Witz Pickz: Holiday Gifts (Part 3 in the Series)

Now that we're covered on avoiding reality and diving deep into a fantasy world where you can hide comfortably while playing Madden '08 or Ratchet & Clank, here's a way to get back out into the world. Give someone a trip.

Trips can be very tricky, but when pulled off, people usually are extremely happy and can't believe you went to all the trouble to plan it for them. Plus, it's kind of like you're dictating their life and if you weren't able to buy to latest expansion pack for The Sims, this is the next best thing. The obvious problems are timing and interest. So first, get interest. Most of the time, trips involve doing things, like going to a sports game or a concert or a wine tasting retreat. So instead of deciding that everybody clearly wants to go somewhere with beautiful beaches (incidentally, I DO want to go somewhere with beautiful beaches AND warm water-- I have never been in naturally warm ocean water before and I'm told I'm missing out. And seriously, when Maine and CT were you two prime swimming places, with Myrtle Beach and Cocoa Beach being the only other two, we're not talking 90 degrees here, we're talking like...60....) pick something you know they like, buy them tickets to a relevant event, and build the trip around that. A lot of the time that will decide the timing as well, which is always helpful and usually can revolve around a weekend as opposed to a weeklong excursion with plane flights and missed work ("I wouldn't say I'm MISSING it, Bob").

Checkout what's playing in theaters, any big concerts in big cities or intimate concerts in smaller towns. Is there a comedian showing somewhere or might the person just like to go see some comedy? How do they feel about professional wrestling? UFC? Pride Fighting? Maybe you can score some tickets to their favorite tv show-- not that those are being filmed right now, but maybe you can get Deal or No Deal tickets or The Daily Show tickets once they cross the picket line, and I guarentee you can get tickets for Late Late Show With Carson Daly, which is still on the air and which there can't be a very long line for. Avoid Vegas-- forcing someone to go on a trip to Vegas is a recipe for disaster. Vegas needs to be done on their terms, when they are ready to lose a lot of money. And don't invite yourself along. Regardless of what you choose, tickets always make the trip make more sense.

Now for timing. As I said, weekends are perfect and baseball games, concerts, etc. all make sense in that respect. A lot of the time, buying tickets and a hotel room constitutes a trip, and you don't need to pay for airfare or gas. It's good to get an idea though as to when might work or not work for the giftee. Here are some questions I like to ask:

Question: "If I were to have a party in four months, would you be free?"

Answer: Generally, people will say you're crazy and they have no idea-- that means you're in the clear. Nobody will think something's up.

Question: "I heard (name of band) is touring-- we should see if they're coming to town and how much tickets are..."

Answer: You have to say this VERY lackadaisically so that there is no chance they actually will make a move to check and see. Maybe after or during watching a long movie-- Pirates of the Carribean 3 comes to mind for new releases. Hopefully, they are not coming to your town, but NEARBY so that you can send them TO the show, and with better seats than they would have expected.

Question: (while drunk) "Let's fucking go to Australia! (gage reaction) I mean London! (gage reaction) I mean Paris! (gage reaction-- this next one is key) I mean (name of city kind of close to where you live or where southwest has good deals)! (gage reaction) Whattya think?

Answer: (Regardless of their current state of being) "You're just drunk, man!" Jackpot.


Easy, right? Here are some final tips and your whole trip package gift will be a breeze. If you are indigent or if the people have a nicer apartment/house, don't ask to house-sit for the person/people leaving until a week later OR phrase it as (and as part of the gift, my girlfriend and I will housesit for you). Don't buy plane tickets going anywhere near or involving Chicago. Nothing ruins trips more than horrible flight delays. A "Night Out" works almost as well as a trip. Just buy tickets to something and a bottle of wine and that's that.

So there ya go, that was easily the most informative "how to" bullshitting I've done on the site, and I hope you all prosper from it. I'll conclude with a list of my interests and locales I'd enjoy:

Boston Red Sox
Wine Vineyards
Sleeping
Warm Water
Paris
London
Ireland
Australia
Seattle
Chicago
Warm Music in Intimate Spaces
Good Food (but not weird food)
Soccer
Hockey
Patriots/Giants/Seahawks
Snowboarding
Gambling
Cats

Just Click On My Ads A Little, K?,
Witz