Witz Pickz: Political Dream Encounters and Olympic Update

The other night, I had a dream where I was walking through my kitchen on the way to the television, and got stopped by Barack Obama, who may or may not have been fixing himself a snack. It was obvious from the way that he was looking at me that he had a misperception of what I'm like, and started talking to me as if I was a super conservative troubled teen. He introduced himself and started outlining his policies, and I kept nodding my head without paying much attention, trying to act interested, but really wanting to say, "Dude-- it's cool. I'm on board." For some reason, in the dream that felt rude, so I just let him talk, and eventually said thanks and went to watch TV. The thing that interests me most, however, is the fact that Obama was outlining his policies IN EXTREME DETAIL. Now, while I know what Obama is about, I can't claim to be an expert on his stance on all of the issues-- especially not to the degree that he was talking which was essentially delivering well thought out stump speeches. WHICH MEANS that he must have just been saying things that I know that I would want. It probably went something like:


OBAMA: Now, as you might know, I'm a huge proponent of Grilled Cheese and Tater Tots on Fridays. I think we need to take this out of the academic cafeteria world and bring it to everyone, everywhere. You know how Bush talks about Freedom? That's gonna be me with Grilled Cheese and Tater Tots.
ME: I am very pleased with this.
OBAMA: As far as where I stand on gas, well, I want to give that to you for free.
ME: This is a very good policy.
OBAMA: People ask me, "Barack, how do you feel about speeding tickets?" And I tell them-- I say, "Who cares if you're speeding as long as you're driving safely? I believe that it's the unsafe drivers, NOT the speeders, who should be pulled over. Sometimes driving faster is safer.
ME: I have very similar beliefs.
OBAMA: On the count of three, I'd like us both to say how we feel about making monkeys legal, affordable pets. 1...2...3...
ME: FOR IT!
OBAMA: FOR IT! Ha ha ha. Awesome.
ME: Hey, Obama?
OBAMA: Yes, Witz?
ME: Are you the same person as The Rock?
OBAMA: Maybe, Witz...maybe...

The same night, I had a dream where I met John McCain, shook his hand, and thought, "John McCain has very soft palms." In my dream, I then wondered how that would go over for the country. Would McCain shake some other leader's hand with his soft palms and make the United States look weak? It certainly seemed possible. Then I woke up and realized that some people ACTUALLY vote based on things like that. Yikes.

Regardless, the fact that I had these political dreams is unusual given that not only hadn't I been watching or thinking about polical anything, but I HAD been watching ANACONDA beforehand. Which means that my brain actively decided not to dream about snakes despite watching a movie entirely about snakes. Big win.

OLYMPIC UPDATE:

Sychronized Diving: Do you think someone saw two people plunge identically side by side to their death and thought, "That. I want THAT to be a sport." How else could something so ridiculous have been conceived?

"Diving is tough, but it'd be tougher if two people had to do the same thing at the same time." "Should we blindfold them, too?"
"No-- that'd be a bit much."
"Good point."

Or maybe someone was diving and someone else was like, "That's easy," and they were like, "I'd like to see you get up here and do it," and then they did...AT THE SAME TIME...and someone else saw it and made it a sport, leaving the door open to judges to say years later things like, "They weren't THAT together." If you said something like that under any other circumstances, you would get your ass beat by anyone that heard you. "See how that one's foot was slightly more pointed than the other one? They weren't THAT sychronized." And inevitably, people at home start to say the same thing. We could never in a million years do what they're doing, but all of a sudden, "They didn't make a similar enough splash," and, "He closed his fist slightly more than the other one."

And yet despite their athletic feats of tandem descent, all I could think the whole time I watched was, "Couldn't they do this while showing me less of what their penis looks like?" I mean, they weren't even regular sized speedos, it's like they shopped for them Baby Gap. I wonder if at some point the two synchronized divers went up to their coach with one regular sized speedo and one tiny speedo and while they stood near naked together asked him, "Which looks less gay?" and received a long blank stare in response.

One NBC Announcer: Why do they get in the showers right after they get out of the pool?"
Other NBC Announcer: Well, they do it because the water in the pool is kind of cold, and they want to keep their muscles loose and also just have some fun!"

Michael Phelps: If you ever wanna feel good about your lack of achievement, learn a little about Michael Phelps. The guy gets Olympic Medals like he finds them in the bottom of cereal boxes, but last night they had a little special where they informed us that all he does is swim, eat, and sleep. And repeat. That's all he's done for at least the last four years. What kind of life is that? It made me feel a little sad and almost pity him a little, knowing that someday that would end and the first 30 years of his life would be gone. No more medals. Hopefully, someone will track him down after the Olympics, slip a beer in his hand, change the background Wayne's World style from a pool to a beach, and he can enjoy a more normal "swim, eat, sleep" experience.

"Witz, what do you do on a daily basis?"
"Me? Work, gym, eat, sleep. Why?"

Men's Gymnastics:
Is it weird that while I saw the Chinese Men's Gymnastics team do their floor routines (I know that part's weird, but lemme keep going), and I thought they were unfathomably strong, I STILL think that I could probably beat them up? I mean, not if they started doing the twirly whirly shit, but if I got a punch or two in, I think I'd be ok. What I'm trying to say is that if I was able to run up behind a Chinese Men's Gymnast and punch him in the back of the head before he turned around and hurricane kicked my face, I think I could do some real damage...

If John McCain's Dream Handshake Was More Like Sychronized Divers (Young and Strong),
I Might Dream Vote For Him,
Witz