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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Witz Pickz: BBQ Dead Pigeon Burgers

This post is in reference to a comment from Witz Pickz: Dead Pigeons by wonderyak reading,

"The question becomes: is God trying to tell you something =more=? Namely: BBQs rock...and here's some meat. What are the chances? You want a BBQ. God kills those that stand in your way. But what if, just WHAT IF, the pigeons weren't preventing the BBQ - what if they ARE the BBQ. Do you know anyone who's ever tried to BBQ a pigeon? I sure don't. Maybe this is God's way of saying, "Don't call my gray, winged beauties rats with wings! Don't say they're desease-ridden (fuckin' wive's tale, I tell you)...don't knock 'em till you've tried 'em". God is speaking to you, Witz. You are his servant, his missionary. It is up to you to set us on the path to righteousness...with righteous flame-broiled pigeon. I fully expect a Witz Pickz Pigeon Burgers (Bleu Cheese Pigeon Burger? Anyone?) by the end of the weekend.

Well avid reader, I have decided to give in to your demands, thereby setting precedence for all future Blog Terrorists.

While I have not tried BBQ Pigeon Burgers, I hereby pick them from eye-witness results. Let's just say that right around the time the pigeons began dying, a certain Asian in the apartment below me began BBQ-ing on his balcony. Now obviously i'm not saying that Asians eat Pigeons-- of course not, that would be crazy-- i'm simply saying that THIS asian eats pigeons! I'm also not arguing which came first-- clearly it's a chicken and egg scenario: did the pigeons die and then the neighbor BBQ'd them or did the neighbor kill the pigeons in order to BBQ them. Either way, the pigeons are now dead and gone and my rooftop deck is clean and pigeon free.

Another point has been raised by Witz Pickz Fan Club Co-President. Agreed, perhaps God is killing these pigeons as an offering. But are they an offering to me? Hmm? You think? That seems quite outrageous, seeing as how I still don't really like tomatos or oysters. I wasn't up to eating rabbit so there's very little reason to think God would expect me to eat pigeons. Plus, how presumptuous of us! I am but one man on this earth in this apartment building who has done very little besides win multiple MVP Baseball world series on xbox and master the "no time for a shower, but dear god look at my head" hair wash in the morning. No, I think if God was involved, it was for someone else, someone who already owns a grill and might have achieved a little more on the universal benevolence scale. There's also the chance that the kid is straight up NUTS. Like INSANE. Like "eat a pigeon, shiv your roommate" CRAZY. But isn't God a little insane? With his omnipotence? His cosmic craftsmanship? The Manatee? And aren't pigeons a little nuts? With their, "I'm gonna fly" attitude and their shitting while in motion carelessness? Have you shat while on the move? If you have, you might be insane. You might be my downstairs neighbor. And you might eat BBQ Pigeon Burgers-- which I pick.

I'm Thinkin Arby's,
Witz

2 comments:

IrishGal said...

So I called the Seattle Animal Shelter today to have a stray cat picked up from our office. Interestingly enough, one of the automated menu options was "If you have a question about West Nile virus or have found a dead bird, particularly a crow, please call the Seattle/King County Health Department..." Maybe you should get your neighbor on that before he fires up the Weber again.

Thomas P. Dineen said...

I have to say,I have a new task for myself this weekend,I must experiance this shat on the move phenomenom. Thank you kind blogger for pointing out this very interesting new thought. Now, to wile away the rest of my work day figuring out the mechanics.