Monday, April 28, 2008

Witz Pickz: SVU (Well, I don't PICK "SVU," It's a Referenceto the--...Dammit)

Some people move into their parents' house when they're done with high school. Others are caged in their parents' basement for twenty-four years and forced to birth seven children for their Dad. Different strokes and whatnot.

If you haven't heard, this shocking article at the BBC News website reports that an Austrian man, who is both 72 years old and possibly Donald Sutherland, caged his 18 year old daughter in the basement, where he kept her for twenty-four years, forcing her to birth seven of his children THAT HE ALSO KEPT IN THE BASEMENT along the way. The children now range in age from five to nineteen. His wife, "appears to be unaware of the alleged crimes."

Where to start, where to start, where to WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE? Let's go beyond the "how could anyone ever possibly do that," aspect because yeah, but apparently these things happen. In fact, this isn't even the first time it's happened to an Austrian. A few years ago, another child was kept in the basement for, like, eight years, or something. This makes me wonder if that's the only reason so many musicians emerged out of Austria. Were Mahler, Mozart, Strauss, Wagner, etc. all just making music so people couldn't hear the children they had in the basement??

"Wolfgang, what's that sound coming from your home? It sounds frightened."
"Yes, zat is ze flute. Is good, yeah?"

That's the first and last composer joke I'm ever gonna crack, so don't worry about that. I'm also going to skip any and all jokes that Carlos Mencia (something racial about living at home), Adam Corolla (something about the daughter being hot or not), and Average Joe Comedian on Letterman ("I mean, I've heard of living at home, but COME ON!") would make, and move straight to: StuffWhitePeopleLike -- Familial....sorry I can't even do it. I'm not that bad a person.

So let's just move straight to the part where the wife says she had no idea these things were happening. That in HER BASEMENT there was her daughter who disappeared and 7 children that were born. Also, a few of the kids were given up for adoption. These are acceptable statements to make about not knowing something is in your basement:

"Oh, I didn't know we had more ice cream down here in the freezer..."
"Oh, I bet my ice skates are down there..."
"Oh, I didn't know we had Coca Cola cans from 1984 in the house..."

NOT, "Oh, I didn't know my daughter and her children/siblings were downstairs..."

THERE IS NO WAY she didn't know this was going on. I mean, every time she went to get a bottle of wine, or check the furnace, or store some boxes, her husband jumped out of nowhere and went, "That's ok, I'll do it!"? No way. And even if she didn't know from that, what about the abundance of food that had to have gone missing? I notice when one of my yogurt's is missing from the fridge (which doesn't usually mean someone took it, it usually means it got lost behind other food I don't touch until it's way past gross). If all the food in my house disappeared and my spouse didn't suddenly gain 400 lbs, I know there's family in the basement. He must have been the best green tea, metabolism spokesman. Josef Fritzl is the Jared Fogle for the Creepy & Insane.

Now let's say that the wife managed to miss all of these signs-- I think it's fair to assume that Josef is probably a little controlling. What about when THE BABIES STARTED COMING OUT OF THE BASEMENT FOR ADOPTION!? You can't just, "K-Mart had a sale," those away without raising some eyebrows. She had to have known. Not that I'm saying she's in any way horrible like he is, I'm just saying that I don't quite buy it.

Anyway, this is just one more argument in favor of an International Spring Cleaning Day. A simple day off from work to clean the entire home would have taken care of all this business early on.

I'm Gonna Go Throw Up Now,

1 comment:

the critic wannabe said...

I didn't know if anyone could make this story funny without being obvious or offensive, but "Bravo" Witz, you've done just that. And I wouldn't be against any more composer jokes, either.