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Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Witz Pickz: Channukah Time

Sorry for the last couple days of no pickz. It's been a rough couple of days with job stuff, but I'm back in the saddle bringin' some truths. Tonight is the first night of (C)hannukah according to my Dad and The Wikipedia. The two rarely agree on things, and it seems a bit early for it to be time to light the Menorah, but I'll take it at face value and assume that we're moving the holiday up this year to either cash in on the post-Thanksgiving turkey sales or pre-empt a little Christmas spirit and programming.

Here's one thing I need to say-- despite what spokesmen such as Adam Sandler or John Stewart might say, we are not all jealous of Christmas's ecoutrements. YES, Christmas is freakin' sweet and easily trumps eight days of awkward candle staring, BUT I for one, am not jealous of Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or the movie Elf. There is an assumption made by non-Jews that simply because there are Christmas songs, Jews with there were Channukah songs. Not the case. Christmas songs are enjoyable once or twice, but the constant onslaught in the supermarket, bookstores, clothing stores, the mall, can drive a person insane. I don't need a Channukah Song, I don't need, "Eight Lights a Glowing" or Torah! Torah! Torah! or "The Littlest Menorah" or "Oops, We Lit It Again" and I certainly don't need movies like Eight Crazy Nights to get me in the holiday spirit. Because there's no need to get in the holiday spirit. Oil lasted longer than it ought to have-- we light candles and think about it, do you know how much prep that takes? About three seconds with a match. (In my household there should be a spinoff holiday where we celebrate the fact that, "We stared at those candles, faking contemplation waaay longer than we thought we were able to!") Channukah is a mellow holiday-- chill back, chant some prayers, be happy, share some gifts, and spin a dreidel for some M&M's. That's all it is. And it can be great, and festive and fantastic, but we don't need Hallmark songs to accompany it.

Despite how it might have just sounded, I like Channukah. I like the attitude of it, the one gift per night and that's that stylings. I like the way that it's easy to switch into holiday mode and out of holiday mode in order to light the candles, be with friends, and go on with life. There's no gigantic buildup, no huge release. It improves life for a week and makes us take the time to contemplate the past, even if we don't do so with rigid attentiveness. I like that it's active (candle lighting) even without having to go to church, in the same way decorating and lighting a Christmas tree is. It feels personal without being forced or melodramatic and while I am happy that I was brought up in a mixed household where I also experienced the extreme awesomeness of Christmas (because I do believe that every child wants to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Morning), I am glad that I had Channukah. Long after the presents stopped coming, I am able to enjoy the holiday, and I don't need Adam Sandler or Jon Lovitz for that. Still, here's a Hannukah song I wrote, set to the tune of Twelve Days Of Christmas.

"On the first night of Hannukah my family gave to me...
One sock!
On the second night of Hannukah my family gave to me...
Another sock!
On the third night of Hannukah my family gave to me...
The rest of the package of socks!
On the fourth night of Hannukah-- I went to my friend's house...
And my parents weren't particularly bothered by it!
On the fifth night of Hannukah, my family gave to me...
The same book they gave my sister on night two...awkward...
On the sixth night of Hannukah we all forgot to light the lights...
Shit, dammit, Witz Sr. what kind of Jew are you anyway, Jesus Christ....
On the seventh night of Hannukah we kind of went through the motions...
Partially because of the night six thing, but also because we had other things going on!
On the eighth night of Hannukah, my family gave to me...
Something that I actually liked!
Going through the motions,
Shit, we forgot Hannukah,
Why couldn't we have just shared,
I played games at Zak's house,
socks still in the package,
a sock to go with the other
AND A SOCK! (big finale)"


Happy Channukah,
Witz

P.S. "Tribe" hummus is also good, but entirely unrelated and I am happy about Hebrew Beer.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Look, someone has been spreading a terrible rumors that James, aka "Lead Pipe," has a secret process where he farts in a mason jar, and freezes them, until his farts become a yellow liquid methane. Then he mixes the liquid with his special recipe for pink margaratas and drinks it with his male companions after a good sweat at the steam bath in the local men's gym.

Anonymous said...

"a terrible rumors?" Learn to speak english, immigrant.

Daniel said...

Puh-lease. Scientifically, James' claimed prowess with liquified farts is nearly impossible. Condensing methane in a regular freezer? I find it far more likely that he farts into zip lock bags and releases them like water balloons against his enemies.

Whoever posted that message needs a serious lesson in physics.

Anonymous said...

Some people have asked for clarification of James' moniker, "Lead Pipe." Well, there's no mystery, he bought it at Home Depot. But he is especially deft at using it to clean out the sensitive areas of the "septic system"