I'm not one of those people that "feels sick" when they eat breakfast. I like my three meals a day and the idea that one of those meals don't appeal to some people physically both baffles me and makes me feel sorry for the fact that God obviously loathes them: "See delicious bacon? YOU'LL HATE IT! See those danishes and omelettes? THEY WILL UPSET YOUR STOMACH! GOD IS BORED! MWUAHAHAHA!" Clearly I have a different view of God than most people.
In recent years I've developed a few creations which have served me extremely well. For your dining pleasure, here are those creations:
Witz's Breakfast Blitz:
As implied by the name, this dish is a complete flurry of activity generally resulting in an assault on your digestive system and heart that could only be achieved through competitive training, a strong mental focus, and human growth hormone-- fortunately, none of those things are necessary to make this dish. Beat some eggs with milk, toss em in the pan. Grate cheddar cheese over the top while eggs cook. Throw in some breakfast sausages, let cook. Add sauteed peppers and onions, ground black pepper, and really anything else you have in your fridge/freezer that needs to be eaten. Release your rage onto the concoction, thereby scrambling the eggs some and mixing up the ingredients. Pour onto plate and serve with juice (read: steroids)!
Witz's Mexican Breakfast Taco:
This one is amazing. Heat some oil in a medium pan. Add one egg (crack and drop, no funny business). Break the yoke with a fork so the yellow oozes out a little. Before it cooks, drop a flour tortilla on top and press down slightly. Now add another egg ON TOP OF the tortilla and break it's yoke so it doesn't slide off. Imagine the egg on the bottom is in jail and the one on top is its spouse. The tortilla acts as the glass between the two. Next, once the egg on the bottom is cooked, flip over the tortilla as best as possible and cook the other egg onto the tortilla. While this is happening, grate cheese on top of the tortilla. The cheese and any other ingredients you wish to add (as if it were an omelette) act as the phone which allows the two eggs to talk to each other despite the incarceration. Once the egg on the bottom is cooked, fold the tortilla in half like a taco and cook for a few more minutes to melt the cheese. Remove and serve. Something about the way the eggs interract with the tortilla creates a delicious delicious breakfast delight. Now that I have that analogy in place, I might have to rename this dish Jailbait or possibly Conjugal Visit....though that brings a lot into question....hmm.
Bacon:
Ok, so this one is just bacon and so obviously it's not my recipe, it's simplyt bacon. BUT WITZ PICKZ IT! And here's why: besides the amazingness of bacon, I realized the other day that bacon is one of, if not THE only food that TASTES the way it SMELLS. EXACTLY. Garlic smells great, but tastes different. The smell of baking bread is far better than the taste of bread (or at least different). Even burgers don't quite taste the way they smell. But bacon tastes exactly the same as it smells. And both are delicious.
Witz Is Probably Going To Get Salmonella,
Witz
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3 comments:
OKay, so you have NO idea who I am. I'm half the brain behind one iota of the idea of Sabattical. That's right, it's me, Sarasaur. Mwahahaha!
I just wanted to tell you that I have a breakfast to BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND! It has caused many an argument between the Boustedts, which we may see in Couple's Therapy.
It involves these things...
Eggs: Made a lot like your eggs, with pretty much anything and everything that didn't get thrown into the Indian Tacos the night before and a lot of cheese and butter. Though, at the end I throw mine under the broiler for a minute to give it that crispety baked numminess.
Meat: You can't choose just one breakfast meat...the others feel left out which leads to high suicide rates...save the sausage, serve it all!!! Sausage, bacon, ham, maybe a little steak if your wallet is feeling generous.
Hashbrowns: But, that's not right, they are actually home style potatoes. Put a little butter (fuck healthy oil) in a pan and fry up some onions and green peppers. Add chopped up baby red potatoes and enough season pepper to put the cinammon to shame. Cook until potatoes are soft and golden brown.
Fry Bread: This is exactly how it sounds. Make bread dough (or cheat and buy the frozen loaves from the store, no one really knows the difference) let it rise, then shape it into plate sized frisbees with a hole in the middle. Drop into a vat of oil and cook evenly on both sides until golden brown and Kris comes into the kitchen begging for the bread. Serve plain, or with butter, or my all time favorite, with butter and jam. Mmmmm...it's like a Native Jelly Donut.
Huckleberry Pancakes: I pick the huckleberries on Quartsite Mountain every year, myself. I do not eat while I pick because I used to get my ass beat for that. These can also be waffles, but NOT french toast (or is it freedom toast now?) and you'll see why in a minute. It's self explanatory, you mix the berries in the batter and you either make a pancake (careful with the flipping) or you pour it into the waffle maker. These are served with more butter and a nice buttery maple syrup.
French (or freedom) Toast: Now, here we throw tradition out the window. Screw the bread, bread is boring. My favorite is a cream cheese filled danish, but any pastry will work, let them sit out over night and get a little stale, soak them in your batter of eggs and cinammon and the like, then fry those suckers! These are also served with more butter and more syrup.
Pile all of these things on dishes and put them on the dining room table. Let your guests dish up as they please and pray to God you stocked your bathroom with enough matches and toilet paper. This is the breakfast of champions, and you musn't take it lightly. Wearing stretchy pants is a good idea. Also, there will be juice, milk, coffee, tea, and of course, Diet Coke to wash it down with.
I grew up eating breakfasts like this every weekend. It's why I'm fat, and it's why I LOVE breakfast. It may also be why I'm diabetic.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW! I think Lindy just died from having ME read that. That sounds absolutely amazing, and you have instilled a joy in me which can only come when one realizes that Christmas (read: Channukah) is not limited to one time a year, but whenever a large plentiful breakfast of genius is presented. While all of this sounds amazing...
...LET'S BACK UP A MINUTE--
"INDIAN TACOS?" -- Oh Hellll yeah. I have no idea what this Indian/Mexican hybrid consists of, but I definitely know that it must be the absolute cheapest/economically failing sounding combination I've ever heard. Please enlighten us on this dish as I have but one life to live and plan on living it deliciously.
You got it. Indian Tacos are pretty damn yummy. Ask Kris. :)
Indian Tacos: You take all the taco fixins. Taco meat (ground beef and taco seasoning), tomatoes, lettuce, onions, black olives, lots o cheese, sour cream and salsa. You pile said fixins on top of a piece of Indian Fried Bread. It requires a knife and fork to eat, but you cannot, I repeat, you cannot just stop at one. You must have at least two tacos, and another piece of fry bread to achieve full euphoria. Follow with banana splits.
It is in fact rather cheap. However it is filling! But for some reason, eating Indian Tacos is like eating a Thanksgiving dinner, you have to feast, you just have to. They are not for the faint of appetite, nor are they for anyone who doesn't like to get a little messy while eating. When I come to visit Lindy and Kris again, I will prepare this dish for you and anyone who has the brass to chow it down. :)
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