Thursday, April 17, 2008

Witz DOESN'T Pick: April Fool's Day

I didn't want to write this on April 1st because you might have thought I was kidding. Now get ready, because this might be the most conservative rant I ever go on.

I cannot believe that we still have April Fool's Day in our country. When we're at war or in conflicts around the world, when we are working 40 hour work weeks, when inflation, the economy, gas prices, scandal, and fraud are rampant. When children are getting stress disorders from trying to get the best grades and go to the best college to get the best jobs. When the media covers Ashlee Simpson's dog more than they cover actual news. When Presidential candidates and made and destroyed by mass media. We STILL have April Fool's Day. Does that make any sense to anyone?

And it wouldn't be a big deal if it was just like, goofy little things here and there. Only I can't really think of a single decent April Fool's joke that isn't stressful or potentially harmful to someone. Maybe it's the fact that I don't think the average person knows what the date is every morning when they wake up. I certainly don't. Fake headlines, fake policies, fake search results, they might be funny if I was like, "April Fool's Day, April Fool's Day, April Fool's Day." But I'm not. I'm like, "What the fuck??? THEY CAN'T DO THAT! THIS ISN'T WHAT I SEARCHED FOR!" until finally somebody mentions that it's April Fool's Day (and not just April 1st, which I still might not catch) and it all makes sense, until I realize that the headlines still aren't jokes.

For as long as I can remember, teachers would pull the fake test gag on 4/1. Come into class, and without a doubt you'd get the, "Ok, everybody ready for the test?" or, "Please turn in your papers," or, "Did everyone like the book last night?" WTF?? Do we really need to put our already overstressed, and sometimes underachieving students through that? I have had heartburn almost 24/7 for the last few weeks (except when I took Prilosec OTC). I know that most of that has to do with watching the Red Sox, losing close soccer games I played in, worrying about having a job, healthcare, housing, etc. BUT some of it has to come from a series of "Oh shit" moments like that. Because sometimes I DID forget the paper, or the reading, or the test, or the book in my locker, or my shoes for soccer practice, or that there was an assembly I needed to dress up for, or that I was supposed to pick someone up that morning or drive home that night. I've forgotten to buy the milk when I went to the store to buy the milk. So nobody needs ANOTHER "Oh Shit" moment courtesy of their teachers on April Fool's Day.

The example that got me this year was google. On the gmail home page, there was a fake feature that said you could now date your emails whatever you wanted. So if you forgot a birthday, you could send an email that said it was sent two days ago, before you forgot. Not remembering that it was 4/1, and not even thinking that GMAIL would try and TRICK ME, I went through a whole little rant in my head about how bullshit that was and how awful our culture is, blah blah blah, until someone said that it was a joke (thankfully before I said anything out loud and looked like a real asshole. That's what they should call it. April Make People Look Like Real Assholes Day). And I know it wasn't a big deal, but we live in a time when people write letters to company's about really insignificant stuff. People get worked up about effective and useful systems or policies. Do we need a day that provides more fodder?

"Dave, you got that big legal report ready, right?"
"WHAT? OH GOD! Am I fired and my family doomed to poverty??"
"Nope, April Fool's!"
"holy crap."

"Lisa, nice tits!"
"April Fool's! What an idiot!"
"That's still sexual harassment..."

"Susan, remove the right kidney,"
"I thought it was the left..."
"No, it's the right."
"It is?"
"Nope! April Fool's!"
"I think the patient just bled out."

"The New York Times Reports that America is entering a massive recession and gas prices will continue to rise, global warming will continue to heat the oceans, and the Democratic Party will devour itself allowing McCain to be elected President and appoint judges who will overturn Roe v. Wade!"

...................(like on the Sopranos finale),

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