Witz Pickz: Ultimate Television Lineup!

I wrote one of these a few years back when Witz Pickz was a column in a student newspaper. How far I've come-- now Witz Pickz is an online blog read by...well fewer people probably. That's kind of a downer. But I respect you all so much more. So here's the glorious TV Lineup Post-- just far enough into the seasons that I can tell what's good, but not so far that you can't go back and watch the first episodes online.


SUNDAY:
9pm: Dexter (SHO) -- There can't possibly be a better way to kickoff the week than with Dexter. One of the most brilliantly conceived (by Jeff Lindsay in his books) and executed series on television, Dexter has finally started to blow up all over the place. I won't tell you what it's about if you don't already know, because finding out is half the fun. Since nobody gets Showtime, check this out on iTunes, or download it. SO GOOD.

9pm: Family Guy (FOX) -- ...is still hilarious. You know what it is. Watch it.

10pm: Curb your Enthusiasm (HBO) -- Has put up a terrific season thus far. Unlike some of the seasons which wavered and had some annoying episodes (where everyone blames Larry for things that nobody in real life would blame someone for), this season has been packed with laughs and some great new characters.

MONDAY:
8pm: How I Met Your Mother (CBS) -- There's not much on Monday nights, but if you have to watch something at eight, you might as well watch How I Met Your Mother, which was amusing the few times I saw it and I wholeheartedly support Jason Segul (Slackers, Undeclared, Knocked Up).

9pm: Heroes (NBC) -- The second season has more twists, more characters, and more of the same X-Men ripoff that Season One had. PLUS, Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars) got signed on, so that's great.

10pm: Weeds (SHO) -- Topping off Mondays is the show nobody watches live. I still don't know more than one or two people with Showtime, but hey, that's why downloading and iTunes exists. Pickup the newest episodes of Weeds on Tuesdays. It's gotten better with time, and this season really is more interesting and amusing than ever.

TUESDAY:

9pm: House (FOX) -- Hugh Laurie is still solving Medical Mysteries the way Sherlock Holmes solved Regular Mysteries. I love it. I went back and watched Season 3 on DVD and it was great. The 3 fellowship people are gone in Season Four and he has to get a whole new group to help him out. It's a credit to the show and to the viewers that they feel ok doing this. The new group is promising and Hugh Laurie is still brilliantly acting. I swear the show used to be called House MD, but I guess they dropped the MD in the way bands drop the (A) or (The) before their name or people drop last names.

WEDNESDAY:

8pm: Pushing Daisies (ABC) -- This show might take a grain of salt to get into, but it's entirely worth it for the dialogue. The show is narrated and shot like a fairy tale, with a hint of Amelie, but with a whole lot of attitude and wit. Quips abound, amusing narrative devices and interactions, and fast paced witty writing keep the show interesting, even if some of the happier moments are a bit cheesy and overdone. The writers are well aware of this issue, however, as they always have a cynical character present for any moment that is too "fairy tale ending." Also, the show has the "I don't have a pen..." guy from Heatvision and Jack. AWESOME (but you probably don't know what that is).

9pm: Kitchen Nightmares (FOX) -- Going along the angry British people theme, Fox made an American version of the Gordon Ramsey show still airing on BBC. Starring Gordon Ramsey the brilliant, passionate, and extremely angry chef from Hell's Kitchen, the show has run down abominations of restaurants use Gordon as a consultant to get the place back in working condition. Along the way, Ramsey screams, swears, and insults his way to success. It gets redundant after a few episodes, but your other options are Private Practice, possibly the worst spin off show in years, and Josh Schwartz's new project, Gossip Girl, which is like The OC, but without any wit, quirk, or good soundtrack. (Note: A lot of you are probably wondering, "But wait, doesn't that mean he's SEEN Gossip Girl??" to which I reply, I'd do anything for you readers, even sit through an episode or two of a bad show on The CW brutalizing the talents of Kristen Bell).

10pm: Dirty Sexy Money (ABC) -- Losing steam as it goes on, DSM to fans (or bloggers who don't want to write it out all the time) is just a decently solid show with some good cinematography and interesting characters. It's purposefully a bit over the top, but with Peter Krauss and Donald Sutherland holding down the cast, along with some good young actors and the chick from The OC (Anna) and Entourage (Ari's first assistant who dates Eric), it's pretty good acting too. And for my disgruntled fans of a previous DSM post, The Baldwin Brother does the job well.

THURSDAY:

8pm: Survivor China (CBS) -- I'm not just writing this because I blog about it on tvfodder.com....seriously....I'm not...

8:30pm: 30 Rock (NBC) -- Funnier and funnier. Tracy Morgan found his role. Alec Baldwin found his role. NBC better keep it going another season or two.

9pm: The Office (NBC) -- I'm wondering how long The Office can keep it up. Eventually, it's going to get bad and how many seasons can it seriously last? Each week they put up solid comedy and they managed to get Pam and Jim together without jumping the shark. Oh-- you didn't know about that? Get over it, it's just a comedy, the plot's not important. Unfortunately, NBC has plans for a spinoff show, which I can't imagine not being terrible. It would be a spinoff of a show that was an American version of a BBC program. Don't do it (unless they want to use my show about telemarketers as the spinoff-- which would be perfect incidentally...-- then it'd be ok)

FRIDAY:

9pm: (NBC) Friday Night Lights -- They basically gave up the goods in the first season since they didn't know if they'd be back, but keep FNL alive by at least TiVo-ing it. Please? Go Panthers.

SATURDAY:

There's no good tv on Saturdays. Don't even bother.

LEFT OUT:

Entourage -- Not currently airing new episodes, but obviously great
Flight of the Conchords -- Hit and miss, but not airing new episodes either
Grey's Anatomy -- Seriously, it's not a good show. You know it. I know it. We watch it. Fine.
Moonlight -- Vampire detective with Shannon Sossymon and Logan from Veronica Mars in it? Worth a shot. (FRI @ 9 on CBS)

I will repost this with links and such later today. Maybe a few more jokes, who knows? It's a living organism, this internets.

I'm Gonna Make A Show Called Crack And Have It Be About A Drug Dealer Who Sells Crack While Bending Over A Lot With Low Cut Jeans, And People Will Be Like, "Yo, It's So Funny When You Watch It While On Crack!",
Witz

Witz Pickz: Danny Ainge and Snakes On A Plane (THE FINAL WORD)

Sorry for the delay between posts, but due to a comment on this blog, I was forced to take the last week and a half and consider whether or not I am, in fact, similar to Andy Rooney. As one reader to go nameless suggested, in my Andy Rooney post, I pulled an Andy Rooney. First of all, I have my fingers crossed that after typing HIS name three times, he will not appear in my living room and start ruining my life. Fingers still crossed, I will say that in response to said comment, another friend/reader told me, "Andy Rooney is like 'Witz DOESN'T Pick' EVERY SINGLE WEEK." This was meant to be uplifting. And so I was forced to ponder the intricacies between me and The Name We Dare Not Speak (can I use that still or did Harry Potter cop it?). Obviously, I had to turn to Google Analytics for answers. As it turns out, Andy Rooney is held aloft by the other 56 of the 60 minutes. Real stories of interest support him like those little arm and leg buoys children are forced to wear into pools. Andy Rooney is essentially a big baby, meaning if the buoys come off, Andy Rooney drowns a horrible pool death while numerous onlookers do nothing-- he is an ugly ugly baby. Witz Pickz on the other hand is supported by nothing-- there is no reason for anyone to be here unless they want to (unless they searched for "lever 2000" or "pussey" as confirmed by Google Analytics). Statistics show that of the people who come to this blog, only 5% come once, while over 60% have now been here between 200+ times. That's called brand loyalty. My readers are loyal, and once I have you hooked, you'll keep coming back for more. I respect that, and I thank you for it. It also places me ahead of Andy Rooney on the Scale of Life. Let's take a look at that scale now, shall we?

SCALE OF LIFE:

1) George Clooney
2) Will Smith
3) Oprah Winfrey
4) Tom Brokaw
5) Martha Stewart
....
....
....
2,304,001) Jared Leto
....
....
4,304,059,673) Andy Milonakis
....
....
5,708,345,345) LonelyGirl15
5,708,345,346) Witz Pickz
5,708,345,347) Andy Rooney
....
....
....
....
6,350,302,023) Small Child making shoes in Pakistan


HEY! I'm doin' alright! with Andy Rooney in my rear-view, I have my sights on LonelyGirl15 and it's only a matter of time. Look out Andy Milanakis-- although it's entirely unclear how you got to where you are, Aziz Ansari (www.azizisbored.com) is fast on your ass with his crappy MTV show Human Giant and in no time, you and Andy Rooney will have interactions far more hilarious than either one of you alone. Actually-- wow, that's a great concept for a sitcom: "Living With Andy," the show where Andy Rooney is forced to take care of his grandson Andy Milonakis after the child's father, Andy Richter, skips town to go live his dream as a Sea World dolphin trainer. Think of all the hilarious possibilities. (I, Witz, am hereby claiming and stating this idea, 8/8/07 at 2:11 PST, and if anything remotely similar appears in the next few months, I will sue the shit out of whoever it is and then promptly shoot myself in the face.)

Anyway, I guess I have to pick some stuff, so here's a couple that I'll try and make funny for you!

Danny Ainge: As far as I can tell (I'm not big into knowledge of the NBA), Danny Ainge is the GM of the Boston Celtics, a team which although stationed in Boston, has never been able to grab my interest. I prefer watching college basketball and March Madness where guys who aren't 7'2 make tremendous plays that will stay in the minds of their teammates and college fans forever-- where anybody can be a hero. This probably appeals to me because I'm 5'10, can't dunk, have about a 3'' vertical, and other than the occasional three pointer, am mostly known for my "hustle" on the court. On the upside, I can hit free throws, which is apparently exceedingly difficult (although nobody is waving shit behind the hoop while I take them). Anyway, in a matter of months, I have become a huge Celtics fan and am ridiculously excited for the coming NBA season. It might be easy to say that I'm a fairweather fan or a bandwagon fan, and while that might be true, here's why I'm so excited. 1) Ray Allen-- Ray Allen is my favorite college basketball player of all time. I loved him on UConn, I got excited to see him as a Sonic, and now am overjoyed to see him on the Celtics. He might be past his prime, but he's ridiculously clutch and so much fun to watch. PLUS, he was in He Got Game. Jesus has arrived in Boston. 2) Kevin Garnett-- I really don't know much about KG other than the little I've seen of him. In this case though, I do know that he's really really good and I'm excited to have an All-Star on the squad. 3) Paul Pierce-- Didn't leave town somehow to get these other players. He's got that nice guy thing going to and is great on the court. 4) Reggie Miller-- There are currently rumors that Reggie Miller, my favorite basketball player of all time will come out of retirement at 43 to play for the Celtics. He wouldn't play much, but just seeing him there and hearing his name would make me pay for whatever stupid cable channel broadcasts NBA games. Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Reggie Miller, and Kevin Garnett. Danny Ainge has already made 3 of them happen, and might just get Reggie too. Thank you for giving me a reason to waste more of my life on professional sports. Even if the refs cheat, they'll probably be cheating FOR the Celtics, since they've been terrible the last X number of years (where X = my complete lack of NBA knowledge). For more on these happenings and another amusing way of looking at the acquisitions, go to THIS BLOG! (esp if you like Seinfeld, sports, or the Yankees)

Snakes On A Plane: THE FINAL OPINION! After many mentions and variances, I can finally lay down a solid opinion of SOaP. I watched it last weekend on a big screen TV with two friends and some 7&7's, and IT WAS FANTASTIC. It was overdone, with appropriate cameos/casting, and treated itself like a movie, but not one without it's own sense of humor. When a snake goes in the microwave (and I don't know if you could see this in real time on the big screen), he pushes the button marked "Snake" for how long it should cook. Brilliant. In addition, EVERY TIME one of us made some comment as to what someone should do or why wouldn't they just-- the movie answered us. "Why wouldn't they just open the--" "We're going to shoot out the windows." Oh. "How come some people are dying immediately and other are--" "There are all kinds of different snakes on the plane, some will kill you in minutes, others in hours." Oh. Well played movie. My only problem with the movie was that the actor who plays Tim Riggins in Friday Night Lights was the first to die when he could have been absolutely awesome for much much longer. There's one part where the male flight attendant is having a conversation in the aisle and you can see Riggins over his shoulder reacting to what he sees and it's hysterical. (FNL on NBC this Fall, check it out.) Having said all this positive stuff, and now having you probably say, "Well, of course, Witz, you were an idiot for not seeing it in theaters" let me say to you, "NO! I WAS NOT!" There is no chance I would have enjoyed this movie as much in theaters. Part of why it worked was because I was able to make fun of it and we were all able to say things and jokes and bets about what would happen out loud and not simply chear and laugh and jump when they wanted us to. The experience was 1/2 experiential and 1/2 participatory, and that's what made it so fun to watch. So Witz Pickz Snakes On a Plane On DVD.**

Family Guy: In case you didn't know, Family Guy is hilarious. I already knew this, but I haven't watched it in so long, and then watched a couple of episodes while flying cross country on my ipod rigged up to a reserve battery pack with video that had to be converted using a downloaded jodix converter...APPLE IS SO EASY! Anyway, it's extremely awkward laughing until you cry on an airplane 3 inches from the well dressed business-person next to you. Especially when you're laughing at awkward racial jokes that you're not sure if they heard through your Opposite-of-Noise-Cancelling ipod headphones.

"Once you go black, you go deaf",
Witz



**The one time in Snakes on a Plane that I was perturbed was when the two people were having sex in the bathroom and then got attacked by snakes, prompting the flight attendants to hear moans and assume they were having sex while they were really getting killed. The same type of thing happens in A Vampire In Brooklyn, which is not a good movie for two eleven year olds to watch, even though Eddie Murphy is in it. Parents, do your homework. Anyway, Eddie Murphy is sleeping with a girl and then proceeds to kill her and horribly maul her. Her roommates think they're just having sex. I don't know what it is, whether it is the gap between the two or the shear horror of thinking about a situation where people COULD save someone, but instead assume something completely opposite is going on leading to someone's death, or if it is something else, but for some reason, that scenario really REALLY bothers me and always stays with me afterwards. That's just food for thought and also maybe you should lay down some ground rules with people you know about some words, phrases, or scream pitches that you can use should that situation ever occur to you. For me, I'll scream, "LAUGHING COW CHEESE!!!" because there is never another situation, ever, in this world, when I would want to say laughing cow cheese.