Witz Pickz: Other People!

So as it turns out, other people are funny too! ("Oh my god, he thinks he's funny, that's so pretentious!") So, for today's post, I've got a few clips and anecdotes from people I know.

My New Hand-Me-Down Twin Bed:

HELLO LESLIE: That bed's spider infested. Did I forget to tell you that? Oh-- and I killed a carny on that bed! A toothless carny. Maybe you saw the stain?
ME: Well, I guess that eases my concerns about urine...

Appearances...:

DELIA: Due to an unfortunate convergence of an overly-dark haircoloring incident and no time to get to the stylist, I resemble Snape. And since we decided today that Brian and I could easily pull off a passable Hall and Oats...I may need a makeover.

"You Got A Beautiful Face:"

Heff and I, after listening to a Mac Lethal song that begins, "You got a beautiful face..." began improvising the line to each other as much as possible. Here's what we came up with:

ME: When I think about your apartment I'm like, "You got a beautiful space."
ME: If you were a knight and we were getting ready for battle I'd be like "You got a beautiful mace."
HEFF: If testicles werent so inherently ugly I could say "You got some beautiful grapes"
ME: If I were an alien, and I met you as the sole human ambassador to my species, I'd say, "You got a beautiful race."
HEFF: If we ran a marathon togetherI'd say, "You got a beautiful pace."
ME: If you had a back patio with a lounge chair I'd say, "You got a beautiful chaisse"
HEFF: If you put coke in all your weed I would say, "You got a beautiful lace"
ME: If we ended up eating dinner at a catholic family's house and you were put on the spot, I'd back you up by saying, "You got a beautiful grace."
HEFF: if i were a cannibal I'd say, "You got a beautiful taste."
ME: if we lived in 14th century england and you took in an attractive vagabond, I'd say, "You've got a beautiful waif"
ME: If you fell down and slid on concrete, I'd say, "You got a beautiful scrape."
HEFF: If a foreign dignatary thought Bush would have any idea what he was talking about he could say, "You've got some beautiful states..." only he would mean like Colorado and California...not Kansas...definitely not Kansas...
ME: if you were a private investigator with an attractive client, I'd say, "You've got a beautiful case"
HEFF: if josh beckett were better looking I could say you have a beautiful ace
ME: If I enjoyed your window dressing home decor I'd say, "You got some beautiful drapes"
HEFF: i have one that you cant put online. If you were a prison inmate i could tell you "You got some beautiful rapes..." Repeat - do NOT put online.

DELTA:

When I heard that Titan AE was flying Delta over the weekend, I was shocked. First, I was under the impression that Delta stopped being an airline YEARS ago, and second, as an airline, Delta is ghetto as heeeeeeeeellll. If Virgin America is the Santa Monica of the flying world, Delta is the Compton. She wasn't convinced. Upon her return, she told me her story-- here are the highlights:

She was supposed to meet her sister and dad in Florida. On the way, it was her family that had all the Delta fun. Their 6am flight was straight up cancelled, and I'm thinking it's because the pilot forgot where he parked the jet the night before when he had a few too many drinks. Why else do EARLY MORNING FLIGHTS get cancelled? That's called an "alarm clock cancel" because the whole crew said "Fuck it" and hit snooze.

Once they got on the plane, they ended up having to wait to actually take off-- but you'll never guess why. Go ahead, guess a few times in your head. I bet you said, "Medical emergency?" Maybe even, "Freak Zooquarium mishap?" NOPE. It's because THEY FORGOT TO FUEL THE PLANE. Yup! The plane-- forgot to fuel it. Totally spaced out.

"Yo, man, you got a few bucks for gas? We gotta fill up the plane and I'm broke as hell."
"Man, this entire airline is broke as hell!"
"Well what are we gonna do?"
"I'll tell ya what, here's a few bucks-- but don't go to Shell or Exxon-- take it to Arco, make sure you pay cash so you save some cents.
"Ok cool--"
"--and then cut it with water...like 50%."
"That works?"
"I guess we'll find out!"

Eventually, they got some fuel in there and made it to Florida. But the fun wasn't over. On the way BACK, it was Titan AE who learned why Delta was the cheapest flight she could get.

After boarding her plane and awaiting takeoff, the pilot came on to announce that there was an engine light on. Aside from that being the last thing you ever want to hear when sitting on a plane, what the pilot said next couldn't have been much of a comfort. He told them that, "The plane will fly with the light on, but for legal reasons," they couldn't take off until it went away. By "legal reasons," he of course meant, "So we aren't sued for gross negligence and borderline genocide when all of our passengers plunge to their firey dooms aboard our vessel of unsuitable standards." They waited for 45 minutes before the pilot told them that, "the light is still on, and a mechanic is coming to check it out." What they had been doing to solve the problem previously is a mystery. Were they just tapping on the light hopefully every few seconds? Was somebody kicking the side of the plane? Had somebody RESEMBLING a mechanic been working on the plane up until then? I bet at least one person on the crew said, "This is why we can't put so much water in our fuel!"

After some more wait time, the pilot came on to announce that, "We're going to turn the plane off and turn it back on again-- like your computers at home." AWESOME. Did they take out the engine and blow on it, too?? Maybe it's just me, but I don't EVER want my aircraft of mass transport to be compared to my home computer. My home computer can't run iTunes and Photoshop simultaneously, the "w" key is hit or miss (which is like, the worst expression to use when talking about keys on a keyboard it turns out), and when placed on my lap, it feels like I just stuck my crotch in a waffle maker. I don't like the idea that halfway across the country, a plane might just crash because they tried to open Limewire while watching Weeds on Hulu.com. Also, condescending to your passengers is probably not the best thing to do when there's a chance (remote as it may be) that they will survive the trip and can report you to the FAA (to which the FAA would casually reply, "Oh, yeah, Delta's ghetto as heeeeeeeellllll."). Anyway, just to show how absurd all technology is, the reboot worked, and they finally got on their way.

When the plane landed, they were 30 minutes early, which led to this gem, that I've heard far too many times, "Alright there, looks like since we got here 30 minutes earlier than expected, we're gonna have to wait on the tarmac for our gate." You know how long they waited? THIRTY MINUTES. You know why? BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO GET THERE. I don't understand why planes are constantly arriving early or ending up late or making up time in the air. And I'm more confused by how this shocks and surprises them every time. If you get there 30 minutes early, leave 30 minutes later. If you know you're gonna be 30 minutes early, get on the horn and let the tower know, so there's a gate open SOMEWHERE. After a 9 hour flight and a longer day of travelling, nothing is worse than sitting in a plane when you finally land at your destination (except when you have a connection to catch, but you miss it while sitting in the plane).

But I think something else is up. I think Delta's running a kind of "coyote" program-- you know, the guys who run illegal immigrants across the border? Delta will fly you to your destination, but then they're gonna hold you on board until you shell out a few hundred more dollars. Cuz what are you gonna do about it? You don't even have letter openers or 3.1 oz of lip gloss.

It was during this time when she received the cherry on top. A baby (probably drunk off malt liquor that Delta serves) vomited on the wall in front of her, and she had to just watch as it made its way down to her bag. "You probably want to move your bag," the lady told her, in the cramped confines of the plane-tomb that had been sitting on the ground for 30 minutes. "They're called condoms," she probably wanted to reply. No quip would stop the inevitable.

And yet despite all this, when I asked if she finally believed me that Delta is ghetto she told me simply, "I will say, though, that Delta has the tv monitor thing like Virgin in the seat-- AND they have good snack options-- cheese crackers, biscotti cookies, and peanuts. I had cheese crackers." This is why we can't have nice things.

Ding,
Witz