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Thursday, August 10, 2006

Witz Pickz: 7-Up, 7+7, and 21-Up

Here comes the pickz faster than you can say, "Why haven't I made a lesbian reference to that game Number Munchers I used to play as a child?"

7-Up:
THE DRINK: In their battle against Sierra Mist, 7-Up is now made with "all-natural ingredients." I have no idea what this means, particularly thanks to their webpage which reads, "the famously crisp, refreshing taste of 7-Up is now better than ever, because it's been stripped of the artificial stuff found in most other softdrinks." OOOoooooOOO SCIENTIFIC! This is great for two reasons: first, it makes that Mitch Hedberg joke about 7-Up being made with lemons and limes a little more strength, and secondly, because I checked the ingredients listed on the can and they are as follows, "filtered carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, NATURAL citric acid, NATURAL FLAVORS, NATURAL potassium citrate." What a difference a word makes! Those vague Natural Flavors will surely overpower that high fructose corn syrup and make me a healthy human being. Incidentally, after drinking one recently, my stomach still felt like it was being eaten by aliens.

THE GAME: How sweet was 7-Up the game? "HEADS DOWN, THUMBS UP!" and I'll be damned if I didn't do it. Ooo, the soft touch of flesh on flesh. To be chosen, with one pressure ridden smooshing of your thumb. Who picked you? Was it your best friend? Was it that girl you like? Or was it some nobody who picked you because you probably don't remember his name? But wait-- why is your friend laughing-- why is that girl laughing? Pick wisely! Get this right and you'll be free to saunter cockily over to the girl of your choosing, her eyes blind to you, only her thumb extended hopefully towards your eyes, and you can lay down some serious game.

7+7:
I knew 7-Up was losing the hipster battle when at a recent wedding I was told, "we don't do Seven and Sevens anymore (7-up and seagram's seven whiskey), we do Sierra Sevens." While I've been wary of Sierra named products ever since I bought "Hero's Quest" back in 1990 and was unable to defeat the brigands at the pass, the drink was good and I was converted-- but now with the new ALL NATURAL 7-UP I'M BACK ON THE 7+7 WAGON!..which is a lot like being off the regular wagon....

Sidenote: I'm also a big fan of the numbers 14(good solid number), 77 (Ray Bourque's number), and the rapper 7L (and Esoteric).

21-Up:
And all around I was playing you for chumps. 7-Up, 7+7, and 21-up (along with 28, 35, 42, and most recently 49-Up) are all a series of amazing British Documentaries. They follow a group of children every seven years starting at age seven and going up to most recently, forty-nine. It appears that life works exactly as you'd expect it to-- when your little everything's great and kids are cute and the world is ready for whatever crazy little british thing you might say (such as, "Well, I wouldn't want to get married, because what if she says you hafta eat what she makes you, and she makes greens, but you don't like greens-- and I don't-- I don't like greens-- but you have to eat 'em anyways? (prolonged staring at camera)). As you get older, however, you become less cute, more awkward/depressed/failurful until finally you've become entirely mediocre and assimilated. I'm only up to 28-Up, but the more I watch, the more I want to kill myself...luckily, I think a few of them might kill themselves for me, so I'll have to keep watching to find out.

What Have YOU Picked Today?
-WITZ-

2 comments:

Lindy Boustedt said...

Man, I miss the 7-up game! Can we play it now? I used to be pretty good since I found ways to cheat and peek at people's shoes as they walked by.

IrishGal said...

Hero's Quest kicked ass, but I was much more a King's Quest fan myself.