Witz DOESN"T Pick: Door Holding Awkwardness, Car Quippers, and Strange Boxers

Door Holding Awkwardness:
I think we've all been there-- you open a door, and someone is behind you, only not RIGHT behind you, they're within range to make you hold the door, but far enough away that it's not necessarily expected. And every damn time, this leads to one of three scenarios.

Scenario A: You hold the door cordially. The other person looks ahead, sees that you've held the door, and begins doing the "hustle up" so they don't make YOU wait. They don't break into a full on RUN, because they're not THAT worried about it, but there's a definitely speed up of the arms and legs, even if neither one makes them move any faster than they would if they were walking. All this does is make the person holding the door feel more awkward inevitably leading to the, "You don't have to rush," line which is not even remotely true. I say rush. I'm not holding the door because I hate lying down and watching television in my apartment. I'm doing it to be nice, and now because of that, we both feel awkward. That is why when people hold the door for me, I want to start phasing the rush out of my life. I'm gonna smile politely and then just saunter over while the other person continues to hold the door for me. Then, if I'm feeling classy (read: like a jackass) I'll actually reach out and hold the door so THEY can go inside first-- like I'M the one who held the door for THEM. Money. This scenario is made even more awkward if you end up both stopping to get mail afterwards. You clearly have used up all conversation and politeness with the first encounter, so the mail encounter is gonna go over like the gay guy in boot camp. Not to mention the elevator ride might be next, at which point you better have gotten some mail to look over way too intently, or else you're gonna have to either suck it up for the Silent Ride or start a conversation about mail, which is not much better:

YOU: (looking at fliers) Looks like we'll all be seeing each other at Jack-in-the-Box, huh?
THEM: Pardon?
YOU: You know, since we all got the coupons...
THEM: I don't eat fast food...
YOU: Well, I would have said Chevy's, but I thought that was too regional a joke...
THEM: It's like Mexican Chili's...
YOU: Even though Chili's is kind of like Mexican Chili's...
THEM: I think it's "southwest" themed...
YOU: That explains why the tacos are so gross and confusing...
THEM: You're really stickin' it to Chili's during this 30 second elevator encounter.
YOU: They don't give you enough fries...
THEM: Fatty...
YOU: What was that?
THEM: I said, "Have a good night!" (exit elevator)
YOU: (to yourself) I shoulda just opened my Netflix...

Scenario B:
You don't hold the door. Fuck them.

Scenario C:
This is most awkward and the one that happened to me this morning. You go to hold the door for someone as you enter a building, like at work in the morning for example. The person is a ways behind, but it seems appropriate at first. After committing to the hold, however, you realize that they are way too far behind and aren't even noticing (or are pretending not to notice) so that they can do the hurry up. In addition, the door hold timing didn't account for the lack of the hurry up, so suddenly you are off balance and careening dangerously into the building and away from the door. Your only option is to let go of the door and go ahead into the building. Unfortunately, by that point, the person has gotten very close to the door, but not quite close enough to catch it when you let go and helplessly watch it shut. The whole scenario plays out like this:

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand-- fuck you."

You can try and re-open the door, but by that point you'll hit them, plus, this is the point to make the call on an awkward conversation trip up the stairs or run for freedom, so you might as well keep the momentum going and never look back.

Car Quippers:
Who are these people that feel the need to write "Wash Me" on other people's cars? Never in my entire life have I felt that urge. What comes over these people that they see a dirty windshield on a car and feel like they have to use their finger to tell the person that they should wash the car. THEY KNOW. TRUST ME. When they check their mirror and can't see out the back, they know that it's dirty. You don't have to tell them. And why do these people have such a personal investment in the cleanliness of other people's cars anyway?? It seems a bit messed up. What kind of overachiever do you have to be to go out of your way to be obnoxious to someone. Is there some dark secret in their past? Did their parents die in a horrible dirty car related accident? Do they write off the action as a deductible during tax time? It makes me want to write on their impeccable cars in dirt, and say, "Thank you for the heads up on my car. Unfortunately, I haven't had time to clean it recently, as I have been driving through dirt and forests, gathering up all the animals that have been left homeless by the recent forest fires and providing them with shelter, care, and food. I appreciate the head's up, though."

Strange Boxers:
If I seem off (or particularly on) today, you can chalk it up to my boxers. I bought a few packs of what I thought to be normal boxers at Kohl's not to long ago and have just now started wearing them-- leading a very baffling discovery. Instead of having whatever the normal seam is in the back, one of the sets has, like, a double seam, parachute harness style deal going, that is not only massively uncomfortable, but entirely unnecessary. I would literally have to to fit one VERY SPECIFIC body type for these to fit appropriately. The other set has one seam...but it's OFF-CENTER. I always sort of assumed that children in a sweatshop in Korea were making my clothes, but up until now I assumed that they were actually good at it! The front barn door and the back seam are not on the same axis, so no matter which one you align centrally, the other makes life very uncomfortable. It's a classic choose your poison scenario, and it's not the kind of scenario I'd wish on anybody. The few times I've worn them, I end up walking like I was just shot in the leg and kicked in the crotch. My hips must swivel, to complete the painted picture. If they aren't irregular, then I don't know who they would fit. Maybe there's a lot I don't know about the physical anatomy of Korean sweatshop children. Maybe it's time to stop shopping at Kohl's.

Sweatshops Are Like Saunas That Pay YOU,
Witz