Witz DOESN'T Pick: Inaccurate TV Ad Campaigns and Taglines

Some ad campaigns/movie trailers have taglines that are perfect-- they're witty, funny, or just dead on and make their product sell. Swingers: Get A Nightlife. Gatorade: Is It In You? But some marketing just doesn't make any sense, and it's time someone told them that. Here are a few that have been driving me crazy.

I was watching tv, minding my own business and then I hear this-- "There's only one thing to do when you live across the street from a Monster House!" the following scenes alluding to "go inside the Monster House." Well, no, movie, that's not true. First, you are presupposing that there are Monster Houses, and that people live ACROSS THE STREET FROM THEM. Then, you're telling me that once put in this position, the only option I have is to enter the house to snoop it out? Sorry, but I'm just not gonna do it. I do have other options. When you live across the street from a Monster House, you can choose to continue doing whatever you'd ordinarily be doing, and the Monster House will go on existing just fine without me in it. If I wish to take action, I can create a petition and get neighbors to sign, stating their discontent with the Monster House situation. I could buy numerous long range weapons and test out their effectiveness against said Monster House until I find one that can do harm to it. What the film Monster House doesn't seem to understand, is that I have all the time in the world. It's the Monster House that's bored and immobile. I would go so far as to argue that "when you live across the street from a Monster House" there are innumerable things I can do, the very last of which being to actually place myself in the maw of the beast. Now I can see some exceptions-- The Monster House might have HDTV with NFL Gameday Package or a really comfortable couch. Maybe the fridge is stocked with Sunny D and includes a mom that will clean my grass stained clothes with a smile on her face-- in any of these cases I'll take my chances and enter the Monster House, but not because I HAVE TO-- because I CHOOSE to. So sorry, Monster House, but your clever mindgames won't work on me. Besides, you didn't even try and ask me to go SEE Monster House, you simply are setting me up for my own terror ridden adventure by having me seek out and enter ANY Monster House. And if nothing else, that's just plain rude.

Another joy in all our lives is the Hummer H2. Luckily, while Hummer: Like Nothing Else, is an amusing tagline given the puns, their new slogan, "I'm not saying, I'm just saying" doesn't make ANY FUCKING SENSE. I'm really stumped. Honestly. I'm not saying I think the campaign sucks, I'm just saying I have no idea why anyone needs a goddamn Hummer to cruise around on paved, traffic light ridden streets. I'm not saying the commercials are bullshit, I'm just saying that they either lack creativity or have so much creativity that they operate on a level mostly reserved for mathematical equations and binary code. I'm not saying that I change the channel every time these commercials come on, I'm just saying that I can't think of any other way to finish this sentence. Oh-- and I'm not saying that you're using completely incorrect punctuation and sentence fragments, I'm just saying that your slogan has nothing to do with your product and you dont' present us with a single relevant idea.

That's it. I'm all worked up. I'm outta here.

-Witz-