess is that Carl was impotent and not able to conceive a child and thus made his restaurant his son. Or perhaps he was just too large a man with very evil eyes and never met a special lady to have a child with. Either way, Carl's Jr. was born and exists, and has an evil smile I can only assume is reminiscent of the lonely, but hungry Carl.
Vineyard Visits: Another great weekend excursion is a vineyard visit. There are vineyards all over the place in Calinfornia, the Pacific Northwest, the Northeast, etc. and visiting, it turns out, is a lot of fun. You see, you go and if they have a tasting room, they will generally give you some free samples of their wine. For usually only a few dollars more, you get a bunch more tasted of more of their wines. They are discussed and presented to you by someone who knows waaaaay more about wine than you and lets you know it, in a friendly, but dominating manner. This is an especially good time to hone your acting skills. Because, once they give you the wine, you ACT like you have any freakin' idea what you and the lady are talking about. "It's like smoky, with a thick berry initial offering, and finishes with a smooth plum tart with plenty of tannins."
....
....
"Yes, agreed! It's....like burning wood...with a fruity IPO worth getting in on and then I swallow it and it tastes like....wine-- I mean-- pl-- plums? and then I can't swallow because my tongue and throat are dry..."
....
While I've gotten a little better at figuring out what wine's taste like, I mostly just know if I like them or not. The one thing I keep hearing though and have no idea whatsoever what it means is that there is a "plum taste" or a "plum finish." I don't think anyone has any idea what plums taste like, and I'm pretty sure that saying "plum" is wine talk for "something we can't identify." I can't remember the last time a plum was an option for me to eat, and I can't remember the last time somebody I know ate one. For a while, I at least thought I knew what a plum looked like, but then I realized I was actually picturing the McDonald's character Grimace. But it's nice to try. And for a few dollars you can try plenty of wine, get a light buzz, and figure out a little better what you like in a wine. Then, you can go back to Trader Joe's and pickup some more Two Buck Chuck knowing that it might taste a little worse, but that's called EXPERIENCE, and you're only getting more of it. Here are some things not to ask at a vineyard if you don't want to get evil looks:
--"And which is your cheapest bottle?"
--"What did the wine enthusiast say at the beach? I'm just tannin."
--"Which is your best like, DRINKIN' wine, know what I mean?"
--"I'm not swirling this wine because I have any idea what I'm doing, I'm swirling it because I'm a little buzzed and am trying to break my own personal record of perfect swirls-- of 3."
--To Friend, Too Loudly: "I like that other vineyard's wine way better..."
--"Wines to me are like the opposite of Christopher Columbus's upon discovery of America: I hate the whites and I'm really thankful for all the reds."
--"Which one goes best with Wheat Thins?"
Witz Pickz Is Another Great Weekend Excursion,
Witz
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Witz Pickz: Midweek Bonanza!
Here are some Pickz and DOESN'T Pickz for your midweekness. Sorry it's late, but I've had a heluva day trying to get cable hooked up to watch baseball and trying to track down some pumpkin ale.
WITZ PICKZ:
Shipyard Pumpkinhead Ale: After searching fruitlessly for pumpkinhead beer in California, I came up having to buy Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale. I can't find out who the larger brewing company is for this seasonal ale, but it does not even remotely stand up to the deliciousness that is Pumpkinhead. They say that stuff tastes better when you work for it, but I went to four different stores to find this Jack's Pumpkin stuff, and it's still not as good. At each place, the people oddly looked at me like I was crazy-- especially at the two liquor stores where they seemed to be giving me, "What do you think this is-- a quality establishment?" smirks. Nobody had heard of pumpkin ale. Finally, after two Safeways and two liquor stores, I found a place that sells pumpkin ale, and it's still pretty mediocre. Pumpkinhead Ale on the other hand, is easily accessible in the northeast, and pretty cheap too. Definitely check it out if you can or if you're in the area in September or October. For those of you in Maine, there is a Pumpkinhead Festival in late October, so check that out.
I'm Reed Fish: I checked this movie out because it was free on Netflix (one of the ones you can watch online and not have to get in the mail-- also a great service with tons of good stuff), and because the lead character from Undeclared is in it (Jay Baruchel). The film is a story about a small town where most people don't leave. Reed Fish is a young local morning show host on the radio as his father used to be. He is engaged to the girl everyone knew he would marry and his one major setback is that his parents died tragically in some kind of accident. Then, a girl returns to town and his world gets turned upside down-- she is one of the people who GOT OUT of the town and went to college. It sounds very very obvious and done before, but there is an interesting twist which makes it worth seeing if you have a lot of free time. I'm not gonna say what it is, but it adds layers and depth to the film and gets you thinking, as well as resolves the plot in a unique way. In addition, the most compelling aspect of the film is that it was written by a guy named Reed Fish, so it makes you wonder what is real and what isn't and how reality and film are related (especially when you see the interesting aspect that I was talking about).
Reggie Willits is WHITE: Angels player Reggie Willits is white. That is amazing, because every single person ever would assume that a guy named Reggie with a last name like Willits who plays a professional sport would NOT be white. And yet, as Brooklyn Matt and I realized, there comes a time in every fantasy baseball owners life when they realize Reggie Willits is white and astounds them. I had this revelation previously and had this revelation AGAIN today, when I saw him in person against the Red Sox. That's one cool white dude-- I sure couldn't get away with being named Reggie.
Natalie Portman Talking About Microfinance: By request, I'm reviewing the Natalie Portman talk I saw yesterday. Natalie Portman, along with a business professor, discussed the FINCA program which opens small banks in foreign countries in need-- typically in small villages with poor women living in a culture of male abuse. The loans range from very small to decently sized and are used to specific tools to enhance business and allow women to be self-supportive and escape their male abusers. It then allows them to hire other women and build on the growth. Most people might have known this, but I'd never heard of it before and it sounds like a great endeavor. As for Natalie Portman, who I feel like has dropped off on the "hotness" and "object of obsession" charts in recent years (while therefore simultaneously raising many men on the "creepy that you only dug Natalie Portman when she was so young" charts), she seemed very well-informed and obviously intelligent (Harvard'll do that to ya). She also seemed very cool and friendly, and made a bunch of asides to the audience which it was clear she felt she was similar to both agewise and interest-wise. She seemed a little calculating, and she wasn't the smoothest public speaker, but she got a lot of people interested and that was her job. At the same time, it was really really odd to be in a room so obviously filled with guys and girls who were there only to see somebody famous. The girls weren't so bad, but seeing and hearing the guys, it was very depressing to know that so many guys were kind of their with the slight thought, "Maybe I could get with Natalie Portman." There was this weird vibe like a lot of people were thinking or talking about little fantasies where after the talk THEY would be the ones to somehow say something clever or catch her eye and bond instantly with her. It creeped me out, but many people did seem honestly interested in the topic, and that was nice. I enjoyed the talk, Natalie Portman seemed cool, and now I can say that I heard Natalie Portman talk and saw her in person-- so that's something. Support FINCA. I would also like to say that this pick was requested by The Critic Wannabe, over on myspace. He makes great film reviews on a much more regular schedule than I do, so check that out!
WITZ DOESN'T PICK:
Tivo Ad Campaign: At what point did Tivo decide that they wanted to run a chauvinistic male dominated ad campaign? It's a little baffling. I keep seeing this one commercial where the guy is sitting there saying, "My Tivo knows what I want-- unlike my girlfriend. It knows I like baseball, so it records everything with the word baseball in it." First of all, ok, you and your girlfriend have some issues. Do you really want to bring those up now? Maybe she knows what you want, but doesn't want to appease you because you act like such an ass in public and tell people your dirty laundry. Secondly, who the hell wants EVERYTHING with "baseball" in the title?? I like baseball too, but that mostly means I want to watch a specific team's games. I don't need to see the Atlanta Braves play just because I get TBS. I don't need the little league world series recorded at the same time as Major League 3: Back to the Minors, at the same time as "Air Bud: Major League Dog" at the same time as "Little Big League." Actually, that sounds kinda sweet, but I wouldn't end up watching ANY OF IT. That's like if your girlfriend said, "I know you like chips, so I bought Doritos, Fritos, Cheetos, Harvest Chips, Ruffles, Baked Lays, Cape Cod Chips, ......" I'd say, "thanks, I do like chips, but HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU JUST SPEND ON CHIPS!?" I don't need all those chips, just get me Doritos and I'll be happy. Just record me Baseball Tonight and we're good. NEXT, the guy goes says something like Tivo knows how to please him, UNLIKE SOMEONE HE KNOWS or whatever. Then the girl comes out ready for sex and he's all, "plus, I can pause it!" So Tivo is sweet up until your no-good- useless-whore-of-a-girlfriend-wants-to-have-sex-that-she's-probably-not-that-into-but-you clearly-abuse-her-emotionally-so-she-thinks-it's-what-she-has-to-do offers sex. Then, forget about it-- Tivo can wait. You have a bad relationship to string along. What a d-bag. I just don't get how Tivo thinks it's a good marketing campaign.
Witz Out...probably until Friday....,
Witz
WITZ PICKZ:
Shipyard Pumpkinhead Ale: After searching fruitlessly for pumpkinhead beer in California, I came up having to buy Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale. I can't find out who the larger brewing company is for this seasonal ale, but it does not even remotely stand up to the deliciousness that is Pumpkinhead. They say that stuff tastes better when you work for it, but I went to four different stores to find this Jack's Pumpkin stuff, and it's still not as good. At each place, the people oddly looked at me like I was crazy-- especially at the two liquor stores where they seemed to be giving me, "What do you think this is-- a quality establishment?" smirks. Nobody had heard of pumpkin ale. Finally, after two Safeways and two liquor stores, I found a place that sells pumpkin ale, and it's still pretty mediocre. Pumpkinhead Ale on the other hand, is easily accessible in the northeast, and pretty cheap too. Definitely check it out if you can or if you're in the area in September or October. For those of you in Maine, there is a Pumpkinhead Festival in late October, so check that out.
I'm Reed Fish: I checked this movie out because it was free on Netflix (one of the ones you can watch online and not have to get in the mail-- also a great service with tons of good stuff), and because the lead character from Undeclared is in it (Jay Baruchel). The film is a story about a small town where most people don't leave. Reed Fish is a young local morning show host on the radio as his father used to be. He is engaged to the girl everyone knew he would marry and his one major setback is that his parents died tragically in some kind of accident. Then, a girl returns to town and his world gets turned upside down-- she is one of the people who GOT OUT of the town and went to college. It sounds very very obvious and done before, but there is an interesting twist which makes it worth seeing if you have a lot of free time. I'm not gonna say what it is, but it adds layers and depth to the film and gets you thinking, as well as resolves the plot in a unique way. In addition, the most compelling aspect of the film is that it was written by a guy named Reed Fish, so it makes you wonder what is real and what isn't and how reality and film are related (especially when you see the interesting aspect that I was talking about).
Reggie Willits is WHITE: Angels player Reggie Willits is white. That is amazing, because every single person ever would assume that a guy named Reggie with a last name like Willits who plays a professional sport would NOT be white. And yet, as Brooklyn Matt and I realized, there comes a time in every fantasy baseball owners life when they realize Reggie Willits is white and astounds them. I had this revelation previously and had this revelation AGAIN today, when I saw him in person against the Red Sox. That's one cool white dude-- I sure couldn't get away with being named Reggie.
Natalie Portman Talking About Microfinance: By request, I'm reviewing the Natalie Portman talk I saw yesterday. Natalie Portman, along with a business professor, discussed the FINCA program which opens small banks in foreign countries in need-- typically in small villages with poor women living in a culture of male abuse. The loans range from very small to decently sized and are used to specific tools to enhance business and allow women to be self-supportive and escape their male abusers. It then allows them to hire other women and build on the growth. Most people might have known this, but I'd never heard of it before and it sounds like a great endeavor. As for Natalie Portman, who I feel like has dropped off on the "hotness" and "object of obsession" charts in recent years (while therefore simultaneously raising many men on the "creepy that you only dug Natalie Portman when she was so young" charts), she seemed very well-informed and obviously intelligent (Harvard'll do that to ya). She also seemed very cool and friendly, and made a bunch of asides to the audience which it was clear she felt she was similar to both agewise and interest-wise. She seemed a little calculating, and she wasn't the smoothest public speaker, but she got a lot of people interested and that was her job. At the same time, it was really really odd to be in a room so obviously filled with guys and girls who were there only to see somebody famous. The girls weren't so bad, but seeing and hearing the guys, it was very depressing to know that so many guys were kind of their with the slight thought, "Maybe I could get with Natalie Portman." There was this weird vibe like a lot of people were thinking or talking about little fantasies where after the talk THEY would be the ones to somehow say something clever or catch her eye and bond instantly with her. It creeped me out, but many people did seem honestly interested in the topic, and that was nice. I enjoyed the talk, Natalie Portman seemed cool, and now I can say that I heard Natalie Portman talk and saw her in person-- so that's something. Support FINCA. I would also like to say that this pick was requested by The Critic Wannabe, over on myspace. He makes great film reviews on a much more regular schedule than I do, so check that out!
WITZ DOESN'T PICK:
Tivo Ad Campaign: At what point did Tivo decide that they wanted to run a chauvinistic male dominated ad campaign? It's a little baffling. I keep seeing this one commercial where the guy is sitting there saying, "My Tivo knows what I want-- unlike my girlfriend. It knows I like baseball, so it records everything with the word baseball in it." First of all, ok, you and your girlfriend have some issues. Do you really want to bring those up now? Maybe she knows what you want, but doesn't want to appease you because you act like such an ass in public and tell people your dirty laundry. Secondly, who the hell wants EVERYTHING with "baseball" in the title?? I like baseball too, but that mostly means I want to watch a specific team's games. I don't need to see the Atlanta Braves play just because I get TBS. I don't need the little league world series recorded at the same time as Major League 3: Back to the Minors, at the same time as "Air Bud: Major League Dog" at the same time as "Little Big League." Actually, that sounds kinda sweet, but I wouldn't end up watching ANY OF IT. That's like if your girlfriend said, "I know you like chips, so I bought Doritos, Fritos, Cheetos, Harvest Chips, Ruffles, Baked Lays, Cape Cod Chips, ......" I'd say, "thanks, I do like chips, but HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU JUST SPEND ON CHIPS!?" I don't need all those chips, just get me Doritos and I'll be happy. Just record me Baseball Tonight and we're good. NEXT, the guy goes says something like Tivo knows how to please him, UNLIKE SOMEONE HE KNOWS or whatever. Then the girl comes out ready for sex and he's all, "plus, I can pause it!" So Tivo is sweet up until your no-good- useless-whore-of-a-girlfriend-wants-to-have-sex-that-she's-probably-not-that-into-but-you clearly-abuse-her-emotionally-so-she-thinks-it's-what-she-has-to-do offers sex. Then, forget about it-- Tivo can wait. You have a bad relationship to string along. What a d-bag. I just don't get how Tivo thinks it's a good marketing campaign.
Witz Out...probably until Friday....,
Witz
Friday, September 21, 2007
Witz Pickz: The Red Sox Winning The Division-- A Red Sox Column
Alright, alright, I know that this isn't a Red Sox blog and that a lot of you probably don't care about baseball or the Red Sox-- and you might even like other MLB teams and hate the Red Sox. And I almost felt bad about writing a Red Sox post today...and then I realized...IT'S MY BLOG. I haven't written a sports or Red Sox post yet on this puppy and today I start because:
Today is most important game of the 2007 Red Sox season. They face the Devil Rays who I don't suspect ever thought they would be included in any important games ever. They are named after an animal that has only one recorded kill ever-- The Crocodile Hunter. High profile, but not particularly threatening. I mean, look at the other teams-- The Yankees...killed thousands upon thousands of southerners in the Civil War, not to mention the American Revolution. The Braves-- while unfortunate, Native Americans probably killed more people than sea creatures of the stingray variety. Even the Blue Jays, Cardinals, and Orioles probably account for more bird-watching related deaths than devil-ray attacks. I know for certain that the Milwaukee Brewer's cause more drunk driving and alcohol related deaths each year. But what about the Red Sox, right? I mean, Sox? I will answer you two-fold. Firstly, the Sox were short for Stockings which also aren't threatening. But do you know how the "cks" became an "x"? When the Red Stockings players formed a makeshift militia and fought crime in the streets of the cities they played in. Their socks ran red with the blood of the damned, and they would mark the victims with an X-- like at Passover. ALSO, the original name for the Red Sox was the Boston Americans. And who has killed more people over the years than Americans? The Germans-- you are correct. But we're supposed tobe giving Germany a break these days, so let's just leave it at "The Americans have killed a lotta people and are more imposing than the Devil Rays." SO, to reiterate, nobody thought the Devil Rays would ever play in an important game ever.
And yet here they are. For those of you not in the know, the Boston Red Sox haven't won a division title in 12 years-- or at least, The New York Yankees have not LOST a division title in 12 years. Every damn year they win it. This season, the Red Sox have been in first place since April. They still hold a 1.5 game lead in the AL East, but the Yankees have started playing like robot baseball gods, and are shockingly (unless you've ever followed baseball, in which case, NOT shockingly), only 1.5 back from the lead. The Red Sox have played some of the worst baseball ever. After a rest yesterday, they play the Tampa Bay Devil Rays after losing 2 out of 3 to the Yanks and getting swept by the Blue Jays (who are you scared of? The Blue Jays? The Devil Rays? Oakland? my Friend With A Pool asked me before the Yankees series. YES. ALL OF THEM. THIS IS THE RED SOX-- and it has been). SO DEAR GOD, LET THE RED SOX GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER AND WIN THE DIVISION.
There's no possible way for you to root against the Red Sox on this-- you can say you don't like the Sox, but in this scenario, your only alternative is the Yankees. If the Sox don't win it, the Yanks will, and that's like saying, "I hate that Winston Churchill so much, everyone thought he was all smart and charismatic, but he was just as power hungry as the rest of em. No, I much prefer Hitler." You can hate whoever you want, but rooting for the Yanks if you aren't a Yankees fan is like saying it's better to eat baby cows because they don't have to suffer more by growing up and getting slaughtered-- shit, I knew that would come back to haunt me.
But look, the Red Sox have Josh Beckett pitching tonight-- he's got 19 wins and has pitched far better than that. Problem is, they are going against Scott Kazmir, who is notorious for owning the Red Sox. Plus, Manny, Kevin Youkilis, and Coco Crisp are injured and Ortiz probably won't start. It's gonna have to be Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek, or The Weak-Kneed-Ill-Designed JD Drew who steps up and makes something happen. My money's on Jacoby Ellsbury-- the best minor league player (non-pitcher) I've seen the Sox have since Nomar. I'm actively trying to get my girlfriend to date him-- that's how much I like him. He's freakin super fast, can hit the ball to both sides, and as a bonus, is the first Navajo Native American to make the Majors. That instills faith in me somehow, though I've been told that is racist, but it's the good kind of racist-- I trust the Navajo-- their culture of spirituality and oppression instills a confidence in me. They are a plains people-- swift-footed and keen of sight. Evolution and cultural accoutrements still count. Plus, I got to say accountrements, and that's pretty sweet.
Despite the hardships, I believe the Red Sox WILL win the division. Up until ten minutes ago, I didn't. I knew they'd lose it. But you know what? Eff it. I'm going for it this time, and I think they can pull it off. I've used the "Lost All Hope" reverse voodoo juju too many times-- starting with "There's no way Jeff Frye is going to get a hit" right before his game winning single in some game way back when, all the way up to "Not a chance in hell Julio Lugo is gonna get a hit. This game is over" comeback a couple of weeks ago. For those who don't know, Julio Lugo is about 4 ft. 2 inches, with a look on his face when batting that says, "What's this guy gonna throw me? He's gonna trick me isn't he? I can't believe it-- he's gonna trick me! What's he gonna throw me!?" And yet he hit a home run in the 4-3 loss the the Jays the other night. Anything is possible, that is why sports are incredible and emotional, and worthwhile. Tonight, the Sox play the Devil Rays in the biggest game (but not the only one left) of the season. GO SOX.
Also, watch Friday Night Lights when it comes back on-- it's a great series if you like sports or teen drama at all and it starts back up October 5th. Apparently it's in danger of getting cancelled soon, so support it.
I feel better,
Witz
P.S. Here are some The Onion links involving baseball or the Yankees, which are amusing and cheered me up dramatically:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/fucking_yankees_reports_nation
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/left_bed_in_clemens
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/report_another_baseball
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/johnny_damon_probably
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/slight_breeze_shatters_ken
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54214
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53979
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/jonathan_papelbons_95_mph
Today is most important game of the 2007 Red Sox season. They face the Devil Rays who I don't suspect ever thought they would be included in any important games ever. They are named after an animal that has only one recorded kill ever-- The Crocodile Hunter. High profile, but not particularly threatening. I mean, look at the other teams-- The Yankees...killed thousands upon thousands of southerners in the Civil War, not to mention the American Revolution. The Braves-- while unfortunate, Native Americans probably killed more people than sea creatures of the stingray variety. Even the Blue Jays, Cardinals, and Orioles probably account for more bird-watching related deaths than devil-ray attacks. I know for certain that the Milwaukee Brewer's cause more drunk driving and alcohol related deaths each year. But what about the Red Sox, right? I mean, Sox? I will answer you two-fold. Firstly, the Sox were short for Stockings which also aren't threatening. But do you know how the "cks" became an "x"? When the Red Stockings players formed a makeshift militia and fought crime in the streets of the cities they played in. Their socks ran red with the blood of the damned, and they would mark the victims with an X-- like at Passover. ALSO, the original name for the Red Sox was the Boston Americans. And who has killed more people over the years than Americans? The Germans-- you are correct. But we're supposed tobe giving Germany a break these days, so let's just leave it at "The Americans have killed a lotta people and are more imposing than the Devil Rays." SO, to reiterate, nobody thought the Devil Rays would ever play in an important game ever.
And yet here they are. For those of you not in the know, the Boston Red Sox haven't won a division title in 12 years-- or at least, The New York Yankees have not LOST a division title in 12 years. Every damn year they win it. This season, the Red Sox have been in first place since April. They still hold a 1.5 game lead in the AL East, but the Yankees have started playing like robot baseball gods, and are shockingly (unless you've ever followed baseball, in which case, NOT shockingly), only 1.5 back from the lead. The Red Sox have played some of the worst baseball ever. After a rest yesterday, they play the Tampa Bay Devil Rays after losing 2 out of 3 to the Yanks and getting swept by the Blue Jays (who are you scared of? The Blue Jays? The Devil Rays? Oakland? my Friend With A Pool asked me before the Yankees series. YES. ALL OF THEM. THIS IS THE RED SOX-- and it has been). SO DEAR GOD, LET THE RED SOX GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER AND WIN THE DIVISION.
There's no possible way for you to root against the Red Sox on this-- you can say you don't like the Sox, but in this scenario, your only alternative is the Yankees. If the Sox don't win it, the Yanks will, and that's like saying, "I hate that Winston Churchill so much, everyone thought he was all smart and charismatic, but he was just as power hungry as the rest of em. No, I much prefer Hitler." You can hate whoever you want, but rooting for the Yanks if you aren't a Yankees fan is like saying it's better to eat baby cows because they don't have to suffer more by growing up and getting slaughtered-- shit, I knew that would come back to haunt me.
But look, the Red Sox have Josh Beckett pitching tonight-- he's got 19 wins and has pitched far better than that. Problem is, they are going against Scott Kazmir, who is notorious for owning the Red Sox. Plus, Manny, Kevin Youkilis, and Coco Crisp are injured and Ortiz probably won't start. It's gonna have to be Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek, or The Weak-Kneed-Ill-Designed JD Drew who steps up and makes something happen. My money's on Jacoby Ellsbury-- the best minor league player (non-pitcher) I've seen the Sox have since Nomar. I'm actively trying to get my girlfriend to date him-- that's how much I like him. He's freakin super fast, can hit the ball to both sides, and as a bonus, is the first Navajo Native American to make the Majors. That instills faith in me somehow, though I've been told that is racist, but it's the good kind of racist-- I trust the Navajo-- their culture of spirituality and oppression instills a confidence in me. They are a plains people-- swift-footed and keen of sight. Evolution and cultural accoutrements still count. Plus, I got to say accountrements, and that's pretty sweet.
Despite the hardships, I believe the Red Sox WILL win the division. Up until ten minutes ago, I didn't. I knew they'd lose it. But you know what? Eff it. I'm going for it this time, and I think they can pull it off. I've used the "Lost All Hope" reverse voodoo juju too many times-- starting with "There's no way Jeff Frye is going to get a hit" right before his game winning single in some game way back when, all the way up to "Not a chance in hell Julio Lugo is gonna get a hit. This game is over" comeback a couple of weeks ago. For those who don't know, Julio Lugo is about 4 ft. 2 inches, with a look on his face when batting that says, "What's this guy gonna throw me? He's gonna trick me isn't he? I can't believe it-- he's gonna trick me! What's he gonna throw me!?" And yet he hit a home run in the 4-3 loss the the Jays the other night. Anything is possible, that is why sports are incredible and emotional, and worthwhile. Tonight, the Sox play the Devil Rays in the biggest game (but not the only one left) of the season. GO SOX.
Also, watch Friday Night Lights when it comes back on-- it's a great series if you like sports or teen drama at all and it starts back up October 5th. Apparently it's in danger of getting cancelled soon, so support it.
I feel better,
Witz
P.S. Here are some The Onion links involving baseball or the Yankees, which are amusing and cheered me up dramatically:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/fucking_yankees_reports_nation
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/left_bed_in_clemens
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/report_another_baseball
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/johnny_damon_probably
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/slight_breeze_shatters_ken
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54214
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53979
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/jonathan_papelbons_95_mph
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