Friday, September 21, 2007

Witz Pickz: The Red Sox Winning The Division-- A Red Sox Column

Alright, alright, I know that this isn't a Red Sox blog and that a lot of you probably don't care about baseball or the Red Sox-- and you might even like other MLB teams and hate the Red Sox. And I almost felt bad about writing a Red Sox post today...and then I realized...IT'S MY BLOG. I haven't written a sports or Red Sox post yet on this puppy and today I start because:

Today is most important game of the 2007 Red Sox season. They face the Devil Rays who I don't suspect ever thought they would be included in any important games ever. They are named after an animal that has only one recorded kill ever-- The Crocodile Hunter. High profile, but not particularly threatening. I mean, look at the other teams-- The Yankees...killed thousands upon thousands of southerners in the Civil War, not to mention the American Revolution. The Braves-- while unfortunate, Native Americans probably killed more people than sea creatures of the stingray variety. Even the Blue Jays, Cardinals, and Orioles probably account for more bird-watching related deaths than devil-ray attacks. I know for certain that the Milwaukee Brewer's cause more drunk driving and alcohol related deaths each year. But what about the Red Sox, right? I mean, Sox? I will answer you two-fold. Firstly, the Sox were short for Stockings which also aren't threatening. But do you know how the "cks" became an "x"? When the Red Stockings players formed a makeshift militia and fought crime in the streets of the cities they played in. Their socks ran red with the blood of the damned, and they would mark the victims with an X-- like at Passover. ALSO, the original name for the Red Sox was the Boston Americans. And who has killed more people over the years than Americans? The Germans-- you are correct. But we're supposed tobe giving Germany a break these days, so let's just leave it at "The Americans have killed a lotta people and are more imposing than the Devil Rays." SO, to reiterate, nobody thought the Devil Rays would ever play in an important game ever.

And yet here they are. For those of you not in the know, the Boston Red Sox haven't won a division title in 12 years-- or at least, The New York Yankees have not LOST a division title in 12 years. Every damn year they win it. This season, the Red Sox have been in first place since April. They still hold a 1.5 game lead in the AL East, but the Yankees have started playing like robot baseball gods, and are shockingly (unless you've ever followed baseball, in which case, NOT shockingly), only 1.5 back from the lead. The Red Sox have played some of the worst baseball ever. After a rest yesterday, they play the Tampa Bay Devil Rays after losing 2 out of 3 to the Yanks and getting swept by the Blue Jays (who are you scared of? The Blue Jays? The Devil Rays? Oakland? my Friend With A Pool asked me before the Yankees series. YES. ALL OF THEM. THIS IS THE RED SOX-- and it has been). SO DEAR GOD, LET THE RED SOX GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER AND WIN THE DIVISION.

There's no possible way for you to root against the Red Sox on this-- you can say you don't like the Sox, but in this scenario, your only alternative is the Yankees. If the Sox don't win it, the Yanks will, and that's like saying, "I hate that Winston Churchill so much, everyone thought he was all smart and charismatic, but he was just as power hungry as the rest of em. No, I much prefer Hitler." You can hate whoever you want, but rooting for the Yanks if you aren't a Yankees fan is like saying it's better to eat baby cows because they don't have to suffer more by growing up and getting slaughtered-- shit, I knew that would come back to haunt me.

But look, the Red Sox have Josh Beckett pitching tonight-- he's got 19 wins and has pitched far better than that. Problem is, they are going against Scott Kazmir, who is notorious for owning the Red Sox. Plus, Manny, Kevin Youkilis, and Coco Crisp are injured and Ortiz probably won't start. It's gonna have to be Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek, or The Weak-Kneed-Ill-Designed JD Drew who steps up and makes something happen. My money's on Jacoby Ellsbury-- the best minor league player (non-pitcher) I've seen the Sox have since Nomar. I'm actively trying to get my girlfriend to date him-- that's how much I like him. He's freakin super fast, can hit the ball to both sides, and as a bonus, is the first Navajo Native American to make the Majors. That instills faith in me somehow, though I've been told that is racist, but it's the good kind of racist-- I trust the Navajo-- their culture of spirituality and oppression instills a confidence in me. They are a plains people-- swift-footed and keen of sight. Evolution and cultural accoutrements still count. Plus, I got to say accountrements, and that's pretty sweet.

Despite the hardships, I believe the Red Sox WILL win the division. Up until ten minutes ago, I didn't. I knew they'd lose it. But you know what? Eff it. I'm going for it this time, and I think they can pull it off. I've used the "Lost All Hope" reverse voodoo juju too many times-- starting with "There's no way Jeff Frye is going to get a hit" right before his game winning single in some game way back when, all the way up to "Not a chance in hell Julio Lugo is gonna get a hit. This game is over" comeback a couple of weeks ago. For those who don't know, Julio Lugo is about 4 ft. 2 inches, with a look on his face when batting that says, "What's this guy gonna throw me? He's gonna trick me isn't he? I can't believe it-- he's gonna trick me! What's he gonna throw me!?" And yet he hit a home run in the 4-3 loss the the Jays the other night. Anything is possible, that is why sports are incredible and emotional, and worthwhile. Tonight, the Sox play the Devil Rays in the biggest game (but not the only one left) of the season. GO SOX.

Also, watch Friday Night Lights when it comes back on-- it's a great series if you like sports or teen drama at all and it starts back up October 5th. Apparently it's in danger of getting cancelled soon, so support it.

I feel better,

P.S. Here are some The Onion links involving baseball or the Yankees, which are amusing and cheered me up dramatically:


Nick said...

the red sox have like a 99.9% chance of making the playoffs, it's already all but determined who the four AL teams are going to be.

that being said, the postseason is what matters. yes, there's something to be said for momentum going in, but i won't be heartbroken if we end up going in as the wild card but with a rested bullpen, cleanup hitter, and first baseman.

they have nine games left and frankly i think they should win them all, and i'd love to see them edge out the yanks for the division, but both teams are going to make it in anyway. also, both the indians and angels have a better record than us right now, so i'd rather keep my eye on them for homefield advantage (also the best team in the league gets an extra day off in their division series).

as frustrating as these games are, i really hope that francona has had his sights set on the postseason, and that that has at least something to do with it.

WitzPickz said...

For the record-- I totally agree, but damn do I want that division. Plus, we need to start getting some momentum.