Sometimes Witz Pickz provides it's own content. After posting my last column, I went to re-read it and look for typos-- because that's the type of classy operation I'm running here; the kind where I first publish AND THEN edit. Low and behold, the advertisement at the top of the page provided all the fodder I needed for a quick post today. It read:
"Trojan Condoms: New Ecstasy Condoms Have a Revolutionary New Design. Get Info!"
If you're anything like me, you saw the word "Revolutionary" and immediately thought, "BAYONETS!" but fortunately for everyone involved, that's not what they mean by a "Revolutionary New Design." What they do mean is even more baffling. Check it out:
Apparently, "Revolutionary New Design," roughly translates to, "Shaped like a billy club." Their tagline is, "TROJAN® Ultra Ribbed ECSTASY™ condoms feature a revolutionary new design that let’s you feel the pleasure, not the condom!" To be perfectly honest, I have no idea how making a condom look like a wiffleball bat changes anything beyond increasing the general rapey-ness of the encounter. One of two things is going to happen: either it's going to end up all wrinkled like you bought a condom way too big for you, OR it's going to be filled with air and make your penis feel like it's in a Bounce House. Neither one of those options has the guy "feeling the pleasure, not the condom." It just makes your dick look like it's living in Bio-Dome.
The good people at Trojan then list a bunch of bullet points they think it's important we know about their product. Two caught my eye:
"*Made from Premium Quality Latex – to help reduce the risk" -- WHAT THE HELL HAVE THE REST OF YOUR CONDOMS BEEN MADE OF?? "Made from sketchy reject latex: because if you have a kid, maybe he'll stay!"
"*Tapered at the base for a secure fit." Tapered? Really? I don't need my condoms and jeans to use the same terminology. "Trojan Boot Cut Condoms! They're completely ineffective!" OF COURSE they're tapered at the base. Otherwise, you just made a super girthy condom that only Grimace would wear:
Now, obviously this ad got me looking at their site. Interestingly, there is ALSO a "TROJAN® Her Pleasure™ ECSTASY™ condom," which looks like this:
I read the little description and the bullet point verbage, and if you look at the picture, you'll note that the ONLY difference is that the HER PLEASURE condoms DON'T HAVE the sporadic ribs at the Space Helmet End!....which HAS to mean...BY DEFINITION...that the regular Ecstasy Condoms include extraneous ribbing that makes sex LESS ENJOYABLE for the girl. That's like putting a rear spoiler on a Honda Civic-- some douchebag probably thinks it looks cool, but it's only making things worse.
The most amusing part of the whole Trojan Ecstasy Condoms line of products is their slogan: "Feels like nothing's there." Trojan. Listen to me. You have. To be. More specific. This is not the time or the place to get lazy with your pronouns. WHAT feels like nothing's WHERE? Otherwise, you're slogan might as well be, "Trojan Ecstasy Condoms: Just Because He Doesn't Have A Tiny Penis, Doesn't Mean It Can't Feel Like It." or on the flip-side, "Trojan Ecstasy Condoms: Like Banging the Vast Abyss."
I think it's fairly clear that Trojan's "Revolutionary Design" is far from revolutionary. Sure, they'll probably be more useful to drug mules, but for the rest of us, it's just going to look like our penises are wearing chef hats*. Having said that, I think it's fairly obvious I'm going to have to buy a pack of these....and watch them slowly expire....
You'd Be Surprised How Ineffective "Did You Read About These Condoms On My BLOG" Is As a Pick-Up Line,
*Picture of a dick wearing a chef hat:
P.S. For those of you playing Witz Pickz Bingo at home, you can now mark off "girthy," "rapey-ness," and "Bio-Dome." "Awkwardness" is the center square, and, as always, it's a freebie.