Friday, August 15, 2008

Witz DOESN'T Pick: E'erbody In the Club Goin' Broke

If you don't want to go to a club on a Wednesday, don't leave your credit card there on a Saturday. That's the lesson I learned this week.

There were two things on my mind when I ran out of the Element Lounge on Saturday night-- a bathroom and a taxi. Unable to have access to the former, I was contented to easily acquire the latter, leaving both thoughts of my credit card, and the credit card, itself, in the bar. It was only when I got home that I realized what I'd done.

You can tell that I don't go to clubs too often because my inital thought was, "Oh well, I'll get it tomorrow." Turns out that SUNDAYS aren't prime business hours for clubs. Same goes for Mondays and Tuesdays. So it was Wednesday night at 9pm that I rolled back up to the Element Lounge, this time in a "walk of shame" hoodie instead of a "big night" collared shirt. It the sober midweek hours of the night, I took in a little more of the surroundings-- Adult Video Store next door, a bus stop loaded with sketchy travellers, and lots of homeless people. One of which started talking to me as I approached.

HOMELESS MAN: Yo, man, what's up?
ME: Nothin."
HOMELESS MAN: Spare a buck?
ME: Sorry.
HOMELESS MAN: Yo man, you want a sensual ma-ssage??
ME: From you?
HOMELESS MAN: No, son, I ain't givin' you no ma-ssage! Right there man! (he points to a shady sign I hadn't seen before right above what's looks like an alley leading to steps. The word "Massage" is lit up by expiring bulbs.)
ME: Ohhh, no, I'm good man, thanks.
HOMELESS MAN: Aight, aight-- you lemme know.
ME: I'll do that.
HOMELESS MAN: (just remembering something) Hey! Can you spare a buck?
ME: Sorry man, I don't have any cash-- I'm going here just to get my credit card back!
HOMELESS MAN: (totally understanding) Ohhh- aight aight, you a good guy, aight.

So there ya go. Endorsed.

After waiting outside the locked doors for 15 minutes, and after knocking on the windows to see if anyone would answer (cause I'm sure they don't get that a lot...), I called them until someone picked up (which I figured out meant I had to press 1 for VIP Reservations and not 4 for Left Credit Cards). It turned out that their event was cancelled so I was shit out of luck until last night. So I went back, and...

HOMELESS MAN: Yo, man, spare a buck?
ME: Sorry man, I, uh, actually am here to get my credit card that I left on Saturday (I like having the homeless feel informed of my actions)...

That exchange and explanation worked like a snap on Wednesday. As it turns out, this homeless guy was a bit more lucid than one would think, and that excuse doesn't go over two nights in a row.

HOMELESS MAN: Oh, aight, aigh-- wait! Man, you said that shit already! That's cold. (he waves his hand at me and walks away, shaming me. As I watched him walk away, the thought crept into my head that it's the second time I was shamed by a homeless guy in the last two weeks-- which can't be step in the right direction.)

This time the door is open and I'm able to walk right inside and up to the bar. "Hi, I need to, uh, sign for my bill from Saturday..." I say slightly embarassed to the same bartender who served me all Saturday night. My embarrassment quickly dissipated into horror as I stared at the bill-- 75 dollars.

" this the 'Asshole never closed out his tab' bill or is this ACTUALLY how much I spent?"
"Haha, nope, it's how much you spent."
"Ah-- no wonder I forgot my card..."

Before everyone assumes I'm a raging alcoholic, let me make some excuses. First-- drinks are probably pretty expensive. Second-- I bought a few drinks for other people. Third-- I'm white and Jewish-- dancing in public for me is like track and field for Stephen Hawking. But most importantly is the fourth excuse-- The bartender. This girl was the peppiest, happiest bartender I've ever been served by. She was the Safeway Veronica of the club world. She was a friendly asian girl who would put on a semi-serious face to take your order, and then when you ordered, she would suddenly react as if it was the best decision in the world, spin around like she was wearing roller skates, and move as if she was dancing while she mixed your drink. It only got more mesmerizing as the night went on.

This time, instead of spinning around and getting me a drink, she spun around and handed me a pen. Signing away more money than I've spent on groceries in the last few weeks, I realized how horrible it is to pay for fun you had five days ago. It's like eating a doughnut while you shop at a grocery store and then having to pay for the bag when you get to check out. Only roughly 75 times more expensive.

And now, here's what I imagine a PSA against drinking would be like:

MUSIC PLAYING -- "E'erbody in da club gettin' tips..."

BILLY: (clearly drunk) Wooo! Da club! Yeah!
ROBBIE: Billy are you drunk?
BILLY: You know it, WOOO!
KAREN: Billy, you don't have to drink to have fun.
BILLY: Huh? What are you talking about. We're in da club...
BILLY: So..."e'erbody in da club is getting tips..."
ROBBIE: I'm not.
BILLY: You're not?
ROBBIE: Nope. This is water.
BILLY: It is? What about you, Karen?
KAREN: 7-Up.
BILLY: 7-up and whiskey?
KAREN: Nope. Just 7-Up.
BILLY: Wait a minute-- wait a minute. Hey-- You-- are you getting tips?
STRANGER 1: No way, man, getting tips is for losers with no future.
BILLY: What about you?
STRANGER 2: Pff-- nah-- I'm hydrating.
BILLY: So NOBODY in da club is getting tips?
MC HAMMER CAMEO: Hi Billy. I'm former MC, current religious leader MC Hammer. It's just a song, Billy, you don't have to drink in the club. It's actually cheaper, more healthy, and more memorable if you don't.
BILLY: But I'm white and Jewish-- I need some social lubrication!
MC HAMMER: Do you? Maybe it's not your dancing or your heritage that's the problem. Maybe you need to take a look in the mirror and find out what's really the problem.
BILLY: You mean my nose, don't you?
MC HAMMER: No, Billy. I mean your confidence. Dancing comes from the heart-- not from alcohol. And THAT'S how you can become 2 Legit 2 Quit. (smiles at camera and gives the 2 sign).
BILLY: I was wondering how you'd work a 2 Legit 2 Quit reference in there.
MC HAMMER: Me too, Billy, me too....
(everyone starts dancing)

New Motto: E'erbody In Da Club Takin' very-tiny Sips,

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