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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Witz Pickz: Jews Kicking Ass

If you ever saw Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and thought, "Yeah, this movie is alright, but you know what would make it better? WAY MORE JEWS!" then you need to go watch Defiance. I watched it last night and despite my vague and sporadic Jewish identity, I got all pumped up from watching Daniel Craig and Liev Shrieber take on the nazis. And guess what? Daniel Craig isn't even Jewish-- he's just become an honorary Jew after being in Defiance, Munich and Fateless. Which does seem a little awkward:

Director: Alright, we're making a movie where some badass Jews kill the nazis.
Producer: Yeah, right now we're looking for someone who can play Jewish.
Director: Play Jewish?
Producer: Yeah, we need someone who looks like they could actually take on the nazis, but still be believable as a Jew.
Director: But...it's a true story-- this actually happened.
Producer: So?
Director: So, real badass Jews DID take on the nazis.
Producer: But that's not believable.
Director: Why can't we just get a real badass Jewish actor to play the role?
Producer: (sighs) Because Vin Diesel can barely speak English, nevermind speak with a Russian accent. Plus, he made The Pacifier.
Director: Fine, but there have to be more...
Producer: ...
Director: I see your point.
Producer: We can get Daniel Craig.
Director: Oh! Isn't he Jewish?
Producer: Exactly.


(Daniel Craig would be equally believable as a Jew or a Nazi)

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "No, but seriously, isn't Daniel Craig Jewish?" I wasn't sure until I searched online and came across the site "Jew or Not.com"* which appears to rate people's Jewishness on a scale of 1 to Steven Spielberg (and investigates whether or not fictional characters such as Gargamel were Jewish. They determined he's probably not, but somebody involved is probaby anti-semitic). Daniel Craig scored a 6 because he's become typecast as Jewish, but is not remotely Jewish. But that doesn't matter to me, because he kicked ass.

I determined that the "Jews kicking ass" film market is just waiting to explode. In fact, the entire "Oppressed peoples kicking ass" genre would be huge, and I don't understand why it doesn't exist. They use "based on a true story" to describe HORROR films (which is like a great big "FUCK YOU" to our intelligence-- "No,I mean The Mist didn't TECHNICALLY try to kill us, but it WAS difficult to drive in..."), so why not keep it going for more of these movies?

I'm not talking about the "oppressed overcoming adversity" movies either. Sure, black students being good at debate is great and all, and I'm super psyched Cuba Gooding, Jr. got to go scuba diving, but wouldn't it be way more exciting to see a successful slave uprising; killing the horribly racist plantation owners and creating a safe community in the backwoods of Georgia? Something like that PROBABLY happened. Shit, gimme ONE badass Harriet Tubman flick. JUST ONE. What about "Fully Cocked: The Prop 8 Rebellion -- This time equal rights brought rocket launchers." I'd even be fine if Pixar made "Cows" with the tagline, "They've got a beef with us," where a group of cows slaughter their cruel human overlords and escape to the wilderness of Canada where they learn that they're actually very very dull creatures and were better off on my plate with BBQ sauce, an onion ring, and a bun (Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburger whaaaaaaaat!).

I mean, they made Valkyrie and that's a movie about a FAILED ATTEMPT to kill Hitler-- but it was cool. I'm even pumped up for Dead Snow, the Norwegian movie where a bunch of skiiers have to battle Nazi Zombies. Basically, pick a group of bigotted assholes and show them getting their asses kicked. No, it won't reflect the difficulties and the tragedies, and the futility of the times necessarily, but most people ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THAT, and occasionally just want to see bad people get what's coming to them.

Anecdotal proof: In college, the nazis came to town. We all wanted to go see them because, "When else in our lives will we have a chance to kick a nazi in the nuts?" but both the news and our college proclaimed, "Don't go down to the protest and hit them. That's JUST what they want you to do!" EXACTLY! EVERYBODY loves seeing the nazis getting their asses kicked-- even the nazis. Go see Defiance**.

,
Witz

*Somehow I feel "black or not dot com" wouldn't go over as well.

**Remember when I used to actually provide opinions on things you should or shouldn't have in your life? Defiance was actually a very good movie and they did a great job of riding the line between action and um, THE HOLOCAUST. Daniel Craig, Liev Schrieber and the rest of the cast are great and the 2 hours 15 minutes doesn't drag at all. Plus, they're totally and completely badass. Definitely worth seeing.

This was me, fully engrossed in the film as the camp of Jewish refugees were fleeing the nazis in the forest and suddenly came upon a huge swamp and try and decide what to do:

They're like "Cross it!"
and I'm like, "Cross it!"
and they're like, "It's too far!"
and I'm like, "It's not!"
and they're like, "It's too deep!"
and I'm like, "It's not!"
and they're like, "The nazis are right behind us!"
and I'm like, "GET IN THE GODDAMN SWAMP!"
and they're like, "There might be snakes!"
and I'm like, "SURRENDER TO THE NAZIS!"

This is why I wouldn't have made it.

4 comments:

Matt said...

Vin Diesel is Jewish?

Matt said...

Next you will try and tell me Youk is Jewish

Anonymous said...

Vin Diesel isn't Jewish, but there are some tough Jewish actors out there right now, like James Franco, Cole Hauser, Ben Foster and Gabriel Macht (the guy who played "The Spirit" in... "The Spirit").

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