Witz Pickz: A Whole Slew of Things!

It's been a bit, as work suddenly became work-like and I've been investing some time in the previous Sabbatical videos as well as the upcoming "Couples Therapy" internet series. So without further procrastination here are a bunch of pickz/doesn't pickz!

Witz Pickz:
The Word "Slew" -- Kicking it off it the word "slew" which I enjoy thoroughly it turns out! I didn't know this up until I just used it in my title, but I'll be damned if it isn't a fun word. The definition I utilized means "a large quantity" but can also mean "killed" which allows the silly sounding genocidal sentence, "He slew a slew of Slavics!" The word seems to roll off the tongue in a satisfying way and also reminds me of an amusing man with a speak impediment i.e. "I slew it in the garbage," "Slew! He's finally gone!" and "Those goddamn slews! (gee, I wonder why that guy's a bigot-- SPEECH IMPEDIMENT!) Don't worry, I got a whole slew of picks.

Rubber-bands -- These fuckers are off the hook! Stretch em, shoot em, wrap em, flex em...they might just take your eye out! They'll hold shit together, but enough is enough and when you push them too far-- they're gonna snap and sting you right on your motherfucking wrist you shithead! OUCH! Use them to shoot paper wads, hold your envelopes, or cause tremendous pain to the backs of others' necks! BIZOING! RUBBER-BANDS!

"Ads By Google" -- I love the "ads by google" feature which appear on this and many other blogs. I love them because they utilize the content of the site to produce relevant ads which almost always results in amusement. For example: the current ads for goodle ad appearing while I write this is "Crack Cocaine Rehab" due to my previous post on Crack vs. Heroin. These means two things: First, Ads By Google chose Crack and second, ads by google thinks there's more profit in crack rehab ads than say, oh, I dunno, CINNAMON OR BAKING??? COUPLES THERAPY???

Witz Doesn't Pick:

"Ads By Google" -- ON GMAIL -- How come gmail can target me with ads based on the content of my emails in my inbox? That seems a) illegal and b) insane. I tell my friend that the Red Sox are sucking and all of a sudden gmail wants to sell me batting gloves-- thanks for the moral boost gmail, but I don't think I'll make the squad-- or is that some kind of automated sarcasm as if to say, "Oh, they're so bad, why don't you try and do better you BBQ-ing, soccer-playing, google chatting at work migraine recipient!" And that's another thing-- Google knows that I had a BBQ but also that I didn't invite Gmail to it. What if gmail gets jealous and starts deleting things that I apparently have no need to ever delete what with my unholy amount of gmail account space? Will I come back to my account one day to find all my emails filed under a new "Asshole's Emails" tag? If I type, "war bad" am I going to end up on a list in DC and getting a Go Army DVD in the mail? I don't like it.

Roboraptor -- Do I honestly even need to explain this one? Let's see, I have fought vehemently (with words) against all things robot so that the human race is not destroyed in about 30 years, but to no avail. Now I walk into a Best Buy and see the RoboRaptor-- a fucking 4 ft. long robotic raptor ready to kill. Holy fuck people, not only did we not take away a moral from movies like Terminator, I, Robot, and RoboCop, we also apparently didn't quite get Jurassic Park! Ya see, in Jurassic Park, there are dinosaurs that FUCKING KILL ALL THE PEOPLE!!! THE RAPTORS ARE THE SCARIEST ONES! "What should we sell to the kids? Oh I know, how about robotic raptors...kids love robots...and dinosaurs...and those movies in which the two kill ALL OF US." FUCKING MATEL. If I die by a RoboRaptor I am going to be ripshit. One morning I'll wake up, yawn, start calling to my Robo Dog who won't answer me with it's hollow lifeless electronic bark. Then I'll look over the side of my bed and see it dead on the floor. "But!" I'll start to say, and that's when it'll happen-- from the sides, not the front where you'd expect (clever girl). Two RoboRaptors will pounce on me and rip my flesh from my bones while I'm still alive and all I'll be able to think is, "Man, The Lost World sucked."

Refrigerator TV -- Welp, I saw it-- goddamn tv in the goddamn refrigerator. That's handy. Goddamn thing was in the goddamn door, flatscreen, better picture than my big one at home. And honestly, fine-- if that's what we've come to, than fire away, jam one in there, I don't care. But here's my problem: THE TV WAS ON THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR-- EVERYTIME someone opens the door, the tv goes away. Why not put it on the freezer door? nobody opens the freezer more than twice a meal (ice and waffles). The Fridge has everything! Dips, cheese, veggies, sauces, drinks...how you gonna watch your Deal or No Deal with all those interruptions? Or maybe you have another tv built into your oven...or your microwave...or your kitchen table! That would be great, just stare down at your food and your little tv right beside it. Get that ish in HD and you have the best Prison Break viewing experience ever. Goddamn tv in the refrigerator. My heavens.

X-Men: Revolutions DVD -- Here's my problem with the DVD coming out for X-Men: Revolutions: THEY BOAST 3 ALTERNATE ENDINGS! Now, I liked the movie, not as much as the other two, but enough to want to see it again and not feel bad about paying to see it once. But I have to question the director's vision when a dvd has 3 readily available endings. It's not like there was a huge trick they had to hide from everyone-- "In this one they battle on the Susan B. Anthony Bridge!" Was there an ending which Bryan Singer directs? That I'd pay money to see. Brett "Rat's ass" Ratner probably filmed another ending with Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan and thought, "I just think this will work" before Hugh Jackman refused to come out of his trailer if he didn't change his mind. Here's a sidenote: I stayed through the credits to see the added ending scene in the theater and it was worth it-- but a lot of people waited for like 10 minutes and then LEFT before the credits ended...who waits past "Key Grip Stand-In" and then DOESN'T wait all the way until the hidden scene which EVERYONE knew about?

So, those are some things I pick and don't pick for this week-- more pickz on the horizon though as I try all new toothpaste, coin combinations, and Trader Joe's Wheat Wafers (marketed as tasting like Triscuits, but actually tasting like wheaty filth)!

GO COMMANDO,

Witz