Now that we're covered on avoiding reality and diving deep into a fantasy world where you can hide comfortably while playing Madden '08 or Ratchet & Clank, here's a way to get back out into the world. Give someone a trip.
Trips can be very tricky, but when pulled off, people usually are extremely happy and can't believe you went to all the trouble to plan it for them. Plus, it's kind of like you're dictating their life and if you weren't able to buy to latest expansion pack for The Sims, this is the next best thing. The obvious problems are timing and interest. So first, get interest. Most of the time, trips involve doing things, like going to a sports game or a concert or a wine tasting retreat. So instead of deciding that everybody clearly wants to go somewhere with beautiful beaches (incidentally, I DO want to go somewhere with beautiful beaches AND warm water-- I have never been in naturally warm ocean water before and I'm told I'm missing out. And seriously, when Maine and CT were you two prime swimming places, with Myrtle Beach and Cocoa Beach being the only other two, we're not talking 90 degrees here, we're talking like...60....) pick something you know they like, buy them tickets to a relevant event, and build the trip around that. A lot of the time that will decide the timing as well, which is always helpful and usually can revolve around a weekend as opposed to a weeklong excursion with plane flights and missed work ("I wouldn't say I'm MISSING it, Bob").
Checkout what's playing in theaters, any big concerts in big cities or intimate concerts in smaller towns. Is there a comedian showing somewhere or might the person just like to go see some comedy? How do they feel about professional wrestling? UFC? Pride Fighting? Maybe you can score some tickets to their favorite tv show-- not that those are being filmed right now, but maybe you can get Deal or No Deal tickets or The Daily Show tickets once they cross the picket line, and I guarentee you can get tickets for Late Late Show With Carson Daly, which is still on the air and which there can't be a very long line for. Avoid Vegas-- forcing someone to go on a trip to Vegas is a recipe for disaster. Vegas needs to be done on their terms, when they are ready to lose a lot of money. And don't invite yourself along. Regardless of what you choose, tickets always make the trip make more sense.
Now for timing. As I said, weekends are perfect and baseball games, concerts, etc. all make sense in that respect. A lot of the time, buying tickets and a hotel room constitutes a trip, and you don't need to pay for airfare or gas. It's good to get an idea though as to when might work or not work for the giftee. Here are some questions I like to ask:
Question: "If I were to have a party in four months, would you be free?"
Answer: Generally, people will say you're crazy and they have no idea-- that means you're in the clear. Nobody will think something's up.
Question: "I heard (name of band) is touring-- we should see if they're coming to town and how much tickets are..."
Answer: You have to say this VERY lackadaisically so that there is no chance they actually will make a move to check and see. Maybe after or during watching a long movie-- Pirates of the Carribean 3 comes to mind for new releases. Hopefully, they are not coming to your town, but NEARBY so that you can send them TO the show, and with better seats than they would have expected.
Question: (while drunk) "Let's fucking go to Australia! (gage reaction) I mean London! (gage reaction) I mean Paris! (gage reaction-- this next one is key) I mean (name of city kind of close to where you live or where southwest has good deals)! (gage reaction) Whattya think?
Answer: (Regardless of their current state of being) "You're just drunk, man!" Jackpot.
Easy, right? Here are some final tips and your whole trip package gift will be a breeze. If you are indigent or if the people have a nicer apartment/house, don't ask to house-sit for the person/people leaving until a week later OR phrase it as (and as part of the gift, my girlfriend and I will housesit for you). Don't buy plane tickets going anywhere near or involving Chicago. Nothing ruins trips more than horrible flight delays. A "Night Out" works almost as well as a trip. Just buy tickets to something and a bottle of wine and that's that.
So there ya go, that was easily the most informative "how to" bullshitting I've done on the site, and I hope you all prosper from it. I'll conclude with a list of my interests and locales I'd enjoy:
Boston Red Sox
Wine Vineyards
Sleeping
Warm Water
Paris
London
Ireland
Australia
Seattle
Chicago
Warm Music in Intimate Spaces
Good Food (but not weird food)
Soccer
Hockey
Patriots/Giants/Seahawks
Snowboarding
Gambling
Cats
Just Click On My Ads A Little, K?,
Witz
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Witz Pickz: Holiday Gifts (Part 1 in the Series)
Let me say, right now, on the....seventh day of Chanukkah, that I do not want to receive a star registered in my name.
I heard the commercials on the radio for International Star Registry (I'm not sure how that differs from National Star Registry-- I mean, they're stars right? So, if I register it nationally, does that mean that some dude in Russia might have his national rights to that star as well? Does International registry trump all previous national registries or do they break down like those little bits of shares of stocks that somebody confused me with years ago? And more so, what's the problem here? I mean, other than the fact that my star might actually be named Witz-Yeltsin-Schmitt-VonDerling-Osaki who's ever gonna know? Might I be travelling the world some time, drinking at a bar and hear some drunken broken English coming from a corner saying, "Star coordinate 56 87 43 93 51 a/z...zat's my star..." and then I have to call him out and go, "No! That's MY star!" Clearly I don't think that would happen and clearly I have no idea how star coordinates work.) and immediately thought, "Now there's something I don't ever want. Ever." Other than the fact that it's completely useless and self-absorbed, the odds of ever knowing or seeing your star are literally a million to one or more. Then, assuming you somehow find your star, when you point and say to someone, "See that star, it's named after me," they will have no actual way to react to that besides, "Really? Where? Oh, cool..." and that's it. There's no more conversation there. The next part is, "how'd that happen" and then, "International star registry" and then, "I don't ever want to receive a star registered in my name." End of conversational topic.
So logically, I looked at the website to see how their service works. First of all so I could talk more informed about it, but also because I wanted to know how much these things cost. And the reason for that is because it occurs to me that this could make a great prank. The idea that you could spend some money and have an entire packet with information and star coordinates sent to someone saying, "The star 'Matt Hates Black People' resides at coordinates...." makes me warm inside. At starregistry.com you'll find all sorts of information, but we want the packages. You can choose from the "custom" which is star talk for "cheap" package, or the "deluxe" which in my experience comes with bacon on it, or you can get the "ultimate" package which runs a stout $139 + shipping and handling, so you're better off leaving the star at will call or the bill might add up. All packages come with a certificate (sweeeet), and get this, "a booklet on astronomy written by a professional astronomer with additional sky charts." Now, to me, that means that the book was not written by a professional astronomer. Anytime somebody is giving me a book or booklet about astronomy...my assumption is that it is by a professional astronomer and nto just some guy dabbling on his roof with a laptop. Apparently, as star registry blatantly hints, I should be more careful. This means I can finally start my jewelry company I've always wanted called "Diamonds by Witz." Then I can sell whatever I feel like until the courts force me to change the name to "Fake Diamonds by Witz."
Anyway, the cheapest package is only $54 which is actually pretty fair since you will be attaching a name to a star internationally, "forever," but I have a problem with the claim of "...a gift that will last a lifetime." I'm not saying I'm going to live a really long time, but if I bought a star registry for a newborn baby (i.e. "Tova Hates Black People") who knows which will be around longer? If the baby lives to be 100, that star could be long gone. This is the problem with stars-- those effers pop off all the time. They blow up and disappear and we don't know about it for a while. So who's to say that my star isn't already gone and the light's gonna wink out at a moment's notice? They assume I will either lose interest, assume it's cloudy, or not know which star is mine, but if I am diligent and attentive, my star just might not exist anymore. I bet this is a huuuge issue in the star registry world. I bet people get hired and fired over shit like that.
As far as I can see, the only difference between packages is the quality of the certificate you receive, and that on the higher end packages you get little wallet cards with the star name and coordinates on it-- which is kind of a must. I mean, the opportunity that affords you at bars, parties, weddings, funerals, Safeway, Bob's Stores, Borders, concerts, hiking trips, whale watches, etc. is too much to pass up. Imagine the pickup lines you could create with that sucker. I'm not gonna list any, but you can bet at least one was a killer penis size joke.
So please, no star registry for me-- although stars might be the last frontier for us to claim and name, they are also the least interesting, most forgettable, most indistinguishable in all the deepest meanings of the word, gifts. Save them for pranks, and shutting your kids up and giving them false hope by wishing upon. After all, you can always just SAY that a star is named after you, and nobody will really know the difference.
Now that you know what I don't want, I'll be posting a series of cool and interesting gifts for this holiday season all week long, so keep checking back.
"Gimme All Your Supermarios,"
Witz
I heard the commercials on the radio for International Star Registry (I'm not sure how that differs from National Star Registry-- I mean, they're stars right? So, if I register it nationally, does that mean that some dude in Russia might have his national rights to that star as well? Does International registry trump all previous national registries or do they break down like those little bits of shares of stocks that somebody confused me with years ago? And more so, what's the problem here? I mean, other than the fact that my star might actually be named Witz-Yeltsin-Schmitt-VonDerling-Osaki who's ever gonna know? Might I be travelling the world some time, drinking at a bar and hear some drunken broken English coming from a corner saying, "Star coordinate 56 87 43 93 51 a/z...zat's my star..." and then I have to call him out and go, "No! That's MY star!" Clearly I don't think that would happen and clearly I have no idea how star coordinates work.) and immediately thought, "Now there's something I don't ever want. Ever." Other than the fact that it's completely useless and self-absorbed, the odds of ever knowing or seeing your star are literally a million to one or more. Then, assuming you somehow find your star, when you point and say to someone, "See that star, it's named after me," they will have no actual way to react to that besides, "Really? Where? Oh, cool..." and that's it. There's no more conversation there. The next part is, "how'd that happen" and then, "International star registry" and then, "I don't ever want to receive a star registered in my name." End of conversational topic.
So logically, I looked at the website to see how their service works. First of all so I could talk more informed about it, but also because I wanted to know how much these things cost. And the reason for that is because it occurs to me that this could make a great prank. The idea that you could spend some money and have an entire packet with information and star coordinates sent to someone saying, "The star 'Matt Hates Black People' resides at coordinates...." makes me warm inside. At starregistry.com you'll find all sorts of information, but we want the packages. You can choose from the "custom" which is star talk for "cheap" package, or the "deluxe" which in my experience comes with bacon on it, or you can get the "ultimate" package which runs a stout $139 + shipping and handling, so you're better off leaving the star at will call or the bill might add up. All packages come with a certificate (sweeeet), and get this, "a booklet on astronomy written by a professional astronomer with additional sky charts." Now, to me, that means that the book was not written by a professional astronomer. Anytime somebody is giving me a book or booklet about astronomy...my assumption is that it is by a professional astronomer and nto just some guy dabbling on his roof with a laptop. Apparently, as star registry blatantly hints, I should be more careful. This means I can finally start my jewelry company I've always wanted called "Diamonds by Witz." Then I can sell whatever I feel like until the courts force me to change the name to "Fake Diamonds by Witz."
Anyway, the cheapest package is only $54 which is actually pretty fair since you will be attaching a name to a star internationally, "forever," but I have a problem with the claim of "...a gift that will last a lifetime." I'm not saying I'm going to live a really long time, but if I bought a star registry for a newborn baby (i.e. "Tova Hates Black People") who knows which will be around longer? If the baby lives to be 100, that star could be long gone. This is the problem with stars-- those effers pop off all the time. They blow up and disappear and we don't know about it for a while. So who's to say that my star isn't already gone and the light's gonna wink out at a moment's notice? They assume I will either lose interest, assume it's cloudy, or not know which star is mine, but if I am diligent and attentive, my star just might not exist anymore. I bet this is a huuuge issue in the star registry world. I bet people get hired and fired over shit like that.
As far as I can see, the only difference between packages is the quality of the certificate you receive, and that on the higher end packages you get little wallet cards with the star name and coordinates on it-- which is kind of a must. I mean, the opportunity that affords you at bars, parties, weddings, funerals, Safeway, Bob's Stores, Borders, concerts, hiking trips, whale watches, etc. is too much to pass up. Imagine the pickup lines you could create with that sucker. I'm not gonna list any, but you can bet at least one was a killer penis size joke.
So please, no star registry for me-- although stars might be the last frontier for us to claim and name, they are also the least interesting, most forgettable, most indistinguishable in all the deepest meanings of the word, gifts. Save them for pranks, and shutting your kids up and giving them false hope by wishing upon. After all, you can always just SAY that a star is named after you, and nobody will really know the difference.
Now that you know what I don't want, I'll be posting a series of cool and interesting gifts for this holiday season all week long, so keep checking back.
"Gimme All Your Supermarios,"
Witz
Monday, November 12, 2007
Witz Pickz: Veterans's's's Day
I know you're thinking "Witz doesn't post on holidays and he certainly won't post on Veteran's Day" and I want you to know that you're assumption is absolutely correct most of the time. Today, however, I have the time and, apparently, some people DON'T get today off from work (most people? I don't know-- if the Federal Govt Employees get the day off, why shouldn't everyone else?). I think it's totally ridiculous. What if I need to mail something for my job-- that ain't happening. What if I need to have a Congressional Bill debated? Not on THIS DAY. I'm guessing banks are closed, since banks are the veritable kid in the back of the class when it comes to businesses. They have the capacity for brilliance and limitless potential, but are ultimately lazy and no one ever told them they needed to work just as hard as everyone else to get what they want. Maybe they are able to skate by on their natural talent, never truly extending themselves to make better. Fuck it-- I'm not "coming to class" on Sundays. I'm not "Going to class after 3pm on weekdays and noon on saturdays." No two are the same, but they all suffer from the same inability to establish structure that they so desperately need. So what's the point in working on a holiday when you probably can't do most of your work?
Also, FYI, it's Veteran's Day-- meaning what if YOU YOURSELF ARE A VETERAN!? Do you have to work? Is it like if for my birthday someone said, "Happy Birthday, wash my car?" Veteran's shouldn't have to work on their day, even if you do give them cupcakes so they maybe want to be there like how people with summer birthdays got screwed out of celebrating at school. Oh yeah, I'm really pumped about the "Everyone with Summer Birthdays Party." That's a freaking fun-festival for my individuality.
And aren't there parades on Veteran's Day? I remember there being some or at least I remember a lot of parades with old guys in army uniforms walking slowly down a street. Maybe I just lived in a heavily aged military community with a strong sense of healthy exercise and disdain for fossil fuels (which would be ironic). If there ARE parades and people DO have to work on Veteran's Day...does that mean there are loads of veterans walking around proudly with NOBODY watching them? I bet a lot of bugle players shed tears over that. A parade with nobody watching is just a long walk of shame, as if everyone passed out after a night of bad decisions when the wars ended and now they have to walk back home to change. Yeesh.
And what's with Veteran's Day anyway? I mean, I'm 100% behind celebrating our veterans, but how come it's called Veteran's Day and it's only for our armed forces? What about people who have been working ANY job for over like, 30 years? Shit, shouldn't all old people be given a parade for working for so long. I mean, they might not have contributed ANYTHING useful to ANYONE, but I've been out of school for only a few years, and I already can't imagine having to work for the next 30-40 years. AND I'M NOT EVEN WORKING NOW! So hey, let's expand the franchise-- let's have a day where everybody gets the day off and we celebrate old people working for a long time, except the all Federal jobs HAVE to work, banks HAVE to be open for everyone who has the day off to actually cash checks and talk about IRA's and CD's, and Congress is available for me to lobby the hell out of them. I mean, granted, half the old people will have NO IDEA what's happening, and most will probably call all of us younger folks "Lazy" for taking the day off, but hey, that'll be a part of it. Like the Groundhog coming out of his hole or fireworks on the Fourth of July. Old people grumpifying. Way more diverse than fireworks.
Consider Yourself Posted,
Witz
Also, FYI, it's Veteran's Day-- meaning what if YOU YOURSELF ARE A VETERAN!? Do you have to work? Is it like if for my birthday someone said, "Happy Birthday, wash my car?" Veteran's shouldn't have to work on their day, even if you do give them cupcakes so they maybe want to be there like how people with summer birthdays got screwed out of celebrating at school. Oh yeah, I'm really pumped about the "Everyone with Summer Birthdays Party." That's a freaking fun-festival for my individuality.
And aren't there parades on Veteran's Day? I remember there being some or at least I remember a lot of parades with old guys in army uniforms walking slowly down a street. Maybe I just lived in a heavily aged military community with a strong sense of healthy exercise and disdain for fossil fuels (which would be ironic). If there ARE parades and people DO have to work on Veteran's Day...does that mean there are loads of veterans walking around proudly with NOBODY watching them? I bet a lot of bugle players shed tears over that. A parade with nobody watching is just a long walk of shame, as if everyone passed out after a night of bad decisions when the wars ended and now they have to walk back home to change. Yeesh.
And what's with Veteran's Day anyway? I mean, I'm 100% behind celebrating our veterans, but how come it's called Veteran's Day and it's only for our armed forces? What about people who have been working ANY job for over like, 30 years? Shit, shouldn't all old people be given a parade for working for so long. I mean, they might not have contributed ANYTHING useful to ANYONE, but I've been out of school for only a few years, and I already can't imagine having to work for the next 30-40 years. AND I'M NOT EVEN WORKING NOW! So hey, let's expand the franchise-- let's have a day where everybody gets the day off and we celebrate old people working for a long time, except the all Federal jobs HAVE to work, banks HAVE to be open for everyone who has the day off to actually cash checks and talk about IRA's and CD's, and Congress is available for me to lobby the hell out of them. I mean, granted, half the old people will have NO IDEA what's happening, and most will probably call all of us younger folks "Lazy" for taking the day off, but hey, that'll be a part of it. Like the Groundhog coming out of his hole or fireworks on the Fourth of July. Old people grumpifying. Way more diverse than fireworks.
Consider Yourself Posted,
Witz
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