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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Witz Pickz: A Day of Errands and Awkwardness (or as I call it...Tuesday)

Well, my brain's getting dumber. I was checking out at Trader Joe's, and had "How's it going?" all queued up and ready to go when the guy at the register beats me to the punch with a, "How's it going?" of his own. So that of course set my brain on this joyous little mobius loop:

"How's it-- good-- How are going-- good it's-- how's are-- it's you-- going how-- how's it good-- how are going--...HOW ARE GOING? HOW ARE GOING??"

You know when you and someone else step in the same direction and then both correct and go the other way and then both correct and go the other way, etc, etc, until you both laugh awkwardly and admit that God hates people?* Well, it was like that, but my brain was playing both roles.

After babbling and then mumbling for more seconds than people find comfortable, I smiled and swiped my credit card. I knew that before the transaction was complete, I needed to prove I'm not a complete insane person, so I struck up conversation by inquiring,

"So is the Nutty American Trek Mix gone forever?"
"The American Trek Mix?"
"Nutty American...it's the best trek mix." There. Now I'm just a person who's way into trek mixes.
"Uhh, I dunno. Cathy, Nutty American Trek Mix?" Cathy worked her magic on the computer and then reported,
"Discontinued."

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, I repeated to myself. "Ah, that sucks man," but what I wanted to say was, "THAT IS FUCKED! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? THE NUTTY AMERICAN TREK MIX IS THE SAME AS THE "Just Almonds, Cashews, and Cranberries" MIX ONLY THEY HAVE RAISINS INSTEAD OF CRANBERRIES AND DELICIOUS DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CHUNKS!" I didn't see Cathy or My Register Guy making those kind of executive decisions, however, so I walked away.

Don't worry though, this wasn't the most awkward exchange of the day for me. Earlier, I was in Safeway, next in line at checkout, when I looked out into the indoor plaza and saw a guy with binoculars just staring into the store. I looked at him with a baffled expression on my face for a prolonged period of time, wondering what the hell was going on. The guy in front of me caught my expression and gave me a somewhat annoyed look back. "Oh sorry," I said, "That look wasn't for you-- there's a guy over there staring into the store with a pair of binoculars. Easily the creepiest thing I've seen all day," I informed him, but accidentally in such a way that implied I saw plenty of creepy things in my day. The man then turned to where I was looking, by which point (OF COURSE) the guy had put down the binoculars. The guy in front of me in line then looked back at me with a doubtful expression AND something else on his face. It was at this point that I realized this man had a huge awkward birthmark on the right side of his face (the side that had been facing away from me)**. I'm sure Birthmark Guy has dealt with this a lot in his life and I bet my "Creepy Binoculars Guy" expression looked a lot like a "What the Fuck Do You Have On Your Face" expression. Sometimes words only make things worse, and for one of the few times in my life, I made the decision simply not to say anything.

Here's the kicker. After I checked out and long after the guy in front of me had left, I wandered over to where I had seen the guy with the binoculars-- and do you know what I saw? A store named, "Scope City" with a large sign stating, "Telescopes, Microscopes, Binoculars!" WHAT??? HOW...IN THE HELLLLL...does a store selling telescopes, microscopes, and binoculars stay open with this economy?? Circuit City went under. Borders is shutting down. But somehow, Scope City is riding this one out? I don't care if they don't have major competitors-- who are the people spending money on making small things look bigger right now?? "Let's see, mortgage? Nah. Car payments? Nope. I want that far away star to look less far away!" or is it more like, "I can't afford to travel anymore, so I'll make things look closer!" or is everybody just opening up private investigator firms? I hope it's that last one. If movies and tv are any indication, everybody will start conversing with a whole lot more quips and snappy dialogue.

Is That An Absurdly Unfortunate Birthmark On Your Face or Are You Just Happy to See Me?,
Witz


*I actually had a fun one of these dances down in LA where I turned around and found a tall guy in a nice suit right behind me. We did the back and forth dance precariously off balance until I solved the situation by falling right at him and giving the man a BEAR HUG. It was so awkward afterward that I felt like I should have picked his pockets during the exchange just so we both felt a little more comfortable with what had transpired.

**Vaguely related, E-Funk All-Star and I were discussing face tattoos last night and the idea of getting a life sized face tattoo of SOMEONE ELSE'S FACE. After thinking about it, neither one of us were able to conceive what it would look like, and we realized the idea is actually very zen. I also like the conversation I assume would have to take place between myself and the tattoo artist: "What aren't you understanding here? You see her face? I want a tattoo of that. On my face. Life-sized."

1 comment:

Mark said...

Very funny Witz. Good post because I too have errand issues. When are you going to embrace you 9am Monday yoga guy or get a job?